Diary of a Parent Trainer

by Jennifer Smith

  So that’s where we are now. I’m at home babysitting, again. Tonight Mum is out being wined and dined by Yellow Tie Man in some posh restaurant that teachers who wear yellow ties go to. They’re probably drinking champagne and telling each other how wonderful they are.

  One good thing is that my chin seems to be improving, so I no longer look bearded. And tomorrow I’ll see Hannah and Loops for some moral support. Maybe when I go to sleep I’ll dream up a master plan to switch Mum out of Smitten Mode immediately.

  I’ll need every single one of my skills in understanding and controlling Grown-Ups to pull this one off.

  Sunday, August 16: 10:00 a.m.

  MODE-SWITCHING

  It is important that you become skilled in switching your Grown-Up from mode to mode, in order to ensure that you stay in control. If your Grown-Up is stuck in one mode, such as Smitten Mode, for example, this can seriously impair essential everyday functions. If this occurs, try to force them to switch to another mode, such as Angry Mode or Terrified Mode.

  I need to get better at following my own advice. When Mum and Stuart were kissing disgustingly yesterday, I should have leaped up and shouted “Fire!” or “Look—a werewolf!” But I was too shocked.

  Mum—yet again—did not come home while I was still awake. Last night, after I spoke to Hannah, it was the Saturday night of any teenager’s dreams … (yes, I’m being sarcastic and bitter) … Rascal, Jack and me played Monopoly. Well, Rascal didn’t play Monopoly, obviously.

  Jack won, and I didn’t even let him.

  It’s official. My eight-year-old brother is brainier than I am.

  If I was less of a dimwit perhaps I could work out how to use mode-switching to better effect than I’m managing.

  I must remember to play the guilt card with Mum to stop her from going out so much. I’ll do that later.

  I don’t want to spoil things for Mum, but I also don’t want her rushing into things and doing things she might regret. She’s my Grown-Up and my responsibility. I am only thinking of her welfare, like any careful owner … I mean, daughter.

  2:00 p.m.

  Went up to the park earlier and saw Hannah and Loops, who were dying to hear the lowdown on Mum and Yellow Tie Man.

  Loops looked so weird! She’d straightened her hair, which made her head look half its normal size. I’m used to her hair being all crazy and fab and curly, and the straight look didn’t suit her at all.

  But as she seemed so very pleased with it, Hannah and I didn’t want to spoil her good mood. So we lied. We said we liked it.

  I wore my blue T-shirt because it was hot (the weather, not the T-shirt) and my denim shorts with the patches on them. I’d done a much better job of concealing the remaining bruising on my chin, so I was feeling better about being in public. We sat on the row of three swings. Swings are a great place for holding a conversation, if you ignore the sad faces of the kids who can’t go on them and their Grown-Ups in Annoyed Mode.

  “I heard about him walking around with about a hundred roses,” said Hannah. “Nan saw him and she rang my mum straightaway. She said, ‘A fool and his money are soon parted.’ ”

  “He seems nice, though,” said Loops, who kept moving her head around to flick her straight hair. Hannah and I stared at her.

  “Are you joking?” I said. “Don’t you see what he’s trying to do?”

  “Make your mum happy?” suggested Loops. She can be so dense sometimes.

  “He’s trying to change everything,” I carried on, and I could feel my heart thumping incredibly fast. “Mum’s so distracted she forgot Jack’s dentist appointment last week! If all of Jack’s teeth rot and fall out, it’s Stuart’s stupid fault!”

  I saw Neil Parkhouse and Thomas Finch strolling across the soccer field toward us, but I didn’t care.

  I was surprised at how worked up I was about Stuart and Mum. I didn’t know how strongly I felt till it all came rushing out.

  Loops crossed her arms. She can be very stubborn.

  “Well, maybe you should give him more of a chance,” she said. “At least they’re happy. My mum and dad are either ignoring each other or fighting about who puts the rubbish out.”

  I jumped off the swing and turned on her. “Why do you always have to take the other person’s side and argue about it? Why can’t you just be a friend? By the way, I hate your hair like that!”

  I stomped off, bumping straight into Thomas Finch. My face was red with anger. I probably looked like a demented tomato.

  “Whoa!” he said, holding his hands up. “I surrender!”

  He was actually talking to me (!) and he gave me this fantastic smile … but it was totally spoiled, seeing as I was still so mad at Loops. I pushed right past him and marched all the way home, seething.

  As I got in the door, the phone was ringing. It was Hannah on her mobile.

  “Loops is sorry she wasn’t more supportive,” she said, in her careful, peacemaking voice, “but she’s really upset about what you said about her hair. Katie, she’s crying and everything!”

  I could hear a sort of high inhuman wailing in the background. It was either Loops or Hannah’s cat being tortured. I assumed it was Loops.

  So I had to meet them at Hannah’s and tell Loops that her hair was really cool … and then she said that I was right and it did look weird … and then we told her we preferred it curly but whatever it looked like she was incredibly attractive and beautiful … and then we ate a lot of chocolate cookies and said sorry to each other hundreds of times.

  Friends are hard work sometimes.

  5:24 p.m.

  Now I am back home, with the house to myself, chilling out. For some reason I keep thinking about Thomas Finch saying “I surrender!” and giving me that smile of his. I was in too much of a mood to appreciate it. Typical. And there he was, surrendering.… What am I thinking? It must be the hot weather making me confused.

  Still can’t think of a way to switch Mum and Stuart out of this hideous Smitten Mode. I need them to realize that even though they fancy each other, they don’t have anything to say to each other.

  Mum pretends to be interested in all Stuart’s talk about the environment, but she must be bored out of her mind. When she stops being smitten she’ll stop hiding her boredom. She’ll be yawning her head off right in front of him, and he’ll be wondering why he’s with a woman who’s never been camping in her life!

  You might be wondering how my mum met Stuart, a PE teacher from Oxford (which is almost ten miles from Brindleton). A man almost five years younger than her.

  Brindleton is in an “Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty,” according to a sign by the village hall. I wouldn’t agree, but then again I’ve lived here all my life, so it looks pretty ordinary to me. There are footpaths for people to walk along, and sometimes you see them with their backpacks and their socks over their trousers. Striding along Enjoying Nature. Singing “Val-de-ri! Val-de-ra!”

  That was Stuart just a couple of months ago—only I don’t think he was doing the socks thing or singing. Though you never know.

  One of our local farmers thinks it’s a great joke to keep bulls in a field that has a public footpath going through it. He hates townies. Stuart got to that particular field and found himself staring down about twenty-five young bulls, a few of which started toward him. He ran for the nearest fence, which was made of barbed wire but had a tree branch hanging over it. He climbed on the branch, but it snapped and he found himself sitting on the fence with his trousers ripped and bits of sharp barbed wire sticking into his bum.

  Whenever I remember Stuart and Mum kissing in the kitchen, I shut my eyes and imagine him on that barbed-wire fence. It makes me feel much better.

  USEFUL HINT

  Use advanced visualization techniques when Grown-Ups annoy you. There are many scenarios you can imagine the Grown-Up in:

  a) on the toilet with very bad constipation

  b) standing in front of a firing squad

  c) being chased by
badgers.

  Let your imagination run wild.

  Stuart pulled himself off the fence (imagine your own sound effects) and limped to the nearest road. He decided to knock on the door of the first house he came to and ask for help.

  Mum was at home, cooking tuna pasta surprise. The surprise was the pickled gherkins. Mum, as I mentioned earlier, is a hideous cook.

  When he appeared and explained what had happened, she got the medical kit out and showed him to the bathroom. Then—this is the worst part—she gave him a pair of Dad’s old trousers from a bag she’d never got round to taking to the charity shop.

  When I got home, Stuart was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea, but as soon as he saw me he ran off as fast as my dad’s trousers could take him. He’d obviously fancied Mum but was not so keen on the idea of her having kids.

  I noticed Mum was flustered and distracted that evening. In fact, that might have been when she started checking for wrinkles in the mirror. Then she went back to normal until a week or so later when she got The Phone Call.

  “How did you get our number? Directory Inquiries? Oh, wow! No, don’t worry. I don’t think you’re a stalker or anything. Actually, I’m glad you phoned.…”

  And that was that. Yellow Tie Man came into our lives.

  But hopefully, he won’t be around much longer. I know I can use my skills to bring Mum to her senses and get her priorities straight.

  She needs to see Stuart for what he is. He may seem like a relaxed and (according to Loops) attractive person who adores her, but in actual fact, he is a yellow knitted tie—wearing, TV-hating ecofascist.

  Once she realizes this, she’ll soon switch from Smitten Mode to Irritated Mode. Then, once she dumps him, I can get her back to Happy Mode and everything will be back to what it was before. Easy! It will be mode-switching at its best!

  Sunday, August 16: 6:05 p.m.

  STOP THE PRESSES!

  I’ve just accidentally come across something very interesting. I was looking for my hairbrush, which I thought had rolled under the bed, when I found an old shoe box wrapped in one of Mandy’s sweatshirts.

  As soon as I opened it I realized it was full of Mandy’s special stuff—there were a couple of photos of Dad, and birthday cards he’d given her, and the bunny rattle she had when she was a baby.

  I felt a bit guilty looking at her private stuff. I was about to shut the lid and put it back when I caught sight of a piece of paper. Written in Mandy’s very best script was the following:

  Mrs. Joshua Weston

  Mandy Weston

  Amanda Weston

  Mrs. J. Weston

  Mrs. Amanda Weston

  Mr. and Mrs. Joshua Weston

  Dr. and Mrs. Weston

  Dr. and Dr. Weston

  The Doctors Weston

  Joshua Weston is Loops’s big brother!!! Mandy likes him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! This is brilliant! She’s always so rude to him. Everybody thinks she hates him, but she loves him!!!!! This is so good. It’s the absolute best thing that’s happened to me all week.

  The Doctors Weston is the best. It must be Mandy’s fantasy—the two of them in matching white coats with stethoscopes. Which is hilarious, as Mandy is rubbish at biology; I think she even fainted one time when they were dissecting something. Obviously Mandy’s been watching far too many hospital dramas.

  I can’t believe Mandy is also in Smitten Mode! How weird that she could even be thinking about marrying someone. She’s definitely developing more and more Grown-Up tendencies. Very worrying.

  Joshua Weston’s hair is not as red as Loops’s; it’s more strawberry blond. He scowls most of the time, probably because his parents are always fighting about taking the garbage out.

  He’s got no idea that Mandy likes him, since she’s so horrible to him! It must be her way of paying him attention … but it seems to have backfired. He thinks she hates him! So he’s hardly going to ask her out, is he?

  Hee, hee, hee! I can’t wait till she gets home.

  10:57 p.m.

  When Mandy finally got in tonight I confronted her, in a very mature manner, by waving the list in front of her face and chanting, “Mandy loves Joshua! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!”

  I have never seen Mandy so angry. She instantly overheated. She was definitely not her usual “I’m so cool because I’m fifteen” self. In fact, for a while she seemed unable to catch her breath! Probably because she knew I’d been looking through her precious shoe box. If only it was that easy to switch Mum’s modes these days!

  When she recovered herself, Mandy told me that if I breathe a word of what I’d learned to a living soul, she’ll tell everyone in Brindleton (possibly by going door to door) that I still wet the bed! Which is not true, by the way, in case you are wondering. But there is no way I’m squealing.

  After that was decided, we did have a little talk about it. Apparently she hasn’t even told the Clones that she likes Joshua. She’s terrified they’d tell him and then he’d laugh at her.

  “But you’re not ugly or weird or anything,” I said. “Why would he laugh at you?”

  “I don’t know,” she muttered, “but it would be just my luck. Anyway, if I tell Lucy and the others I like him, they’ll joke that we’ll have angry-looking babies.”

  “But Joshua doesn’t glare all the time, it’s just when he’s around his family!” I protested.

  “You know what they’re like,” she said. And she’s right. The Clones can be so mean to each other! I’m glad me and Hannah and Loops don’t do that.

  It feels good talking to Mandy and knowing something the Clones don’t. It feels more like being sisters again. Even if she is prepared to tell the world terrible lies about me.

  Tuesday, August 18: 9:00 p.m.

  FANCYING THE PANTS OFF MODE

  Fancying the Pants Off Mode is the mode Grown-Ups employ when they have a massive crush on someone—usually some celebrity on TV, but occasionally some unfortunate real person. Fancying the Pants Off means they fancy someone so much that they wish that person’s pants were literally off, which means they wish they could see their bum—very rude. This is COMPLETELY DISGUSTING and should be discouraged.

  I have put my mode-switching plan into action. I am sitting on the sofa with Mum and Mandy, writing this while watching this old eighties film called Moonstruck for about the millionth time. It’s Mum’s favorite film, because she fancies the pants off Nicolas Cage. There’s a scene in it—which is just coming up, actually—where Nicolas Cage says, “Love isn’t meant to be good, it’s meant to break your heart!” and goes on to give this big speech about how people love the wrong people.

  Mum loves that bit and knows it by heart. It’s so funny to see her saying all the words—especially as there’s a bit where he says “Now I want you to get upstairs, and GET INTO MY BED!” That bit gets Mum very excited. So she is obviously imagining getting between the sheets with old Cagey-Boy. EUEEEEERGH!

  When Mum and Auntie Julie talk about Nicolas Cage and Gary Barlow, they say, “I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.”

  Does that mean that other men, who are not Gary Barlow or Nicolas Cage, are constantly getting kicked out of bed? There must be a lot of men sleeping on floors out there.

  Going back to Moonstruck, I’m sure being reminded of how much she fancies Nicolas Cage and hearing that speech about people loving the wrong people will convince her that Stuart is not at all hot—and all wrong for her!

  My skills in the operation of Grown-Ups are as strong as ever. Mum’s definitely going to stay in more now. I told her that Jack had a little cry when I was putting him to bed two weekends ago because he missed her so much. Well, his eyes were watering, as he was laughing so much about eating boogers. So that is, technically, crying. I’m not a complete Filthy Dirty Liar.

  USEFUL HINT

  Mums in particular are hardwired and programmed to feel constantly guilty. They will try to hide it, but deep down they are convinced that if you turn out to be a murdering psychopath
it will be because they let you watch too many episodes of The Teletubbies.

  Making your Grown-Up feel guilty is just another operational technique that helps you stay in control. Use it wisely.

  You should have seen Mum’s face. She might as well have had “guilty” tattooed all over her forehead. We’ll definitely be having more nights like this, just us together. Perfect results!

  Talking of “Fancying the Pants Off,” I don’t think Hannah is as committed to Ben Clayden as she pretends to be. It’s all “Neil this” and “Neil that” these days. I think she’s secretly liked him for ages. He’ll probably ask her out and then they’ll eventually have to kiss. That’s what’s expected when you go out with someone. Thomas Finch certainly didn’t have a clue about that part of the deal—he didn’t even speak to me, let alone kiss me. And to be honest, I was sort of relieved about that … not the not-speaking bit, but the not-kissing bit.

  The truth is I don’t have a clue about kissing. Which could mean major embarrassment should the occasion arise before I die. Mandy and the Clones have all done it. In fact, they seem to do nothing else. Even though she loves Joshua Weston, it doesn’t stop Mandy from randomly kissing people from her class at school just as much as all the other Clones do. They treat it like a hobby.

  Hannah and Loops and me discussed the subject on Hannah’s garage roof earlier, where we were sunbathing.

  “Do you know how to kiss properly? Like a French kiss?” I asked them.

  “Well I’ve not done it properly, if that’s what you mean,” said Hannah, “but I think you sort of do this.…”

  Then she held up her right hand and made a fake mouth out of her first finger curled over and her thumb. She proceeded to pretend to kiss it, which involved moving her head from side to side and doing a sort of goldfish thing with her mouth.