Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  The resolute expression on his face is enough to convince me that he means what he says. I start to pace back and forth, wondering how on earth I can persuade him to leave. He’s somehow managed to place himself right in front of the door and my exit out of here.

  “Jake, I don’t know what my gran told you but whatever she said… please don’t worry about it. It’s all in the past, he adores me now and I can promise you that he won’t hurt me.”

  I really hate lying to Jake but if he knew what happened to me last week he will never let me return home.

  “What about what he did to you when you were fourteen? You think I’ve forgotten what you told me? What he did when he found out about that guy you were planning to meet at the cinema. I don’t want to discuss this, Bethany. I’m not leaving without you. I planned on telling you yesterday but you took off on me before I had a chance. You’re coming home with me and that’s final.”

  “You can’t tell me what to do, Jake. I’m not a child.”

  I glance at the clock behind me which shows that we have ten minutes until he’s due back here.

  “Bethany, I told you I would pick you up and carry you out of here if I have to. You really want to test me on that?”

  There’s so much confidence in his promise. I grit my teeth, trying to prevent myself from saying something I’ll later regret. He looks so arrogant and self-assured. I study his broad frame which is still blocking my way back into the store.

  “Look, he won’t hurt me Jake. I have my phone and you know that I’ll call you if anything happens. Gran gave you my address, right? So you now know where I live. That makes me a hell of a lot safer than I was last night when you didn’t have a clue where I was.”

  He continues to glare at me and I avert my gaze, feeling uncomfortable. I can’t believe he’s doing this to me.

  “My mind is made up.” He argues.

  “Jake, I’m stronger now and I’m no longer a child. He can’t hurt me anymore.”

  Thank God I never told him about my father’s loathsome treatment of me lately. One day I hope Jake will forgive me for lying to him.

  “I’m not happy about this at all. I don’t understand how you feel safe enough to go back there.”

  “Please, let’s just go back into the store. Jake, I’m begging you.”

  He finally decides to take notice and responds to the anxiety in my voice. He steps aside from the doorway and I hurry past him. I’ve almost made it when he grabs my elbow, spinning me around to face him.

  “Just leave with me, Bethany. Please...” His eyes are begging me to listen to him and I admit that a huge part of me wants to.

  “I can’t, Jake. It’s too soon. Please understand what I’m saying and believe me when I tell you that I’m safe. I promise you.”

  He opens his mouth to protest when we’re interrupted by the sound of the shop door opening behind us. I whirl around and come face to face with my father. My body automatically starts to tremble, I feel as though I’m experiencing my very worst nightmare. Of course Jake notices my terror and immediately takes a step forward, positioning himself in front of me.

  Jake has finally come face to face with my father.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The three of us remain frozen, staring at one another. I can barely breathe, I’m so frightened. Jake and I are standing in such close proximity to one another, I’m sure my father will instinctively know that something’s going on between us. His cold blue eyes bore into us both and I’m suddenly convinced that he really does know everything.

  “Can I help you?” My father asks.

  I’m taken aback by his question. I expected a verbal attack and instead he’s asking Jake what he can do for him. Does he really think that Jake is just a customer? Jake’s hands curl into fists and I close my eyes, praying that he won’t do anything stupid.

  “I was just helping this gentleman; he has an enquiry about a particular book he’s looking for.” I lie, trying to keep all signs of my escalating fear out of my voice.

  “I’ll deal with this, Bethany. It’s not like you will be capable of offering any assistance.”

  “Ok.” I acquiesce, avoiding his glare.

  I notice Jake recoil at the sound of my father’s tone. The manner in which he spoke to me certainly doesn’t coincide with what I’ve been telling Jake. I sadly realise that my days of being able to fool him are over. I can feel the immense rage and anger radiating from Jake as he forces himself to suppress his rapidly increasing fury towards my father. I want to reach out and touch him, to reassure him that it’s ok but all I can do is stand beside him feeling helpless.

  “Well? What exactly were you looking for?” My father asks him, making his way behind the counter.

  I realise I’ll be expected to join him and reluctantly tear myself away from Jake’s side to join him. My father’s manner comes across as arrogant and rude; it always has and today is no exception. Jake’s eyes stare ferociously into the back of my father’s head as he turns his back on us to hang up his coat. He’s completely oblivious to Jake’s fury and I hope it stays that way.

  I try my best to make eye contact with Jake but he’s entirely focused on watching my father’s every move.

  “Please don’t.” I silently mouth to him when he finally settles his gaze back on me. The anxious expression on my face must resonate with him because he slowly nods his head at me in understanding. He’s letting me know that he won’t say anything, at least not this time.

  “Forget it.” Jake snaps before turning away. He angrily marches over to the shop door but suddenly stops and turns around. With a savage look on his face, he once again narrows his eyes at my father.

  “You should know that your daughter was extremely helpful and very amiable when helping me with my enquiries.” He glares at him one last time before slamming the door on his way out.

  I close my eyes, fearful of what’s about to follow. Jake thought that he was helping me but I know my father and Jake’s unusual reaction will have only awakened his suspicion. I cast my eyes down to the floor and wait for his explosive reaction. When nothing happens I decide to make myself look busy and if I’m lucky he might not choose to confront me about Jake’s comment. I occupy myself by getting on with meaningless tasks; I’m willing to do anything to avoid a confrontation with him. I can feel his cold eyes following me around the store as I place books back on the shelf. I keep my back to him but it only heightens my awareness of his presence. I attempt to control my breathing as I feel him walk over towards me. I need to be evasive, if I can convince him that there’s nothing to be suspicious over then he might just let this go.

  “Bethany, who was that boy?” He asks, placing a revolting hand on my shoulder, curling his fingers into a tight grip.

  “I don’t know him; I’ve never seen him before. He was asking about a book he read as a child, a classic.”

  He’s standing so close behind me that I can hear his breathing and unlike mine, his is steady and controlled.

  “Oh, really? Which one?”

  As soon as he asks the question my mind goes blank. I can’t think of anything and I feel myself begin to tremble. I hate myself for being so weak around him, I’m always the victim and that’s not who I want to be anymore.

  “Erm… he didn’t know the title of the book, that’s why he came in here to ask about it.”

  “And you had no idea what it was?” His cruel and calculating voice whispers threateningly in my ear.

  “I think it sounded a lot like that children’s book ‘The Wind in the Willows.’ I was just about to tell him that when you walked in.” I used to think I was a competent liar but now I’m not so sure. In the past it was my father who wanted to believe everything I said. He was the one who managed to convince himself that all of my lies were the truth. All I can do pray he doesn’t see through me now.

  “His manners were appalling.” He mutters to himself, walking away from me. I finally start to breathe like normal again, reliev
ed that he’s accepted my story and thankful that he doesn’t seem to doubt me.

  “I didn’t think they were that bad.” I reply, instantly regretting it.

  “Why do I get the feeling that you’re lying to me?” He approaches me once again but this time places his hands on my shoulders, turning me around to face him. He gently runs a finger down the side of my face. I want to shrink away from him but if I show him my fear it will infuriate him even more.

  “I’m not lying.” I attempt my most compelling poker face, needing him to believe me just this once.

  “I don’t want to see that boy in here again, do you understand?”

  “Yes.” I nod my head in agreement; I’ll say or do anything to get this monster away from me.

  “Although, I suppose there’s only one way I’ll be able to make sure that he won’t return. I’d have to make you less appealing to him. If you weren’t quite as perfect as he believes you to be then there would be no reason for him to come and see you.”

  His merciless eyes bore into mine, causing me to feel faint. My legs go weak and I have to force myself to keep on standing. I don’t want to ask my next question but I can’t help myself, I have to know.

  “What do you mean?” I despise myself for sounding so terrified of him.

  “Bethany, it would be for your own good. I know what young men are like. If you didn’t look quite so appealing to them then they would leave you alone and you would be much safer. I’m just letting you know that I can help you. It wouldn’t be pleasant but in the long run at least you would be left alone.” His finger continues to stroke my face and I flinch away from him. He notices and grabs a hold of face, forcing me to look at him.

  “Get away from me.” I wanted to sound threatening but it sounded more like I was pleading.

  “It’s for your own good, Bethany. You’re a pretty girl and I know filth like him when I see it. He will have had some disgusting thoughts about you.”

  I try so hard to suppress my anger when I hear him speak so callously about Jake. I need to remain unreadable; I can’t allow him to see how badly his words affect me.

  I’ve always been so frightened of my father but as I look up at him now I see him through a stranger’s eyes. He has brown hair like mine but his is much darker, his eyes are a pale blue whereas mine are green and he’s average height and average weight, there’s nothing remarkable or extraordinary about him at all and yet I’ve spent my whole life fearing him. I suppose it’s not his physical presence that disturbs me, it’s just him. I know the lengths that he will go to, he will do anything to keep me close. I think it’s his determination that I fear the most, his perseverance and calculative nature that scares me.

  He grabs hold of my arms when I fail to acknowledge him. His grip remains strong and it tightens as soon as I try to wriggle away from him. His appearance is monstrous and I know he won’t be letting go anytime soon. I long for my imagination to transport me someplace else, away from here and away from him. In my head I’m with Jake. I’m safe and he’s with me, keeping me from harm. In reality, no one hears my screams. No one comes to my rescue and once again I’m left with the reminder of what my father has done. I’m left battered and bruised, sore and humiliated but the worst part is the memories, the ones that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

  As soon as I get home, I hurry upstairs to the bathroom. I peel off my T-shirt and stand in front of the bathroom mirror. Fresh new bruises cover my upper arms and as I continue to stare at my reflection, I no longer recognise the girl before me. These bruises will take weeks to disappear and like before, every time I see them I will be reminded of this.

  Tears of frustration pool in my eyes and I press my hands against my closed eyelids, willing myself not to break down. I don’t want to give that monster the satisfaction. He won’t break me, I won’t let him. I have Jake and he’s all that matters, he’s my whole world and he loves me. I really thought I’d lost him this morning but I haven’t, he’s still here and he won’t leave me.

  Just the thought of Jake brings me such comfort. I realise that he is what I need to cling to right now. I need to find my inner strength and that strength is him. He’s my one remaining lifeline and I know that no matter how strong or persistent the indestructible waves are I must continue to hold onto that lifeline. It will eventually pull me to safety; it will make sure I survive.

  The rest of the week drags by in a tedious and wearisome blur. Everyday I’m forced to work in the bookstore and of course my father accompanies me every single time. We barely speak unless he’s giving out orders and I respond meekly by following his instructions. I didn’t realise how bad things were for mum. Now that he’s started treating me with the same disdain and contempt he’s shown her all these years, I can truly sympathise with the misery she has had to endure.

  I’m still sticking by my decision to not contact Callum. Maybe one day things will be different but I’ve come to realise that my life is far too complex right now for me to add on any more complications. I’m hopelessly in love with Jake and this makes him my priority. I’ve only ever thought of Callum as a friend and after last Friday night I feel like there’s a big possibility Callum might want more from me. My loyalty lies with Jake and I have to respect his feelings. I’m not about to risk my newfound relationship with him to rekindle a friendship with Callum, even if I do feel guilty about it…

  I somehow managed to convince Jake that nothing happened after her left the bookstore on Saturday and as far as Jake’s concerned, my relationship with my father is the same as always. He did question why he spoke to me in such an appalling manner but I just blamed it on irritability and fatigue. I know Jake’s going to put pressure on me again when I see him on Friday. He’s so stubborn, there’s no way he’s just going to accept my decision to stay living at home. If I only knew what gran had told him last week, maybe then I’d be able to put his mind at rest. That’s why I’m so thankful I figured out how to top up my phone’s credit, I’ve made sure to contact Jake a lot more than I did last week. I don’t want him to worry about me and the best way to ensure that is to communicate with him as often as I can.

  Friday morning finally arrives and I’m so thankful I get to see Jake tonight. I’ve been missing him like crazy and the separation has been horrendous. The bruises my father gave me still look terrible; I now have fresh ones to match the fading marks he branded me last week. Every time I undress I have to place a towel over the bathroom mirror, the last thing I want to see is the evidence of my father’s abuse and control.

  I’m making my way downstairs for breakfast when I hear the phone ring. There’s no point in me trying to answer it, mum always beats me to it. My father’s not here so he must have already left for work. I’m hoping that means he doesn’t expect me to go into the book store today. I deserve a day off and it’s becoming more and more difficult for me to work in such close proximity to him.

  I walk into the living room and overhear the tail end of my mum’s conversation. I don’t know who she’s talking to but it sounds serious.

  “What? When did it happen? Is she ok?” Her voice is shrill and she sounds really worried, immediately preparing me for the worst.

  “Mum, what’s wrong?” I ask, hurrying over to her.

  “Where have they taken her? Yes, I know where that is. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thank you, Mary.”

  She hangs up the phone and I notice her creamy complexion has been drained of all colour, leaving her a ghastly shade of white.

  “Mum, what’s happened?”

  “That was Mary, your Gran’s next door neighbour. Your Gran had a fall last night, she collapsed. She’s been on her own since then and they found her this morning. She was freezing cold and still on the floor where she had fell.”

  “She can’t have!” I yell, not wanting to believe that such a thing could happen to my gran. She’s strong and she’s capable, she’s never had a fall in her life.

  “It’s true; she’s on her
way to the hospital now in an ambulance. We have to hurry up and make our own way there; I don’t want her to be on her own.”

  “An ambulance? Is she really hurt?”

  My body starts to shake with the thought of gran being rushed to hospital on a stretcher, battered and bruised with broken limbs.

  “I don’t know! We’ll find out everything when we get there but we have to go now. Hurry up and get ready, we’re leaving in ten minutes.”

  “Should I phone a taxi?” I ask, reaching for the phone.

  Mum pauses and looks at me uncertainly.

  “A taxi? I don’t know about that…”

  “How else are we supposed to get there? You said we have to hurry and we can’t wait for a bus, it will take far too long.”

  My finger hovers over the call button; the only thought in my head right now is gran and reaching her as soon as possible. I don’t have time to worry about my father and what his reaction will be when he finds out we wasted our money on a taxi.

  “You’re right, go ahead and call one. We’ll have to deal with the consequences later.”

  As soon as the taxi arrives I ask mum about the lady who called her.

  “Who’s Mary and how did she know gran had fallen?”

  “She’s your gran’s neighbour. She told me she was concerned when she wasn’t answering the front door. Mary has a spare key and decided she would use it and check if everything was alright, she’s the one who found her.”