Holding On

by Meg Jolie

  Quinn shook her head and giggled at his expression. “No, Luke. Your head probably looked just like that at one time. It’s totally normal.”

  His shoulders visibly slumped in relief. “Oh thank God,” he breathed out. “It’s bad enough he looks like Yoda—”

  He immediately clamped his lips shut when he realized his faux pas. Carly swung an annoyed glare around at him.

  “I didn’t mean…It’s just…” He tried to stumble through an explanation. “I just thought babies were supposed to be cute,” he said meekly.

  “Luke!” Carly cried. “Dig yourself a little deeper why don’t you?”

  He gave her a sheepish grin back. “Okay, how ’bout I say…he looks just like his daddy.” He winked at Quinn and despite herself, she started to laugh. Then she yawned hugely.

  “Quinn, you should get some sleep,” Carly told her. “Lily and Jemma are going to be getting off work in a while and then they’ll be back up here.”

  “Carly’s right,” Luke jumped in. Quinn looked beyond exhausted. Hell, he was beyond exhausted and she was the one who had done all the work.

  Quinn glanced down at Carter, he was sleeping soundly. She looked disappointed at having to give him up so soon after finally getting him back. “I am tired,” she admitted.

  “I’ll put him in that…thing for you,” Luke said. He motioned to the strange rolling bassinet that was standard for hospital nurseries. The clear glass sides made it look so sterile and not at all baby friendly.

  “Okay,” Quinn agreed.

  She carefully lifted Carter into Luke’s arms. She smiled because he was so obviously awkward at holding a baby. But he was trying so hard not to be. He took the few steps to the bassinet. He stopped next to it and just gazed at the baby in his arms for a minute. It was such an odd bitter-sweet feeling to be holding his brother’s baby. Given the circumstances.

  Carly and Quinn shared a sad smile while Luke had his back to them. Then finally, he placed the sleeping baby inside. He rolled Carter over to Quinn’s bedside so she could reach for him if he stirred.

  “Are you sure you want him in here?” Luke asked. He reminded her, “The nurse said they could bring him to the nursery if you want to sleep.”

  “We’re fine,” Quinn assured him. “I want him in here with me.”

  Luke nodded and then bent over to kiss her forehead. “We’ll be back later.”

  Quinn smiled at him and then was wrapped in a hug from Carly. “He’s absolutely perfect,” Carly whispered in her ear.

  “Thanks,” Quinn whispered back.

  She was already settling down under the scratchy hospital blanket when Luke and Carly stepped into the hallway.

  “Don’t worry about what Mom said,” Carly told Luke. “I’m so glad you were with her. And I know she is, too. I’m sure she would’ve rather had me there,” she teased. “But you were probably her second choice.”

  Luke forced a smile. “I’m glad I was there too. I mean…It was…” He faded off as his voice choked up.

  “Yeah,” Carly agreed sadly. “I’m sure it was.”

  *~*~*

  “I don’t ever want to go back to school again,” Carly moped. She was nestled into Quinn’s couch, holding Carter. Quinn had just gotten released from the hospital. Carly was going to have to head back to school shortly. Already, she’d stayed a day longer than she should have. “I had no idea it would be so hard to leave him.”

  “You’ll just have to come back home more often,” Quinn pointed out.

  “I know,” Carly agreed. “Going away for school seemed like such a good idea at the time. And taking a year off, that seemed like a good idea at the time. Now I just wish I was done. After everything that’s happened this year…I really wish I was closer.” She meant she wished she was closer so that she could support her sister after Jake’s death. And now she wished she were closer because she didn’t want to miss out on a single second of her nephew.

  “I wish you were closer too,” Quinn honestly told her. “I miss having you around. But that just means that when you’re done, you’ll have to move back. No matter what! So don’t go meeting some guy that’s going to steal you away.”

  Carly blushed but didn’t answer.

  “Uh-oh,” Quinn said, feigning indignation. “Is there something you’ve been keeping from me?” Carly’s silence drug out. “Who is he?” Quinn finally demanded.

  “His name’s Nolan,’” she finally said. Her lips were twitching in a smile. “He’s in one of my psychology classes. We have a few mutual friends,” she shrugged. “We just really hit it off.”

  “So is it…serious?” Quinn asked carefully. Her sister’s tone and dreamy look made her wonder. And yet…Carly had only been back to school for less than two months.

  “He’s great. Wonderful, I mean,” Carly sighed.

  Quinn smiled at her, relieved that Jesse appeared to be forgotten.

  “Why is this the first I’m hearing of him?” she demanded to know.

  A guilty flush colored Carly’s cheeks. “Oh, Quinn. I was going to tell you but then everything happened and…I just didn’t want to bring it up before. I mean, even now, it doesn’t feel right.”

  Because of Jake. They both knew it was because of Jake, Quinn’s tremendous loss. Neither had to say it but it was there. Hanging over them. Filling the room. Weighing down with a heart-crushing force.

  “Carly, no!” Quinn exclaimed. “I don’t ever want you to feel that way. Please don’t keep stuff like that from me. Not ever!”

  Carly gently bounced Carter up and down in her arms. She watched as his little lips moved, sucking at nothing. She smiled because he was just too precious for words. Then her gaze returned to Quinn and became serious again. “It just doesn’t feel right,” Carly said. “It doesn’t feel right for me to be so happy right now.”

  “That’s silly,” Quinn protested. Jake had been gone for over a month now. Instead of getting easier, in most ways, it had just gotten harder. The reality of it had set in. People had faded away over the last weeks, and the distraction went with them. Now Quinn was left to deal with her grief. But yet…

  “I have him now,” Quinn said, smiling at her son. “And yeah, I still miss Jake every single hour of the day. And I will for a long time. Maybe forever. But I’ve got Carter and that helps. Knowing you’re happy, that helps too. It really does. You’re my sister. I want you to be happy. So no more keeping things like that from me. Okay?”

  Carly nodded, not feeling quite right about it, but agreeing anyway.

  “You know Quinn, all I’ve ever wanted for you, was for you to be happy, too,” Carly quietly told her.

  Quinn forced a smile even as she blinked away a few tears. “I will be,” she said. “Someday.”

  Epilogue

  Three months later…

  “I did not think it was possible,” Carly admitted as they walked out of the church, “but I swear he just gets cuter every time I see him!”

  Luke smirked. “I still can’t believe you stuffed the poor guy in a dress.”

  “Baptismal gown,” Nora said. She nudged Luke. Then she turned to Carly and plucked Carter right out of her arms. She took off with him down the snow dappled sidewalk.

  “Hey!” Carly cried, good-naturedly.

  “My turn! And don’t forget Luke, you wore one too. I have the pictures to prove it!” she called over her shoulder. “In fact, I still have the dress!”

  “Of course she does,” Luke muttered.

  “Well, Carter is wearing Jake’s,” Quinn pointed out. “It only makes sense that she saved yours, too.”

  “I think I’m going to go get my baby back,” Carly muttered. Then she stopped and turned around. “Do you want me to take your car?” she asked Quinn. “Then you can ride with Luke?”

  Quinn glanced at Luke and he nodded.

  “Sure,” Quinn said as she handed Carly her keys. “Just drive safely.”

  Carly answered that with an eye roll. Carter’s car seat
was in Quinn’s car. Of course she would be driving safely. She took off down the sidewalk, hurrying after Luke’s parents. Margo and Pete had already left. The brunch was being held at their house so Margo wanted to get a head start to be sure everything was ready.

  Quinn laughed at the smug look on Carly’s face when she told Nora she was to get the baby. Then she turned with Luke and walked down the other side of the street, where he’d parked.

  Things between them were on a level Quinn couldn’t even explain. Not to herself. Not to anyone else. Luke was back in her life. He was her best friend again. But things were different. Now that they were both dealing with the loss of Jake, they would be irrevocably different.

  “You know,” Luke said as he got into his truck. “I’m glad I have a minute with you. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” He sat back in his seat, slightly turned to face Quinn. Though he turned the key to let it warm up, he made no move to leave.

  “What’s going on?” she asked.

  She was immediately concerned. She had seen Luke quite a bit lately, but mostly at his parents’ house. He hadn’t stayed with her once since Carter was born. Margo had insisted on staying for the first week and Carly had come home several weekends to help out, to let Quinn get a full night’s sleep. But Luke had kept his visits limited to when she brought Carter over to see his family. That had been quiet often and she felt that they were finally getting their friendship back on track.

  “I’ve been trying to decide if I should go back to Baxter or not,” Luke admitted. His words took Quinn by surprise.

  “Why?” she asked quietly. “I mean, why would you? I thought that now that you were working for your dad again…” She let the words trail off though the implication was clear. She had thought Luke was back. For good. To stay. She had no idea that leaving again was even an option for him. A painful ache surged up in her chest at the thought of him leaving again. She didn’t want him to leave again. She didn’t want to lose him, too.

  “I only took a leave of absence from the company I was with. Under the circumstances, they let me. But they’re getting kind of pushy. Not that I blame them but they want an answer. They want to know if I’ll be back or not. I heard from a friend of mine, a guy that I work with, that the temp they hired could really use the position.”

  She tried to keep her voice steady when she said, “So what do you think you’re going to do?” Even though Baxter wasn’t that far away, the last time Luke had lived there, she’d barely seen him. Lily and Nate lived there now and she rarely saw them, either.

  He shrugged and seemed to be working hard at staring straight ahead. Not turning to look at Quinn. “At first? I was honestly only thinking my leave would be for a while. I mean, I felt like I was needed here I felt a sense of…” He faded off, looking for an appropriate word.

  “Obligation?” Quinn guessed with a sigh.

  “No. More like duty.” He dared a glance and saw the hurt look on her face. It was clear to him she thought he felt obligated to her. “I meant duty to my family. To the business. With Jake gone…Dad was not only short an employee,” he let out a harsh laugh, “which was the very least of his concerns. But he had to still go in almost every day to keep things moving along so our guys had work. I mean, it’s our family’s business and I just felt like I was shirking my family responsibility by not being there.

  “But yes,” he admitted with a sigh. “I wanted to be here for you, too. How many times did you remind me over the past year that we were friends? You’ve always been there for me. I wanted to be there for you. And honestly Quinn, I don’t know if you realize it but I needed you to be here for me. And you have been. Even if you weren’t with Jake and this had happened, you would’ve been there for me.”

  She nodded slowly.

  “Is this making sense?”

  “Yes,” she said quietly. Because they were friends. They were friends above and beyond everything else.

  “So as far as moving back to Baxter,” he shook his head and ran a hand over his face. As if trying to scrub the conflicting emotions away. “I’d just started to feel like I was making a life there. My job was getting better. I was making friends. I actually really like my apartment. At first, I thought I’d just stay here through the holidays. But now we’ve moved into the new year and I have to make up my mind…”

  “You shouldn’t stay just because you feel like you need to,” Quinn told him. She was afraid his sense of obligation was going to control his decision. That it was going to force him to make a decision he might not really want to make. “You should only stay if you want to. Don’t do it for anyone else.”

  “I know,” he agreed. “That’s what I’ve been struggling with. But the last few days…I think I do want to. I want to be close to my family. All of you. Especially Carter…The thought of being far away and only seeing my nephew once in a while? I don’t like it. I mean, I hear Carly saying how much he’s changed in just a few weeks. I don’t want to be far away. I don’t want to miss out on that. Is that wrong?”

  Quinn shook her head. “No. It’s not wrong. I think it’s really sweet. Your family has always been close. So it makes sense.”

  He was quiet for a while and Quinn didn’t interrupt. She just left him with his thoughts while she let her own swirl through her head. Finally, she felt him turn to look at her.

  “I’m glad you feel that way. That it’s not wrong. I mean…I don’t want you to think I’m overstepping any boundaries. I just…I don’t know where to go from here. With you and me? You know? And I’m not saying we’re actually going anywhere…” He looked at her to be sure she understood what he was saying. She did and acknowledged it with a small nod. “I mean, you’ve been one of my best friends for as long as I can remember. But you were my brother’s wife. And now he’s gone and I just don’t know…The boundaries are all so blurry because of our past. I guess what I’m saying…”

  He faded off, clearly uncertain of how to finish his sentence. But Quinn understood.

  “That things are one, big, ugly, complicated mess?”

  He blew out a sigh, relieved that she knew exactly what he was trying to say. Even though it was almost impossible to put into words. “Yeah. That’s pretty much what I’m saying.”

  “I missed you this past year,” Quinn told him. “But I don’t want it to affect your decision. However, I’m glad that you’ve been around the past few months. But you need to do what’s best for you.”

  Luke nodded, debating whether or not he should continue. “As long as we’re laying it all out there…I should tell you…I felt so guilty those first few weeks. After we found out he was gone…” His voice was rough. It sounded like he was grating the words out.

  Quinn waited patiently. She was afraid to interrupt because it was clear he was having a hard time with what he had to say. She didn’t want him to stop because she was afraid he may not start up again.

  “I spent so long wishing something would happen. That you two would split up.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I didn’t even care how. Whether you just decided you weren’t right for each other…Or whether he met someone else.” Quinn stiffened and Luke said, “Yeah, I know. It was shitty of me. I know. But I just wanted you. I wanted you so badly and I just wanted him out of the picture. I didn’t care how. And then…all of a sudden he was gone. And I kept thinking…This is not what I wanted! This isn’t what I meant. And I felt so…guilty. Like I’d wished it into happening.” His voice cracked and he wiped a tear away.

  “Luke,” Quinn said consolingly. “That’s just…” She wanted to say ‘crazy’ or ‘nonsense’ but both words sounded so condescending.

  “I know,” he said with a small nod. “I see that now. But those first few weeks…They were…I don’t even know. I mean, I talked to my mom. She insisted I talk to Pastor Marshal. So I did. And it helped. But even now, I still feel so guilty for ever wishing that. For wishing he was out of your life. Because now that he is…I’d give anything, even my o
wn life, trade him places whatever…Just to have him back. So you wouldn’t have to be going through this.”

  Quinn stared at him, shocked by his confession. “Luke…I would never want to lose you, either.”

  “But you needed him. You don’t need me,” he told her. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “I don’t know why I even brought it up. It’s not like it changes anything.”

  “No,” she said quietly. “It doesn’t. But I’m glad you told me. You needed to get it out. I had no idea you felt like that. But you shouldn’t, Luke. I’d be heartbroken without you, too. And you can’t feel guilty about him being gone. None of us could’ve known what would happen.”

  “I know. But I spent so much of the last two years being angry with him. Almost hating him and wishing he’d just…I don’t know. Go away. God Quinn...those first few days…I felt like I had no right to even be near you. Like this was my fault. Like I didn’t deserve to be around you because I almost felt like I wished this on you.”

  Quinn started to speak but he cut her off.

  “I talked to Mom. Or actually, she talked to me. I mean, she could tell. I think she guessed what was going on in my head. She told me that it would be selfish if I cut myself off from you. I wanted to be with you and I felt so guilty for being with you at the same time. I mean, I wanted to be with you because you’re a friend,” he quickly pointed out. “Mom told me I shouldn’t feel guilty and I shouldn’t pull away because you needed all of the support you could get.”

  “I did,” Quinn admitted. “I needed you. I couldn’t have gotten through it without you, Luke.” She was quiet for a minute, thinking. “Is that why you stayed with me at first? Because you felt guilty? Because you felt obligated to make sure I was okay?”

  He shook his head and sighed. “Why do you do that? Why do you always assume the worst?” He reached over and cupped her cheek in his palm. “I stayed with you because I was worried about you. Because you’ve been my best friend ten times longer than you were my brother’s wife.” A tear trickled down her face and he wiped it away, letting his hand fall back in his lap when he did so.