by Nicole Trope
‘Who am I going to call?’ He smirks. ‘Ghostbusters?’
Megan starts laughing but then stops when she sees the look on his face. ‘That’s a very old movie. When did you see it?’
‘With him, just like I did everything else. With him.’
With him, with him, with him. You should have been with me.
Twelve
Daniel looks overwhelmed as they enter the shopping centre. His head swings from the neon signs of one shop to another. A child throwing a screaming tantrum lies on the floor, and Megan sees him wince at the noise. The smell of frying food drifts up from the food court and she sees him lick his lips, even though he’s just eaten.
‘Let’s start with shoes,’ she says.
Daniel is compliant as the hours wear on. Compliant but silent. Megan finds herself unable to say no to anything he wants even though he doesn’t actually ask for anything. Rather than talking, he stares longingly at items in the shops, or strokes them gently.
‘Do you like that?’ Megan asks as he touches a handheld PlayStation console in the electronics store. ‘Do you want one?’
She is prepared for a shrug from Daniel but instead he turns to her and says, ‘More than anything in the whole world.’ The words come slowly, dredged up from deep inside himself as though painful to utter, and afterwards Megan sees his eyes dart sideways, guiltily roaming around the store for watchful judgement from the other customers. He had clearly been taught not to ask for things, not to want them. Perhaps because he and Greg had so little money, so little to survive on.
‘Do you understand in your tiny little mind what it takes for me to earn enough money for you to sit on your arse all day?’ Greg had berated her when she’d told him she needed more money to cover their household expenses.
‘I think the most important thing you can do is stay home and look after our son. Let me worry about the money,’ he had said the very next week. Megan had lived in a permanent state of unease and confusion.
He holds the bag with the PlayStation in his hands, occasionally peeking inside when she stops to pick up items of clothing she thinks will fit him in a big department store.
‘Right, let’s go in here,’ she says, directing him to the change rooms. She slides a curtain open and steps inside a cubicle, hanging everything on a silver hook. She turns to find him looking at her. It takes her a moment to realise that he wants her to leave him alone in there.
‘I’m sorry,’ she mutters, backing out. ‘I keep forgetting how big you are.’
‘But you can see me, can’t you?’ Daniel sneers.
‘I’m sorry.’ She sighs, shocked by his tone. She risks a quick glance at her watch – it’s only two o’clock but it feels like she and Daniel have been shopping for a week. He’s not enjoying this either. His world has been turned upside down and he’s just lost his father. ‘Take your time,’ she calls, injecting cheer into her voice. However strange this is for her, it must be doubly so for him. He’s barely old enough to process all of this.
She sinks into a chair outside the change room and slips two headache pills into her mouth. A mother with a toddler throws her a glance of sympathy and she allows herself a wry smile. If only you knew the truth, she thinks.
Daniel emerges from the change room in a pair of pants and a top, and she stands up and reaches out to him, slipping her fingers between the waistband of the pants and his skin. He recoils as though burned as she touches him.
‘Sorry, I’m sorry,’ she says, lifting her hands up as though he’s pointing a gun at her. ‘They look fine, do they feel all right?’ she asks.
‘They’re fine,’ he says.
While she waits for him to change outfits, she remembers that at six years old Daniel spent more time draped over her or holding her hand or hugging her than anything else. He didn’t even baulk at sitting on her lap despite being too big for it. She realises that such a physically close relationship must fade as a child grows, but she has missed the slow raising of boundaries that she is sure happens in every family. Instead she has lost an affectionate little boy and found a skittish, rigid adolescent in his place. Swallowing down another gulp of water, Megan hates Greg with a new fierceness. She hopes he is in hell where he belongs. She shakes her head, instantly guilty at the thought. Her ex-husband had been burned to death. Daniel has just lost his father, and even though he is showing very little emotion, Megan knows that his strange behaviour is probably his way of protecting himself from feeling his grief. She admonishes herself to be patient.
By the time they collect Evie and return home, Megan is on the verge of tears.
‘Do you want something to eat?’ she asks Daniel because she knows that despite lunch and the snacks he’s had throughout the day, this is the one thing he will say yes to.
Megan flicks on the television, needing something mindless to watch for a few minutes; the news channel is on.
‘… a number of house fires in the region including in the towns of Heddon Greta, Kotara and Cardiff. Police suspect a serial arsonist,’ she hears and she immediately presses the button on the remote, her heart racing.
‘He likes fires,’ Daniel mutters.
‘Pardon?’ says Megan.
Daniel looks at her. ‘I didn’t say anything.’
‘You did, Daniel, you just said, “He likes fires.” Who likes fires? Dad? Did Dad like fires?’
‘I-didn’t-say-anything,’ Daniel replies, his jaw clenching; and then he leaves the room, leaving her bewildered.
‘You went a little nuts, Megs,’ Michael says when he checks the credit card that night.
‘I know, I know, I’m sorry, I was trying to… God, I have no idea what I was trying to do.’
‘I get it, it’s okay. You wanted to give him everything, to make up for the years he had nothing.’
Megan allows herself a dry laugh. ‘I would buy him a car if he would just speak to me.’
‘That bad?’
‘Worse than you can imagine.’
Michael shuts down the computer and goes to the kitchen, returning with a bottle of wine and two glasses. It’s after ten and Megan knows that both of them need to get to bed, but Evie had taken ages to get to sleep and Daniel had only turned off his light after nine thirty. He had been lying in bed playing his new PlayStation, and even though Megan knew it was the wrong thing to allow him to do and that she should start off with him as she meant to go on – instituting rules and boundaries – she didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop. He had been playing the PlayStation since they returned home. She had thought about showing him her blog and everything else she had collected but he hadn’t seemed interested in anything but the new device and she was exhausted from the day. ‘Tomorrow,’ she comforted herself. ‘I will show him tomorrow.’
‘Did he say anything to you about what it was like with Greg?’ Michael asks after they’ve both taken a gulp of the deep-red wine.
‘Not much. He barely says anything, although every now and again Greg’s voice comes straight out of his mouth.’
‘I imagine it would. He probably didn’t have much contact with other people over the last six years.’
‘They travelled all over the world. He showed me one picture on the phone of him and Greg in Rio. I don’t know why they weren’t caught.’
‘Fake passports are easier to obtain than you might think.’
‘He doesn’t feel like my child,’ she confesses, concentrating on staring at her wine so she can’t see the look on his face.
‘He’s very… very… he’s not how you described him.’
‘I know.’ Megan sighs, unable to stop tears from falling. ‘I don’t know who he is now. I don’t know how to speak to him. He won’t even let me touch him.’
‘That must be… just awful,’ says Michael. ‘I wish I knew how to help.’
‘I think I need help from a professional. Do you think you can ask around at work?’
‘Absolutely, Linda deals with kids all the time,’ he says,
referring to another detective at his station. ‘She’ll know who we should contact.’
Megan closes her eyes and leans her head onto the top of the soft leather couch. ‘It feels like he hasn’t come home yet; it feels like Daniel isn’t home.’
‘Oh, sweetheart, it will get better. I’m sure it will get better.’ He raises his glass and drains it. ‘I think a good night’s sleep will help. You can start again in the morning.’ He stands up and holds out his hand to her.
‘I might just sit here for a minute before coming to bed.’
‘Sure, I’ll have a quick shower, but try not to be too late. Evie might not sleep through the night and I don’t want you to be too exhausted.’
‘I’m sure she won’t.’ Megan smiles, experiencing a slight surge of hope that her daughter will wake up in the night. She feels the need for close physical contact with one of her children, and a night-time feed with Evie will bring her pleasure rather than frustration at missed sleep.
When she hears the shower turn on upstairs, she grabs her laptop and sinks back into the couch with it on her lap. She opens her Facebook page, wanting to tell Tom and Sandi how the day has gone. Since Daniel has come home, she hasn’t had the chance to talk to them beyond letting them know her news.
‘So incredibly happy for you!!!’ Sandi had responded.
‘What a wonderful thing,’ Tom had written. ‘Do you know what made him decide to send him back to you?’
‘Greg died. I can’t really get into the specifics but he died.’
‘That’s horrible. Poor kid. But at least you got him back.’
‘This is not how I wanted it to happen.’
Megan finds herself being more careful with Tom than she is with Sandi. Her relationship with Tom has become more complicated as the years have passed.
When Daniel had been gone for nearly four years and only a few months before she agreed to go on a date with Michael – Tom had told her he would be visiting Australia and he wanted to meet up.
‘How wonderful,’ Megan had typed. ‘I would so love to meet you so we could talk about this all face to face. It’s strange to think that I feel so close to you but I don’t even know what you look like.’
‘Jemima is prettier than I am (ha ha). I feel close to you too, Megan. I feel like we’ve known each other forever, and even though we met in the saddest of circumstances, I am grateful that we met.’
‘If you tell me when you’ll be here, we could get together for dinner or lunch, anything that fits in with your schedule.’
‘I have a better idea. I’ll be staying at the Winslow Hotel in Sydney. Apparently, it has nice views of the city. After I check in, I’ll let you know my room number. I’ll leave a key for you at the desk. All you need to do is come upstairs and I’ll be waiting.’
Megan had read his message and laughed. He was obviously joking. He was joking, wasn’t he? She felt close to Tom as they suffered through their heartbreak, supporting one another, but she had never really thought they would meet, let alone have any sort of romantic relationship. He lived in Far North Queensland and they were bonded only by their shared experience of having their children taken from them. It was not enough to build a relationship on. She decided to assume he was joking.
‘Ha ha, but seriously. I would really like to have lunch with you or something.’
‘I’m not joking, Megan. We’ve been talking for years and I feel like we have a really strong connection. Don’t you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you?’
Megan had read his words in shock. She had waited for thirty minutes before replying, fretting and chewing a fingernail as she composed a message that wouldn’t upset him too much.
‘I’m sorry, Tom. I didn’t think that our relationship was like that. I don’t think I’m ready for any kind of relationship at all, to be honest. I can’t see myself ever having a man in my life while my son is missing. It feels wrong. I don’t believe I will ever have a relationship like that again.’
‘I thought we had something special,’ Tom had written.
‘We did, we do,’ she had replied. ‘But I feel like I have something special with Sandi as well. It’s not an attraction, it’s a meeting of broken hearts, I guess. I don’t know if I will ever feel ready for anything more than friendship. Please, can you just be my friend?’
‘Okay, I understand,’ had been his short reply. Tom had withdrawn and stayed offline for weeks until one day she received a new message from him.
‘My trip was cancelled, so don’t worry about meeting me.’
‘I would have loved to have met you, Tom. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.’
‘Don’t worry about me. I guess I thought there was more between us than there was. I came on too strong. I’m sorry.’
‘It’s okay. You and Sandi have helped me get through these last years. I don’t know what I would have done without you.’
‘Let’s just forget it, shall we? I’m happy to have you as a friend.’
Megan had imagined that whatever had happened in Tom’s head was over, until, less than a year later, she’d told him and Sandi that she was getting married.
‘How wonderful,’ Sandi had written. ‘He’s a lucky man. I am so glad you’ve managed to move on and find some happiness. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be with anyone again when I carry my lost children with me all the time, but I am so pleased that you’ve managed to find a way.’
‘Not really move on,’ Megan had replied. ‘I could never really move on, but it’s nice to have someone in my life again.’
‘I agree, you can never really move on.’
‘Who is he?’ Tom had asked. The abruptness of the question had worried Megan but she wanted to keep Tom as a friend after everything they had been through.
‘His name is Michael and he’s actually the first detective who ever interviewed me about Daniel. He has called me once a year on the anniversary of Daniel’s disappearance and this year he asked me out to dinner.’
‘So, you’ve only been going out with him for what, like… eight months? That’s quick, isn’t it?’
‘Maybe,’ Megan had agreed, ‘but it doesn’t feel quick. It just feels right. Please don’t be angry with me, Tom. I hadn’t intended for any of this to happen but I have to admit that it feels good to have something in my life other than just my hopes that Daniel will be found. I hope that one day you find someone as well.’
‘I don’t think I will ever move on. Even though what my wife did was terrible, I don’t think I will ever be able to stop loving her. But maybe that’s the difference between men and women. I think once a man loves you, he loves you forever.’
‘Come on, Tom,’ Sandi had interjected, ‘you know we don’t do this to each other. We are parents whose children have been taken from them. We don’t argue about whose behaviour is worse. Megan deserves a little bit of happiness. You want that for her, just like I do.’
‘I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve to be happy, of course she does. I want you to be happy, Megan, I really do. I guess I’m just feeling a little lost today. I saw a little girl who was the same age Jemima was when she was taken. I couldn’t stop staring at her and I think eventually her mother got a little worried. I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, Megan. You do deserve to be happy. I shouldn’t have said anything and I won’t from now on.’
Tom had, true to his word, not talked about her getting married again, and they had easily fallen back into speaking only about their children.
But now things have changed for her and she knows how difficult that must be for Tom. First, she moved on with her life and then her son was returned to her. It must seem very unfair to him.
Daniel’s reappearance in her life is something both Tom and Sandi long for with their own children. She needs to remember how blessed she is to have her son sleeping in his bedroom right now.
Sandi has left a message asking how her first day with Daniel has gone, and while Megan wants to tell her that it
was just wonderful, she knows she doesn’t need to lie to her friend.
‘It was strange. I wanted us to just click back into how we had been before his father took him, but he’s such a completely different person that I felt like I was spending the day with a stranger.’
Megan sees the icon indicating Sandi is online and replying. She smiles, feeling relived that she can talk to her now.
‘Keep trying, it will take time. He’s been away for a long time,’ writes Sandi. ‘This is exactly what you have dreamed of for years, and even if it’s a little hard, you need to remember that. I would give anything… anything to have my girls back. Nothing is ever simple or easy, not children, not marriage, not life. Don’t give up too easily on him. Let him know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make him feel at home and happy again.’
Megan nods as she reads Sandi’s words. There is also a message from Tom asking how things are going.
‘A bit difficult,’ she writes now, reluctant to go into detail.
She puts the computer on the coffee table and goes to empty her nearly full glass of wine into the sink. She won’t drink if Evie might need a feed, and she’s a little unsettled right now, so it’s possible she will.
When she sits down again, Tom has replied.
‘It will be, I guess. He lost you six years ago and now he feels like he’s lost the only parent he’s had for six years. I guess the only advice I could give you is to let him know he can talk to you about his grief. You know, just let him mourn. Let him mourn his father. Even if you are angry with your ex-husband, it’s important to let him talk about him.’
‘I’m not sure I can feel anything towards Greg except anger right now,’ replies Megan.
‘You have him back and your ex is gone. You must have loved him once and I know how much you love your son. Put aside your anger and let him talk about how he’s feeling. Boys tend to bottle things up. I know I did when I was younger.’
