Hold Me Close

by Rosalind James

  Losing Kurt’s saddle had been a blow. A big one. But Eli had his father’s boots, and a whole box to grow into up in Bonners Ferry. He was going to be walking in his dad’s shoes for a long, long time. That mattered, and it helped.

  “You know what I’ve decided about Eli and me?” she told Luke now. “About the optimism thing?”

  “What?” he said, smiling reluctantly back at her.

  “Well, here we are, down to zero again, and I don’t care, and neither does he. Because Eli and me—we bounce.”

  “Well, then,” he said, “bounce on back to me as much as you can, how about that?”

  That had been January. It was late April now, and she knew that she’d been right. It had been better for both her and Eli to get secure again on their own. For her to spend the weekends with Luke, but to know that she had her own place, too. That she was with him by choice, and that she belonged to herself. To know that Luke was willing not only to hold her close, but to let her go. Every time he said good-bye to her, it made her want to walk back to him a little bit more.

  Today, she finished pedaling up the Maple Street hill after her shift and turned onto Fourth Street, where she hopped off her bike and wheeled it up under the big horse chestnut, just beginning to blossom, and around to the side of the house to the entrance to the little basement apartment. She locked the bike and unlocked the door, and found a letter on the mat inside.

  She stood there with her purse still over her shoulder and stared at the return address.

  Department of Financial Aid

  University of the Palouse

  Her hands were shaking as she slit the envelope open with her key. Please, she prayed, unfolding the papers. Multiple papers. That had to be good. But all the same, she could hardly bear to look.

  Dear Ms. Chambers, she read. I am happy to inform you . . .

  Her heart was thumping out a staccato beat as she continued to scan. A scholarship. She had won a scholarship. Her. She had to put a hand out against the door to hold herself up, but she didn’t stop reading, because this was it. This was her future, and Eli’s future. A whole financial-aid package. The scholarship, a good one, one that would last four years, as long as she kept her grades up. And a loan, too, that she’d have to pay back, but she could do that.

  She hadn’t dared to believe it could happen. She’d spent so long on the application, had written and rewritten it until she couldn’t tell any more if it was good, bad, or indifferent. If they’d laugh, or sigh and dump it in the trash, or if, somehow, they’d read it and care. If they’d even believe her. She’d laid her soul bare, and then she’d worried that it sounded too needy, too self-pitying.

  Luke, though, who had read it again and again through all its revisions, had reassured her. “Need is what it’s all about,” he’d said when he’d read it for the last time, just two days before the deadline. “And weak? No. This is anything but weak. This is what strength—real strength—looks like. You sound like a survivor in this, and that’s good, because that’s exactly what you are. You sound worthy. You sound like the best bet there is.”

  “You think?”

  “Sweetheart.” He’d put an arm around her where she’d sat twisting her hands together in nervous anticipation. Then he’d leaned close, kissed her on the forehead, and smiled at her. “Trust me. I know a little bit about this. You’ve got a great shot. One way or the other, you’ve got this.”

  One way or the other. She’d known what he meant. That he’d make sure she had it. That he’d pay. He’d offered, but she’d shied away from it. She wanted so much to achieve it herself. She wanted to do . . . something. To be somebody, to get somewhere on her own. At least to have one foot on the path.

  Now, she barely even knew she was running until she was inside the echoing halls of the high school, had burst into the administration office and past Cindy, who was half standing, her mouth open, starting to say something. She was inside Luke’s office, and he was swinging his booted feet down from his desk and jumping to his feet.

  “Luke!” she said, and held out the envelope, breathing almost too heavily to get the words out. “Look!”

  “What?” he asked in alarm. “What’s happened? Eli?”

  She shook her head, laughed, and pulled out the papers. “I did it! I got it!” She wasn’t making any sense, and she knew it, but she could hardly stop to explain. The happiness was bubbling up and over, impossible to contain, and she was actually jumping a little.

  “Whoa.” He was smiling now. “Something good came in the mail, I’m thinking. What? Tell me.”

  “A scholarship.” Saying the words aloud made it even more incredible. “A really good one. And loans, too. And listen to this.” She held up the letter and read the handwritten note at the bottom, under the signature. We were particularly impressed by your essay and your journey. Welcome to the University. She looked up at Luke and said it again, her voice shaking a little. “‘Welcome to the University.’ I’m going to college. Next fall. I’m going. Me.”

  “Of course you are.” With that, he picked her right up off her feet and twirled her around the floor, laughing out loud. She shrieked in surprise, and then laughed right along with him.

  “It’s what I keep telling you,” he said when he’d put her down again and given her an exultant kiss that was the icing on her cake. “You’re bona fide, grade-A college material.”

  She set the letter down on his desk so she could hold him properly, although she knew she’d be reading it over again and again. She’d probably start worrying tomorrow about the details, about shifts at the restaurant and coursework and taking a loan she’d have to pay back. But that was tomorrow. Today, she was going to be happy.

  “Thank you,” she told him. He still had his arms around her, and she pulled his head down to kiss him, then rubbed her cheek against his, stood back, and said the rest of it. “Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for saving my life, and Eli’s life. Thank you for everything. You’re my hero. You’re my knight in shining armor.”

  “No thank-yous.” He wasn’t laughing anymore. “They’re not necessary, because none of that was a choice. That was destiny, or something close to it. That was . . . that was just love.”

  Her eyes had misted over. The way he was looking at her, the way he was holding her—between that and the letter, what more could she wish for? She had it all.

  “You know what happened when I got this?” she asked him.

  “No, what?”

  “I didn’t even think. I just came straight here to tell you. All I wanted to do was share it with you. And I think that means something.’

  His body went still. “Ah,” he finally said. “This would be the moment then?”

  “Yeah. This is the moment. This is when I say . . .” She had to stop and start over. “When I say that I’m ready to say yes. I’m ready to put it on the line. If you still want me to, I’m ready to—” She had hit the wall again. “Whoosh,” she muttered. “This is hard, you know?”

  “I know.” The back of his hand brushed against her cheek, and he didn’t rush her, just stood there and waited for her to go on.

  “I trust you,” she told him, and felt the words resonating all the way to her soul. They meant more than any ‘I love you’ she had ever said, because they came from such a hard place. “I know I’m a little . . . broken. But if you want me, if you want us, I’m ready to be with you for real. No holding back. I’m ready to trust you with Eli and me. With our hearts, and our . . . our safety. All the kinds of safety there are. I’m ready to trust you with everything.”

  “Oh, sweetheart.” His voice, his face were so tender. “You’re not broken. You got a little battered there, but you’ve never been broken. Nobody could break you. And of course I want you. Both of you. There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted more.”

  “Then . . .” She shrugged a little and laughed
. “Maybe I tell Rochelle we’re moving out?”

  “Maybe you do.” His smile was huge. “Maybe you do. But before you do that, there’s something I need to do. Something I’ve been wanting to do for a long, long time.”

  He took her by the hand and led her out of the office, where he stopped and locked up. “Cindy,” he said, “I have a family emergency, and I’m going home for the day. Tell Shirley she’s in charge, will you?”

  “Is anything wrong?” she asked.

  “Tell you what.” He laughed out loud. “I’ll let you know tomorrow, how’s that? Either something will be wrong, or something will be very, very right. And you’ll be almost the first to know.”

  “Uh-huh,” she said, but Luke had Kayla’s hand again, and they were leaving.

  “She’s on the phone already, I’ll bet,” Kayla said. “Where are we going?”

  “I’m sure you’re right. And we’re going home.”

  “Um . . . why?” She had to run a little to keep up with him as he hit the lock for the truck, opened the door for her, and handed her up inside.

  “Tell you when we get there.”

  That was all she got out of him until they were walking through his front door, where Daisy ran to meet them with an excited woof. “Wait here,” he said. He headed toward the hallway, with Daisy trotting after him, then stopped and looked back. “I mean, please.”

  She laughed. Today, she couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m here.”

  She sat on the couch and waited, but he wasn’t gone long.

  “What’s this all about?” she asked cautiously when he was standing in front of her again. His square jaw was set now, and there was a muscle working in one cheek. “Is something wrong?”

  “No.” He took an audible breath. “It’s just—it just hit me. That night when I went after you and Eli—that was the most scared I’ve ever been. But this is a pretty close second.”

  “What?” He was scared? She’d thought he wanted her and Eli to move in. He’d sure said so often enough. Now, when it came down to it, he was changing his mind?

  He sat down beside her and took her hand in his. “I told myself that when this happened, if it ever did, when you were ready—I was going to take it all the way. You put it on the line, and now I’m going to do it. So here I go.” Another breath, and he said it. “I love you, Kayla. I want you to be my wife, and I want Eli to be my son. I want you both to belong to me. Not in a bad way,” he hurried to add. “In the right way. I guess it’s better to say, I want us to belong to each other. So moving in’s great. It’s . . .” He laughed a little, shook his head. “It’s more than great. But I’m going for more. I’m going for broke.”

  Kayla’s heart had long since begun to pound. Now, she felt as if it would stop, because Luke was reaching into his pocket, pulling out a square black velvet box, and opening it, then turning it so she could see what was inside. She gasped, because the ring in it was . . . it was beautiful.

  “I know it’s not a diamond,” he said. “It’s a sapphire. I thought—better.”

  “Yes,” she managed to say through a throat constricted with emotion. “Better.”

  “Man up,” he muttered to himself, and she almost laughed in surprise. He pressed her hand, looked into her eyes, and said the words. “I love you so much, Kayla. Will you marry me?”

  “I . . .” She had to stop a minute, but there was no choice. Not really. He was the man she’d run to today, the man she would always run to. He was her refuge and her solace and her joy. He was the man who’d been given to her after she’d lost nearly everything, and she was going to accept that gift. Life had taken so much from her, but it had given her Eli, and now it had given her Luke. She was going to open her arms and her heart, here and now, and take what she’d been given.

  “Yes,” she told him, and her heart was so full, surely it was going to overflow. “Yes.”

  He exhaled, and she realized he’d been holding his breath. “I’m doing this thing,” he said, sounding as if he couldn’t believe it, then picked up her left hand and slid the ring home.

  He sat and held her hand, looked at the sapphire winking on her finger, surrounded by its circle of delicate diamonds, and then he lifted his head and looked straight at her again. “There’s something I read once that I’ve always remembered.” His voice was deep and strong now, and there was nothing but certainty in it. Nothing but love. “The thing they used to have the groom say in a wedding service in England, when he put the ring on the bride’s finger. And it’s this. ‘With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow.’ That might not be what they tell me to say on the day. But it’s how I feel, so I’m saying it now.”

  “That’s so—” She swallowed. “That’s beautiful.” She looked at the ring, and then at Luke. He smiled back at her, all his generosity, all his patience and understanding shining in those brown eyes, and her heart actually ached with love for him, with gratitude to whatever had led her to him. She had a good man, and he was hers. Hers and Eli’s. Hers to hold. Hers to keep.

  She laughed unsteadily and gave a hasty swipe to her eyes with the back of her hand. “I can’t . . . I’m not sure I can say what I need to say. I can’t tell you.”

  “You don’t have to tell me,” he said. “You just have to feel, and to show me.”

  “No. I do.” She took a deep breath and looked down at where he had twined his fingers through hers, the jewels sparkling in their midst as if they were a product of their joined hands. Which was exactly right. Exactly how it felt.

  “I’m so . . . so lucky,” she began haltingly. “That Eli and I found you. I love you so much, and I’ll do my best to make you happy, I promise. But I won’t say that other thing. I have a feeling that—the woman’s part that goes along with that? I’ll bet that was the part with ‘obey’ in it. And I’m not going to promise that. Never again.”

  “No.” He wasn’t smiling now, but he was still holding her hand. “That’s not what I want. I’ve got a dog for that. That ‘making me happy’ thing, though? I’ll take that. You just stay with me, and love me, and yell at me if you really have to. You talk to me and listen to me and hold on to me, and we’ll do this thing. We’ll get through the stuff we have to get through, and enjoy everything else, and it’ll be a good life. It’ll be the life I want, because I’ll be spending it with you.”

  He lifted their joined hands to his lips and kissed her fingers, and she wouldn’t have said that his eyes were exactly dry. “So what do you think?” he asked her. “We got a deal? You going to make me a family man?”

  He was wiping her tears away now, and smiling at her. Loving her, like he’d always love her. She knew it. She believed it.

  “You’ve got a deal,” she told him. “Now, and always. But I don’t have to make you a family man, just like I don’t have to make you a good man. Because you already are.”

  The Burger Barn was hopping tonight, but Luke had called ahead. It wasn’t exactly a reservation type of joint, but he’d gotten a reservation anyway. Sometimes, it was who you knew, and he knew everybody.

  “Here you go, hon,” Christine said when she delivered the three plastic baskets. “You all good on beer?”

  “Yep,” Luke said. “Only having one. I’m driving some pretty precious cargo tonight.”

  She smiled. “Aw. That’s so sweet.” And then she’d hurried off again, and they ate their burgers, and then there was no more delay. This was it. It was time.

  “So, Eli,” Luke said. “I guess you’re wondering why I’ve called you here today.”

  “Huh?” Eli blinked at him.

  Luke laughed a little. “Yeah. Right. Over your head.” Kayla’s hand crept into his under the table. He felt her shifting closer to him, offering him her unspoken support, and he lost it just a little. Damn, but he loved this woman.

  He clea
red his throat and tried again. “So. What this is here—we’ve got a family celebration going on tonight. Because you and your mom are going to be moving back in with me.”

  “Really?” Eli said, looking nothing but happy. “Cool. I like living at your house better. I like having Daisy. Does she still get to sleep in my room?”

  “You bet. But that’s the other part of the deal. It isn’t going to be my house anymore.”

  “It isn’t?” Eli looked confused. “You mean you’re leaving?”

  “Nope. I mean that when you move back in, it’s going to be our house. Yours, your mom’s, and mine. I asked your mom to marry me today, and she said yes.” He lifted Kayla’s hand and set it on the table. “This ring she’s wearing? It’s an engagement ring. It’s my promise to her, and to you, too. It says you’re both my family now.”

  Eli stopped with the remains of his hamburger halfway to his mouth. His eyes flew to his mother’s face. “Do you want to, Mom?” he asked. “Are you . . . really sure?”

  “Yes,” she said, her pretty mouth trembling, but her words so certain. “Yes, sweetie. Yes. I want this very much. For you, and for me.”

  “But it’s jewelry, Mom. You said you don’t like jewelry. Not anymore.”

  “Luke told me once,” she said, “that jewelry can mean different things. Remember how I talked to you about wedding rings?”

  He nodded uncertainly. “You saved yours for me. We’ve still got that, right?”

  “Yes. We do. We’ve still got it, and someday, you’re going to have it, and when you put it on your wife’s finger, that’s only going to mean one thing. It’s going to mean that you can’t imagine going through your life without her, because having her in it makes it better. Because you love her, and you need her. What Luke said—and he’s right—is that sometimes, a man gives a woman jewelry to show her that. To show her how he feels, because the right words—those kinds of words—can be hard for him to say. Sometimes, it’s just him telling her he loves her, that she’s precious to him. That’s what that ring meant when your dad put it on my finger, and that’s what this one meant when Luke put it on that same finger today. That he loved me, and that he needed me.”