by S. K. Lessly
“Hey, Lieutenant.”
I looked up to find one of the candidates assigned to this house standing in front of me. A new recruit fresh out of the academy was considered a candidate, or newbie. The first six to eighteen months was considered a probationary period for a candidate. During that time, they were to use what they learned in the academy on the job under the supervision of their assigned firehouse. After their probation period was over, only then would the firehouse consider them a true firefighter.
I sat up and smiled up at the young man, recognizing the face. He was the one I helped Vargas save from the apartment fire months ago. I remembered I had seen him soon after that day, and he told me he was entering the academy. After that, I hadn’t seen him again. It felt good to know he followed through and became a firefighter, or he was trying to at least.
“What’s up, candidate? Have a seat, young man.” I reached out my hand to him, and we shook before he sat down next to me.
“Nothing much, sir. Glad to see you.”
“You too. Glad to see you followed through with your plans. How’s everything going so far?” I kept thinking about his name as he spoke to me. Shit, it was something like Fubar, Qumar… something… Lamar. That’s it!
“Pretty good, sir,” Lamar replied. “Actually, I’m loving it. Of course, I get my balls knocked around a little bit, but it comes with the territory.” He smiled.
“You got that right. You need to earn your keep.”
He chuckled lightly. “Yes sir. I don’t have a problem with it at all.”
“So, Lamar how’s the family? How’s your mom and baby doing?”
Lamar seemed to perk up, giving me the brightest smile, which lit his entire face.
“They’re good, sir. Thanks for asking. My girlfriend and I just got an apartment a few blocks down the street in Bloomfield, and the baby is growing and healthy. She’s daddy’s little girl. I tell you that much.”
I smiled.
“I hear that. She’s a beautiful little girl. You’re a lucky man. Now,” I sat up further and gave him a stern look, “name each of our response codes, and explain to me what they are? Let’s see how much you know already.”
I spent the next twenty minutes or so grilling Lamar on departmental protocols and procedures. I listened intently as he gave me procedure after procedure to any scenario I asked. I corrected him when he was wrong and even went into more details per scenario. What candidates learned in the classroom wasn’t anything like learning in the field. No book could prepare you for real-life situations, like how your body could freeze on you when a raging fire was taunting you, how intense the flames would feel even before you get close, or how easy smoke could rob you of all the oxygen in your body in a blink of an eye. The sound of a roaring fire devouring any and everything in its path could be the death of you both physically and emotionally. You had to literally stare death in the face every time you’re in front of a burning structure. If you weren’t ready for that then this job/ this career, wasn’t for you.
Another firefighter came over and sat down next to us. He overheard me working Lamar over with procedural questions and real-life scenarios and started adding his two cents, telling stories about the shit he’d seen in his day. I took that as my cue to fall back into my thoughts.
To do this job, either you had it, or you didn’t. There were times when I didn’t think I had it anymore. I would question my decision to become a firefighter instead of a company man like my father and brother. Most of the time I’d come to my senses, but it'd take a while depending on what brought me to the brink of losing it. What had me getting lost inside my head were the deaths of those we couldn’t save because of circumstance out of our control that did it. Or we did save them, but their injuries were far greater than our efforts. Sometimes it was the latter that filled me with the most grief. My squad and I would bust our asses to save someone or beat the odds to get to our victims only to have their families still lose them. That was hard. Not only would I question my lifelong passion, but my faith as well.
In light of that revelation, my mind instantly went to a call I had gotten some months back involving a woman with four kids.
We got called to a horrific car crash. Some idiot ran a red light and t-boned this woman’s car. She was pinned down and couldn’t get out. I remembered getting there and immediately going to her side. I talked to her the whole time my team and Samson’s raced to get her out, especially when sparks from the collision started flying next to a growing puddle of leaking gas. Typically, that didn’t happen. The latest models had security measures to ensure that didn’t happen. Unfortunately, this woman’s car didn’t have that feature.
The victim’s behavior was all over the place, hysterical, scared, and nervousness, which was normal. The only way I calmed her down was having her talk about her kids. She was a single parent. She’d lost her husband overseas some years back, a career Marine.
Sally was her name, and she beamed when she talked about her kids. She loved them deeply, and they adored her. The ages ranged from six to fifteen. We managed to get her free and to the hospital. As I said, she seemed fine when I handed her off to my medics. I even asked after her when they returned to the house, and they said her vitals were good. However, after work, I called to check up on her and found out she had died in the night due to complications of her injuries.
Fuck, I was devastated for her family, her kids. Her loss was hard for me, and I went home that night wondering if this shit was all worth it. Was it worth the heartache and frustration of another good life taken by a senseless act? Nevertheless, God had sent me an angel that night— he had sent me Lauren.
I came home late that night to find Lauren sitting at my kitchen table. She had cooked for me that day, which was a rarity. The woman could bake her ass off, but cooking meals were always a challenge. She had called me earlier that day and asked if she could cook for me. She had seen a recipe for salmon on YouTube and wanted to try it. I had told her to knock herself out.
I had completely forgotten all about that conversation until I saw her in my kitchen looking beautiful as ever. The scent of fish caught my attention then, and guilt flooded me. I had zero appetite, and she went all out for me. Plus, I was shit company; the events of the night were weighing me down.
I waited for her to light into me for being late like Sabrina had done many times over. Surprisingly, she didn’t. I wasn’t going to press my luck and tell her that I wasn’t hungry. I kissed her cheek and told her that everything smelled good. I had asked her to give me a few minutes, excused myself, and went to the basement. She let me go without a word. I felt like shit, but I needed to get myself together.
A few seconds after I disappeared, I heard her coming down the basement steps behind me. I started to tell her that I needed space when she surprised me yet again. I stood in front of the bar and noticed I was out of my favorite brand of Cognac. I didn’t have time to be pissed off at myself. I needed a damn drink and now. I reached for the vodka when she walked behind the bar to face me with a fresh bottle of the expensive bottle in her hand.
She opened the rather large bottle, poured me a glass, and placed the bottle on the bar in front of me.
“I noticed you were low,” she began as an explanation, as if she needed to explain anything to me. “So, I picked up a new bottle when I was out today.”
Hell, I didn’t care one way or another. I was grateful.
“Thanks,” I returned and took the drink down quickly. She poured me another then ran her fingers through my hair.
“Are you hungry?”
I shook my head. “Not really.” I then sighed remembering, again, she had cooked for me. “Shit, I’m sorry. I know you went through a lot of trouble.”
The woman just shook her head and kissed my cheek. “Believe me. It wasn’t any trouble at all. I’ll put a plate in the microwave just in case you get hungry later.” She then pointed in the direction of her house. “I have some papers to grade." She
chuckled lightly, a nervous smile appearing on her beautiful face. Knowing that I was making her nervous made me feel even more like shit. “I’m soooo behind with reading.” She continued. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
I nodded unable to use my words properly. She touched my face with a warm palm before she gave me a chaste kiss on the lips and sauntered back upstairs.
I stayed where I was for a few more minutes beating myself up for how I was handling this situation. I took another shot down and made my way upstairs, all the while trying to figure out what to say to her. When I emerged from the basement, Lauren was sitting at the kitchen table eating dinner. I sat next to her.
“Let me have a taste.”
I nodded towards the small piece of salmon still on her plate. She stabbed the piece of fish with her fork and brought it to my mouth. The salmon wasn’t half bad. It was seasoned to perfection with a slight kick to it, which I loved, and it wasn’t over or undercooked. I nodded my head in approval.
“That does taste good. You said my plate is in the microwave?”
She smiled at me, which was something that I longed for every day. No matter my mood, it always seemed to warm my heart, like it was doing that night.
“Yes, it’s there when you’re ready.”
“Thanks. I’m going to take a shower.” I left her with a soft kiss to her lips before I made my way upstairs.
I recalled spending an obscene amount of time in the shower that night, trying to clear my head. Nothing was working. Giving up, I got out dressed in a sleeveless tee and shorts and fell across my bed staring up at the ceiling. I did my best to relax and quiet my thoughts enough for sleep to take me, but I couldn’t. Something was off with me, and the only way I could get through this turmoil was to talk to someone.
At first, I started to call Vargas but thought against it. I didn’t want to bring back pained memories for him. He was still on the road to recovery, and even though I knew he would take my call, I didn’t want to burden him with my stupid shit.
I then thought about calling Samson, but he wasn’t the one person that I really wanted to talk to. I sat up grabbed my phone and called her number. She answered on the third ring. I remembered that conversation like it was yesterday.
“Hey, are you sleep yet?” I had asked.
“No, I’m still grading papers. I thought you’d be sleep though. Why are you still up?”
“I can’t seem to quiet my thoughts.” I informed her then grew quiet for a minute. With no plan on how I was going to do this, I just spoke from my heart and hoped for the best.
“Listen, I wanted to apologize to you again for tonight, for being late and my attitude. I don’t mean to bring my work home with me.”
“Paul, if you can’t be yourself around me, then something’s wrong.”
I went quiet again. I couldn’t help it. Her words, hell, they meant everything in that moment. It allowed me to open up and tell her everything that was on my mind.
“Today was a little rough at work,” I began in a quiet tone. “And when I have days like today I can’t help but question my decision to do this job, you know. I mean all the effort we put into trying to save a life, only for that life to be taken anyway. I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I just worked for my father.”
Lauren was quiet on the other end, and at first, I thought maybe the call was disconnected, except I knew that wasn’t true. For one, I could hear her breathing on the other end. Also, I could feel her presence. She was waiting me out, letting me talk at my own pace.
I let out a pained breath and proclaimed, “I must sound like an idiot to you.”
“No, you don’t.” she returned quickly. “You sound like someone who cares that’s all. Cares about what he does for a living and who he does it for.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes I wonder about that. Maybe I should quit. It takes a different breed to do what I do, and sometimes I don’t think I have what it takes.”
“Paul?”
“Yeah?”
“What I’m about to say to you, please take it for what it’s worth, okay?”
“Okay?” I replied hesitantly.
“You are by far the bravest man I know. You’re strong and smart, and completely devoted to service. That’s a good thing, baby. Those men that work with you would follow you anywhere, which also shows how much of a leader you are. I know it takes a different breed of a person to do what you do, which is why you’re doing it and not sitting behind a desk.”
She paused a beat to let her words sink in. I sat up in the bed and listened to her speak to my soul, my heart beating clear out of my chest. To hear her affirmation of my devotion to duty stunned me. It also humbled me.
“Paul, I can only imagine how hard it can be for you, but I know the good outweighs the bad or you wouldn’t still be doing it.”
“I can’t leave what I see at the front door, Lauren,” I admitted to her.
“And you shouldn’t have to if you don’t want to. I’m sure all that you see brings other things in your life into perspective, doesn’t it? I mean you probably take nothing for granted where others probably do. You understand how quickly death can consume you, you’ve seen it firsthand, and yet you’re still doing what you love. You could have quit a long time ago. I’m sure you’ve had many difficult nights, and yet you haven't given up. You know why, it’s in your blood, that why. It’s who you are baby, hands down. You’re a fixer, a protector. You run into burning buildings not thinking about your life but about the lives you have to save. You put yourself in compromising situations knowing that you could lose in a blink of an eye, yet that doesn’t stop you. It’s in your DNA to save people, to be their lifeline. I know it and so do you.”
We both got quiet, and I rose from my bed moving on autopilot.
Fuck, the moment she painted how I strived to live my life, I knew I needed to get to her. I needed to feel her in my arms to consume her strength. I started making my way down my steps. I grabbed my keys, which were sitting on the kitchen counter, pushed my feet into some Nike sandals, and exited my house through the back door, locking it behind me. As I made my way to her back door, she began speaking again, slaying me even more.
“Listen, Paul. I’m not going to pretend like I understand what you’re going through or pretend that I can relate. I just want to let you know that I’m here for you if you ever need me. I’m not burdened by you or your silence. Knowing who you are is understanding the type of man you are, and I think I know you enough to not take today to heart. If you need space, I’m okay with that.”
It was my turn to be quiet. It was more so to catch my breath than anything. What I wanted to do was bust through the glass door separating us and kiss the fuck out of her. The burning desire to have her in my arms right this very minute engulfed my soul. I took her back steps in two strides. I looked through the glass door and found her sitting on her couch.
Just the sight of her stole the remaining air out of my lungs. I finally got the will to speak, especially when I saw her look at her phone as if she lost connection.
“That’s nice of you to say. But what if I don’t want space?” I asked her, my voice low, gritty, and full of love for this woman.
She smiled and replied softly, “Then that’s fine too. Whatever you want and whatever you need, I got you.”
I fell silent again, taking in her undeniable beauty before I started tapping on her back door. I had the key, but I didn’t want to use it. I wanted her to come to me. Also, I didn’t think I could yield a key right now. My entire body was shaking with anticipation.
Lauren shook her head when she spotted me at her back door and ended the call. Her smile grew as she got to the door and opened it.
“You’re crazy you know that?”
I didn’t say a word. I just wrapped her in my arms and held her close to me. I kissed her neck before burying my face in her hair, breathing her in. We stayed like that for at least a half a minute before I pulled back from
her. She placed her hands on either side of my face and kissed me gently on both cheeks before she placed a light kiss on my lips. I wanted more, I wanted to devour her, but I didn’t want to be a caveman, not yet anyway.
Instead, I said to her, “I’m here to help grade papers.”
She laughed. Damn, I love her laugh. “Oh yeah? Tell me what you know about Shakespeare?”
“Uh, that he wrote Romeo and Juliet.”
She led me to the living room, and once I saw all the papers that she had strewn all over the couch, I collapsed in the lounge chair across from her. She threw me the remote, which gave her serious brownie points and I quickly flipped to SportsCenter. I turned to drink her in and noticed she had a glass of red wine sitting in front of her. I grabbed the glass, took a sip, and puckered my face instantly.
“Holy hell, what is this shit you’re drinking?”
She looked over at me taking in the frown on my face.
“It’s wine. What do you mean?” She took her glass from me and drank it herself as if she was tasting nothing out of the ordinary. “I don’t taste anything wrong with my wine.”
I shook my head and turned back to the television, wishing that I had something to rinse my mouth out, but too tired to get up. “Baby, remind me to teach you what real wine tastes like.” She threw a throw pillow at me, and I caught it before it landed on my face.
“I like my wine, thank you very much. I don’t like those bitter tasting stuff, and this isn’t bitter.” It was her turn to frown.
“I know, you like them sweet. But sweetheart, there’s more to life than…” I leaned over and grabbed the bottle sitting on the floor next to the couch. “John Duvet? Honey, where in the hell did you find this?”
She shrugged a shoulder. “At Giant, where else?”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it. My baby was freaking clueless and adorable without trying.
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you next time.”
Ironically, allowing myself to laugh made me relax even more. In fact, I was so relaxed that I was on the verge of passing out, but I couldn’t get comfortable. Sensing my discomfort, she cleared a spot for me on the couch next to her and patted the cushion. I didn’t need her to say the words. I jumped up so fast and made my way to the couch that she laughed at me. I placed the pillow she threw at me on part of her leg and wrapped my arm underneath her thigh and the pillow.
