Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  The hurt from Jake’s abandonment was like a knife plunging into my heart. He promised me he wouldn’t leave me, he swore he would be five minutes and he broke that promise. He let me down and broke my trust, something Jake said he would never do. The fact that he was going to have a baby with this girl is also another betrayal, another lie and the deception from such a secret has made me see him in a whole new light. I don’t even know where to start when it comes to defining how I feel about him.

  “God, I know I fucked up and I am so, so sorry. Sweetheart, I had no idea she was even there, let alone that she was outside near you.”

  His eyes plead with me to understand, they’re begging me to believe in him and he looks an absolute wreck. He is hopeless, wretched and broken and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I do believe him. I know Jake would never let anyone hurt me.

  “Jake, there’s nothing you can say that will make any of this better. You’ve lied to me, you’ve kept things from me and now you want to explain yourself when it’s too late. What’s done is done and the damage has already been inflicted.”

  I push against his chest, wanting to move him out of my way. My attempts prove to be futile. By now I should realise how ridiculously strong Jake is. There’s no chance I’ll be able to get past him.

  “Don’t say that, it’s not too late! Bethany, you promised me earlier this evening that there will never be an end to us and already you’re going back on what you told me. Don’t do this to me, I’m begging you.”

  It breaks my heart to see him so close to despair, so incredibly impassioned, I can feel it absorbing into me.

  “Don’t try to blame any of this on me. I’m not the one who’s been keeping things from you. I say obstinately.

  “That’s not strictly true.”

  He gazes at me intently, his penetrating stare making me uncomfortable.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You kept everything to do with your father a secret; you didn’t tell me he was hurting you.”

  I inhale sharply. I cannot believe Jake would use that against me. I only kept it a secret because I didn’t want him to worry, I didn’t want him to be afraid for me when I know there’s nothing he can do about it. It really fucking hurts for Jake to throw that back in my face right now.

  “How dare you! I kept that from you because I was trying to protect you, what’s your excuse?”

  “Mine is exactly the same as yours, Bethany! I didn’t want to hurt you; Sarah means absolutely nothing to me and I didn’t want you to feel threatened by her. Trust me, baby, please.”

  He tries to take hold of my face in his hands but I pull away from him before he gets to touch me.

  “How can I trust you when you’ve been lying to me? Jake, you were going to have a baby with this girl and I didn’t even know she existed until tonight!”

  My eyes fill with tears, processing everything I’ve been told tonight and the significance of their history together. Jake was going to be a Dad. He created a life with that girl and the knowledge of this actually causes my whole body to ache with sadness and betrayal. I might not have any right to feel that way but I can’t help it. Jake kept this from me, he deliberately deceived me and it really does feel like a betrayal.

  Jake turns away from me, raking his hands through his hair and tugging on it in frustration. I find myself torn between wanting to comfort him and wanting to yell at him and scream. I choose to remain still and refuse to give into either of my emotions. Giving Jake a moment to regain his composure, I mentally prepare myself for what I’m about to do because it’s not going to be pleasant for both of us.

  He turns around to face me, his eyes are haunted and his soul full of torment. If heartbreak could be seen, Jake’s would visible.

  “Here’s your phone.” Jake mumbles, holding my mobile out towards me. He must have taken it from Sarah before he followed me.

  “Thanks, I need that.” I say, snatching it from him. “Callum’s expecting my call, remember?” My tone is toxic as I smile up at him, confident that my taunting will wound Jake just as much as his ex-girlfriend wounded me earlier tonight.

  His face pales and I notice him clenching his fists, trying to control his rage.

  “Don’t.” He warns me.

  “What, Jake?” I goad him, acting innocent.

  We’re standing in the middle of the road, glaring at one another and challenging each other like never before. Inches separate our bodies but it might as well be miles, I’ve never felt this separate from him before, the distance between us is immense.

  “Don’t do that. Don’t try to hurt me by mentioning him. It’s an unnecessary form of torture, I promise you.”

  I’m still so enraged with him for lying to me; the ugly, vindictive part of me wants retribution. My anger may be directed at the wrong person but I still can’t stop it from being unleashed.

  “I think he would really love to hear from me, don’t you? I’ve still got his number; it’s safely tucked away in the drawer in my bedroom.” I say viciously.

  “Bethany, stop it. I know that I’ve really managed to really fuck things up but you don’t have to do this. Don’t do this to me, please. I can’t think about you with another guy, even when I know you’re just saying these things to hurt me. I know I let you down tonight, you needed me and I wasn’t there to protect you, the guilt of that is tearing me apart. I should have been there with you but I didn’t know what was happening, you have to believe me. I was trying to get rid of everyone inside the party, I couldn’t find my sister anywhere and I swear my only priority was getting back to you. I wouldn’t have even brought you with me if I’d have known she was there. I’ve never wanted you two to meet because I know what she’s like and I would lay my life down to protect you, baby. I was inside searching for Carla when I overheard someone say that Sarah was arguing with a girl outside, as soon as I heard that I knew you were in trouble and I left the house. Christ, I can’t believe what she did to you. I need to know exactly what happened, Bethany. Are you badly hurt? Do you need to see a doctor?”

  He takes a hesitant step towards me, as though he’s fighting with himself, unsure if he should pull me into his arms or keep his distance.

  “Of course I’m not ok! She humiliated me, Jake. She poured her drink over my head; she spat in my face, she slapped me and then told me that you had only used me for sex. She said you were only interested in me because I was a virgin and you wanted to see what it was like to be with one. How would she even know that?”

  “She’s a liar! Don’t believe a single word she says. I don’t know how she knew you were a virgin; I’ve never told her anything about you. I swear it.”

  “It wasn’t all lies, Jake. She told me the truth about the baby, your baby.” I shout, shoving him in the chest with all my might.

  It doesn’t make much of an impact, he doesn’t even stumble. I’m not even sure if I want to know the details of what really happened between Sarah and Jake but my need to know the truth is too strong and I won’t rest until I know everything.

  He looks away from me, fixing his gaze onto the ground at our feet. I can see how painful this is for him, I’ve never seen Jake as vulnerable this before. It’s as though he’s lost, he’s grieving for something that’s no longer here and I don’t even know where to start when it comes to helping him.

  “Yeah, there was a baby.” He mumbles quietly.

  “You need to tell me what happened, you owe me that much.” I say decidedly.

  “I’ll tell you everything, I promise. You deserve to know the truth and I want to take the time to properly explain things, to help you understand what happened. Do you want to go back to your gran’s house? We can talk there.”

  He glances up at me with eyes full of hope, desperately seeking my approval.

  “No, I don’t want to go back there. I want to hear what you have to say right here.”

  I’m anxious to hear all about Jake’s past but I’m still too stubb
orn to let go any of my resentment for him. My heart feels like it’s been torn in half and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forget the things she told me tonight. Just the thought of her and Jake together makes me sick, especially the thought of the two of them having sex. How could he be with someone so vicious, cruel and vindictive?

  Jake slowly nods his head, clearly disheartened by the fact I said no to going back to gran’s house with him. He takes a seat on the pavement at the side of the road and I turn to face him, not yet willing to join him. I remain standing with my arms crossed; patiently waiting to hear what he has to say.

  “I was with Sarah for about a year.” He confesses, sighing deeply.

  My mouth falls open in complete and utter shock. I just presumed she was a one night stand, I never even considered the possibility that she was his girlfriend. The idea of them in a relationship makes me want to claw Jake’s eyes out. The rage building up inside of me is teetering of the edge of being uncontrollable. I can blatantly see that this is traumatic for him but I can’t deny my irrefutable envy, it’s like poison eating away at me.

  “Go on.” I urge him, knowing we need to discuss this if we want to move forward.

  “I know what you must be thinking, I hate the person she is now but she wasn’t always like that. I’m not making excuses for her, Bethany. I’m just being honest. I’ve known her since we were kids and she always made it clear she had a thing for me. It was never reciprocated and I told her on numerous occasions that I only saw her as a friend. She seemed to accept it and things were pretty simple between us. Anyway, one night we were at this house party and we had been drinking… God, I really don’t want to have to tell you this.” He groans, holding his head in his hands.

  “You have to.” I insist, trying to swallow the resentment expanding in my throat.

  “We were drunk and I was stupid. I was so fucking stupid, baby. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I instantly regretted it. Afterwards, it became apparent that it had meant a lot more to her than it had done to me. She kept pursuing me, she kept on telling me that we should be together and I admit that I was weak. I guess it was just easier for me to fall into a relationship with her rather than trying to avoid her advances. Being with her is the worst decision I’ve ever made and I hate myself for it.”

  He looks up at me, his hollow eyes imploring me to believe him. I stare back at him, making sure I keep an unreadable expression on my face.

  “Carry on.” I say coolly.

  “I was with her for about a year and we had the most dysfunctional relationship you can imagine. Now that I’ve met you I realise I felt nothing for Sarah, she never meant to me what you do and I can’t even begin to compare what I have with you to what I had when I was with her. Bethany, I would die for you. You’re my life now and you mean everything to me, you have to believe that.”

  His big brown eyes gaze up at me with so much sadness, I can feel my steely resolve wavering as I long to comfort him. When I fail to respond, he lets his head fall in defeat and my conscience forces me to say something.

  “I do believe you.” I whisper.

  “Thank you; I never want you to doubt my feelings for you.”

  He sighs wearily, reluctant to continue. The agony he must have been through is still within him, its still controlling him and I know he has to speak about it to set himself free.

  “Jake, you need to tell me the rest.”

  I decide to meet him halfway and sit beside him; he smiles at me weakly, showing his appreciation of my gesture.

  “I hate speaking about it; the end of my relationship with Sarah was the darkest period of my life. Not because we broke up but because of what happened after we did. I was getting really tired of the relationship, she was possessive and jealous. She was spending more and more time at my house and I felt suffocated. I think she knew I was getting ready to end things between us and that’s why she deliberately got herself pregnant.”

  “You think she did it on purpose?” I ask, gaping up at him in astonishment.

  “I’m pretty certain she did.” He mumbles.

  I can’t believe anyone could be capable of doing such a thing. It’s beyond my imagination and understanding.

  “She told me she was pregnant on the same night I planned on ending things between us. Bethany, my father was a bastard and he abandoned us. I carry the weight of that pain every single day and I made a vow to myself a long time ago that I won’t ever follow in his footsteps. I don’t want to be like him and I don’t want to make the same mistakes he did. When Sarah told me she was pregnant, I decided to stay with her. I now realise what a mistake that was, I could have still been a father without being in a relationship with her but I was so scared she would stop me from seeing the baby if I told her that I no longer wanted to be with her.”

  “You felt pressured into being in a relationship with her?” I ask incredulously.

  “I only stayed with her for the baby. I wanted to do things right and support the two of them. I got the job at the bar where I’m still working and I put in as many hours as I could manage. My goal was to save enough money so we could get our own place. I didn’t want to be a weekend dad to my baby and I wanted to be a part of his or her life as much as I could be. I also felt like I needed to keep an eye on Sarah. She enjoys partying way too much and I couldn’t risk her doing anything that would harm the baby. My unborn child was the only thing that mattered to me and I was determined to provide a decent home for it, my love would have been unconditional, which is something I’ve never experienced from either of my own parents.”

  I watch him furiously wipe away a tear that started to fall from the corner of his eye. He’s heartbroken, obviously still grieving the loss of his baby. It hurts to see him so broken and distraught about something I didn’t even know about, something that has nothing to do with me.

  “How come she lost the baby?” I ask, moving a little closer towards him.

  “She was three months pregnant when I got a phone call one night. A friend of hers phoned and told me that Sarah was bleeding, had stomach pains and had gone straight to hospital. I later found out she had been out drinking with her friends before the miscarriage and I felt so guilty. I thought she was at home for the night, I had no idea she was at a club and partying, she kept it from me because she knew I wouldn’t allow it.”

  “Jake, it wasn’t your fault. You don’t even know that’s why she lost the baby, lots of women go out during their pregnancy but they don’t all miscarry. There’s nothing you could have done.” I say firmly.

  “She lied to me, Bethany. She told me she had stopped drinking as soon as she found out she was pregnant but I know Sarah and I can tell when she’s lying. She was going to be a mum but that didn’t seem to matter to her. The only person she cares about is herself and she didn’t want the pregnancy to interfere with her social life. That’s the only reason I was so intent on us living together; I knew I needed to keep an eye on her and I didn’t trust her to be responsible. When her friend called me I rushed straight to the hospital, I finally managed to track down Sarah and when first I saw her she distraught and inconsolable. I was stupid enough to believe it was because she had lost the baby.”

  As I continue to witness Jake’s anguish and sorrow, I slowly start to question his true feelings for Sarah. He must have felt something for her; he’s still in such torment over her miscarriage. I don’t have much knowledge about sex and relationships but even I know that a baby must somehow unite the two people who created it. Even if the child is lost, it must still bind those two people together. It’s an unbreakable bond and it’s becoming more and more apparent to me that there’s still some unfinished business between them. There can only be co much animosity between people if there once were strong feelings there.

  “Jake, I don’t quite know what to say.” I whisper softly.

  “Tell me what you’re thinking, I need to know.” He turns and gazes at me intently, pleading with me to be honest with him.r />
  “I do feel for you, Jake. I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me any of this before.”

  “I kept it from you because I didn’t want you to think any less of me. You and I haven’t known each other for very long and I didn’t want the bombardment of all of my revelations to ruin things between us, not before we’ve even started. After she lost the baby I fell into a dark place. I refused to speak to anyone about it because it was far too painful for me to discuss. I distanced myself from Sarah, unable to be around her. I know I should have been more supportive but I just couldn’t bring myself to see her. I didn’t go to work and I refused to leave the house. One night, I got another phone call from one of Sarah’s friends. She told me they were at a house party and that Sarah was close to passing out. She said she was worried about her because a load of guys were all over her and I needed to get there before anything else happened. I raced straight over to the address she gave me and started to search the house looking for Sarah. I couldn’t believe she was out partying like this whilst I was locked away at home still grieving for our baby.”

  He curls his fists and I notice the pulse in his jaw throbbing in anger.

  “Did you find her?” I prompt him when he remains silent, reluctant to finish his story.

  “I searched every room in the house but there was no sign of her or the friend who called me. I was debating what I should do next when I realised I’d overlooked a small bedroom at the end of the hall. It was locked so I knocked on the door, I didn’t exactly want to walk in on anyone screwing around. There was no answer and I was really starting to worry about Sarah, someone could have been really hurting her inside that room. I ended up kicking the door open and that’s when I caught her having sex with some random guy. It had only been three weeks since she lost our baby. My feelings for her had changed, I knew I didn’t want to be with her anymore but I still cared about her; I would have stood by her and taken care of her as a friend. She was going to have my baby and that still meant something to me. I could see that she was wasted and for several seconds I just stood there staring at them. I couldn’t believe my eyes; I was so sickened by what I saw. Neither one of them had noticed my presence; let’s just say they were being extremely vocal. I turned my back on her, ready to walk away for good when I heard the guy on top of her laugh. He must have noticed me in the doorway and was snickering over the fact I had caught them. That’s when I really lost my mind, all of the pain, the hurt and the anger I had felt since the baby came rushing to the surface and I just saw red. I dragged him off of her and beat him until he was no longer recognisable.”