Bad Wife

by Sarah Michelle Lynch

  But as for the third round of IVF that she had carried out without me even knowing, I threatened to go to the authorities about that and have Gillan struck off. She said Susan had been so insistent and had even paid her off to keep quiet. Gillan has a reputation to uphold and Susan threatened to ruin it if she didn’t comply. I was thrilled, of course, that my wife and our fertility doctor thought so little of me that they didn’t ask permission to use my sperm without my knowledge. I guess I already gave it up, didn’t I? And I can only be thankful that there’s none left now and she can’t get pregnant and bring a child into this chaos.

  I’ve held onto her secrets for two months almost without telling her that I know, but I’ve asked subtle questions about the price of train fares, about whether she’s going to reinstate her memberships now we’re not trying for a baby anymore. Her response has always been, “Oh, let me worry about all that. I’ll take care of it.”

  I’m no better, though. Her deceptions, lies and betrayals have forced me to take steps of my own and I’ve ramped up the money I siphon off from my own PayPal account, transferring it into my secret money stash. I recently changed all my passwords and threw away the little book I used to keep them in. Now I keep my passwords locked tight on my laptop and she doesn’t know the password to get into that or my Mac, either. She mentioned it recently and I said I’d give her the password if she ever really needed to use one of my computers – as long as she tells me what for. She backed down again.

  She must know that I know, hence we haven’t been having sex.

  The thrill of lying, manipulating and cheating… maybe she gets off on it… or maybe she just doesn’t know any other way of being.

  I also had the silver ballerinas valued independently and discovered they’re worth £10,000 each. I quietly removed them from the house and took them over to Theo one Sunday when he was over clearing out the house. I told him how much they were worth and to spend the money on something wonderful. He sold them and the money paid for this wedding, just as Allegra would have wanted. Susan knows nothing about any of this as I never mentioned I’d removed the silver ballerinas from the store cupboard – nor that I’d had them valued, either.

  All I know is that my wife isn’t to be trusted and she didn’t deserve the generosity Theo had bestowed on her, even when he was sad, grief-stricken and desperate – and the fact he’d given them to her proved to me just how deep her deception runs and how much she must hate herself and her life to continue like this.

  Slowly, and sadly, I’ve allowed the truth to sink in and I don’t think I can get over it.

  There’s just too much to get past.

  She could take money from me if she wanted, take a few liberties and treat herself behind my back now and again, she could even lie about her age to everyone we know if she wanted and I wouldn’t care. Strangely, I even realised I’d have been willing to take her father’s money if it meant we could finally have a child, especially after everything we’ve been through.

  But using cells from my body without my knowledge…

  And I know, I know I came in that cup knowing what I was giving up, I knew I would potentially end up a father as a result… but I didn’t know it would always come with this hidden cost… this uncertainty. Never knowing where I stand with her. Never knowing if it’s me she loves or the potential I pose that she wants – the sperm I have to spare that might enable her to finally achieve motherhood, something she seems to crave even more than all those pretty things she keeps hidden away in her lock-up. Because she never really needed me for any of this to happen. She didn’t even want me to share in the last round of IVF which she did in secret. She didn’t want me to be there for the possible conception of our child and that made me feel so useless, pointless and unnecessary… just an accessory to her own will. Dr Gillan even left that treatment facility to go and work abroad just recently. I saw it on their website when I was staring with futile hatred at her profile picture. A little line in itals had been added beneath her bio: Dr Gillan has since moved onto pastures new but leaves a huge legacy behind.

  Back to the present. She just asked if she’s still got me, and I reply, “Of course, you’re my world.”

  “Yeah, but…” She toes the floor, folds her arms and holds in a sob for a moment, then blurts, “You know, don’t you? You know everything.”

  I watch her crumple. The secrets are out. Every one of them? I don’t know. I’m guessing most of them, though.

  The one possibility I don’t even want to contemplate is that she’s capable of being unfaithful. I could handle just about everything else, but not that. I’m not happy about the IVF thing or any of that, but if she cheated? That would be it. It would be, for me, the biggest reason to end all this. I couldn’t have given her more so if she was unfaithful, that would tell me that it doesn’t matter what I say or do, she will always do as she pleases. Her behaviour is something I can do nothing about. She’s responsible for herself at the end of the day. None of this is on me. I stood by her when many wouldn’t… In fact, few would have. Our whole marriage might have been one big lie for all I know, but for now, I just want to believe that it wasn’t and that if there’s any shred of saving grace, I’ll take it.

  “I know everything,” I murmur, and she turns and puts her head in her hands, hiding her face as she cries.

  “How can we go on? How can you love me knowing I’ve lied… I took his money.”

  “You did. You took his money even when I said no. You’ve lied about so many things, Susan. But the worst thing is that you did the third round without me. You didn’t need me. You just needed my semen. That was all. You don’t need me. You always get what you want regardless of me. This is who you are. Even your father said it. He admitted he spoilt you. And here you are tonight, behaving like a baby because you can’t buy friends… you can’t swap out one of those and fit yourself in their place. It doesn’t work like that. Maybe Lily doesn’t see those three all the time but they share history. And when you get married, it’s not a bad thing to reflect on where you came from and where you’re going. That’s what it is all about… a rite of passage that everyone shares in, not some pissing contest between you and Lily’s schoolfriends. If you knew Lily even half as well as I do, you’d realise she’s not vindictive or callous or any of that. Look, she even asked her sister to be her maid of honour because deep down, she wants to do the right thing. She wanted everyone here. If she was a cow she could’ve not invited you, but the truth is, weddings are busy things and the spotlight isn’t meant to be on the guests, it’s meant to be on the bride and groom, and the rest doesn’t matter. I don’t matter, the bridesmaids don’t, all that matters is that they’re happy and nothing else does.”

  She gulps and looks up at me. “Are we happy, Adam? Huh? Can you ever be happy with me when you know full well I can never give you a child?”

  “I was happy.” A tear drips from my eye. “I was. I didn’t need anything else. I hadn’t even thought about kids before you suggested it. It’s not that important to me, Susan. If we had a child of course I’d love it, but if we didn’t, I would never know any different and we could’ve been one of those couples who are everything to one another and never need anything else.”

  “Could we?” She swallows hard and stares at me, desperate.

  “I just don’t know, Susan. The lies… where do they stop?”

  “I want to stop. I do. I want to stop. Please, just help me. Please?”

  Chapter Fifteen

  I find Theo and Lily still dancing in the courtyard. Theo smiles when he sees me and Lily breaks away from his arms immediately, hugging me instead. She kisses my cheek and tells me, “I love you so much.”

  I pull away. “I hope you haven’t been drinking, Lil.”

  She laughs but then smiles sadly. “I can see things aren’t good between you.”

  “No,” I admit, without giving details, “but we’re going to try and work on it.”

  She nods but doesn�
�t say anything else.

  Theo is standing there, the happiest man alive, and yet he seems sad.

  “What is it, you guys?”

  Lily shakes her head and starts rambling, “Oh, well, we’re actually here because this is where I realised I was in love with Theo.” She giggles and Theo takes hold of his wife’s waist, nuzzling into her hair.

  “Really?” I ask.

  “Yeah. It was after Paul, and Theo dragged me out of the house, bought me hot chocolate and we sat here. I was crying a lot and he gave me the pep talk of my life. And suddenly I looked at him differently. He was looking really good that day. And I think I just knew what I’d known all along. It was just… a really bad day became a really good day and I realised, all the days with him have been great. And the rest… history.”

  “That’s sweet, guys.”

  My face changes and Lily notices.

  “What?” she asks.

  “I shouldn’t say.”

  “No, come on,” she demands.

  “Paul sent a letter.”

  Theo stiffens and Lily touches her mouth to her lips.

  “He told me to give it to you if I thought you might appreciate it, but I tore it up.”

  “What did it say?” Theo demands, his forehead furrowed.

  “It said…” I pull my trousers up and stand with my hands on hips, looking at the floor. “He wishes you happiness, you deserve it. He said the best man won and he’s working on his issues. It said all good things.”

  “So, why did you tear it up?” Lily asks, and I fear for a moment I did the wrong thing.

  “Because he’s not your future, Lily. He can’t be, can he? And I’m Theo’s best man. I did what I thought was right. Paul will understand. He wants you to be happy, I really believe that. I don’t think he’ll come back, you know. I have this feeling. It just felt in the letter that he was saying goodbye. And I didn’t want you upset today. I really didn’t.”

  Lily’s head rocks back and forth as she absorbs the revelation. “I thought love equalled pain. I believed that for so long, Adam. I really did. But it doesn’t. Love isn’t pain. Love is partners checking in with each other, always having each other’s backs, always being the best of friends, even when we don’t agree… we get through it, eventually.”

  She takes my hands and I think I know what she’s going to say.

  “Adam, we love you so much. We will always be here for you. You are our very best friend in the world and if I could’ve had you as matron of honour as well as best man, you bet I fucking would have.”

  We all throw our heads back laughing and she grins so much, her teeth glint against the encroaching starry night.

  Her face falls and she looks at Theo, needing some kind of approval. He says gently, “Tell him.”

  Lily takes a deep breath and pulls her phone out of her little bridal bag. She scrolls to where she needs to be and holds it out for me to hold.

  “These are what she’s been sending me lately.”

  I read message after message in which she accuses Lily of lying, backstabbing, being a dishonest friend. The day Susan found out who Lily’s bridesmaids were going to be, over a month ago now, she sent Lily a message saying: I can’t believe you, you fucking bitch.

  “I haven’t done anything but if she wasn’t your wife, I would’ve taken these to the police. As it stands, I managed to block her and the messages stopped a week ago. It was getting too much. I was getting messages in the night. Sometimes two or three at once.”

  Theo’s eyes are dark and he tells me without saying a thing that he would’ve stepped in but Lily asked him not to… to protect me.

  “If this was a real case I was dealing with, there would be my professional opinion and then the opinions of two or three others to back me up too, ruling out any room for error. Still, I think I can safely say to you in confidence that I think she has a narcissistic personality disorder. She needs real help, Adam.”

  “You wouldn’t believe some of the things I found out recently. You wouldn’t.”

  “Tell us,” she urges.

  “I can’t,” I mutter, “not today. You don’t deserve it.”

  “Fuck this day,” she rails. “Besides, I get what I want because I’m the bride, and I want you to tell me all your troubles and we’ll get through them together, okay?”

  We sit on the bench behind Theo and they hold hands as I tell them about the IVF money, the lock-up, the bank accounts… everything. How I feel like I’ve been played, used… abused. They stare at me and Lily weeps open-mouthed at the level of outstanding deception my wife pulled off.

  “That’s not love,” Lily says, “that’s just a game she’s playing. You saw her today. It has to be all about her. We’ve seen how intuitive, how clever she is… she’s clever, Adam. That’s the thing. And I think she knows exactly what she’s doing. She can’t help herself. This thing she has, it’s high-functioning. She picked you on purpose not because you’re naïve or gullible but because you’d forgive her.”

  “But can I keep forgiving her? Am I being hard on her? She had a hard life. Things happened to her.”

  Lily shakes her head. “Nobody can make that decision, only you. You might not forgive yourself if you give up on her, but will you regret it more if you give up on yourself?”

  I gulp because she’s so right.

  “And what about what she said to Chloe?” Even to think of it, I’m still horrified.

  “I only found out recently. Chloe didn’t go spreading it about. She feels terrible for you being married to someone like that.”

  I shake my head. Chloe… who does, says, acts and lives how ever the hell she wants, yet even she sees how bad this is. And I’m trapped inside it. I can’t see or think straight because of it.

  “You should have seen her things, Lily. Just sat there on shelves. Things. Pretty ornaments. Things she had to have. She couldn’t let go of them. What if I’m one of those things and she can’t let go of me but she doesn’t really love me either?”

  “Adam,” Theo says in a gravelly voice, “she made you think you were infertile. Nobody sane or loving or human does that. She needs help. And it sometimes doesn’t matter how much you love someone, once a line is crossed, you can’t ever get back to the side you were on before. It doesn’t even matter how much you love her. You know there’s a high chance she will do this again and keep doing it. She’s done it before, she’ll do it again.”

  “What—what? When, before? Who? Before…?” My heart starts racing because I recognise something in his voice, telling me there’s more I don’t know.

  “Her ex-boyfriend Markos,” Lily sighs. “Chloe found him on Facebook last week and met him. He told her they’d been through IVF and she hadn’t been able to stop. She wanted to keep trying and trying and trying, even though it was never going to work. She borrowed money until they were evicted. He’s ten years older than her and had worked his way up in her father’s business but ended up evicted because of her spending habits. He lost everything. And the worst thing? He never found out he was fertile until he had an affair.”

  Pair a psycho with this terrible disease she carries and this is what you get… Susan, going out into the world, using men for their sperm and nothing more. Ruining lives and shitting on hearts, I hate her. I do. I hate her now.

  “You can’t blame yourself.” Theo reaches over and rests his hand on my shoulder. “She’s incredibly skilled. She sees people. She reads them instantly. She has this ability to make you believe she’s a high thinker or something, and then, she does this. I know it must hurt, I know that, mate. I watched my wife go through this same thing with Paul and the fact I’m having to watch my best mate go through this too hurts too much. It cuts me. All I know is that you are going to be okay. You were always okay. You were the only one of us who was always good and balanced and kind. You can be you and continue, or you can be you and leave her. Either way, you’re still gonna be you and nobody, nobody on earth, is going to judge you. I p
romise. And if they do, send them to me. Okay?”

  I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath. “I better go and find her.”

  “Okay,” Lily whispers, and I kiss her cheek, then Theo’s. “Still gonna be godfather to bubs?”

  “Try stopping me.” I grin, walk away and shout over my shoulder, “Just enjoy your honeymoon, guys. I got this.”

  I get back into the room but she’s nowhere to be found. I find only a piece of paper with the Marriott letterhead.

  I know when I’m beaten.

  That’s all she says.

  And that’s all I need for me to realise what was staring me in the face all along.

  What she saw today was a group of friends who aren’t perfect, either singularly or even together. We all have our issues.

  But bring us up against something like this and we smack that rotten egg out of the park.

  I sit on the edge of the bed and cry for a little while.

  Then I walk to the window, watch as everyone gathers around to wish the happy couple a fond farewell, their limo sneaking off into the night.

  Then I see Tom, standing there alone, staring after the car.

  I think it’s time I started to get me back. I shake off all the nonsense of the past few years and take a deep breath. It’s time to find Tom, have a few drinks and just be chilled again.

  This is me. This is who I am.

  It was nice to have a reckless adventure for a while, but that’s not love. That’s not the basis of a lifelong romance.

  No.

  Lily and Theo, though.

  They’re incredibly lucky and I can’t be envious. I should be, I really should, but at the end of the day, how can you ever envy something that was always meant to be?

  Maybe what’s meant to be for me is coming. So, I’ll do as I’ve always done and be me.

  It’ll come.