Deciding that enough’s enough, I reach for my phone. The only thing I can do now is call Jake and pray that he answers. I’m just about to press the call button when I hear someone calling my name.
“Bethany? Is that really you?”
I instantly recognise that voice but can’t quite place it; this causes me to jump up in fear as I peer through the darkness. A tall silhouette approaches me and it’s only when he steps underneath a streetlamp that I realise who it is.
“Bethany? It is you, isn’t it? I can’t believe this! How are you?”
“Callum!” My exclamation is joyful and animated. It’s been two years since we last saw one another and the fact that he’s standing in front of me right now is astonishing.
Callum was a great friend of mine in college; he took me under his wing and introduced me to his large group of friends. They seemed to accept me but I have to admit that I was more comfortable when it was just the two of us. I was devastated when my father made me leave just a few months before I would have completed my second and final year. I had even thought about going on to University but he brought an end to all that, He forced me to leave without warning and I never even got the opportunity to say goodbye to my friend.
My father saw me with Callum when he decided to meet me one day after I finished college. He was waiting for me when he spotted us together. It was completely innocent and we were only talking but none of that seemed to matter to my father, he’d already decided that I wouldn’t be returning to college the next day.
I was an absolute mess when he told me. He knew what he was doing when he decided to take away my one bit of happiness. My one piece of independence was snatched away from me and I didn’t even have a say in the matter. In a perfect world I would have just told him to go to hell but from a young age I learnt what the consequences would be if I disobeyed him.
He tried to explain it to me; he said that it was for my own good and that I was to stay at home until he figured out what I was to do next. I remember him saying that it was impossible for a girl like me to have a platonic friendship with a boy. He told me that such things were inevitable and that Callum would eventually want more. I remember him saying that guys like Callum only wanted one thing from me and it was his job to see that he would never get it. I was so appalled and furious with him for saying such despicable things. None of it was true but I already knew that it was pointless to argue with him.
I really wanted to see Callum one last time. I felt like I needed to explain things to him and I was desperate to say goodbye. Of course that never happened; Callum and I had never been to each other’s houses due to the strict rules and regulations that were already in place by my father.
I never really confided in Callum about my home life, I wanted to keep that part of my life separate and when I was at college all I wanted to do was forget. He thought it so strange that I didn’t have my own phone or private email address and after I was forced to leave I spent so much of my time hating myself for never asking him for his number. I knew it would have been a huge risk to call him but I would have done anything to explain my sudden disappearance.
My friendship with Callum was over and there was nothing I could do about it. I’ve often thought about him since I left and if I’m being honest, I still carry some guilt for the way things transpired between us. I’ve spent so many nights wondering what he must have thought about me after I left. I didn’t say goodbye or provide him with an explanation. A part of me is still afraid that he must hate me.
“I can’t believe it’s really you, how long has it been since we last saw one another? It must have been two years. Wow, has it really been that long?” He continues to fire questions at me, closing the distance between us by pulling me into his embrace.
I breathe in his familiar scent and enjoy the comfort of his strong arms wrapped around me. I never thought I would see this boy again and I don’t think I’ve realised until this moment just have much I’ve missed him. I can’t believe he’s actually here.
“Yes, it must have been two years. God, this is crazy, Callum. The fact that I’m talking to you is crazy!”
“It’s unbelievable; I never thought I’d see you again and yet here you are standing right in front of me, you look amazing, Bethany.”
I can’t help the inevitable rush of colour to my cheeks, especially when Callum reaches out and tucks a stray piece of my hair behind my ear. His touch is so soft and surprisingly intimate; the gesture takes me by surprise.
“Thank you for the compliment but I look exactly the same as I did two years ago. You look great though, Callum. You look really well.” I tell him honestly.
I can’t help but notice how attractive he is. He always was and I wasn’t the only girl in college who noticed. He still has the same dirty blond hair and the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. His height is far greater than mine; he must be about the same height at Jake which is around six feet.
“Stop it. You’re beautiful and you always were. You look incredible.” His eyes wander all the way down my body and back up again. His obvious admiration should make me feel uncomfortable, I should feel objectified. Except his perusal didn’t elicit such a reaction from me and that’s what I find so disconcerting.
“I really don’t.” I argue.
“You still have no idea, do you?”
I glance up at him and notice the solemn expression on his face, deciding to change the subject and divert us away from anything inappropriate I blurt out the first thing that comes into my head.
“So what have you been up to? Are you at Uni?”
He pauses a moment before answering and I have a strange feeling that he’s desperate to say something else to me.
“Yeah, I’m in my second year now, studying Law. Its hard work but I really enjoy it; the social side is pretty great too.”
“Callum, that’s wonderful. I always knew you’d make it, are you on holiday right now? Is that why you’re here?”
“No, in the end I decided to stay close to home and I now share a house with some of my classmates. I still get to be independent but know I can come home if things get a bit much sometimes. I also get my washing done for me which is a bonus.” He dazzles me with a playful grin but I just can’t reciprocate his exuberance. I’m still so worried about Jake, there’s been no response from him and I’m convinced that something awful has happened.
“What made you decide to stay here? You always wanted to go away to University; it was all you ever talked about. You couldn’t wait to leave this place.” It’s true. Callum’s greatest ambition was to move away, he said he’d feel stifled if he stayed too close to home. London was his dream and I can’t believe he didn’t make it happen, it’s not like him.
“Things change. Plans get altered and friends lose touch, you should know what I’m talking about.” He gives me a pointed look, forcing me to avert my gaze from his penetrating glare.
“I suppose I do have a few things to explain to you.” I mumble quietly.
“Yeah, you do. I can’t believe you would really do that to me. Bethany, why did you leave like that? I had no idea you even wanted to quit college. Why didn’t you tell me? Did I not deserve an explanation or at least a goodbye? I thought we were friends and you just disappeared. You didn’t show up to any of your classes and I nearly went insane from worrying about you. I was a mess.”
“Callum, I’m so sorry. I really am.”
“I don’t want your apologies; just tell me why you did it. Did I do something wrong?” He asks me, close to despair.
“Of course not. It didn’t have anything to do with you.” How can I even begin to explain to him what happened?
“If it had nothing to do with me then I demand you tell me the truth. I’ve waited too long to hear this, Bethany. Let’s go somewhere, there’s a Costa nearby and we can talk there.”
“No, let’s stay here. Sit down and I’ll explain everything.” I motion for him to take a seat at the side of the road, wh
ere I was sitting right before he first saw me.
He looks perplexed but acquiesces and joins me when I sit down. I check my phone one more time, notice that it’s low on battery and that there’s still nothing from Jake. Where on earth can he be?
“You finally got one of those things.” Callum nods his head towards my mobile and I smile, remembering all of the times he would beg me to get one so he could stay in touch with me outside of college.
“A friend bought it for me, it was about time.” I chuckle half-heartedly.
“So… you’re saying that I had nothing to do with the reason you left?” He prompts me.
“That’s right.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? Why didn’t you say goodbye to me and why did you just disappear?” His jaw’s clenched and his gaze is relentless. He won’t rest until I tell him the truth.
Every single part of me is anxious to find Jake, to hurry home so I can charge my phone and wait to hear from him. I need to know that he’s alright but the least I owe Callum is an explanation, I can’t walk away from this.
“My father made me leave, Callum. I didn’t have a choice in the matter.”
“Your father? Why would he make you leave when you were so close to completing your second and final year?”
I sigh with resignation. Throughout my two year friendship with Callum I never once opened up to him about my home life. College was my escape, the one place I could go to forget. The last thing I wanted was to spend my time talking about my miserable existence.
“It’s hard to explain.” I say hopelessly.
“Try. I need to know what happened, Bethany. I thought you were sick at first, for a whole week I convinced myself you were ill and that’s why you were staying at home. After a second week went by I spoke to one of your teachers, hoping to find out how you were and what was going on. I was so worried about you; I couldn’t sleep or concentrate on work or anything, it was awful. Can you imagine how much it hurt to find out that you’d left college from a member of staff? Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to leave? Did you think I’d be mad? If I’d have known I would have accepted your decision, I wouldn’t have been angry; all I would have asked from you is to stay in touch.”
The anguish in Callum’s voice hurts. It hurts me to hear how badly I let him down and sitting beside him right now hurts because it’s forcing me to remember how close we once were and how important he was to me.
“I’m going to try and explain this but it’s not going to be easy. There are a lot of things you don’t know, things I never told you and my one regret is that I didn’t confide in you more. If I had then you wouldn’t have spent so much time trying to figure out why I would abandon you or our friendship. I was telling you the truth when I said my father was the one who made me leave. I didn’t have a choice, Callum, I swear I didn’t. I begged him to reconsider but it was pointless, once his mind’s made up there’s no changing it. I thought about coming to see you after I left, I thought about waiting for you at the end of the day outside of college but I was too much of a coward. I thought you’d be angry with me or worse… that you wouldn’t really care. I am so sorry if you’ve thought badly about me all this time. Your friendship was important to me and I’ll never forget it.” I wait for him to process everything I’ve just said.
The silence between us seems to go on forever and I wonder if Callum will choose to believe what I’m saying, all this time he thought I didn’t care about him or his feelings and I can’t imagine how let down he must have felt. The guilt of it will eat away at me for a very long time. He was my friend and my absence caused him pain, it doesn’t matter if I didn’t mean to hurt him or not, it still happened.
“I always knew something wasn’t right. I wanted you to confide in me but it never seemed like the right time. God, I wish I could have helped you, Bethany. I’d have done anything for you, you know that. I still would…”
I freeze when his fingers start to trace a line down the side of my face; his touch is so reassuring and safe. It’s exactly what I need right now and I can’t help myself when I lean in towards him. I’m so worried about Jake, my anxiety is turning into fear and having Callum here is providing me with such comfort.
“I didn’t want to burden you with my problems; it was just easier for me not to say anything.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry. I wish I could have been there for you.” He gently tilts my chin up to look at him and I hold my breath, unable to stop him.
“It’s ok. It was a long time ago.” I free myself from his hold and avert my gaze to the ground, chastising myself for my body’s reaction to him.
“I’m guessing your father never gave you my letter.” He whispers sadly.
“You wrote to me? How is that even possible? You didn’t know where I lived.”
I kept my address from Callum because I was always scared he would turn up one day wanting to see me. I kept our friendship a secret from my father for as long as I could because I knew he would put a stop to it if he found out.
“I tried pestering the receptionist at college for your address but she refused. She told me she would be fired if she was ever caught giving out a student’s personal details to another student. I begged her so many times to change her mind but it never worked. She knew you and I were friends but she still couldn’t put her job on the line by breaking the rules. In the end she must have had pity on me because she told me where your father’s bookstore was. God knows how she knew that; maybe it was on your file or maybe she’d been in there herself and saw you one day, I don’t know. As soon as I knew the location of the store, I went there. I was so desperate to see you again; my plan was to go by there every week after college, that way I figured I’d eventually bump into you. I suppose you could say I always had a horrible suspicion about your father, you never mentioned him or you’d tense up as soon as I asked you a question about him and I guess that’s why I never chose to confront him in the beginning. I’d see him inside the store but I never asked him about you.”
“What days did you come by the bookstore?” I ask.
“Every Friday, as soon as I’d finished college.”
“That’s why you never saw me; I don’t work in the bookstore on Friday’s.”
“Are you serious? Fuck… talk about ill-timing.”
“But you said that you wrote to me?” I prompt him.
“I wrote to you several times, asking how you were and why you had left so suddenly. I begged you to tell me if I had done something wrong or if I’d upset you. I posted all of the letters to the bookstore because I still didn’t know where you lived. I wasn’t even sure if you still cared about me but my pride refused to let me give up. Sometimes I’d just write to you to talk like we used to, I’d tell you all about college and what everyone was up to. I missed you so much, Bethany. I was lost without my friend. After several months I realised I needed to let you go but before I sent my final letter I worked up enough courage to speak to your father.”
“What? Please tell me you didn’t.”
“I did. I came by the bookstore again one Friday night after I’d finished college and asked to speak to you. He told me that you had no interest in me; that you had received all of my letters and thrown them away. He said that I should leave you alone if I knew what was good for me or he’d call the police and report me for harassment. I wasn’t afraid of him but the devastation of knowing you didn’t care about me anymore was unbearable. I couldn’t do it anymore; I couldn’t spend every single moment waiting to hear from you, waiting for a reply that was never going to come. I was behind at college, I could hardly concentrate when I was there and my work was really slipping.”
“Callum, is that why you didn’t go away for Uni? You didn’t get the grades?” I already know the answer but don’t want to believe that I’m the reason for messing up Jake’s education. I won’t be able to carry the guilt.
“It was my fault; there’s no one to blame but myself.” He says
resolutely.
“I don’t know what to say, I feel awful.” I say truthfully.
“Bethany, stop it. It’s not your fault. I’m the idiot who stopped going to classes and neglected his coursework. I just couldn’t shake the idea of you, I became obsessed by it and in the end there was a price to pay.”
I exhale slowly and try to remain calm. I can’t believe my father would stoop so low, how could he be so malicious and spiteful? Actually, I can believe it. He’s capable of much worse and I should never be surprised by the lengths that he will go to. He’ll do everything in his power to control every single aspect of my life.
“You know that I never received any of those letters, don’t you?” I knew that Callum valued our friendship, he always told me how special I was to him but I never thought he would try so hard to stay in touch with me once he thought I no longer cared.
“Of course I know that now. I saw the look of disbelief on your face when I told you about them; it’s obvious that you had no idea about them.” He drags his fingers through his blond hair. He looks so desolate and disheartened.
My own heart is screaming at me to reach out for him, to comfort him and tell him that everything will be ok now that we know the truth.
“I’m just so glad that we managed to run into each other tonight. I’m thankful that you now know the reason behind my leaving. It had nothing to do with you. None of it was your fault.” I smile at him, hoping to bring some optimism to our dismal discussion but Callum’s expression remains sombre and dark.
“I just wish that I would have known the truth two years ago. If I’d have known about your father I might have been able to help you.”
“Look, it’s in the past now. Let’s try and move on. There’s no point living with regrets.”
Always & Forever Page 17
