I nervously take in my surroundings, searching up and down the street for someone who could help me if she turns violent. There’s no one. We’re completely alone. I consider the possibility of running away from her, wondering if I’d be able to outrun her if I need to get away. I’ve always been a fast runner but now that she’s sober she could easily catch me if I decide to make a run for it. She stops walking; standing directly in front of me and blocking any chance I had to escape. The silence between us seems to go on forever as I patiently await her first insult.
“Hi, Bethany.” She says softly, wringing her hands together as though she’s really anxious and tense.
“Excuse me?”
It’s got to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever said but I simply can’t believe she would greet me in such a friendly manner. Who is this girl and what the hell is she playing at? Why is she being nice to me all of a sudden?
“I’m sorry; I bet that’s the last thing you expected me to say to you. The truth is the first thing out of my mouth should have been an apology for my shocking behaviour the other week.” She smiles at me timidly, there’s absolutely no sign of the cruel, malicious and nasty girl I encountered last week.
As for me, I’m speechless. I can scarcely believe the girl I’m talking to is the same one who screamed at me and spat in my face the night I first met her.
“I don’t get this. What gives you the right to come up to me and try to engage me in any sort of conversation after what you did to me?” I try to move past her but she moves to the side, preventing me from walking by.
“Look, I’m not trying to start anything, Bethany. I just want to apologise to you, I’m not looking for any trouble. I’m on my way to a friend’s house; I never expected to bump into you here.”
She lowers her gaze to the ground; on the surface she appears uncomfortable and overwrought with unease. However, after what Jake told me about her I know what a phenomenal actress she can be and I’m choosing to remain dubious about this convincing performance. Although, her icy blue eyes implore me to listen to her and my own curiosity is begging me to let her continue.
“Ok. I’m listening.” I say coolly, trying my best to remain calm and composed. I can’t let her sense how astonished I really am.
“Bethany, I’m so sorry for what happened that night. I’m sorry for what I said, for how I behaved and for hurting you like I did. I openly admit that I was trying to stir u trouble between you and Jake and for that I am truly sorry.”
She pauses, waiting to see if I will hear her out. Her expression is one of surprise when she realises that I’m not going to interrupt her and am prepared to listen.
“Go on.” I urge her.
“I guess I really owe you some sort of explanation.” She rakes her manicured fingers through her long hair, as though she’s desperately searching for the right words to say. I can’t help the envy that this girl dredges up inside of me. She really is extraordinarily beautiful; no wonder Jake had a hard time resisting her.
“Yeah, I think you do.” I tell her, struggling to keep my voice completely devoid of any emotion.
“The truth is I loved Jake. I know you’ll probably find that hard to believe but I’m not lying. I was hopelessly in love with him and I suppose a part of me still is. I expect you know by now what happened between us, how I fucked things up and ruined everything. I always struggled with the idea that someone like Jake would really want to be with a nobody like me. It’s no excuse but it’s the only one I have for the reason I behaved so terribly.”
I gape at her in amazement, a strange feeling of recognition settling between us as I realise that even someone as gorgeous as Sarah had the same doubts about Jake.
“Why on earth would you feel that way? You’re gorgeous.” I blurt out, instantly regretting my moment of weakness and honesty.
“Thank you but I always knew that I wasn’t good enough for him. Everyday I became more and more aware of the fact that I wasn’t worthy of him. My despicable actions whilst we were together almost felt like a compulsion, I was out of control and I felt like there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t understand why Jake continued to stand by me, I knew he didn’t love me, he never has.”
“I’m sorry you lost the baby, Sarah.”
She flinches at my words, the heartache she must have been through after losing her baby must have been unbearable and I certainly wouldn’t wish the heartache of unrequited love on anyone.
“I lost Jake when I had my miscarriage. My whole world fell apart and I was powerless to stop it. He only stayed with me because of the baby and when I lost it I knew it was only a matter of time before he left me.”
“Please don’t upset yourself; you don’t need to tell me anymore.” I say, reluctant to make her relive the agony she’s been through.
“I’m ok; I need to get this stuff off my chest. Bethany, there’s no excuse for why I cheated on Jake but you have to understand that I was hurting so badly. I was all alone and had no one to turn to. Jake couldn’t stand to be anywhere near me, he didn’t want to see me or talk to me, I was so isolated and just needed someone to show me some comfort. I went looking for it in the wrong place but by the time I realised how wrong it was Jake had already put an end to things between us.”
“Sarah, what you did to Jake was wrong. I’ve seen with my own eyes how much it hurt him when he found out you were sleeping with other men whilst you were pregnant. I want to believe what you’re saying but I just don’t see how you could cheat on him if you really felt so strongly about him.”
“You wouldn’t understand because Jake loves you. You’re not craving his attention or desperate for him to take notice. I was in love with someone who didn’t love me; do you know how it made me feel? I felt unwanted, undesirable and neglected. I can’t excuse what I did but I was close to despair, I was grieving and not thinking clearly. I only slept with those other guys because I knew Jake didn’t want me.”
“What about me? What did I do to deserve your wrath?”
“Nothing. You did nothing to me except make Jake fall in love with you and for that I hated you. What I did to you that night was unforgivable; I’ve been meaning to apologise to you since that night but never thought I’d see you again to do it.”
Her voice beseeches me to believe her and she genuinely looks sincere. I suppose I now have a choice to make, I can choose to hold a grudge and refuse to forgive her or I can decide to move forward and be the bigger person.
“I can’t tell you what you did is ok and I can’t condone how you treated Jake.” I hesitate, pondering whether I should say the rest. “Despite all of that, I can forgive you. I know you’ve been through so much and I can’t imagine what you went through when you lost your baby. I accept your apology and I hope you find your own piece of happiness, Sarah. I really do.”
“Thank you, your forgiveness means a lot to me and I’m glad Jake has finally met someone who is worthy of him. Take care of each other, Bethany.”
I gently squeeze her hand and she takes me by surprise when she reciprocates my gesture, grasping my hand. She wipes a stray tear from her cheek, smiling weakly before she goes. I watch her for a few moments, empathising for the vulnerable girl I just spoke to. Of course I can’t overlook the loathsome things she said and the pain she inflicted upon Jake but I can understand and accept that she has also suffered. Jake and I have each other but who does Sarah have? She doesn’t deserve my contempt or ridicule and that’s why I can respect the courage it must have taken for her to face me.
I think about Sarah all the way home. I don’t know if I could cope with the weight of sadness and regret she has to carry around with her. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose the only person you love. A life without Jake is unimaginable, how could I even live in a world without him in it?
I make my way upstairs as soon as I get home, deciding a hot bubble bath will help me relax and warm myself up. I immerse myself in the hot water, lowering myself into it v
ery slowly because of the scorching temperature. I’ve always taken my baths like this, what’s the point of lukewarm water?
I no longer have any reason to dwell on my strange conversation with Sarah but for some reason I can’t seem to erase what she told me from my mind. She looked so forlorn and desolate, a complete contrast to the girl I believed her to be. It would be impossible for me to not feel sorry for her and that’s why I decided not to tell her the truth about my own baby. She lost her unborn child; it would have been cruel and insensitive of me to rub my own pregnancy in her face. Underneath Sarah’s brave façade there is so mush sadness, I certainly don’t want to hurt her anymore than my relationship with Jake already has.
I wrap myself in a warm dressing gown when I get out of the bath and make my way into my bedroom where I curl up on the bed. There are still several hours to go until I have to leave and meet with Jake and all I want to do right now is close my eyes and forget. My mind won’t rest, it refuses to quieten down and I’m unable to get a single moment of peace. My hand inevitably finds its way to my flat stomach; I still can’t believe that a tiny baby is actually in there.
If only there was a way I could postpone this pregnancy, if only we hadn’t created this innocent little life right now. If I could have one wish it would be to put everything on hold, why can’t we fast-forward time or rewind so we can do things differently? I reach for my iPod, already knowing which song I’m going to listen to.
I put Kelly Clarkson’s song ‘Catch My Breath’ on repeat as I watch the sunset from my bedroom window. I could listen to this song a thousand times and still not tire of it. It’s so beautifully transcendent, a song about that defining moment of clarity, a moment when you decide that the rest of your life is going to be ok, a moment without fear.
A stray tear slowly glides down my face as I gaze at the magnificent hues in the sky. The pink and purple colours in the clouds are breathtaking and I’m so thankful for the glorious view before me. I’ve always considered myself lucky to have this bedroom, the scenery is breathtaking. There are no houses in sight; all that can be seen are woods and trees, a copious amount of greenery. It’s probably the only thing I would miss from this house if I were to leave home. The realisation of this is startling, forcing me to take a good look around my sparse bedroom. I can’t believe I don’t feel anything, I have no attachment to anything in this house and the understanding of this is bittersweet.
The truth of the matter is this place has never been my home. This house has been my prison for as long as I can remember and I never thought I’d have the opportunity to break out of it. I never fantasised about escaping or really let myself dream about a future I didn’t think was possible. The question I need to ask myself now is what exactly am I still doing here? I have a way out, I have someone who can help me escape and someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Why am I stopping keeping myself from him and everything we could be together?
He’s made it perfectly clear how badly he wants me to be with him, he despises the fact that I’m still living here and I think I’ve finally reached the point where I feel the same way. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this, I have no idea where I’ll get the strength from to do it but I’m certain about one thing, I won’t be spending another night in this house. I’m not going to stay here and wait for the return of the monster who calls himself my father. It’s time for me to leave, to break free from the misery that has been my existence for the last twenty years. My future is with Jake and it can start right now. My happy ever after can be tonight.
Chapter Twenty Seven
I can hardly wait to see Jake and tell him all about my decision. I’m not sure how this is going to work out but I’m determined I’m going to try. I have faith in Jake and I know he’ll always take good care of me. I’ve never as safe as I do when I’m in his arms.
I tell mum I’m meeting Amy and take comfort in the knowledge that this will be the last time I’ll have to lie to her. It’s freezing outside and already getting dark, I send Jake a quick text letting him know I’m on my way to meet him. He replies within seconds to tell me he’s already outside my gran’s house waiting for me.
He’s perched on gran’s garden wall but stands as soon as he spots me making my way over towards him. We only saw each other last night but my chest tightens at the thought of being apart from him again. I’m done with saying goodbye to him, I’m tired of all the lying and deceit that’s involved with making sure we can see one another and I’ve definitely reached a decision that after tonight Jake and I will never be apart again. Unable to control my exuberance and exhilaration at the thought, I throw myself into his arms and squeeze him tight. I can never let this boy go. Never.
“Wow, I wasn’t expecting such a warm welcome. I thought you would still be angry with me about last night.”
He reciprocates my embrace, nuzzling against my neck and inhaling the scent of my skin. I know he’s referring to what we did last night, sex in the kitchen was something neither of us had planned and it wouldn’t be fair of me to put all of the blame on Jake.
The feel of his mouth against me sends shivers down my spine. I imagine what it would feel like to have this every single day, what it would be like to wake up beside him every morning and how incredibly safe I would feel falling asleep in his arms every night. The idea is beyond perfect.
“I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you so much.” I tell him, burrowing my face into his chest.
“You did?” He asks, sounding hopeful and surprised.
He releases his hold on me and averts his gaze to the ground. He looks really uncomfortable and ashamed with himself, forcing me to feel guilty for the remorse he’s feeling for his actions the evening before.
“It’s ok, Jake. You did nothing wrong. I’m also responsible for what went on between us. We got carried away and it shouldn’t have happened but it did and there’s nothing that we can do about it now.”
“Baby, it’s not ok. I’m disgusted with myself for how I treated you; I behaved like a complete Neanderthal. I lost control and I’ve been beating myself up about it ever since. It’s just… I’m trapped in a constant battle with myself and I’m struggling because I can see the man I want to be, the man who would be deserving of you. I try so hard to be that guy but still end up failing every damn time.” He groans, tugging on his hair in vexation.
“You’re already that guy, Jake. Don’t ever doubt that, not for a single second.” My fingertips stroke his face as I stand on my tip toes, trying to place a delicate kiss on his forehead. Jake chuckles and lowers his head for me so I can actually reach him.
“Let’s go in, tiny.”
I shove him playfully, following him up the garden path. I turn around to face him as soon as we’ve made it through the front door.
“Would it be ok if we go outside?” I ask him.
“Now? It’s freezing out there.”
“I only want to step out for a moment. It is cold but it’s a beautiful night, the stars are out and there’s a bench we can sit on in the back garden.”
“Lead the way.” He tells me, a hint of amusement in his voice.
I take hold of his hand, pulling him back through the front door and around the side of the house. As we enter the garden, I can’t help but remember all of the times when I was little and I’d play out here in the summer. Gran would usually bring out her knitting and sit on the bench, chatting to me whilst I played. She even bought a swing for me on my sixth birthday. I’d spend hours on it; I’d close my eyes and pretend I was flying. I look around the garden now and remember the good times I spent here. I’m so glad I can cherish the memories I have, if it weren’t for my gran I probably wouldn’t have any positive memories about my childhood at all.
“I have a lot of sweet memories here.” I say tenderly, turning my back on him for a moment so I can be alone with my thoughts.
“You want to tell me what’s going on?” Jake enquires, walking around me and taking both of my hand
s in his.
“Let’s sit down.” I say, motioning towards the bench.
“What’s happened?” He remains standing; his whole body now rigid with tension.
“Just come and sit down. It’s nothing bad, I promise you.” I smile at him, hoping that my relaxed demeanour will reassure him.
He reluctantly joins me but his fists remain clenched in anticipation of what I’m about to tell him.
“I’m going to start from the beginning.” I pause, licking my dry lips. “I bumped into someone today. I saw Sarah.”
“What? Where did you see her? You didn’t say anything to me, what did she do? Did she hurt you?” He asks, bombarding me with questions and jumping to his feet in anger.
“She didn’t do anything to me. Listen to me, Jake. Sit back down.” I tug on his hand, pulling him back down onto the bench besides me.
“Just tell me what happened.” He demands.
“I was walking home from the bookstore and I saw her. We talked a little and she explained some things to me. She actually apologised, Jake.”
“Sarah apologised to you?” He says incredulously. “I don’t believe it; she’s up to something, Bethany. She has to be. I told her to leave you alone, I warned her to stay away!”
“She didn’t come looking for me; it was purely a coincidence that we saw one another again. What we talked about isn’t really that important, what I’m trying to say is that speaking to her helped me to decide something. It helped me to finally come to a decision.”
“About the baby?” He looks so expectant and eager; I feel a sharp pang of guilt for my inability to provide him with an answer.
“Not exactly.” I mumble quietly.
“Then what have you decided? Tell me, Bethany. Please.” He begs.
“I want to be with you. I want to be with you all of the time and I realised today that I can be. I have no reason to be at home anymore, it’s not even my home and it never has been. My home is with you, wherever you are. It’s time for me to leave. It’s time for me to start my life with you.” I admit, praying he’ll give me the reaction I’ve been hoping for.
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