Love Lessons

by Heidi Cullinan

  “Walter, are you okay? You’re shaking.”

  Swallowing hard, Walter gave a wooden nod and moved into the exit lane. His head hurt. His hands felt clammy. Jesus fucking Christ, he wanted out of this.

  Except he didn’t. Fuck.

  “Walter?”

  Swearing, still shaking, he pulled off onto the first side street, put the car in park and collapsed forward onto the steering wheel. His initial plan had been to stay curled up until he either died or got over whatever the hell was going on with him, but when Kelly touched his back, he started talking. And talking. And talking.

  “I don’t know what to do.” Walter opened his eyes and stared through the gaps in the steering wheel to the floor of the car. “I don’t know what you want to do. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know how to behave, what to say around you now. I think I thought back at the bar if I just gave in, things would be better, but now every single thing I think of saying or doing seems like it could fuck us up, and I can’t take that. I don’t want that. But I can’t be sure that won’t happen, which makes me crazy, and I’m not making sense and talking too much and this can’t be helping my cause and I can’t stop—”

  Kelly grabbed him, hauled him upright and kissed him hard and fast on the mouth, stopping the rest of the verbal vomit. It wasn’t an artful kiss, or even a particularly passionate one—it was simply Kelly, keeping him from tripping over himself, pulling him back to the ground.

  Walter eased into the kiss, part of him thinking how he could turn it deeper, use it to move them into something familiar and sexy and less vulnerable, but that part got drowned out fast. Yes, part of it was that this was only Kelly’s second kiss, but it was for Walter himself that he let Kelly keep leading, let the kiss be untutored and clumsy but oh so sweet.

  Yes, this, that deeply buried part of him whispered. I want this. Sweet and simple and Kelly. The kiss wasn’t just something he’d never had before—it was something he’d never allowed himself to yearn for. It felt like a dangerous door opening to a land of tigers and demons and darkness.

  Kelly was there, though. That truth alone made opening that door worth the risk.

  They kissed like that for a long time, the car idling, Walter’s pulse beating at the back of his skull, quieting his headache, bleeding out his tension as Kelly kept making more and more space for him to be okay. Eventually they did pull apart, though, Walter heavy lidded and soft as Kelly smiled against his lips and nuzzled their noses together.

  Walter nuzzled back, only a little hesitant. “Sorry. Lost my shit there for a second.”

  Kelly’s laugh was soft and tickled the base of Walter’s spine, making him come unspooled just a bit more. “Is it bad that I’m glad you did? You’re always so put together. Nothing ever bothers you.”

  “That’s because I work like hell to avoid things where I can’t fake it.” He stroked Kelly’s cheek. “I’m not going to be able to be that guy in this instance. Sorry.”

  Saying that out loud made Walter feel like he’d peeled the skin and muscle away from his chest, exposing himself all the way to brittle bone. Kelly only smiled and kissed him again, softly, which was a relief. He’d worried Kelly was going to say something about how that wasn’t what he was attracted to. Because that was bullshit. Nobody was attracted to a hot mess.

  Walter would simply have to work hard to not be a hot mess when it came to being with Kelly.

  Brushing one last kiss across Kelly’s lips, he shifted back into his seat. “We should probably head back to the house.”

  “Probably so,” Kelly agreed, reaching for his seat belt.

  Walter still didn’t know what they were going to do when they got there, but he wasn’t as panicked about it now. Must have been the kiss that lightened him up.

  Good to know, he thought, and angled the Mazda back toward home.

  Walter’s mother was in bed when they tiptoed into the house from the garage, which was good on the one hand because Kelly wasn’t feeling like making small talk, but on the other hand it felt like it made the awkwardness between himself and Walter that much bigger and more awkward.

  Obviously the big question hanging over their heads was whether or not they were going to go to Walter’s room and continue what they’d started on the dance floor and renewed in the car. Or rather, what Walter had started on the dance floor and Kelly had renewed in the car. He still felt a little thrill when he realized that not only had he been the one to kiss Walter, but his kiss had calmed Walter down and given him something that he needed. Kelly kept playing that over in his head, not only because kissing Walter was awesome but because he’d just sort of reacted, not thinking, and he wanted to work out what about that had worked so well so he could do it again.

  Right now as they milled around uncomfortably in the kitchen, Kelly knew he couldn’t start anything at all because he was so self-conscious he wanted to stick his head in the oven.

  “You want anything to drink?” Walter asked as he opened the fridge door. “Looks like we have Diet Coke, lemonade and vitamin water. Oh, and soy milk and flax milk.”

  “You have soy milk? And flax milk?”

  “Well, I got the soy milk for you, and Mom has some pancake thing she wanted to make for tomorrow morning that takes flax milk.” He leaned back out of the fridge and waggled his eyebrows at Kelly. “Would you care for a glass, sir?”

  It was funny—Walter was trying hard to go back to his usual carefree self, so hard that Kelly could see the gears turning. That realization made Kelly smile, and ironically it eased him a little bit. “I’m good, thanks.”

  Walter shut the door, and now that Kelly knew to watch for it, he tracked the fleeting glimpse of panic as Walter tried to redirect. “I suppose we should go to bed. With the drive and all tomorrow.”

  He said this, but he also glanced sideways at Kelly, his gaze searching to see if this was what Kelly wanted, or if he was expecting something else.

  Kelly found helpless Walter achingly endearing, and he couldn’t stop a smile. Funny too how the more nervous Walter got, the more confident he felt. “I’m not super tired yet, I have to confess.”

  “Oh?” Walter stilled, those visible gears trying to shift and predict the new direction. “What…what did you have in mind?”

  Good question. Making out sounded like fun, but coming out and saying that was more than Kelly had in him just then. What else could he say to do that would let him subtly move them in that direction? Or let the evening play out longer? “Um…well, I have a couple movies on my laptop.”

  Walter’s slow, knowing smile made Kelly’s heart constrict and his pants get tighter. “These wouldn’t happen to be cartoon movies, would they?”

  Busted. Kelly faltered, then ducked his head to hide his embarrassed smile. “Yeah. Though Enchanted is only partly a cartoon.”

  “I love that you’re a Disney nut.”

  That made Kelly look up, his expression dubious. “You do?”

  Walter had closed the distance between them, his sly smile no longer forced. “Yeah. I do. It’s so…Kelly.”

  Kelly wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not. “I still can’t believe you want to be with me when I’m the one who was scamming on animated Tarzan while you were getting off to Tom of Finland.”

  Something went soft and almost sad in Walter’s face. “Kel, that’s exactly why I want to be with you.” Kelly frowned, but Walter didn’t say anything more, just reached up and stroked his cheek. “Let’s go watch Enchanted. I hear Amy Adams is pretty good. If you tell me Susan Sarandon chews up the scenery, it’ll probably be my new favorite film.”

  Kelly didn’t have high hopes that Walter would enjoy even a minute of the movie—mostly he figured they’d laugh a bit at Kelly’s expense, snuggle on the bed and start making out. Which was why he was so surprised when Walter laughed, but in actual enjoyment. He was in tears during “True Love’s Kiss”, and when Sarandon’s cartoon character walked onto the stage, he flipped onto his bel
ly, elbows buried into the mattress as he settled himself in front of the laptop.

  “I had no idea this was a farce. Do they seriously keep up with this, making fun of their own genre?”

  “Oh yeah. You should see the singing and dancing scene in Central Park.” Kelly repositioned himself on the bed so he could lie beside Walter. “It’s about to shift to live action, which is when it really gets good. Also, Giselle meets Robert.”

  Walter raised an eyebrow but didn’t turn away from the screen. “You mean Edward wasn’t her prince?”

  “Nope. She hooks up with Robert’s fiancé. It’s kind of a love quadrilateral.”

  Grinning, Walter glanced at Kelly, but after a moment his smile turned a bit wry. “Sorry. Something tells me this movie was only supposed to be a cover activity and I’m ruining the plan.”

  Kelly blushed, but he smiled too. “That’s okay. I do love this movie.”

  Onscreen, Giselle started to squeal as she was hauled down the New York Streets in her extreme poof gown, and Walter’s focus shifted back and he started giggling. Giggling.

  This was better, Kelly decided, than making out.

  They did snuggle, sort of—their arms pressed together, and behind them their feet kept rubbing against each other, linking at the ankles as they swayed back and forth together. Kelly watched the movie, but more than that he watched Walter, having possibly too much fun tracking his reactions. He laughed, but it wasn’t all in mockery.

  “So Robert is the cynical man who doesn’t believe in love, and Giselle will convince him it does exist by the end, so they can live happily ever after?” Walter asked.

  “Sort of. She has to come to terms with stuff too. The whole thing where she’s promised to Edward but she falls in love with Robert is a bit of a tough nut too.”

  At this point Edward made it through the manhole, changed from cartoon to live-action, and Walter laughed so hard that he fell against Kelly.

  “Holy shit, he’s so fabulously gay. This is perfect.” Then the chipmunk started to chatter, and Walter lost it.

  He giggled too, and Kelly decided this was his new mission in life, to find ways to make Walter giggle. Eventually he had to reposition himself because his arms were hurting from leaning on them, and when he shifted on the bed, Walter moved too, lying on his side and pulling Kelly up in front of him, wrapping an arm around his body and encouraging him to nestle in close. Kelly did. With Walter behind him, he didn’t have to pretend to watch the movie, either. He could shut his eyes and drink in the scent of Walter, let all his focus settle on the way Walter’s hand moved along his forearm and how amazing it felt when Walter slid a leg over his, trapping him lightly in place with a delicious pressure. It was perfect, lying there with him—could he call Walter his boyfriend? He wondered how it would be best to ask that, or if he even should. Maybe when the movie was over, since Walter was in such a good mood and they were both relaxed, he’d bring it up.

  However, before the movie ended, in the middle of Giselle and Robert dancing the King and Queen’s waltz—just after Robert started to sing to her—Walter’s lips brushed Kelly’s ear. When Kelly turned to look at him, he had one moment to register the desire in Walter’s face, and then there was no space between them, because Walter’s lips were on his.

  Funny how he’d been kissed three times that night and each one was completely different and none of them ever what Kelly had expected a kiss to be like. Yes, he’d admit to being one of those gay boys who had rewound kisses and watched them over and over, and the few he’d been able to find on YouTube that were gay had him mesmerized. He’d always figured kissing would be engrossing, like sliding inside someone. Completing a connection.

  It was, but it was also scary and thrilling and such sensory overload that it took Kelly by surprise every time. This one wasn’t as dramatic as the one in the bar or as bumbling as the one in the Mazda. It was slow, and sweet, and it sent Kelly spiraling into something new, something that made him feel hot and cold at once, made him want to lie flat on the mattress and pull Walter on top of him. The kiss made his cock hard and hopeful, even as that development made his heartbeat kick up and flutter inside his rib cage.

  Kelly moaned, a quiet sound that escaped his lips. Walter kissed him deeper, opening his mouth over Kelly’s and stealing inside.

  Whimpering, Kelly opened his mouth wider to let Walter in. His eyes rolled back into his head behind his lids and he let go into Walter’s embrace, shivering at the wicked feel of Walter’s tongue beside his own. Walter’s fingers brushed his jawline before he changed the angle of the kiss, went in even deeper and shifted his body tighter against Kelly’s, pressing him into the bed.

  Kelly moaned again and slid his hands up the front of Walter’s shirt, fingers along the slope of Walter’s neck.

  Nothing about Walter was self-conscious now as he shut the laptop, took a brief moment to reposition Kelly flat on his back, and resumed the kiss, pressing their frames together chest to chest, thigh to thigh, groin to groin. Electricity ran across Kelly’s skin as Walter’s erection pushed hard against his own—when Walter thrust gently, rubbing them together like bits of tinder. Kelly thought he might combust any second, and it didn’t take much frotting to have him gasping into Walter’s mouth and clutching at his shoulders.

  “Walter,” he whispered, breaking the kiss long enough to speak. His hips, no longer taking orders from his brain, kept undulating in time with Walter’s. Kelly bit his own lip and nuzzled Walter’s chin. “Walter, I’m going to—in my pants.”

  “Me too. It’s okay—we can do a load of laundry.” Walter nuzzled back, then caught Kelly’s bottom lip lightly in his teeth. “Come with me, Kelly. Right now.”

  He nipped at Kelly’s lip again, harder this time. Shutting his eyes and holding on tight, Kelly let out a shuddering cry and did as he was told. He came in his underwear, in his jeans, humping against Walter without an ounce of shame. He wasn’t even fully back in his body before Walter did the same, his mouth sealing over Kelly’s as his body tensed, jerked, then melted against Kelly in release. As Walter dragged a weary kiss down Kelly’s cheek, they lay there together, breathing hard through their recovery.

  It was fantastic, unreal, amazing—all except for the sticky, awkward and increasingly cool mess inside his briefs.

  Walter nuzzled behind Kelly’s ear. “We’ll want to go clean up. Dried come is nothing to fuck with.” His lips brushed Kelly’s nape as he said, very quietly, “Hope that was okay.”

  Was it okay? God it was epic. Kelly felt that was too silly to say, so he nodded and kissed Walter’s cheek instead. “It was great.”

  Walter’s smile made Kelly’s heart flip over, though it ached as Walter climbed off the bed and held out a hand to help Kelly up too. As soon as Kelly stood, though, feeling the cold squish inside his pants, he made a face and shivered. “Oh, ew.”

  “Yeah, and it only gets better the longer it sits there.” Walter squeezed his hand and tugged him toward the door. “Come on. We have a date with warm washcloths.”

  Cleaning up was a little embarrassing—it wasn’t like he hadn’t stolen a peek at Walter’s cock before, but he’d never stood half-naked beside him in a bathroom and wiped spunk out of his pubic hair. Naturally, Walter wasn’t embarrassed at all, which worked out well because he had Kelly giggling and relaxed in almost no time at all. They shimmied into sweats, brushed their teeth together and headed back to the bedroom. That was when, however, Walter went awkward again.

  “Do you want me to go?” He nodded toward the guest bedroom. “I mean—I don’t want to…” He trailed off, looking lost and uneasy.

  This Kelly could fix. Happily. He took Walter’s hand and led him back to the bed. “Please stay.”

  Walter relaxed, but not all the way. “We can just sleep. Or—” He rubbed at his jaw, then sighed. “I don’t care what we do, or don’t. I only want to be with you. If that’s okay.”

  Kelly smiled, heart swelling. “Totally okay.” He tugged
Walter into the bed and pulled the laptop back between them. “Come on. You need to see the end of the movie.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Walter lay awake a long time, watching Kelly sleep.

  It was ridiculous, he knew, but he was afraid to close his eyes for fear he’d wake up and this would be a dream. That he’d wake in his room, without Kelly, with his mom banging around in the kitchen, either putting on a fragile smile when he came down or ripping the veil away entirely and weeping because he was leaving, going to school and leaving her alone. That he’d find out he hadn’t picked up Kelly from the airport, kissed him in Roscoe’s and made out with him with a Disney movie as background noise.

  It was ridiculous. He knew this. Even so, he fought sleep like it was a devil, letting it claim him only for long, heavy blinks before he woke himself with a sharp bite against the inside of his cheek. He traced the soft contours of Kelly’s face as he lay still and serene in his slumber beside Walter, ran his fingertip down the line of his neck, across his clavicle and around the collar of his T-shirt.

  He’d done it. He’d told Kelly how he felt. Some of it. They’d kissed, made out.

  Now what? Walter still didn’t know. Part of him was convinced, utterly, that this had been the biggest mistake of his life, bigger than staying home with his mom those two years.

  Part of him ached so badly for this he wanted to cry.

  He didn’t, but his throat was thick and his gut queasy as he kept tracing Kelly’s skin, as things he’d promised himself he wouldn’t think about stirred like dead leaves inside him. That was the funny thing about feelings. He’d learned this years ago, even before college—he could lock things away, but it was a hard turn, that valve. He had to shut whole parts of himself off when he closed it. This had been discussed, at length, in the therapy he’d allowed himself when things with his mother had gone particularly sour. You can’t shut your heart off forever, the counselor had warned him.

  Turned out she was right.

  Walter skimmed his hand over Kelly’s chest, lightly so as not to wake him, but enough to let himself feel, to learn those planes he’d been longing for. It was important not to wake him, because Walter was feeling like a real idiot right now, wanting to blurt out everything, all his secrets that weren’t anything at all, stupid old wounds that upset him. Things he could look back on now and see were problems, scars he carried that got in his way even now, events that if he hadn’t been so young and clueless would have told him a lot, could have kept him from feeling so lousy. Sad truths about how sick his mother was—oh, not sick enough to be a real danger, no, but sick enough to make life lonely and confusing. Ugly truths about his dad and how fucking inattentive and selfish he was, how his dad’s worthlessness mixed with his mother’s Russian roulette was a nightmare roofie cocktail. Unfortunate truths, about how maybe it wasn’t terribly brilliant for a fourteen-year-old to go cruising for daddies, no matter how mature and put together those boys thought they were.