Not Fair!

by Donna Jo Napoli

  “Mine!” shouted Jessica, jumping out from under the table. She grabbed the box and ripped it open. Cheerios flew everywhere.

  Hank looked from the mess on the floor to the thin patch of black cloth on the counter. “Is that yours?”

  Jessica squashed the empty Cheerios box with both hands and stamped through the pile of oats. “I want a doubloon. I want a doubloon. I want a doubloon.”

  “You’d better clean that up before Mom comes down.” Hank picked up the black cloth. It had a piece of string attached to it. “What is this?”

  Jessica snatched it and tied the string around her head so that the patch covered one eye. She glowered at Hank with the other eye. “Eyes go fast in sword fights,” she said threateningly.

  “Only if you’re a poor fencer,” said Hank. “I’ve never lost an eye.”

  “You’ve never been in a sword fight.”

  “Neither have you,” said Hank.

  “Shows how much you know,” said Jessica. She straightened her eye patch and took out the broom and dustpan.

  “Where’d you get that eye patch, anyway?”

  “Play pirates with me and I’ll make one for you.”

  “With a girl? Never.” Hank picked up the box of Raisin Bran and poured a bowl.

  Clunk! Clunk!

  “Two!” Jessica threw herself on the floor. “No, no, no!” She rolled in the Cheerios dust.

  Hank was almost dizzy with amazement. What on earth was going on? He must be the richest kid in the world. He dropped both coins in his pocket with the others. He would jingle-jangle his way through the day. “Should I buy the city zoo and set all the animals free?”

  “You’re an animal,” said Jessica.

  “Should I go on TV and run for president?”

  “Run for idiot is more like it,” said Jessica.

  “Should I—”

  “Shut up! We should play pirates after school today, Mr. Stinky Stinky Stinky.” Jessica scooped up two handfuls of smashed Cheerios and dumped them on Hank’s head.

  Angel Talk

  I thought we agreed money wasn’t the issue,” said the Archangel of Fairness.

  “We did. But money is a tool in my plan.” The little angel unwrapped a chocolate Kiss, threw it in the air, and caught it in her mouth. “Want to try?”

  “Sure.” The archangel unwrapped the Kiss the little angel gave her and threw it in the air. It came down smack on her nose and fell to the ground.

  “It takes a little practice. Here, try again.”

  “No thanks. Let’s pay attention to our problem. You have to do more than fill Hank’s pockets with coins.”

  “I am doing more,” said the little angel. “Who do you think found that patch of black cloth in the sewing basket and put it on the floor of Jessica’s closet? She’s so smart—she knew instantly that it would make a perfect eye patch. And wait’ll you see what else I put there.”

  “What?”

  The little angel laughed.

  Pirates’ Garb

  On Saturday morning when Hank walked into the kitchen, Jessica was standing in front of the cereal cupboard, one eye covered by the patch and a rubber sword in her hands. “Which box? Tell me or die!”

  “I’m having eggs,” said Hank.

  Jessica pulled at her hair and ran screaming into the living room.

  Hank followed her. “Where’d you get that sword?”

  “It’s called a ‘rapier,’ actually. And pirates don’t tell landlubbers.” Jessica stuck her hand deep in her jeans pocket and pulled out a bandanna. She tied it around her head.

  Hank walked in a circle around Jessica. “With that bandanna on, your hair doesn’t even show. You could be a boy pirate.”

  “I’m a girl pirate,” shouted Jessica. She pointed her rapier at him. “And you’re a boy ape.”

  “Have you got any more of those rapiers?”

  “No,” said Jessica. “But I’ve got a toy cutlass.”

  “What’s that?” asked Hank.

  “It’s like a sword, but the blade is shorter.”

  “Oh,” Hank said, looking wistfully at the rapier.

  “But the cutlass blade is also a lot broader. It can hack people apart,” said Jessica.

  “Really?” Hank scratched his head. “Well, maybe I’ll play with you, but I’m having breakfast first.” He marched into the kitchen and put a frying pan on the stove.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Watch.” Hank let a pat of butter melt in the middle of the pan, then he cracked an egg into it.

  “How’d you learn how to cook an egg?”

  “Mom taught me last night, when you were off reading. I made one for her during her study break. With toast. And a glass of milk.”

  Jessica grabbed a fork and poked the yolk. Yellow ran everywhere.

  “Hey, what’s the big idea?” said Hank.

  “Just checking,” said Jessica. “That yolk looked a lot like gold.”

  Hank burst out laughing. “All right, if you want to play pirates so bad, I’ll play with you.”

  “Yay!” Jessica yelled up the stairs, “Bye, Mom, we’re going sailing.”

  “That’s nice, honey,” called Mom from her study.

  “What do you mean, we’re going sailing?” asked Hank. “We can’t go sailing.”

  “Yes we can,” said Jessica. “Mom said so.”

  “Her test is Monday,” said Hank, gobbling up the egg. “She’s totally loopy. She didn’t understand a word you said.”

  “That’s her fault, not mine,” said Jessica. “Let’s get our bikes.”

  “Where can we go sailing, anyway?”

  “Moon Bay.”

  Hank stuffed the last bite of toast into his mouth. “I’ve never heard of Moon Bay.”

  “That’s because it’s a pirate secret,” said Jessica. She went to her room and came out wearing a backpack and holding her toy rapier in one hand and the cutlass in the other. She handed the cutlass to Hank as they went outside.

  “We can’t ride bikes with swords in our hands,” said Hank.

  “That’s what the straps are for. They can hang across our backs.” Jessica climbed on her bike and led the way down the sidewalk. She turned right onto Forest Drive. Then she stopped.

  “This is the soccer field,” said Hank.

  “That’s one of its many disguises,” said Jessica. “It’s really a big bay. Moon Bay.”

  “You’re nuts,” said Hank. “I knew we weren’t really going sailing.”

  Jessica pulled her rapier out of the scabbard and cut a figure eight high in the air. Then she put it on the ground and opened up her backpack. She took out a purple bedsheet with two holes cut in it. “Here. You step in one hole and I’ll step in the other, and we can drape the sheet over both our bikes and ride along under it.”

  “Why?” asked Hank.

  “Just do it.”

  “I have to be back in time to ride my bike in the parade this afternoon,” said Hank.

  “It’s only ten. And the parade doesn’t start till after lunch.”

  “But I have to get ready for it,” said Hank.

  “You are ready,” said Jessica. “You already put decals on your bike. Let’s play.”

  Angel Talk

  Swords?” The Archangel of Fairness moaned softly. “Oh, no.”

  “They’re not real,” said the little angel. “They’re rubber. But they look good, don’t they?”

  “Oh, rubber. That’s good. But the sheet is real.”

  “A sheet’s not dangerous,” said the Little Angel of Fairness.

  “Maybe not, but what do you think that mother’s going to say when Jessica tells her she cut two big holes in her sheet?”

  “ ‘That’s nice, honey,’ ” called the little angel, mimicking the mother perfectly.

  The archangel laughed. “Well, I don’t know exactly what you’re up to, and I have no idea what Jessica’s up to with that sheet, but you’ve got Hank agreeing to play pirates with Je
ssica, and that’s a start. So keep at it.”

  Moon Bay

  “Watch out for alligators,” said Jessica.

  “Alligators?” said Hank. “There are no alligators in the high seas.” Jessica said stupid things, but they were spooky and they made him feel odd. He found himself looking around carefully in spite of himself.

  “Lots of pirates hid in the bayous of Louisiana, and the waters there are croc-infested.”

  “ ‘Croc-infested’? Listen to the way you talk. You sound like a book.”

  “I sound like a pirate.”

  “I thought this was a bay,” said Hank. “Not a bayou.”

  “Oh, yeah, I forgot,” said Jessica. She pointed over at the edge of the field. “Look at all those schooners. Let’s attack them. Charge!” she shouted.

  “Schooners?” asked Hank. “I don’t see anything.”

  “Those big boats.” Jessica leaned close and whispered, “The imaginary ones. We’re in a schooner, too. Just a small one. Pirates had little schooners so they could go fast.”

  “This is a schooner?”

  “Yeah, pedal.”

  Hank and Jessica pedaled. The sheet got caught in the front wheel. They jerked to a stop.

  “This isn’t working,” said Hank.

  “It will,” said Jessica. “We just need to find a way to keep the sheet off the wheel.”

  “That’s not all,” said Hank. “This doesn’t look one bit like a schooner.”

  “Sure it does.”

  “No it doesn’t. It looks like an ugly old purple sheet over two bikes.”

  “Mom always says you can’t criticize unless you have a better idea,” said Jessica.

  “Moon Bay is yucky,” said Hank. “I’m going home.” He stepped out of the sheet and pulled his bike free.

  Angel Talk

  Well, that certainly didn’t last long,” said the Archangel of Fairness. “Hank’s on his way home.”

  “He doesn’t give Jessica half a chance,” said the little angel. “I don’t know what to do about him. Hey, what would you think if I put a bunch of chocolate Kisses in Jessica’s pocket? Then she could lure Hank into playing by feeding them to him, one for each nice thing he did.”

  “That sounds like bribery to me,” said the archangel. “And bribery doesn’t teach anyone anything. Besides, you already pointed out that she’s the one with the sweet tooth, not Hank.”

  “Well, then, I’m just going to have to get him to see what fun it would be to play pirates with her.”

  “How?” asked the archangel.

  “I don’t know. But Hank is still driving Jessica nuts, and now he’s driving me nuts, too. This calls for drastic action, and I’m ready.”

  The Schooner

  Hank rode his bike in the middle of the street. Jessica was far behind him, riding on the sidewalk, because Mom didn’t allow her to ride in the street.

  There was a trash pile up ahead on the right. Someone had put out a huge cardboard box, big enough for a refrigerator to come in. All of a sudden the box seemed to move on its own. It tumbled out into the street, right into Hank’s path.

  Crash.

  Hank laid on the ground. Little stars spun in circles before his eyes.

  “Oh, Hank, are you okay?” Jessica leaned over him. She looked like she was about to cry. “Get up out of the street, fast.” She pulled on his hand.

  Hank stood up and rubbed his left arm. It was bruised. But besides that, he felt fine. “That giant box fell in my way.”

  “I know. I saw what happened. You couldn’t help it.” Jessica brushed at Hank’s shirt. “Are you hurt?”

  Hank shook his head. He looked at Jessica’s anxious face. Then he looked at the box again. “Do you think you could walk both our bikes home?”

  “If you feel that bad, sure,” said Jessica. “We’ve only got a block to go.”

  “I don’t feel bad. I’ve got an idea.” Hank dragged the box along the sidewalk while Jessica walked both bikes behind him. He went straight to the garage. “Let’s let Mom know we’re back, in case she worried.”

  They opened the house door.

  Jessica stuck her head inside. “Hi, Mom, we’re home.”

  “We almost drowned at sea,” Hank called past her shoulder.

  “That’s nice, honey,” called Mom from her study.

  Hank and Jessica looked at each other and smiled.

  Hank shut the door and led the way into the garage. “Give me your sheet.”

  Jessica looked at Hank wide-eyed. Then she ripped open her backpack and handed Hank the sheet.

  Hank laid the box on its side. “See how it’s shaped sort of like a boat? Help me.”

  Together they spread the sheet over the box.

  “Our own schooner,” said Jessica proudly.

  “Now all we have to do is cut the other side out of the box, so our bikes can go under it.”

  “And we need two holes in the top, so the top halves of our bodies can stick out,” said Jessica.

  “And holes for our hands, to steer the bikes,” said Hank.

  They worked side by side, Jessica drawing where the cuts should go, and Hank working with the scissors. They put the box over the bikes and put the sheet over everything. Then they crawled underneath and came up through the two holes, sitting on the bike seats.

  “Ready?” said Hank. “One two three.”

  They pedaled.

  Jessica wobbled to one side. “I’m not strong enough to pedal with all this extra weight.”

  “Hmm. Well, I guess we can just straddle our bikes and walk them.”

  They walked out to the sidewalk.

  “This is easy,” said Jessica. “We’re pirates.”

  “It still doesn’t look like a schooner,” said Hank. “We need a mast.”

  “Pirate schooners had two masts,” said Jessica.

  Hank thought about that. He grinned. “Wait.” He put down his kickstand. Then he climbed out from under the boat and ran into the garage. A few minutes later he came back with two push brooms and a wrench. “Here, unscrew these broom poles.”

  Jessica unscrewed the poles from the broom bottoms.

  Hank used the wrench to take the seat off his bike. Then he took the seat off Jessica’s bike. He smiled at her and jammed a broom pole into the tube that his bike seat came out of.

  “Oh, you’re so smart.” Jessica jammed the other broom pole into the tube for her bike seat.

  “Now we need sails,” said Hank.

  “Pillowcases would do great,” said Jessica.

  “And we need to look right,” said Hank. “You’ve got a bandanna and a patch, but I don’t have anything.”

  “I can make you a scarf out of my old pajamas,” said Jessica. “And we can put on white shirts. Pirates liked white shirts.”

  Hank didn’t know what he thought of tying Jessica’s old pajamas around his head, but that wasn’t the most pressing problem right now. “We need a black flag with a skull and crossbones.”

  “The costume store in town has everything,” said Jessica. “Let’s go shopping.” She put down her kickstand and crawled out from under the boat.

  Hank looked admiringly at the two masts. Then he frowned. “Who’s supposed to pay for a flag?”

  “We’ve got doubloons,” said Jessica.

  “Not ‘we,’ ” Hank said, “me.”

  “What good’s money if you don’t know how to spend it?” said Jessica.

  Hank put his hand in his pocket and made a fist around the coins. It had been fun having these jangling around the past few days. And it had been extra fun knowing how much Jessica wished she’d gotten them in her cereal, too. But dressing the bikes up like a pirate ship was even more fun. “All right.”

  Angel Talk

  That was the most irresponsible thing I ever saw a little angel do,” said the Archangel of Fairness. “How could you!”

  The little angel folded her hands together tight. “What are you talking about?”

&n
bsp; “You pushed that box in front of Hank’s bike, didn’t you?”

  “Yes,” said the little angel.

  “What were you thinking of? Hank could have been truly hurt.”

  “But he wasn’t,” said the little angel. “He even said he didn’t feel bad.”

  “That’s not the point. What if he had hit his head hard on the pavement? What if a car had come along when he was lying there?”

  “Oh,” said the Little Angel of Fairness. “Oh, no. You’re right.” Her face crumpled, and a tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m so sorry. The box was just lying there and it seemed like such a perfect boat. And I was so frustrated with Hank because nothing seemed to work with him. So I pushed the box without really thinking the whole thing through. I’m sorry.”

  “Promise me you’ll think things through from now on.”

  “I promise,” said the little angel, swallowing her sobs.

  “Well, all right, then.” The archangel sat down and pulled the little angel onto her lap. “Don’t cry. You’ve got Hank completely involved in playing pirates now. So at least something good came of it.”

  The little angel sniffed and wiped her cheeks. “But the most important problem hasn’t been solved yet.”

  “You’ve got time,” said the archangel. “You’ll do it. I have faith in you.”

  The Costume Store

  The three-cornered hat sat on the shelf. Hank stared at it.

  Jessica came up behind him. “That would make you look like a pirate captain for real. You’d better buy it.”

  Hank picked up the hat and looked at the price tag. “Everything in this costume store costs too much.”

  Jessica stroked the stuffed parrot on her shoulder. “We’ve got four doubloons. We can afford it.”

  “How do you know? The price is in dollars, not doubloons.”

  “I just know,” said Jessica. “And look.” She pointed at a big white shirt at the front of a rack. “You should wear that.”