Girl Against the Universe

by Paula Stokes

  “Yeah. The Big Dipper. No, the Giant Dipper. That thing is like a hundred years old.”

  “Is it scary?” An idea starts to form in my brain, revealing itself a fold at a time like an origami flower. It takes a few creases for me to even accept that I’m being serious.

  “It is ridiculously scary,” Penn says. “It’s old school—no loops or upside-down parts, but it’s so fast that you practically lift right off your seat on the hills. People say it goes up to sixty miles an hour.”

  I imagine what it would feel like to get back on a roller coaster. That slow climb to the top of the first hill, your heart beating three times for each jerking movement. That moment before you plunge downward. And then whatever comes next—the parts I won’t let myself remember and the parts I’ve never experienced. My chest gets tight just thinking about it. My hands start to sweat. I’m pretty sure it would be horrible. But it would also be the ultimate victory over my fears.

  I force a smile. “Yeah, I’ll go.”

  Maybe it’s time I give the Universe a sign of my own.

  CHAPTER 31

  Session #14

  Daniel sets the remnants of a burger in a wrapper off to the side as I enter his office.

  “Dinner of champions,” I say.

  He laughs lightly. “Happy Halloween. Got any big plans for tomorrow?”

  “As you can probably imagine, Halloween isn’t really my thing.” I slide into my usual seat. “I’ve got some big plans for Sunday, though.”

  He leans back in his chair. “Oh yeah? Feel like sharing?”

  I fiddle with my mystic knot pendant. “Well, I did okay at the football game but I still felt kind of lame for not being able to ride the trolley. I was thinking I would try again, but bring one of my friends along.”

  “Sounds good,” Daniel says.

  “But then I got an even better idea.” I swing my legs back and forth.

  “What’s that?”

  I look up at him and force a smile. “The roller coaster at Belmont Park.”

  “Wow,” Daniel says. “Really?”

  I shrug. “Go big or go home, maybe? I haven’t asked my mom if I can go yet, but I’m pretty sure she’ll say yes because she’s happy I have friends now.”

  “Maguire.” Daniel rubs his forehead. “After what you’ve been through, no one is expecting you to ever get back on a roller coaster if you don’t want to.”

  “I know,” I say. “I never really liked roller coasters much in the first place. It just feels like something I have to do.”

  Daniel nods slowly. “Well, then you should do it. But not by yourself.”

  “I’ve got a couple of friends who will be with me. They don’t know what I have planned yet. They just think we’re going to the amusement park.”

  “But they’re supportive and trustworthy?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Then I’m excited for you. I can’t wait to hear how it goes. That’s number six, right? What’s after that?”

  “I don’t know yet,” I say. “I feel like my last challenge should be something big. Maybe taking a train or a plane somewhere?”

  Daniel nods. “That’s a good plan if your family can swing it. If not, consider doing something where you have no control over the situation at all.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Your good luck rituals, your constant five-second checks—these are just ways for you to try to seize control of your environment, right? To maintain order in your world. To not feel powerless.”

  “I guess,” I say.

  “You’re going to feel powerless on that plane. Maybe let someone else—your mom, a friend, whoever—plan your last challenge. That way you’ll experience what it’s like to be truly at the mercy of the Universe.”

  My stomach feels like it’s already on a roller coaster as I slip out of Daniel’s office. I still haven’t talked to Jordy since the night of Kimber’s party

  He’s sitting in his usual spot, only today he’s wearing khaki pants and a button-up shirt. His hair is slicked back on the sides but sticking up a little on top. He taps the heel of his dress shoe against the carpet as he swipes at his phone with one finger.

  “Look at you,” I joke. “Is that your stockbroker costume?”

  “Ha. I came from a meeting.”

  “Are you doing anything fun for Halloween?”

  “Nope.” He still hasn’t looked up from his phone.

  I try again. “How was Brazil?”

  “Brazilian,” he says flatly.

  “Are you mad at me, or did your parents just force you to quit talking to me?”

  “Seriously? You want to do this here?” He slides his phone into his pocket. “Fine. I’m mad at you.”

  “What?” I reach out for the arm of the nearest chair to steady myself. “Why?”

  “You told my mom she was right. That caring about you was a mistake.” His voice hardens slightly. “What were you expecting? Some grand gesture where I beg you to change your mind?”

  “Jordy. I just said whatever to get out of there. I was mortified.”

  “I don’t believe you, Maguire. You were the only person who knew how hard I was working to take back control of my life. And then when I finally get the guts to stand up for myself, you take my mom’s side, and then you run away.” He shakes his head. “I asked you to stay. I needed you to stay. And you left.”

  “I just don’t want to be—”

  He holds up a hand. “Spare me. I get it. You want what’s best for me. But just like everyone else, you think you know better than I do.”

  “It’s not that I—”

  He cuts me off again. “Who knows. Maybe you’re right. Maybe everyone but me is right. Maybe I just need to commit one hundred percent to tennis right now.”

  “Jordy. I don’t . . .” My words fall away when I notice he’s staring at something over my shoulder. I spin around. Daniel is standing in the doorway, watching us.

  “You two need a minute?” he asks.

  Jordy shakes his head. “Nah. We’re good. There’s not really anything left to say.”

  CHAPTER 32

  When I get home from Daniel’s, my whole family is in the living room watching a TV show about the solar system. Mom and Tom are cuddled together on the couch with Jacob between them, and my sister is sprawled on her belly on the floor, a recently abandoned coloring book tucked under her elbows to protect her from the scratchy rug.

  “Hi, honey,” my mom says. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” I try not to think about Jordy. He has every right to be mad at me, and there’s nothing I can do about it because I can’t be the girl he needs right now. Maybe the two of us were just supposed to help each other face our fears.

  Erin looks up with a huge grin. “Mack Wire!” She pats the floor next to her. “Come watch. We’re learning about planets.”

  I scoop her up into my arms and swing her around in a circle. “Whee! Look, you’re a planet revolving around the sun.”

  She squeals. “Mack Wire! Faster!”

  “If I go any faster, you might spin off into space, like an asteroid or a crazy meteor!” I twirl her one last time and then set her back on the ground, where she holds her arms out at her sides and continues spinning like a top.

  “I’m Jupiter!” she shouts.

  “No way. You’re too little to be Jupiter!”

  She stops spinning and almost falls over. I reach out an arm to steady her, and she looks up at me with her huge blue eyes. “Mom always says I’m tall for my age.”

  Tom laughs.

  “You’re very tall for your age,” my mom says.

  I nod. “She’s right. You are definitely going to grow up to be Jupiter.”

  Erin giggles. “Hey, Mom. Can I be Jupiter for Halloween tomorrow?”

  My mom shakes her head. “No, because I already made your costume. You said you wanted to be a tennis player, like your sister.” She turns to me. “Is it okay if she borrows your racquet for a q
uick trip around the neighborhood?”

  “Of course.” As I look into my little sister’s face, I am overwhelmed with affection for her. To her, I am a big sister. She doesn’t care that we have different dads, that we look different, that I’m a lot older than her. The way little kids love is so pure and powerful. I throw my arms around her and give her a hug. “But maybe Mom should get you your own racquet. I could use someone to practice with.” I wink.

  Erin giggles again. “I want a racquet, Mom.”

  “Maybe next year,” my mom says with a smile.

  “Did you have a match tonight?” Tom asks.

  “Nope. But I had a really helpful session at Dr. Leed’s. I think you can go ahead and book those plane tickets.”

  “Oh honey, that’s fantastic.” My mom lifts herself off the sofa, carefully so as not to jostle Jacob. “This calls for a celebration.” She heads for the kitchen and then stops. “Did you eat anything for dinner?”

  “Yeah. I got a sandwich between practice and my appointment.”

  “We’ll just do ice cream then.” My mom hums to herself as she begins gathering bowls and toppings.

  Erin looks away from the TV. “Did you say ice cream?”

  “Yes, indeedy.” Tom winks at her. “Even though it’s for Maguire, I guess we’ll let you have some too.”

  Erin’s eyes get wide. “You better!”

  Tom chuckles. “I know better than to get between my girls and their ice cream.”

  Mom returns with a tray laden with two flavors of ice cream, four bowls and spoons, a can of whipped cream, and jars of chocolate and caramel sauce. “Remind me after the kids go to bed, and I’ll forward you the email with the flight information.” She starts to scoop some strawberry ice cream into a bowl for Erin, who quickly informs my mom that she wants mint chip.

  I flash back to the day Jordy bought me ice cream before I knew who he was. I’m more of a mint chip guy. . . . “I’ll take the strawberry. It’s fine.” I accept the bowl Mom hands me and add a little whipped cream to the top. “But wait. You still have to buy tickets, don’t you?”

  Mom smiles. “I bought them a few weeks ago. I could see the changes in you. I knew you’d be able to do it.”

  “You’re the best,” I say. “Speaking of changes, can I go to Belmont Park on Sunday?”

  Erin turns to me so fast she almost drops her bowl of ice cream. “A park? I wanna go,” she says, her eyes wide.

  “This is just for older kids,” I tell her patiently. “We can go sometime as a family too.”

  “Wow.” My mom picks up Jacob, who blinks sleepily and makes a little cooing sound. She hands Tom a bowl of ice cream. Balancing the baby on one hip, she starts to scoop her own bowl. “You told me you’d never go to another amusement park again.”

  “And you told me to be social and get out there,” I remind her. “So are you going to let me go or what?”

  “You and who else?” she asks, a gleam in her eye.

  “Girls from the tennis team,” I say. “Some of the ones I went to the football game with.”

  “What happened to your special practice buddy?”

  “Nothing happened to him. He’s just focused on his tennis, like I said.” I tamp down a pang of sadness.

  “Well, of course you can go, if you’re sure you want to.” Mom hands Jacob to Tom and gives me a hug. “Honey, I’m so proud of all that you’ve accomplished.”

  I can’t remember the last time I saw her look so happy. As I swirl my spoon around in my bowl of strawberry ice cream and watch the rest of the TV show with my family, I decide it’s time for me to figure out how to be happy too.

  Later that night, while Mom is putting Erin and Jake to bed, Tom peeks his head into my room. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  “Sure.”

  “So about Ireland,” he starts.

  I’m sitting cross-legged on my bed, flipping through one of the travel guides, stopping mostly on pages with churches or castles. “Yeah?”

  He steps into my room and shuts the door halfway. Lowering his voice he says, “I just want you to know, it’s okay if something happens and you change your mind. I know you don’t want to let your mom down, but if it comes to it, I can go with her. I already took the time off work so I could watch Jake and Erin.”

  I fiddle with the corner of a picture of something called the Rock of Cashel. “You don’t think I can do it?”

  Tom leans against one of my overflowing bookshelves. “I think you can do anything. I just don’t want you to put too much pressure on yourself. It might be a little awkward for me to be there with her and all of your dad’s family, but I’d do it for her, and for you.”

  “Thanks,” I say. “But I think I’m going to make it.”

  “Well. Either way. I’m proud of you for trying so hard.”

  I shut the travel guide and set it on my nightstand. “Hey, Tom?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry if I was ever a bitch to you. Mom found you kind of soon after Dad died. That hurt me more than I realized at the time. But I never meant to take it out on you.” I thread and unthread my fingers in front of my body. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad she has you.”

  Tom gives my shoulder an awkward squeeze. “Just remember, she’s not the only one who has me, okay? I know your therapist has you completing specific challenges to help you work your way up to that plane ride. If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.”

  “Yeah?” I look up at him. “How do you feel about a road trip at some point? Or even better, a train trip?”

  “Like a dry run for your plane?”

  “Yep.”

  “I have to go to San Jose next month for a business meeting. I was going to drive, but I bet we could catch Amtrak up there. Or if not the train, then a bus. It should actually be perfect—about ten hours, the same as a plane ride to Europe.”

  “You’d do that for me?”

  “Of course. It’d be nice to have the company, if your mom will let you miss a day of school. We could even take the bus there and fly back, if you think you’re ready for a plane.”

  “That would be perfect.” I frown. “But what if something happens or I freak out?”

  “Then we just rent a car,” Tom says with a smile. “Easy breezy.”

  “Seriously?” I hop off my bed. “I’m going to hug you again.”

  Tom lifts me about an inch off the floor as he squeezes me. “I love you, kid,” he says. “I hope that’s okay to say.”

  “It is,” I say. And this moment, this new alliance I never imagined happening, takes a bit of the sting out of losing Jordy.

  NOVEMBER

  CHALLENGES

  1. Make the tennis team.

  2. Ride in a car with someone besides Mom: Jordy

  3. Spend a day in a crowded place: Tennis tournament.

  4. Take something back from the Universe: Rock climbing

  5. Ride public transportation: Team bus

  6. Face a specific past fear: Roller coaster

  7.

  GOAL

  Plane ride to Ireland for memorial service

  CHAPTER 33

  Part of me thinks getting back on a roller coaster is the worst idea ever, but it’s a good challenge, and like Daniel suggested at the start, it’s me pushing myself. The bus ride went fine, and hopefully my mom will let me go to San Jose with Tom, but that’s not for a few weeks. Maybe this is the next logical step—facing a fear specific to my past.

  I pick up Jade first, and then we drive to Penn’s house to get her and her friend. I figure Jordy should be in the middle of a practice session, but I don’t feel like running into him, so I pull my car over to the side of the road and send her a text.

  She comes out of the house a few minutes later, with Jordy right behind her.

  “What is he doing?” I peer over at Jade. “Is she bringing him?”

  Jade holds up her hands, displaying a set of perfectly manicured fingernails. “I have no ide
a.”

  Jordy seems equally thrilled when he sees my car. He pauses on the porch, and Penn leans in to tell him something. He shakes his head. She looks up at him, reaches out, touches his arm. He shakes his head again, turns back toward the house. She slips between him and the door. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but they’re both throwing around a lot of violent hand gestures.

  “This is not what I need today,” I mutter.

  Apparently Penn wins the fight, because Jordy plasters a smile on his face and follows her down the driveway.

  “This should be interesting.” Jade hops out of the passenger seat, and Penn slides into the back. Jade gets in beside her, leaving Jordy standing awkwardly next to the car.

  He squats down to talk to me through the open window. “I’m sorry, Maguire. When my sister begged me to go to Belmont with her, I didn’t know you were going too. I’ll just let you guys go and have fun.”

  “Come on,” Penn says from the backseat. “You told Mom you were taking a day off, and you should take it.”

  “Right. I will. But I’ve got homework and stuff I can do.”

  “What is wrong with you, Jordy? I thought you were done letting them take away everything that matters.” Penn’s voice is shrill.

  “You should come,” I say suddenly. My heart feels like it’s crowding out the rest of my organs, pressing on my ribs, closing up my throat. “I’m going to ride the roller coaster. I’ll take all the moral support I can get.”

  “Maguire.” Jordy sounds shocked. “No one expects you to do that.”

  “Daniel and I decided it was okay. I want to. I mean, I definitely do not want to, but I want to, if that makes any sense.” I pause. “Please come.”

  “Yeah, please come,” Penn echoes.

  He glances over at Jade. “Are you going to chime in too?”

  “Nah. I don’t like you as much as these two do.” A slow grin spreads across her face. “I was hoping Penn’s friend was going to turn out to be Kimber’s brother.”

  Penn pokes her in the arm. “Kimber has a brother?” she mimics. “I knew you were into him.”

  “Darius is a punk,” Jordy says with a half smile. And then, “All right. I’ll come. Do you want me to drive?”