I Was a Teenage Weredeer

by C. T. Phipps

  “Right,” Alex said. “Your text to me said you were hoofing it here. You also added that you were going to lick Lucien’s organization and any injuries you’d suffer would just be grazes.”

  “That was an accident!” I said, horrified at what I texted when not paying attention. “I have no idea how that happened.”

  “Deer puns?” Lucien said. “I’m not a fawn of them.”

  “Your sister and companion are down in the back lot,” Alex said, thankfully getting us away from our present topic. “Sheriff O’Henry is down there as well. If you don’t mind, Lucien, and even if you do, I’ll be escorting Ms. Doe down there.”

  “She broke in,” Deana said. “Assaulted me.”

  “And he’s a criminal!” I snapped, pointing at the closet behind me. “Look at all the…”

  I trailed off as I noticed that the closet appeared empty. All of the shelves looked like they contained nothing, let alone a bunch of magic and drugs.

  Lucien smiled.

  How the hell had he pulled that off? Was it an illusion? “Dammit.”

  “We’ll be going now,” Alex said.

  “The Lodge is the real danger here,” Lucien said, staring at him. “You know it and I know it.”

  Alex didn’t answer but let go of Deana’s arm.

  I stared at him. “I’m not coming with you until I get this resolved.”

  “Now can I waterboard her?” Deana asked.

  “I’ve told you all I know,” Lucien said, his voice soft. “Now leave.”

  I glared at him and debated going after Deana before I realized I had probably gotten everything I was going to get out of this trip. I didn’t like Lucien. He’d turned my brother into a drug dealer and was neck-deep in all of this. Still, I had to admit he’d been remarkably cooperative to an amateur detective who’d broken several laws in the process of trying to prove he was a murderer.

  “All right,” I said, walking to Alex. I wondered how much trouble I was in for all of this.

  Probably a lot. I didn’t care, though. I was going to solve this.

  As I walked past Lucien, he said, “By the way, your sister is fired.”

  Dammit.

  “I had him,” I muttered, looking at Alex. “It may not have looked like it, but I had—”

  “I agree,” Alex interrupted. “You did an excellent job infiltrating his sanctum and I appreciate that you called me in for backup.”

  “Wait, what?” I said, confused.

  “May I ask what you found out?” Alex said, sounding completely non-ironic.

  Blinking, I gave him a short rundown. “He thinks Victoria made herself into a werewolf with the gods of the forest and now they’re coming after her. He was her mentor as a mage and she passed on what she learned to her drug-dealing friends, which included my brother.”

  “Interesting,” Alex said, frowning. “And the sacrificial dagger?”

  Wait, he knew about that? “He had one, but it wasn’t used in the murders or any other murders I can guess. How much do you know, actually?”

  “More than most, less than some,” Alex said, reaching the elevator with me. “My original theory was that Victoria was a Judas Goat for Marcus O’Henry. A tool for him to break the curse on his bloodline as well as properties. I don’t know if I believe a Manitou was involved, but the possibility of it possessing someone and being behind the murders is entirely possible, especially if it was summoned in a ritual gone wrong.”

  I stared forward. “You are really not what I expected from an FBI agent.”

  “Thank you,” Alex said, smiling.

  “Uh, is my brother in trouble for drug dealing?” I asked, worried.

  “Hopefully not,” Alex said, putting a comforting arm on my shoulder. It made me want to lean up and kiss him. “I’m here to solve a murder, not investigate vice. Your brother may be in danger, though, if he really has been involved in demonology.”

  I thought about that. “Yeah, no kidding. I need to go back to the sheriff’s office and beat some answers out of him.”

  “Don’t you mean bleat some answers out of him?”

  I glared then used the keycard to summon the elevator. “Not funny. Deer puns are a sensitive subject with me.”

  “My apologies,” Alex said.

  “So, if it’s not too much of an imposition, may I ask what the deal between you and Lucien is?”

  “I think you already know.”

  “He’s really your foster brother?” I asked.

  The elevator opened up and the two of us stepped inside as I swiped the card to take us downstairs.

  “Yes,” Alex said. “The Drake family—”

  “Seriously?” I said, wondering why they’d take the Latin name for dragons. You know, ignoring all hypocrisy on my part. “Is it just a shifter thing?”

  Alex shrugged. “I didn’t name them. They were, however, the most second powerful clan of shifters in North America. Lucien’s cousins still control Florida’s shifters in defiance of the werewolves’ control in the continent.”

  “But Marcus O’Henry killed all the ones in this town?” I asked, wondering how Marcus had killed all of the dragons in town without anyone noticing.

  Then I realized there was only one time he could have done it. A week when every single shifter was hiding in their homes or the woods, terrified of a massive purge of their families by the government. It had been a period when there’d been riots across the country and plenty of old scores settled as the old order among supernaturals collapsed. Dad had taken me, Jeanine, and Jeremy to Grandpa Jacob’s cabin while Mom had tried to prepare all the other shifters for the change in our society.

  “Yes,” Alex said, seeing my reaction. “A purge occurred during the Reveal. My mother, also an FBI agent, was called to investigate the murders, but discovered Lucien hiding in the woods by himself. A scared fourteen year old who had witnessed the slaughter of his family by human mercenaries armed with silver ammunition.”

  “Then why isn’t he in jail?” I asked.

  “The US government pardoned him and other leaders of the supernatural community as part of the bailout following the 2008 financial collapse,” Alex said, disgusted. “In the end, after a car meant to drive Lucien to the airport was blown up, my mother took him into our home. He stayed with us until I went to join the FBI myself and he decided he wanted to get revenge.”

  I looked at him. “Wait, he’s a crime boss because he wants to kill Marcus O’Henry?”

  “Not just Marcus,” Alex said, his voice disappointed. “He wants to take everything from the O’Henrys. I was hoping for better for him.”

  “But you don’t think he killed Victoria?” I asked the obvious question.

  “No,” Alex said. “Do you?”

  “No.”

  Neither of us said anything as the elevator moved down.

  “Now you owe me some insights,” Alex said, interrupting the silence.

  “What?”

  “Quid pro quo,” Alex said, smiling. “I’ve shared my past and now you have to share yours.”

  I frowned. “I don’t have anything interesting about me. Hell, you probably can learn everything about me just by looking at me. I’ve lived here my entire life. I attend community college. I’m really not that interesting. I mean, unless you’re a weirdo who finds weredeer inherently exotic, in which case I consider you really culturally insensitive.”

  Alex chuckled. “Jane, you were asked to investigate the death of your worst enemy. You not only have done so, you forced the medical examiner to confess his involvement with the victim and then ran to interrogate a known drug dealer. You are many things, interesting being at the top of the list.”

  I blushed, flattered by his attention. “I dunno. It’s not like…”

  “You don’t have to tell me anything, Jane.” Alex turned away.

  I closed my eyes. “It’ll sound stupid.”

  “I doubt that.”

  I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to be inc
onsequential. I don’t want to be who I am. I want to be someone who matters. That requires being more than just a person who eats leaves three days a month.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “You don’t understand,” I said, not expecting him to. “I grew up in a house where everything was judged before me. I was supposed to be a shaman like my mother. My grandfather was going to set me up with a weredeer husband to be a housewife. It was all stifling and I had plans to run away from it all.”

  “Still plan to?” Alex asked.

  I lowered my gaze. “No. I don’t. The Reveal occurred and now everyone knows shifters exist. That changed everything. I can’t go anywhere. I can be shot in any state but Michigan and Vermont. I’m going to have to list the fact I’m a weredeer on any employment form and I’ll be treated like I’m diseased everywhere but Bright Falls. My parents dropped the idea of forcing me into keeping the old traditions alive when Grandpa Jacob died, but now I’m more boxed in than before.”

  “So you’ve jumped into solving a murder,” Alex said. “Regardless of the danger.”

  “Yeah, it felt…exciting,” I said, ashamed of myself. “More important than anything else I’ve done. Did you know, last year, I asked my mom to test me to be a shaman? Something I never thought in my wildest dreams. I’d ask to do, but at least it was something.”

  “What happened?”

  “I don’t have any talent with magic,” I said, closing my eyes. “I can read objects and see the future, but it turns out everything else is beyond me. I don’t have any talent for spirit talking. I should but…I don’t. I’m more like my dad than my mom in that.”

  “Not the best motive to fight crime.”

  I grimaced. “Yeah, please don’t tell Emma. I should be doing this for Victoria’s sake. But, at most, I’m doing it for Emma’s sake.”

  I had another secret. A terrible thing I did as a child, but I was over it. I’d made my peace with my actions. Honest. That really wasn’t any of Agent Timmons’s business, anyway.

  Alex nodded. “I won’t tell Emma you want to be normal but in an exceptional way because being exceptional in a magical way bores you.”

  “You make it sound silly,” I said.

  “Speaking as the shaman FBI agent,” Alex paused. “It really is.”

  I rolled my eyes before hiding a smile. He really was entertaining. “Why do you want to know all this personal information, anyway?”

  “I want to deputize you.”

  I blinked and turned to him. “What?”

  The elevator door pinged and opened. A rush of hot air poured out and I was momentarily blinded by the crackle of flames.

  Alex looked outside. “We should probably discuss this when we’re not in Hell.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “Wait, hell, as in Hell-Hell?” I said, falling into the back of the elevator.

  The sight that greeted me on the other side of the elevator certainly looked like Hell, though. It was the interior of the Lyon’s Den, except everything was on fire while terrible flaming dogs were scattered through the room, all looking at me like I was their next meal. The heat was intense and the smell was utterly foul. Thankfully, there was no sign of the customers as I didn’t think I could stand the whole ‘tortured for all eternity’ thing without trying to help them.

  “No. Not really, but close enough,” Alex said, reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a handful of white powder he blew in front of him. It formed into a circle with a lot of strange marks on it as well as a Seal of Solomon. “There, that should buy us some time.”

  “Why am I here?” I asked, trying to figure out what the hell (literally!) was going on. “Breaking and entering can’t be a damnation worthy offense! I don’t even believe in eternal damnation.”

  “It’s a reality wrinkle,” Alex said, his voice quivering only just a bit. It was really impressive since I was terrified out of my mind.

  “Assume I’m really awful at being a shaman and explain that in dumbass,” I said, actually kind of jealous of Alex’s displayed powers. I’d seen my mom do some equivalent things but this was one of the few times I’d seen someone actually use big, epic magic. Most of the time it worked in the form of coincidences.

  This was not that kind of magic.

  “You’re not even close to being a dumbass, Jane. But in laymen’s terms it means someone has pressed a section of the Spirit World in on this section of the material plane and we’ve wandered into it,” Alex said, taking a deep breath. “This is some pretty impressive magic.”

  “You think?” I snapped. I was already starting to sweat and my makeup was starting to run. I was actually glad I wasn’t wearing much in that moment, since Agent Timmons was sweating heavily as well. It had to be scorching under that trench coat and suit.

  “It’s also a sign the Lodge is being harnessed,” Alex said, blinking. “The killer or one of their associates would need a holy spot where the veil between the worlds was weak to make this kind of summoning.”

  “Who cares!” I shouted, raising my hands in front of me. “Just get us out of here!”

  Alex grimaced. “I actually have no idea how to do that.”

  “What?!”

  “It’s not my area of expertise!” Alex said, finally showing a fearful look. “I’m more into knowledge and defense than altering reality.”

  “Screw being a Jedi!” I said, closing my eyes and wishing to any god who was listening for a way out.

  Much to my surprise, I heard a ripping wound and looked over to the stage where I saw an actual crack in reality about six feet in height. On the other side of the rift, I saw Lucien Lyons and Sheriff Clara. Beyond them, I saw Emma and Jeanine too. All of them looked terrified looking through the portal.

  “It appears our prayers have been answered,” Alex said, reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a standard-issue Glock 23 (I learned that from the internet). It, too, had a number of symbols on the side that I believed to be Hebrew. I imagined it said, “This Machine Kills Demons.” He then unexpectedly handed it to me.

  “Uh,” I said, taking the gun. “Alex, what are you doing?”

  “Do you how to use this?” Alex asked.

  “I’m a country girl from Michigan, so yes,” I said, blinking. “I’m more used to using a rifle than a pistol, though. Dad often took us out hunting to scare off deer poachers.”

  Wow, those trips were fun. We only used rock salt, though.

  Alex looked like he was going to comment on that then shook his head. “I’m going to lower the barrier I’ve put up and try to keep us surrounded in a spell to hold off the demons and flames. Some covering fire would be very helpful.”

  I suddenly regretted my desire for a more interesting life. “I’ve got your back, Alex. I’m your deputy…which sounds really weird and kind of sexualized. Please ignore that last part.”

  Alex grinned then raised his hands and started chanting something I briefly thought to be the language of magic before recognizing it as Quenya from The Lord of the Rings. Deer Christ on a pogo stick, this guy might actually be a bigger geek than Jeremy. His hands started to glow a blue light that surrounded us both in a nimbus. It felt like a distilled concentration of love and peace. Not a good feeling for shooting.

  “Don’t let the flames touch you,” Alex said, his voice low. “They’ll do worse than burn you.”

  “Right,” I said, not sure how to respond to that.

  The two of us then passed through the Seal of Solomon and I was almost immediately buffeted by a terrible wind that came from the walls rather than the rift. I heard the sound of Victoria’s taunts echoing through the air along with my mother’s frustrations about my inability to do even the slightest spell.

  “You’re not special because you’re a deer. You’re just a weirdo hipster.”

  “You have the Gift and a chance to build on it, Jane. I don’t know why you can’t do this.”

  I heard the sound of my cousin Jenny screaming as she was pulled down
into Lake Darkwater. “Help! Help, Jane!”

  “No,” I muttered, taking a deep breath. “They don’t get to bring up that. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t.”

  That was when I saw one of the hellhounds leap for my throat and I ended up shooting it in the throat, sending it spiraling back into the flames where it detonated.

  “Do not mess with me,” I snapped without bravado. “Deer actually eat meat, you know! We’re not herbivores! We’re omnivores.”

  I aimed throughout the club, shooting hellhound after hellhound. I didn’t always get them, but even the wounds seemed to cause the others to back off. It made me feel stronger and tougher even as I just wanted to get out of here.

  We were about halfway through the nightclub when Alex stopped and once more repeated the earlier spell, looking exhausted. His elvish was garbled and he didn’t finish before falling to one knee.

  “Alex, you okay?” I said, wondering just how many bullets I had left.

  “No,” Alex said, struggling to get up. “I am most certainly not.”

  The sounds of my cousin’s laughter filled the air as water started dripping down the sides of the nightclub, causing steam to rise. I heard the sounds of my cousin screaming for help even as I couldn’t help but remember being frozen in place, unable to move.

  “I’m going in,” Lucien shouted from the crack.

  “No!” Clara said. “Stay where you are!”

  That was when I saw the image of a faceless man in a trench coat and dressed in an FBI uniform similar to Alex’s standing in the middle of the nightclub. I heard the sound of a boy screaming and felt waves of nausea as well as shame.

  “Alex, who is that?” I asked.

  “Don’t look at him,” Alex said. “It’s just an image of my father. Drawn from my worst fears.”

  The figure started advancing.

  “I looked at him, Alex,” I said. “How bad is that?”

  “Bad!”

  A second faceless demon appeared, this time resembling a ten-year-old little girl in a black one-piece bathing suit. Her black hair and pigtail showed her not to be my poor drowned cousin, though, but me.