“It’s just that he’s almost too good to be true, Gran. I don’t believe in perfection and he’s the closet thing to it. He could have anybody and I mean anybody. He’s beautiful, handsome and brilliant, he’s incredible and yet he’s interested in me, it just doesn’t add up.” I lower my gaze feeling embarrassed by my own level of honesty.
“Bethany, you’ve got to stop this. You’ve never had any belief in yourself, you always deny yourself from believing in anything positive. You are a beautiful and remarkably intelligent young woman so why shouldn’t Jake like you? He’s be mad not to. Your father’s kept boys away from you for years; he’s always prevented you from getting close with anyone and this has prevented you from seeing what the rest of the world does, that you’re special and more than worthy of being seen as such.” She places her hands on either side of my face and kisses my forehead.
I’m not sure I really believe in what she’s saying but I decide to let the matter go, mum could walk back in any second now and we need to be off the subject of Jake before then.
Mum goes on to ask if I enjoyed my evening with gran last night and I even manage to surprise myself by how convincing I sound as I lie to her.
We only stay for a couple of hours and then make our way back home. My father’s still working at the bookstore and will be for a few hours so I decide to go on up to the privacy of my bedroom and check my phone. Sure enough I have a new message from Jake which I received an hour ago when I was still at gran’s.
Jake: Hi, Beautiful. Hope you slept ok and that you’re having a good day. I wanted to text you first thing this morning but I didn’t know if it would be safe to or not. I’m working this evening so I won’t be able to text you until I’m back home and that will be pretty late, I bet you’ll be fast asleep by then. I just want you to know that I’m thinking about you and I can’t wait to see you again on Friday. Six more days… xx
I feel myself blushing as I read Jake’s text. I’ve quickly realised that no matter how low my mood is or how alone I feel one message from Jake somehow manages to make me feel better. It’s so good to hear from him and I thank my lucky stars for Jake’s thoughtful initiative which caused him to buy me this phone.
I’m thinking about you too. Actually, I can’t stop. Do you enjoy working in a bar? I guess you get to meet lots of people working somewhere like that. X
I couldn’t help it, I had to ask about his job. I’ve never been in a bar, of course I’ve never had the opportunity but even if I had I’m still not sure it would be a place I’d choose to socialise in. My acquaintances at college used to go out clubbing all the time and I’d hear them talking about it often enough but because I knew it would never be an option for me my curiosity was never that high.
Jake: No, I hate it. I’ve been there for a while so I should be thankful but it isn’t something I want to do long term. One day I’d really like to go back to college or something but right now earning some money is far more important, at least until I can get my own place. Lord knows I can’t stay at home much longer, it’s driving me insane. Xxxx
I could spend all day talking with Jake but I know I need to end the conversation before I get too absorbed in it and make my mum suspicious. She’s never spy on me, she’s not like my father but she could just think its ok to burst into my bedroom and catch me with the phone in my hands.
I make my excuses and switch the phone off before burying at the back of one of my drawers. I still haven’t thought of another hiding place for it. I didn’t sleep much last night so I decide to try and take a nap, not that I can ever sleep during the day but it’s worth a shot.
As I toss and turn I start to reflect on the time when my father caught me to eavesdropping to one of his conversations with mum. I was only six but he showed no leniency even then. He said that I had been caught and that I was sneaky and deceitful for hiding behind the door to overhear adult discussions. I was absolutely terrified and had no idea how he was going to punish me.
My punishment was horrific, I was forced into the corner of my bedroom and I was told to sit facing the wall with my legs crossed. He placed some headphones over my ears and forced me to listen to Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’ for six hours. It’s a dark and chilling piece, especially for a small child and it was on a loop for all of that time. He told me that he had cameras in my bedroom so if I turned away from the wall he would see and he’d then be forced to make me endure it for even more time. I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and spent all day fidgeting and chewing on my nails to take my mind off the fact that I desperately needed to go.
At first I wondered why my mum didn’t come to check on me and then I grew angry when I thought of her downstairs and allowing this to happen to me. I later found out that he had sent her out for the day so she had no idea of what was going on, not that she would have been able to do anything even if she did. I never told my mum about it and I haven’t thought of that day for a long time, I’m not sure why my memory chose to remind me of it now.
My punishments were always so terrible but over the years I learnt how to manipulate and placate him. There’s been nothing like that for several years now and his devotion has only increased as I’ve got older but I’m still filled with dread when I think about what he would do to me if he ever found out about Jake.
I begin to tremble when I consider the horrifying and twisted possibility of my secret ever being discovered. I shake my head trying to rid myself of such dark thoughts and decide to give up on the idea of my nap. It’s never going to happen when I’m wound up like this.
Later that night as I’m about to turn out my bedroom light I decide to sneak out my phone to see if Jake texted me anymore after our conversation this morning.
Jake: Hi, baby. I’m just heading out to work now. God, I really wish I didn’t have to go. There’s no point I can hardly concentrate anyway, all I can think about is you. I won’t be home until at least two in the morning so I decided to text you before I go instead of when I get back. Goodnight, Bethany. I miss you xxx
I notice that Jake sent me that text a couple of hours ago so he’ll already be at work by now. I can’t believe he called me baby. I used to think terms of endearment like that were cheesy and false but I’m not even ashamed to admit that when I hear it from him it made me melt. I’d love it if he were able to call me; it would be amazing to hear his voice. Argh! Why do I continue to torture myself like this? Speaking on the phone with Jake will never be a possibility for me and that’s just something I’m going to have to accept.
The rest of the week goes by really slowly but the days I work in the bookstore are the worst. Those are the days I dread the most because I’m forced to spend so much time with my father.
Right now I’m stood outside of the bookstore waiting for him to unlock the door so we can go outside. He’s searching his pockets and it looks like he can’t even find the flaming things. My teeth are chattering because it’s so cold out here and my hands are clenched deep inside of my pockets as I desperately try to keep warm.
“Found them! I knew they were hiding somewhere.” He grins at me whilst jangling the store’s keys right in front of my face. He lets us into the store and I immediately go behind the counter to switch on the heating. I thought it was cold outside but that was nothing compared to the icy atmosphere in here.
The morning drags by and I spend most of the day watching the clock. Today is Thursday and I always find this day the most excruciating. I think it’s because I know I’ll be seeing Jake again tomorrow, the anticipation and my impatience is overwhelming.
“Do you want a cup of tea or anything, Dad?” I ask, poking my head around the doorway into his office. The last thing I want to do is offer him a cup of tea but he’s always insisted that I ask him if he wants a drink every hour and my time’s up.
“I can’t right now, Bethany. I need you to manage things here by yourself for an hour or two. I need to be somewhere and it’s quite urgent.” He’s already putting on
his coat and I wonder what’s gotten him so spooked, he looks like he’s seen a ghost. He’s never left me alone in the store before. Something must seriously be wrong.
“Is everything ok? It’s not mum, is it?”
“No, it’s nothing like that. I’ll be back in an hour or so.” He hurries out of the office and the next sound I hear is the front door closing behind him.
I glance around the empty space around me; I can hardly believe that he’s left me here by myself. He said the reason he was rushing off has nothing to do with mum so at least I don’t have to worry about it being some sort of emergency that concerns her.
Ten minutes later and I’m still wondering how I can occupy myself with this free time. I have my phone with me but a part of me feels like I’ll be bothering Jake if I actually call him. I decided to bring it with me today because I no longer like to be without it. I know it might be a huge risk but it’s almost like I need to have that connection to Jake with me at all times and if it’s with me then at least I know where it is.
I glance at the door to the bookstore, no one’s been in here for over an hour and the chances of a customer coming in are scarce. I bite down on my bottom lip and mentally weigh up the pros and cons of what I’m about to do. I reconsider it one more time but just the thought of hearing Jake’s voice is enough to convince me that the risk is worth it. I hastily make my way into the office and find my coat which I left hanging up on the back of the door. My father always drapes his over the back of his chair so at least they weren’t touching. I delve into my secret pocket inside my coat and switch on the phone. Adrenaline and excitement cause me to tremble as I type in a message to send to Jake.
Hey, is there any chance that you could call me? Xx
I’m really nervous as I patiently wait for his reply. Thankfully, I don’t have to wait too long and my phone alerts me to a brand new message.
Jake: Of course. Is something wrong? Are you ok?
I can’t help but smile at his concern for me and how soon he responded. I’m not sure if it’s convenient for him to talk and I don’t want to worry him so I decide to type him a reply to reassure him that I’m ok
I’m fine, please don’t worry. Nothing’s happened I just have some free time right now and I thought you could call me if you’re free to talk? X
My phone immediately starts to ring and I experience a surge of euphoria knowing that in a matter of seconds I’ll hear his voice.
“Jake, thanks for calling me.”
“Bethany, are you sure you’re ok? You had me worried there for a second. I thought something was wrong when you asked me to phone. Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, Jake, honestly. I’m by myself in the bookstore, my father left for a couple of hours and that’s something he never does so I thought it was the perfect opportunity for us to talk. You’re sure I’m not bothering you?”
“Of course not, I love the fact that you wanted to talk to me. It’s so great to hear your voice. Thank God it’s Friday tomorrow, I can’t wait to see you.”
“Same here.” There’s an incredibly awkward silence and I start to panic, wondering what I can say next to fill the silence.
“Well, at least we got that over with.” He says softly, chuckling to himself.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“We just had our first awkward silence but don’t worry, we shouldn’t have another one for a while and if we do I’ll just say something silly to make you laugh and we can ignore it.”
I can’t help but be softened by how thoughtful he is to say something like that. He’s instantly put me at ease and I remember every single reason why I’m rapidly falling head over heels for this boy.
“I’m so glad you said that. I feel so much better now.” I tell him truthfully.
“That was my intention, baby.”
Hearing him call me baby is enough to make me tremble and he didn’t even say anything suggestive.
“But just so you know, I don’t plan on having anymore awkward silences with you, Jake.” I didn’t mean for my reply to sound like a come on but that’s exactly what it did sound like. There’s another silence between us but this time it sizzles with electricity and desire.
“Is that a promise?” He responds flirtatiously.
“Definitely.”
“I can’t help but imagine you biting down on that bottom lip of yours right about now. You are, aren’t you?” His voice is throaty and deep, making my insides turn into jelly.
Out of nowhere the image of Jake whispering seductive things into my ear whilst he’s on top of me suddenly enters my mind. I have no idea where it came from and I can feel myself blushing at the explicit nature of my thoughts.
“I tend to do that a lot, especially when I’m nervous but I’m sure that you would be able to make me do it whilst I’m feeling something else too.” This time there’s a really long pause and for a moment I start to wonder if he’s still on the line but then I hear his laboured breathing and I smile to myself as I consider the possibility that my comment might have rendered him speechless.
“Seriously, hearing you talk like that, especially when I can’t see you is like a brand new and inventive way of torture that you’ve purely designed for me. You have no idea how badly I want you, Bethany.”
“I’m sorry, should I stop?” I ask him, trying my hardest to keep any trace of excitement out of my voice. I can scarcely deny the ripple of euphoria that’s coursing through me to know that I have such a powerful affect on Jake.
“Please don’t.” He begs me.
I can hear his heavy breathing down the other end of the phone and even though it’s impossible I swear I can almost feel it against my skin.
“I don’t know what’s happening to me, I’ve never… I’ve never felt like this before.”
“That’s unbelievably amazing to know. I’d give anything to be right there with you, Bethany. I just don’t know how wise it is for you to be saying these things to me over the phone.”
“Why’s that?” I ask him.
“Because so many images of you keep running through my mind, they’re going to be playing over and over in my mind until I see you again tomorrow night and even then I probably won’t be able to forget what you just said, about you biting down on that bottom lip of yours whilst I’m doing unspeakable things to you. The picture of that will permanently stay locked in my mind.”
“Wow, I now have no idea what to say.” I admit breathlessly.
“You haven’t got the faintest idea, have you?”
“About what?”
“About how crazy beautiful you are.” All of his playful joking has gone and I know he’s being entirely serious.
I open my mouth to say something but realise I can’t. I’m speechless. How does any girl respond to something like that, especially when it’s sincerely meant?
“If that’s true then why haven’t you kissed me yet?” I challenge him.
“Because I’m an idiot, I’m a fool and a complete waste of space but I plan on changing that tomorrow night, if that’s ok with you?”
“That’s more than ok with me.” I reassure him.
“Thank God for that. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can wait. I need to taste you with my mouth, Bethany.”
“Oh… wow. I-I really need to go now, Jake.” I’m practically panting with an excruciating amount of desire for him and I seriously need to get off the phone before I beg him to do something I’ll later be embarrassed about.
“Ok, Bethany. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
My mouth falls open and I frown at the phone, feeling puzzled. How can he seem so calm and composed? A few moments ago I thought he was as turned on as I am.
“Bye, Jake.”
We both hang up at the same time and I’m left feeling self-conscious and a little humiliated. Doubts fill my mind again but I try to shake them off. I need to get the phone back in my pocket before my father gets back. We were only on the phone a few minutes but it
’s better to be safe than sorry.
Just as I’m about to switch my phone off I get a text message from Jake.
Jake: Sorry if I sounded a little cold just then. My mum was hovering and I didn’t want her to overhear anything we were talking about. I never knew my girl would like to tease me so badly. I don’t know whether I should kiss you or torture you some more myself. I’ll see you tomorrow, gorgeous and here’s some kisses until then xxxxxxx
I can’t believe he called me his girl. A part of me truly loves all of the lavish attention he’s bestowing upon me but another part is still a little hesitant. All of this is moving so fast, it’s all so intense. I don’t know whether to run away or cling onto him. Either way, I know it’s going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. I guess all I can really do is hold on tight.
Chapter Eight
I’m desperate to see him again tonight. I thought the phone call we had yesterday would have helped but instead it’s only made me crave him even more. Since I spoke to him I’ve been so restless, I haven’t been able to think of anything but him and I can’t even begin to describe how it feels to know that I’ll be seeing him in less than an hour. It’s exhilarating, thrilling, mind-blowing and terrifying all rolled into one. I never knew I could experience such a heady rush of emotions and yet here I am an absolute cliché of somebody who is head over heels in lust for a guy I hardly know.
I told mum I’m visiting gran again tonight. She isn’t happy about it but I refuse to concern myself with that right now. I’m nervous enough as it is about meeting Jake tonight. That phone conversation we had has left me feeling so wound up. I’m torn between wanting to avoid his gaze all evening and begging him to kiss me. I have no idea which side of me will win.
My father left the house like he always does and I’m glad to say that he didn’t seem to suspect anything. He still has no idea about me leaving the house on Friday nights. I guess I must be a better liar than I give myself credit for.
Always & Forever Page 11
