by Nicole Trope
Megan yawns as she reads Tom’s words. The day has caught up with her and she needs to go to sleep.
‘I will try. Thanks, Tom,’ she writes, and then she closes down her computer. It’s good to have Tom’s perspective and she reminds herself to hold back on her complaints with him. She doesn’t want to seem ungrateful that her son is home. She has to admit that if Tom’s or Sandi’s daughters had been the ones to return home, she would struggle to listen to them complain that things weren’t perfect. Perfection is an illusion. She makes up her mind to try harder with Daniel in the morning.
Getting up, Megan heads upstairs, where two bedrooms are filled with her children, something she had not imagined was possible a few days ago.
She looks in on both of them. Evie is sprawled across her cot, rosy-cheeked and dark-haired, and Daniel is lying on his side, curled up in his car bed, one hand clutching the mobile phone and the other, she is pleased to see, holding his Billy Blanket.
Thirteen
Seven days since Daniel’s return
‘How is it going?’ Olivia asks on the phone. ‘Is he settling in?’
Megan sighs. ‘I have no idea how to answer that, really.’ She looks behind her in case Daniel has wandered into the living room. She runs through what she can tell Olivia, debating with herself about what to say. Should she tell her that he has a habit of suddenly being in a room, right next to her, without announcing himself? That he moves soundlessly through the house, wanting but not asking for anything? That he barely speaks to her, and when he does it’s apparent he’s taken time to rehearse what he’s going to say?
‘He sleeps through the night and he eats whatever I put in front of him but it feels like he’s somewhere else, like his mind is somewhere else,’ Megan says.
‘He has just lost his father.’
‘He has just lost the monster who was taking care of him.’
‘Poor Daniel, poor baby,’ murmurs Olivia.
‘I just want him to be able to put this all behind him, but realistically it will be ages until we can have a funeral for Greg. I had to contact our old dentist to send over some dental records to the police and we’ve sent a swab of Daniel’s DNA up there as well. It’s so frustrating – there’s so much red tape.’
‘It will be easier for Daniel when he has some real closure and a grave he can go and visit.’
‘I know, but even with Michael’s help it’s going to take a long time. I’m just trying to figure out how to… to be with him, you know?’
‘He’s still Daniel, Megs, just older.’
‘Not really, I don’t know how to explain it, but not really. Everything that has happened has changed him so much that who he was at six seems to have completely disappeared. I have no idea what kind of life he was living. I don’t know anything about him. He answers my questions with one word and he doesn’t speak unless I ask him a direct question. There’s no emotion, no joy. I don’t know what to say to him or how to talk to him. It’s like he’s a complete stranger.’
Megan covers her mouth with her hand. The words have come out in a rush, startling her. She hadn’t meant to say this much. She knows that the only feeling she should be experiencing is one of gratitude that her child is back home with her, where he belongs, and she doesn’t want to tell Olivia that he doesn’t feel like her child. She cannot bear to say the words.
‘Hang in there,’ says Olivia. ‘I’m here if you need me.’
What she doesn’t say to Olivia, what scares her, is that she can feel herself falling back into the same habits she had adopted when she was married to Greg. She talks constantly to cover Daniel’s silences and she watches him all the time, looking for a sign that she has made him smile or laugh, or in case she has upset him in some way. It makes her angry with herself because Daniel is not a threat like his father was, but his silent, watchful presence unnerves her and she has no idea when or if things will ever go back to what she thought of as normal.
After saying goodbye to Olivia, Megan goes downstairs, stopping at the door to Michael’s office. ‘They’ll be here soon,’ she says.
‘Great, anything you want me to do?’
‘No, I’m basically done… I just wish I could calm down a little.’
‘I know, I imagine you’re struggling, but it’ll be fine. I’m sure it will be.’
Megan hears a sound from Evie’s room through the monitor she has set up in the kitchen, but her daughter is still fast asleep when she looks in. Daniel has, at least, shown some interest in Evie. He watches her a lot and she has seen him pat her on the head, as though she is a pet, once or twice.
‘Hello, Evie,’ he says to her, and Evie responds with, ‘Gaah.’
In the kitchen she finishes icing the cake she has made for today. Her imaginary scenarios of how everything would play out once Daniel had returned home have been crushed one after the other.
She hopes, fervently hopes, that today goes well. She hasn’t yet told Daniel about everyone in the family coming to tea, and they will be here soon. She wipes her hands and takes a deep breath.
As she starts up the stairs, she sees him standing in the doorway of Evie’s room.
‘Daniel?’ she says.
He whirls around and then flings himself back into his room and onto his bed. Megan ascends the stairs quickly and checks on Evie, who is lying peacefully sprawled across her cot.
Daniel has left his door slightly open. He is on his bed, lost in his game, as though he hasn’t moved all afternoon.
‘What were you doing in Evie’s room?’
‘I thought,’ he says, his eyes fixed on the small screen, ‘that I heard her crying.’
‘Oh, really? I didn’t hear her on the monitor downstairs.’
‘Why do you always have that thing with you?’
‘So I can hear her if she wakes up.’
‘I thought I heard her.’
‘I just checked and she’s still asleep.’ She inhales deeply. ‘Nana and Pop are coming over, and Connor and James and they’re bringing Lucy. Do you remember Lucy?’ she asks.
He doesn’t lift his eyes from his game. ‘Sure,’ he says.
You said you didn’t remember her in the car on the way home.
‘Lucy was so little when you… left, but she’s eight years old now. Do you remember how excited you were when Connor and James brought her home from Vietnam?’
Daniel shrugs.
How do you feel about being back home? Why won’t you look at me? Please tell me what you’re thinking. Let me help you, Daniel. I can help you. Megan swallows all the things she wants to say and simply says, ‘Okay, well, I’ll see you downstairs soon.’ She returns to the kitchen to get some more cups for the dining room table. She places the cake in the centre of the table, the chocolate and vanilla layer cake that is exactly like the one Daniel had asked her to make for his sixth birthday.
The toll of the bell startles her. Megan finds herself nervous, a little sweaty. She has not told her mother how she is feeling about her son’s return, hoping it is just her and Daniel readjusting to each other.
She takes a deep breath and opens the front door.
‘Darling,’ says her mother when she sees her and then, ‘Hello, Daniel.’
Megan turns quickly. She had not known that he was standing behind her. ‘Nana,’ he says and she hears the tears locked in his throat. He throws himself into his grandmother’s arms. ‘I missed you so much,’ he says, his voice muffled against the fabric of the grey jumper she’s wearing.
‘Oh, Daniel darling, I missed you too. You have no idea how much. I thought about you every day.’
He has to bend his knees to hug his grandmother. He is taller than she is by almost a whole head. Megan watches the embrace, remembering him holding her mother’s hand, looking up at her and telling her a ‘knock, knock’ joke.
‘Knock, knock, Nana.’
‘Who’s there, Daniel?’
‘Interrupting cow.’
‘Interrupting cow wh�
��’
‘Moo.’
Megan’s father puts his hand on Daniel’s shoulder and gives it a squeeze, just letting him know he’s there. Without letting go of his grandmother, Daniel turns his head. ‘Can we play chess again, Pop? Can we?’
‘Of course,’ rumbles her father. ‘I brought the set for you. I left it in the car because I wasn’t sure you’d want to play.’ Packing up the chess game he and Daniel had been playing was one of the most difficult things her father had had to do when they’d sold their house. On the last day they’d lived there, activity had whirled around him as Connor, James, Megan, her mother and the movers had packed up the last few boxes; but he had been still, sitting at the small table, staring at the chess board until it was time to go and he no longer had a choice.
‘I do,’ Daniel says, laughing. ‘I’ll come get it with you.’
On the way to the car with his grandfather, Daniel stops to greet Connor and James. He doesn’t hug either of them, but simply nods and glances quickly at Lucy before looking away.
Megan is at once baffled and upset. He has shown his grandparents more emotion in five minutes than he has shown her in a whole week. He has also basically ignored Connor, James and Lucy. Megan knows that he had adored Lucy since the day he met her. It had been, according to him when she had tucked him in that night, ‘the best day of my life’.
The day Connor and James had brought Lucy home, Megan, Daniel and her parents had gone to the airport to pick them up.
At the time, Greg had said, ‘You’d think they’d managed to have the kid themselves, the way you people are going on and on about it.’
‘Maybe you shouldn’t come to the airport,’ she had replied.
‘Like I care what you think. I wouldn’t have come even if you wanted me to.’
Megan had by then been waiting for the right moment to tell Greg that she wanted a divorce. She was fearful of his reaction, unsure if the news would be greeted with aggression and violence or weeping and self-pity.
On the way to the airport she had gone through the explanation about adoption again for Daniel.
‘But where is Lucy’s mum?’ he had asked.
‘She lives in Vietnam but she couldn’t take care of Lucy so she asked Uncle Connor and Uncle James to do it for her.’
‘But will she visit her? Will Lucy see her mum?’ he had asked, and Megan had sensed some panic in his voice.
‘Don’t worry, darling. I’m not going to ask anyone else to look after you. I will always be here.’
‘Forever and ever?’
‘Forever and ever. But Lucy now has two daddies who will be there for her forever and ever.’
‘And me,’ he had said proudly. ‘I’m going to be the big cousin and it’s a big responsibility because I have to help her and play with her and be nice to her.’
‘Exactly,’ Megan had said.
She had been a little worried about how he would react to Lucy because she knew that he wasn’t meeting her as a baby. At eighteen months old, Lucy would already be a little person in her own right and she wanted them to get on. She wanted him to have another child in the family to play with, even if they were so vastly different in age. She had wanted, had planned, had always imagined that she would have another child, but Greg had said, ‘I don’t want to go back to the broken nights again,’ even though he was never the one to get up. ‘You become so involved with the baby it’s like I don’t even exist and you gained so much weight last time. You know how uncomfortable you were and how you hated the nausea,’ he had said. And so, months and years passed and Megan had watched her dream of another child fade, convincing herself that Greg was right, that it would be too difficult for her and for their marriage.
She hadn’t needed to worry about Daniel and Lucy getting along. From the moment they met, they adored each other.
‘I play with Legos, Lucy,’ Daniel had told her seriously as he sat with her on the floor of Connor’s living room, ‘but you’re too little for that. I can build a tower for you and you can knock it down. Mum says babies like to knock stuff down.’ He’d piled one wooden block on top of another until the tower had begun to wobble.
‘Knock it down, Lucy, knock it down and it will go bang.’
Lucy had stared at the tower for a minute and then swiped her hand at it, sending the blocks tumbling down.
‘Yay, Lucy,’ he’d shouted, clapping his hands. ‘You made it go bang. Bang, bang, all gone.’
‘Bang,’ Lucy had said quietly, and then the adults had had to leave the room for a moment because there were too many tears to explain to Daniel.
Lucy had been two and a half when Greg had picked up Daniel from school and disappeared. Megan knows that at eight, nearly nine, Lucy looks nothing like she did as a chubby baby. She is tall and thin with thick black hair that hangs past her waist. Megan had seen her smile shyly at Daniel and receive nothing in return. Her heart breaks for her niece who has been waiting for her idolised cousin to return. She wants to take her aside and explain that she shouldn’t be upset by his behaviour, but she herself is upset so she worries she won’t sound convincing to the little girl.
As the afternoon wears on Daniel grows increasingly withdrawn. He plays one game of chess with his grandfather and then refuses a piece of cake even though Megan sees him looking over at it every now and again.
He rebuffs any attempts Lucy makes at conversation, communicating in shrugs and monosyllables. He is actively rude to Connor and James, curling his lip and almost sneering whenever either one of them says anything. Megan sees Connor and James exchanging looks and feels the urge to apologise for her son’s bad behaviour.
‘Are you still into science?’ Connor asks.
‘How can anyone be into science?’ His eyes narrow as though the question has offended him.
‘Daniel!’ exclaims Megan.
‘Oh, you’d be surprised by the number of people who are into science. You used to be one of those people when you were little. Do you remember coming to visit me in the lab?’
‘No.’
‘You loved it. You looked through the microscope at the cells dividing and told me you were going to be a scientist when you grew up, just like me.’
‘Wouldn’t want to be like you anymore.’
‘Daniel, how can you say that to your uncle?’ Megan yells, instantly ashamed at herself for raising her voice.
‘I can say what I like,’ he shouts back, startling everyone at the table. ‘Who cares what job you have or if you took me to your lab? You’re a horrible liar, all of you are horrible liars who only care about yourselves.’ He spits the words, his face and ears growing red and his fists clenched. He stands up before anyone can say anything and continues his tirade. ‘You never cared about me or my dad. All you did was hurt him and make her divorce him.’ He points an accusing finger in Megan’s direction. ‘She hurt—’
‘That’s enough, Daniel, go to your room,’ Michael says, raising his voice just enough to silence Daniel, who is panting with rage. He opens his mouth to speak again and Michael stands up. Megan watches Daniel’s shoulders drop, his eyes widening as he looks up at Michael. ‘I said go to your room,’ he repeats quietly.
Daniel lets out a sharp sound of distress and then he spins around and runs to his room, slamming the door so hard the sound reverberates around the house.
A brittle silence descends. ‘Oh God.’ Megan sinks her head into her hands. ‘I’m so sorry, Con, oh God, I’m so sorry.’
‘Megs, it’s okay, it’s okay, just relax. He’s just blowing off some steam. This must be so weird for him,’ comforts Connor.
‘All twelve-year-old boys are arseholes,’ says James. ‘I know because I was one.’
Everyone at the table laughs, the tension broken.
‘Dad, you said a swear-jar word,’ Lucy says.
‘I did, baby,’ laughs James. ‘But I think everyone can forgive everyone for any bad behaviour today.’
‘Danny hates us,’ says Lucy quietly
as she picks up cake crumbs with her fingers.
‘No, he doesn’t, Luce,’ protests Megan. ‘He just has to get used to everyone again. I promise you that soon you two will be the best of friends.’ Megan hopes that the words sound more convincing to eight-year-old Lucy than they do to her.
‘I think it’s time for us to go,’ says her mother, and everyone stands up at once. ‘He will be fine,’ she says, planting a kiss on Megan’s forehead. ‘I promise he’ll be fine.’
Megan nods her head, blinking quickly to stop any tears falling. ‘Fine’ feels like the last thing Daniel is going to be.
Fourteen
As she cleans up Megan remembers Daniel at five at a family dinner, making jokes and asking questions, interested in everything and everyone. He had been the first and only grandchild for years and had basked in the attention he received at family gatherings.
The level of vitriol hurled at Connor, at all of them, was disturbing. He had never had a temper, had never been the kind of child who sought confrontation. Megan knows that the things he had said were straight out of Greg’s mouth, and as she wipes the kitchen counter she despairs at the lies he would have been fed by his father, at how much effort Greg would have put into discrediting them.
The onslaught must have been continuous for the little boy as his father sought to turn him against the people he loved. In the end all she can feel is pity for him. She knows that he is suffering and confused, with no idea what to believe.
‘I might go for a run,’ Michael says, coming into the kitchen.
‘I wish I could join you,’ she says.
‘You could – we can put Evie in her pram. She’ll enjoy getting out in the fresh air.’
‘Maybe you could take her with you. I don’t think I should leave him alone and I could use a little time with him. I need to explain about going to the school tomorrow.’
‘Absolutely.’ He puts his arms around her, holds her tightly, and she drops her head onto his chest.
‘What are we going to do?’
