The hours tick by so slowly. He still isn’t home and neither is my mum. It’s dark outside and the wind is howling in the trees outside of my bedroom window. I haven’t moved from the spot I’ve been sitting in on my bed for the last three hours. For some reason I can’t find the courage to leave my room. My fear doesn’t even make any sense because I’m no safer in here than I am anywhere else in the house.
Another hour goes by.
And another.
And another.
And another.
When it finally reaches midnight I decide enough is enough. I consider making my way over to gran’s so I can stay with her for the night but I really don’t want to have to walk there at this time of night. I suppose I could phone a taxi and get gran to pay the fare once I arrive. The possibilities race through my mind but I know that one thing is for certain, I am not spending the night here in this house by myself.
What about Jake? My subconscious speaks to me and I freeze. Should I call him? Would it be selfish of me to burden him with all of this? At this point I’m not sure I have any other option. I’m so desperate and afraid; I need Jake’s warmth and reassurances more than ever. He’s probably at work, he might not even be able to hear his phone or he might have left it at home. All of these unwelcome thoughts spring to mind as I weigh up the pros and cons of phoning him but in the end I realise that there’s nothing else I can do. I don’t want to wake gran at this time of night and Jake has told me so many times to call him if I ever need any help.
Jake’s the only contact I have in my phonebook which I’m thankful for, it means I don’t have to scroll through an endless list of names to reach him. I’m just about to press the call button when I hear the sound of the front door opening downstairs. As quick as lightening I switch off my phone and bury it beneath some clothes in my drawer.
I try to be silent as I turn my bedroom light off and climb underneath the covers. I don’t doubt for one second that my father will check up on me and my safest bet is to pretend that I’m fast asleep.
I’m shaking and absolutely petrified but try to remain calm and will my body to relax. If I so much as move he’ll know that I’m trying to avoid talking to him and he’ll have every reason to be suspicious.
His heavy footsteps on the stairs are my cue. I turn my face away from the door so that I’m facing the wall and hope to God he will leave me alone.
The noise my bedroom door makes as it opens will always remain with me. I wish I could erase it from my memory but I don’t think I ever will. He stands by the side of my bed for the longest time; I can hear him breathing heavily and the anticipation of what he’s going to do next is unbearable.
“Bethany, I know you’re awake.” His announcement fills me with dread and I realise that I never should have underestimated him. There’s no way he would believe I’d just go straight to bed, all these years I’ve thought I could manipulate him when the truth is, he’s probably been able to read me all along.
“Where’s Mum?” I ask him, sitting up in bed. The bedroom light is still off so all I can see is his silhouette in the darkness.
“Your mother disobeyed me today and she knows how disappointed I am in her but I have to admit, I’m not too happy with you either, Bethany.”
I close my eyes against the darkness; this is what I feared the most. His punishment for me will be beyond anything I’ve endured before.
“Did I do something wrong?” My voice betrays me and wobbles, revealing the true extent of my fear for him.
“As far as I’m concerned you did. I’m just curious… were you going to tell me that your mother left the house this afternoon or were you going to keep it from me?” He lowers himself onto my bed and my hands clench underneath the covers. I don’t want him anywhere near me, it’s made even worse by the fact that I can hardly see him.
“I wouldn’t keep anything from you, Dad.” I lie.
“The problem is, Bethany. I don’t believe you.” He’s so cold and detached, all of the devotion he once felt for me has vanished and in its place is a cruel and merciless thirst for revenge.
I’m about to reply when he suddenly grabs on to both of my arms, gripping them firmly between his fingers. I cry out in pain and discomfort as I try to free myself from him. My struggle only encourages him to use more force and the torturous hold he has on me is insufferable.
“Dad, you’re hurting me. Please let me go.” I plead with him.
“You’re pathetic! You’re no match for me, girl. You never were! I thought you were different, I thought you and I understood one another, all of this time I thought we were the same… but now I know. I know all about your treachery and your deceit.”
The fury in his eyes resembles a crazy inferno. He’s never directed so much hatred upon me before and I’m horrified to learn that he knows everything. Mum must have panicked and confessed everything to him about me spending the last few Friday nights away from home.
The angry tears start to flow when his strong hands clench around me, causing even more pain. Its agony, I feel like my skin will tear at any moment. I whimper and I beg him to let go but realise that all hopes of reasoning with him have gone. He knows. As far as he’s concerned I’m guilty of the ultimate betrayal, I’ve deceived him. In the end it was so easy for him to uncover the truth.
“What treachery? What deceit?” I have to find out what he’s talking about.
“I know you were going to lie for her and cheat me. I know you had no intention of telling me where she went. You were going to keep it from me and now I know where your true loyalty lies. If I ever find out that you’ve kept anything else from me I swear to God I’ll make you sorry. You have no idea; you have no idea about the ways I can make you suffer. If you ever disobey me again I promise I will make you pay, do you understand me?” He brings his face closer to mine which causes his saliva to make contact with my face.
When I fail to respond to him, he violently squeezes the sensitive skin of my upper arms and I bite down on my tongue to stop myself from screaming.
“I understand. I’m sorry.” I whimper, hating myself for giving into him and for being so terribly weak. However, there’s such a huge part of me that is so relieved he doesn’t seem to know about where I’ve been going every Friday. All he knows is the fact that I was going to protect mum this afternoon and conceal from him the fact that she got called into the charity store.
“Good. You really don’t want to disappoint me again, not if you know what’s good for you.” He twists the soft skin on the inside of my arms before finally releasing his ruthless grasp. He storms out of my bedroom and slams the door behind him.
I wait several minutes until I hear the front door close downstairs. I’ve no idea where he would be going at this time of night but to be honest, I don’t care. I’d give anything for him not to come back, imagining all of the horrible things that could happen to him provides me with some sort of comfort. He could be hit by a car, he could have a heart attack and collapse, he could upset the wrong person with his bad temper and he could be left for dead at the side of the road. The numerous possibilities run through my head and I start to wonder what’s happened to me, I must be evil to find comfort in the thought of my own father dying?
I don’t know how long I wait in bed but eventually I leave my room in search of mum. He must have brought her back with him. I gently knock on her bedroom door and when there’s no answer I slowly push it open.
I find the bedroom empty and decide to check downstairs instead. The living room is unoccupied and I’m just about to make my way back up the stairs when I hear a noise coming from the kitchen. My cautious steps take me forward and I see her. She’s standing over the kitchen sink looking desolate and heartbroken.
“Mum, are you ok? I’m so sorry, what did he do to you? Are you alright? Did he hurt you?”
She won’t look at me. She continues to stare out of the window into the bleak and dismal night. The only reason I can see her face at all is be
cause of the reflection on the window in front of us.
I’m certain she won’t answer me and I don’t know what to do to get her to communicate. I try placing my hands on her shoulders, wanting her to look at me but her body is like a statue. She refuses to move.
“It’s ok, Bethany. I’m alright.” She mumbles softly.
“You’re not. What did he do to you, Mum?”
“Nothing, he did nothing.” Her face is blank and her voice impassive, it’s as though she’s now without any human emotion which makes me wonder what he’s done to her.
“Stop protecting him! Where have you been all this time?” I ask, persisting in my questioning.
“He turned up at the charity store, demanding that I leave with him. It was horrible, it was so humiliating. He dragged me out of the shop in front of everyone and… and I’m not allowed to go back there again.”
“Oh, Mum. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to tell him where you were but I had no choice, if I lied for you it would have only made it worse. You know how he is.”
“I know, Bethany. It’s alright, I don’t blame you.” It’s like she’s reading from a script, she doesn’t even sound like my mum. It’s terrifying to see her like this.
“But where have you been all this time? You’ve been out for hours.”
“I’m going to go to bed, I’m so tired.” She closes her eyes and turns away from me.
“Mum, please.” I implore her to confide in me. I want more than anything to be there for her. I’ll support her no matter what, if only she would let me.
“Goodnight, Bethany.”
She leaves me alone in the kitchen. The only sound to be heard is that of the refrigerator and I’ve never felt more isolated or alone. I’m once again faced with the horrific understanding that I am trapped with this man for life. There’s no escape, there’s no freedom and no parole from this merciless prison I’m incarcerated in.
Feeling weak and utterly exhausted, I crumble to the floor. I can’t keep doing this, living every single day with a man I loathe is exhausting. I’m tired of playing Irene to his Soames. I hate every single minute of my miserable existence with him and I always have. The terrible truth is that there’s no divorce from me and my father. How do you separate yourself from your parents when they created you? When they believe they have every right to be a part of your life and have some say in the choices you make and the obstacles you face.
I wearily make my way upstairs, he’s still not home, I have no clue where he is but I pray to God he will never come back.
Making my way into the bathroom, I stand in front of the mirror and remove my T-shirt. I gasp when I see the state of my arms and what he’s done to me. There’s bruising all over me, five large fingerprints on both of my arms. They look even more repugnant because of the great contrast to my fair skin. I look away in disgust and hastily put my T-shirt back on.
How could he do this to me? He claims to love me but if that were true he would never be capable of doing this. I lie in bed for hours, tossing and turning as I contemplate everything that happened this evening. I’ve been so foolish, I’ve been so stupid to believe that I could ever have anything different than this miserable relationship with my father.
Despite the horrors that have taken place tonight my final thought before I enter a restless sleep is of Jake. I picture his chocolate brown eyes and his confident smile, the one that dazzled me from the beginning. He’s the only source of comfort within this wretched institution I call my home. I am trapped; this is my hell on earth that I must endure, always and forever.
Chapter Eleven
I’ve told no one about the night he came into my room, not my mum, not gran and certainly not Jake. My arms are covered in bruises and so tender. I can hardly believe the amount of force he inflicted upon me. At night I hate to undress because I’m reminded what he did as soon as I see the bruises. They’re repulsive to me and the fact that he marked my body makes me despise him more than I ever have, something I didn’t even think was possible.
The thought of going away with him is repugnant and I’m filled with dread whenever I allow myself to think about it. We’re scheduled to go in a little over three weeks time and I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to cope if I’m forced to leave with him.
All week he’s chosen to ignore me, if I walk into a room he walks out of it. I thought I would have been grateful but his silence unnerves me, I have no idea what he’s thinking or what his plans for me will be and I certainly never thought I’d long for things to be how they once were.
Mum’s still refusing to say anything about what he did to her that night. All I know is that they were out for hours and when she returned she was unrecognisable. I’ve tried on numerous occasions to get her to open up to me but nothing seems to work. My heart broke for her when my father wouldn’t allow her to go to the charity store this week. She told me he had said she wouldn’t be going back there on the night I found her in the kitchen but to actually see it happen was painful. Mum loved that charity shop, it was her only connection to the outside world and I know she made some great friends there, friends she’ll probably never see again.
As Friday night approaches I become more and more afraid that my father will decide to stay home. He doesn’t trust either of us anymore so I can’t see him choosing to go out and leaving us unsupervised.
The days I work in the bookstore are particularly unpleasant. Now that he doesn’t trust me my father observes my every move. His malevolent treatment of me is excruciating but the possibility of seeing Jake on Friday pulls me through.
Jake still checks up on me every day, he texts me first thing in the morning and last thing at night before I go to bed. My replies have been brief but I hope they’ve been enough to convince him that everything’s ok. If he suspects that I’m keeping something from him he won’t let it go, he’ll insist that I tell him and that’s the last thing I want. If Jake knew about what my father did to me he’d be distraught… and furious.
When my father goes out on Friday night I can hardly believe it. I was almost certain that he’d stay home to keep an eye on me this week.
I hastily put on my on my shoes and grab my jacket as soon as he leaves. I have to get out of here, I’ve been suffocated by this house all week and now is the time for me to escape, even if it is just for a couple of hours.
“Bethany, where are you going?” My mum steps into the hall and places her hand on my wrist before I manage to open the front door.
“I’m going to gran’s. We’ve already discussed this, Mum.”
“But I never thought you would still plan on going after everything that happened last week.”
“Why did you think that?” I snap at her angrily.
“You know your father; look at what he’s done to me. My life is here now, trapped within this house. I don’t want the same to happen to you.” She looks at me imploringly, begging me not to go.
“I’m already trapped! My existence begins and ends within this house. I’m only allowed to work in the book store or visit gran. You really think that’s freedom? You really think this is a good life for me?” I yell at her.
“Of course not but I can’t change anything. I wish I could.”
“You can! You can let me leave now. I’m begging you, Mum.” I take hold of her hand that was wrapped around my wrist and squeeze it tightly, pleading with her to listen to me.
“If he finds out he will punish us both and I can’t bring myself to think what that punishment would be.” She whispers softly whilst trembling with fear.
“I don’t want to do this to you but I have no choice. I’m going.” I turn away from her and open the front door.
“Bethany…”
“What?” I whirl around and throw my arms up in frustration.
“Have a nice time.” She gives me a pointed look and for one moment I wonder if she’s suspicious, if she knows there’s something I’m not telling her.
Realising the time, I
turn my back on the house I’ve now come to hate and set off in the direction that will lead me to Jake. This past week has been so horrendous; I can scarcely believe I’m on my way to meet him.
When I’m nearly at our meeting place I suddenly become aware of the fact that I’ve received no message from him. Jake normally texts me as soon as he arrives and I haven’t heard from him since this morning. I’m longing to see him so much, it would be just my luck if something prevents him from coming tonight.
It actually takes me a few moments to come to terms with the fact that Jake’s not there. I’ve become so used to him waiting for me; it hurts to see an empty space where Jake’s normally waiting. He could just be running late or he might have got delayed, I consider the possibility of this whilst I type out a message to him asking where he is.
The minutes tick by and eventually my anxiety starts to take over, if Jake really is just running late then why hasn’t he let me know? He always lets me know when he’s on his way so I’m sure he would have the decency to tell me if he wasn’t able to show. He texted me this morning and told me that he couldn’t wait to see me later on tonight so where the hell is he? If anything’s happened to him I won’t be able to cope, what would I do? In such a short space of time he’s become the most important person in my life and I’m now unable to imagine a world without him in it.
This past week with my father has been so awful. I can’t go through all that again, I need to see Jake first. I’ve taken such a huge risk by sneaking out tonight, if my father decides to come home early and finds out the truth then I won’t be able to come and meet him next week. This could be the last time I ever see Jake and he’s not even here.
I glance up and down the street one final time before deciding to sit down on the pavement and wait. The road in front of me is quiet, it always is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single car drive by since Jake and I have been meeting here. Remembering the night we first met makes me smile, I was really rude to Jake that night and he was so lovely to me. The memory makes me ache with sadness. We’ve spent such little time together, surely this can’t be it? If anything’s happened to him I don’t think I’ll have the strength to survive. I just know that something’s wrong because this isn’t like him. He wouldn’t do this to me, he’s wouldn’t be so thoughtless.
Always & Forever Page 16
