Always & Forever

by Crossley, Lauren

  I make polite conversation with mum over breakfast; I answer her questions but can’t manage to take in a single thing she’s saying. My mind keeps on racing with uncontrollable thoughts, threatening to consume me if I let them.

  “Bethany, are you ok? You look a little pale.”

  I’m startled by mum’s question and plaster a carefree smile on my face.

  “I’m feeling a little unwell, I think I might go for a walk, some fresh air might help.”

  “But you haven’t eaten anything, are you sure you’re alright?” She asks me worriedly.

  “I’m fine, don’t worry. I won’t be long.”

  I make my way to the front door before she can say anything else. Once I’m in the hallway I hear her footsteps fade away into the kitchen. Now I know she’s at the other end of the house I know it’s safe to sneak back up the stairs.

  I silently open the door to my parent’s bedroom; my hands are trembling as I quietly open the bottom drawer on my father’s side of the bed. He always used to keep it in here and I just hope he hasn’t change his hiding place over the years.

  I breathe a sigh of relief when I see its still there, the key to the book store. I curl my fingers around the cold metal, placing it in my pocket.

  I take a deep breath as soon as I’ve made it back down the stairs and outside. I hoped the fresh air would help but it only makes things worse. My head feels all dizzy and the ground beneath me starts to shift. It takes a few moments but eventually my nausea starts to leave me. I’m dreading this next part but know I have to find the strength to go ahead with it. I need to know the truth.

  I keep my head down the whole way there. I’m not sure why but I have the strangest sensation that I’m being watched. I choose to ignore the peculiar feeling, putting it down to paranoia and quicken my pace. The bookstore is the last place on earth I want to go but it’s the only place I can go to get what I need. I arrive at the store a couple of minutes later and I’m surprised by how relieved I am to be out of sight and indoors. The awareness of being observed was so intense; it followed me all the way here.

  I slowly make my way around the back of counter, standing directly in front of the cash register. I stare down at it for a long time, asking myself I can actually do this? Am I really going steal money from my own father? I contemplate the severe consequences of what I’m about to do, if my father ever finds out about this he’ll kill me. There’s no doubt about it.

  I hold my head in my hands, considering the alternative. What other choice do I have? I don’t have any money of my own and I’m not willing to discuss this with Jake until I know for certain. I need the money to buy a pregnancy test. I have to know. I can always ask Jake to replace the money for me later and that way my father won’t ever know it was taken.

  I reach for the money before I can stop myself, snatching twenty pounds from the till and slamming it shut again. The palpitations in my chest are intense; my legs are unstable and tremble. My whole body is unsteady and quivering with terror. I try to even out my breathing, telling myself that the hard part is over now I’ve got the money. I know I’m kidding myself; the hardest part will be buying the test and finding out the truth.

  I clumsily lock up the bookstore, dropping the key several times during my speedy exit. I head down the road towards the local pharmacy, hoping I won’t be faced with a long queue and a busy store. I’m self-conscious enough as it is; I don’t want anyone to see what I’m about to purchase.

  When I enter the small pharmacy I’m actually amazed by the variety of pregnancy tests on offer. The store is pretty quiet and the two assistants don’t pay me much attention as they carry on with their conversation behind the counter. I search the shelves for the simplest test, knowing I won’t be able to come back at a later stage to get another. I reach for the simplest one I can find, its expensive but it says that the result will appear as ‘pregnant’ or ‘not pregnant.’ Surely even I won’t be able to get that wrong.

  I can feel my face turning bright red as I make my way over to the two employees near the cash register. One of them gives me a friendly smile, taking the test from me without a second glance. As soon as she hands me the small carrier bag with it inside, I bolt for the door and don’t look back.

  I can’t risk taking the test at home; I can only imagine what my mum would say if she found the empty package in the bin. I make my way over to gran’s house, my one and only place of safety and refuge. This house has always been my one true haven and I think it always will be. I rely on the use of her spare door key again and take a glance behind me before entering the house. I still have that strange perception that I’m being observed, it’s completely unfounded and once again put it down to the way I’m feeling and being overly suspicious.

  I read through the instructions several times once I’m in the bathroom. It’s important I don’t make any mistakes and it’s not like I have any experience with taking one of these things. I remove the plastic cap and sigh resignedly… it’s now or never.

  It says I have to leave the test for five minutes. I won’t be able to resist looking at it before then so I force myself to leave the bathroom. I wearily sit down on the bed in my small bedroom, the same place I brought Jake that night when I asked him to make love to me for the first time, the place where all of this might have started. I close my eyes and inhale deeply, I might not have anything to worry about; this could easily be a false alarm and I can forget all about it as soon as I see the negative result.

  The minutes I have to wait feel like hours, I glance at the clock hanging on the wall in my room, my time is up. I reluctantly stand and make my way back into the bathroom. The test is exactly where I left it, innocuously waiting for me to find out my fate. I close my eyes, making a silent prayer that all of this will go away as soon as I see the result.

  I glance down at the result; my left hand curls itself into a fist, digging my fingernails into my palm. My right hand holding the test starts to tremble. I blink a few times, trying to clear my vision. Blinking rapidly doesn’t help and neither does it change things. I fall to my knees, my fingers lose their grip on the test and it falls to the floor. I’m unable to stop myself from crumbling alongside it. I’m on my knees, sobbing violently. Never in my entire life have I felt so helpless, despite my state of vulnerability and shock, I summon every ounce of strength left inside of me and pick up the fallen pregnancy test. I stare at it again, no longer able to deny what it says. It’s staring right back at me, unapologetic and unashamed about its life-changing revelation.

  The word is indisputable and it’s beyond doubt.

  I’m pregnant.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  I can’t tear my eyes away; all I can do is gaze in disbelief at the positive result before me. The tears I tried to fight will no longer wait; they fall helplessly down my face, relentless and persistent in their journey.

  I don’t know how long I stay there for, a despondent heap on the bathroom floor. It’s as though I’m completely disconnected from my surroundings and all I can do is stare lifelessly into space. I want to be unfeeling; I don’t want to face the reality of my situation. I’d rather stay numb like this than respond to the shocking disclosure that test brought me.

  I rake my fingers through my hair, clutching the side of the bath and pulling myself to my feet. My legs feel like jelly, I’m unbalanced and shaky. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to make it home. I must be in shock because my body feels completely different. I feel detached from my surroundings and entirely separate from the environment around me.

  I notice the discarded packaging on the floor and remember there were two tests in the box. I immediately decide to take the second test, convincing myself that the first one could have been faulty and it might have just been a fluke. I know I’m being ridiculous, clinging to the idea that I bought a dodgy pregnancy test instead of admitting the truth. I don’t care; I’ll believe anything right now, anything except the frightening and bleak actuality
of my circumstances.

  I don’t know how I manage to take the second pregnancy test; my hands are shaking so badly. I have to wait another five minutes for the result and I spend every single one of them desperately anticipating a different outcome.

  Of course the result is the same. That’s two tests confirming the fact that I’m pregnant. I throw the second one against the wall, wanting to destroy the wretched thing for changing my life so irrevocably. My stomach is churning, if I had eaten anything this morning I’m certain I would have vomited it all up again.

  I’ve only been at gran’s house for about an hour but it feels like years. Realising I have to get rid of the incriminating evidence before I leave, I shove the tests in the bottom drawer in my bedroom. I could throw them away but if I do gran will only find them when she gets back from her holiday. I’m also sure I’ll need to look at them again later on otherwise I’ll persuade myself none of this actually happened. I’ll need proof.

  My journey home is one confusing, distorted blur. All I can think about is how stupid I’ve been. Jake warned me about this, he told me after our first time together that there was a chance I could be pregnant and I just laughed at him. I thought he was being over-cautious and worrying about nothing. Now I realise what a fool I’ve been. Jake knew how easy it would be to make that one mistake, he knew that one error in judgement can change the rest of your life and I dismissed him. Why didn’t I listen?

  I manage to make it to my bedroom without too much of an interrogation from mum. It’s obvious she’s concerned about me but I can’t deal with the guilt of deceiving her that right now. I collapse onto my bed, utterly exhausted. Crazy thoughts are racing through my head and I no longer have the strength to try and control them. I think about Jake and what this news will do to him. Will he be angry with me? Will he think I’m exactly like Sarah? Will he think I’ve done this on purpose to trap him like she did? I won’t be able to bear it if Jake starts to doubt me.

  I’ve never really thought about children, I never thought it would even be possible for me to meet anyone let alone have a baby. I’ve only known Jake for eight weeks and I’m terrified wondering what his reaction will be. I know he was willing to stand by Sarah; he wanted their baby but I can’t help asking myself if he will want ours. What if it’s just a painful reminder of what happened before, he might resent me for doing this to him again and tell me it’s not what he wants.

  Later that night I’m still so desperate to quieten the overpowering thoughts in my head. I reach for my iPod, needing the release of music to quieten the tremendous amount of anxiety which threatens to explode in my head any second. I know the song I need to hear, I search frantically before stabbing my finger against the play button. I exhale slowly as soon as I hear the beginning of Rihanna’s ‘Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary’ start to play through my earphones. I turn up the volume, wanting to drown out the uncontrollable fear that’s gradually taking over my sanity.

  I’ve been up here for hours, refusing to join mum for dinner or eat anything all day. I’ve completely ignored my phone which has been bombarded with missed phone calls and texts, all of them from Jake. I’m supposed to meet him in a couple of hours and I’ve seriously considered cancelling on him, it’s a really tempting thought but the idea of staying up here in my room all night isn’t that appealing either.

  I know I’ll have to deal with this sooner or later and I don’t want to lie to Jake and cause him to worry about me. He needs to know the truth and I’ve got to tell him.

  It’s now or never.

  “Mum, I’m going over to Amy’s for a little bit but I won’t be home late.” I tell her, avoiding eye contact as I put on my jacket and my shoes.

  “You’re feeling better then? This morning you said you were unwell.”

  “Yeah, I’m much better now.” I lie. “I think the walk helped from this morning.”

  She looks doubtful but goes along with what I say, allowing me to make a quick exit.

  As soon as I’m out the house I take my phone out my pocket and read through all the messages Jake sent me earlier today. His texts vary from making sure I’m ok to asking why I haven’t responded to him. There are ten missed calls and four voicemails. Yikes, I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do. Jake and I had already arranged to meet at gran’s house tonight at seven, I quickly send him a text apologising for my silence today and to tell him I’m on my way.

  I notice Jake once I round the final corner onto my gran’s road. He’s sitting on the bottom step leading up to the front door waiting for me. The image of sat there is enough to stop me in my tracks; I want to lose myself in the visual wonder that is Jake. The sight of him is beyond anything I could ever imagine I never knew it was possible to love someone so much. What I’m about to tell him makes my heart ache with sadness.

  I hesitantly make my way over towards him, hating every single step. Each one brings me even closer to revealing something that will change our lives forever. Jake only notices my presence once I’m stood right in front of him; he was so engrossed in the phone in his hand.

  “Hi.” I say quietly.

  He jumps up to greet me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I give him a weak smile, the only type I can seem to manage at the moment. I’ve always loved the way Jake eyes light up whenever he sees me. It’s a magical feeling and I don’t think anything will be able to replace the joy it brings me.

  “There’s my girl.” He whispers, tugging my body tightly against his.

  “How are you?” I say, sounding formal.

  Damn it, I already sound nervous, he’s going to be able to tell that something’s wrong.

  “Are you ok? What’s wrong?” He asks, a concerned frown instantly takes the place of the carefree expression he wore on his face just a moments ago.

  “I’m fine.” I lie, hoping my grimace of a smile is enough to convince him.

  “I don’t believe you. You’re lying to me.” He says firmly, holding me at arms length.

  I avert my gaze, unable to face him. A huge part of me just wants to give in to this, my mind and body feel overloaded; I can’t deal with this alone. I need Jake and he’s the only one I can tell. I need him to be strong one out of the two of us, I want him to make everything better but how do I even begin to tell him? I’m about to change his life forever and I’m terrified he’ll resent me for it.

  “I’m just not feeling well; I’ve been feeling off colour all day.” I mumble, telling him a partial truth.

  “I’m sorry, baby. You should have told me, I wouldn’t have wanted you to come out if I knew you were sick.”

  I close my eyes, burying my face against his chest as he embraces me. Jake always smells incredible; his scent is so alluring to me. It arouses my body but comforts me at the same time. It’s reassuring and safe, just like Jake.

  “I wanted to see you.” I say softly.

  “Bethany, you’re trembling, let’s get you inside.” He says firmly, pulling away from me.

  I tell him where the door key is hidden in the back garden and he quickly makes his way around the side of the house to get it.

  “Found it?” I ask when he returns.

  “Yeah, I got it.”

  I nod my head, folding my arms to keep myself warm. Jake looks at me quizzically, uncertainty and suspicion causing his frown to deepen. He knows. He knows something is wrong, he can sense it. He doesn’t say anything as we step inside the house; the silence between us is fraught to say the least.

  “So, how was your day?” I enquire, hoping to sound natural and at ease.

  “Ok, what is it?” He asks, tossing the spare key down on the hallway table by the door.

  I resign myself to the fact I have to come clean. He knows something’s bothering me and it’s not fair of me to lie to him.

  “I have to tell you something.” I admit, swallowing nervously.

  “Ok…” His voice is full of curiosity and trepidation.

  “Its not good news, Jake.” I mumb
le, wringing my hands together.

  “Is it your dad? Has he come home?”

  I watch his solid chest and broad shoulders rise and fall with each breath. I glance down and notice his large fists are clenched.

  “No, it’s nothing to do with him, he’s still away.”

  Jake’s entire demeanour changes and I force myself to look away from his angry brown eyes, unable to cope with such a penetrating glare directed at me.

  “Bethany, you can’t lie to me. You have to tell me if he’s done anything to hurt you. No matter what it is, no matter what he’s done or how awful it is. You can tell me, you know you can tell me anything.” He tells me.

  On the one hand I want to dispel his worries and concerns but the logical part of my brain knows I can’t just blurt it out to him; this type of news has to be broken gently.

  “I’m not lying, my father’s still away.”

  “Ok, so what’s wrong?” He persists.

  “Jake, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Be patient with me, I need to find the right words to explain this to you.”

  “Go on.” He says harshly, taking a step back from me.

  What happened? Why does he want to be far away from me all of a sudden?

  “First of all I need you to know that I didn’t mean for this to happen. You have to believe me when I say that, Jake. This wasn’t part of my plan and I don’t want to hurt you…”

  I glance up at Jake, the stony expression on his face is so hard to read, he’s glowering at me and I don’t understand why his rage is now focused on me. What does he think I’m about to tell him?

  “I said go on.” He orders me.

  His jaw is clenched and his voice sounds deceptively calm, it’s like he’s preparing himself for the worst and his eyes are stormy with pent up frustration and fury.