His face is red with exertion and rage; our foreheads are practically touching now that there’s hardly any distance between us. I long to take a step back from him and get away from his evil eyes and wicked words but refuse to give him the satisfaction of cowering away from him. I now realise that my suspicions were right that day, I had been followed. I knew I’d felt someone watching me and it was him.
As for the money I took from the book store, it was only missing from the till for four days; he must have checked it before I managed to return the money Jake gave me to replace it because I put it back the day after I went to see the doctor with Jake.
I recoil away from him and his sickening words. He’s revolting and his comments about me belonging to him are repulsive to the extreme. I’ve always known that he was possessive, controlling and domineering, it’s the way he’s always been. However, I’m now starting to wonder about the true nature of his feelings towards me. Do his feelings for me run much deeper? I’m his daughter but does he really love me the way a father should? I feel weak, physically sick and terrified of him. I know I have to get out of here but he’s still blocking my only exit.
“You need help.” I say with disgust.
“I need help? What about you and your deceit? What about all of the lies you’ve told and the sneaking around? Did you really think I wouldn’t find out? I knew you had to be meeting him when I went out on Friday night. It was the only time you could be so secretive and get away with it without me knowing and that’s when I figured out your mother knew exactly what was going on; you were in on it together, both of you deceiving me.” He snarls contemptuously, pointing his finger in my face.
“Mum has nothing to do with this! She doesn’t know anything about Jake. I kept the truth from her; I’ve been lying to her all along. I told her I was meeting up with Amy, an old school friend. She knows nothing about Jake so just keep her out of this.”
“You expect me to believe she’s been oblivious to what’s been going on all this time? I know she’s stupid but even she’s not that gullible. When I returned home tonight I was ready to confront her, my plan was thwarted when I stumbled across the contemptible, pitiable mess clutching the telephone. I decided what I had in-store for her could wait, the fact that her interfering old hag of a mother is dead is enough retribution… for now.” He smiles vindictively, his lip curling up in triumph.
I hate him so much, I despise him more than I ever have done and to witness him taking delight in my mum’s pain, to see him rejoicing over my gran’s death is too much for me to take. I finally snap.
“I hate you! I hate you so much. I wish you were dead. Why can’t you just go away? Leave here and never come back. We don’t want you and we certainly don’t need you! All these years you thought I really loved you! You actually believed my devotion was real? The only gullible bastard here is you. You can pretend to despise me now but I know you loved me. You’ve adored me for all these years and you thought I reciprocated your feelings. You’re the one I feel sorry for in all of this. You’re the loser and the only person no one gives a shit about!”
I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and glaring into his eyes, projecting all of my pent up hatred for him that I’ve struggled to conceal all these years. There’s still more to say and I open my mouth to scream some more obscenities at him, there’s so much I want to say, there’s so much I can use to hurt him. Before I get a chance, I’m knocked to the floor. The burning sensation is far greater than before and I struggle to move my jaw, the pain is so intense.
“I might just decide to show you some leniency; I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. You’ve just found out that your dear old gran is dead and the guilt you must be feeling… I can’t even imagine it.”
“What the hell do I need to feel guilty for?” I yell, holding my cheek as I scramble away from him on the floor. I’m not going to bother pulling myself to my feet again, he’ll only knock me flying.
“For using your gran’s house in that way, you really think I don’t know what you were up to with him there?” He crouches down so he can look me in the eye.
I can feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment and humiliation. He makes me feel dirty and wrong, even though I know it’s not the way he’s describing it. I know the only reason Jake and I were meeting at gran’s house is because of my father. I wanted freedom and I couldn’t have it unless I kept my relationship with Jake a secret. I had no choice but to lie.
“You don’t know anything about Jake or anything about me for that matter.” I murmur.
“I think I do. I know everything about you. I know exactly what you are and I think it’s time you also learnt the truth about yourself.”
“What are you talking about?”
He chooses to ignore me and walks towards my bedroom light switch, flicking it on. I put my hand over my eyes, protecting them from the harsh light.
“Turn around.” He instructs me.
I finally pull myself to my feet, reluctantly turning around to face my bedroom wall. I cry out in dismay when I see what he’s done. He’s scrawled all over it in red paint and all that can be seen are the words ‘whore’ ‘bitch’ and ‘slut.’
I berate myself for the warm tear that accidentally slides out of the corner of my eye. How could he do this? My own father, the one person in this world who’s supposed to protect me, who’s supposed to love me and care for me above anybody else. How can he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? I close my eyes, not wanting to see. What kind of man would do this to his own daughter?
“What you’ve wrote… you could write it on every single wall in this house and it still wouldn’t make it true.” I whisper, turning back around to face him.
“It’s true and do you want to know how I now that? It’s true because I’ve seen it with my own eyes. You’ve lied to me, you’ve deceived me and you willingly flipped on your back for him.”
I know he’s referring to Jake and I having sex. It makes my skin crawl to even think that he’s considered such a thing, even if it is true. He slowly walks in a circle around me, a taunting reminder of the predator inside of him. He stands behind me, remaining still, reminding me of the usual calm he portrays before the storm. I know I have to escape; I have to get out of here before he consumes and destroys everything in his path.
“It’s normal to be in a relationship, it’s normal that I want to be with somebody I care for, someone that I love.”
“Love? Don’t make me laugh! You don’t love him, you hardly know him. He’s made a fool of you. He wanted one thing from you and he got it, didn’t he?” He growls in my ear causing me to shudder.
He grabs hold of my shoulders and spins me around to face him. He clenches his right fist and I know what’s coming, his remaining hand is still glued to my shoulder keeping me firmly in place. I couldn’t make a run for it now even if I tried. I shut my eyes and pray for it to be quick, for the pain of his fist colliding with my face to be over. The seconds go by and nothing happens. I can hear his laboured breathing so I know he’s still standing right in front of me. I wonder if this is all part of his plan, if this is a cleverly thought out method of his to prolong my torture for a little bit longer.
A piercing smashing noise jolts me back to the present, I open my eyes and can hardly believe the sight before me. A crazed mad man is pacing back and forth, his face is an astonishing red with rage and his fists clench and unclench at his sides. I gasp in horror when I watch him pull down my bedroom curtains; the next thing to be destroyed is my bedroom furniture. He furiously tips my chest of drawers over and it crashes against the ground making an almighty noise. My wardrobe is next and I hastily take a step back, scrambling to avoid being squashed underneath it when it topples.
He looks around for something else to eradicate. He’s out of luck, my room’s always been sparse and there isn’t much else for him to demolish. He grabs my drawers and tips them upside down, emptying them of the few items of clothing that
I own. He then starts tearing my clothes, ripping them to shreds before my very eyes. I back away until I’m standing against the wall furthest away from him. He’s lost his mind. He’s gone completely mad. I should run away, I should throw myself down the stairs in an attempt to get away from this insane monster who calls himself my father. I should do all of these things and I don’t, I can’t. I’m incapable of moving, I feel frozen. It’s as though I’m made of stone. I scream when he ferociously throws my empty drawers against the wall he wrote on. I cover my eyes with my hands, reluctant to see my belongings being smashed to pieces.
I have to get out of here. I have the baby to think about and it’s not safe to stay in this house with him for another minute longer. I’m pretty close to the door and I decide that now is the perfect time to make my exit. I creep towards the door handle but he’s too fast for me. He moves lie lightning; slamming it shut using the whole weight of his body and barricades me in the bedroom once more.
I stare at him with wide eyes, no longer recognising who he is. His own eyes are wild and bloodshot, glaring at me with revulsion and hate. I cower away from him as he menacingly takes a step closer towards me.
“I’m pregnant!” I yell, covering my face with my hands.
I can only hope that my revelation will evoke some scrap of empathy from him. As much as he hates me, he surely wouldn’t attack his pregnant daughter, would he? I wait for his response, my chest rising and falling rapidly in anticipation of what reaction my news will provoke from him.
“You think I didn’t know?” He curls his lip in disgust, allowing his eyes to roam over my body from top to bottom. I gape up at him in astonishment. How the hell could he know? He’s been away for weeks and I hadn’t even slept with Jae before he left home for his supposed ‘business trip.’
“How could you know?” I ask him, trembling with fear.
“I found the pregnancy tests. The ones you tried to conceal in a drawer at your gran’s house. As soon as her neighbour told me all about your comings and goings, I went and searched the entire house. I wanted proof, I knew you would have been careless and left something behind. That’s why everything I’ve painted on that wall is true. I know exactly what you are.” He forcefully grabs hold of my chin and turns my face to see the despicable words he’s scribbled all over my bedroom wall.
My immense and paralysing fear suddenly transforms into anger. How dare he do this to me? How can he treat me so abominably? I’m his daughter and the abuse he’s inflicting upon me right now is unforgivable. He’s hit me and vandalised my bedroom, he’s taken great delight in telling me about gran and he’s branded me the most despicable type whore on the planet. He’s the disgrace; he’s the one who should be ashamed, not me.
I feel an intense fury start to build up inside of me, replacing the heavy weight of terror. I’m ending this now; once and for all I’m going to put a stop to this. He can’t control me anymore. He’s done everything that he can to me and I’m still here, I’m still standing and I won’t let him think that he’s won because the truth is… he hasn’t. I’m free, I’m leaving this house tonight to be with Jake and there’s nothing he can do about it.
I look up at him, making sure I remain calm and assertive. There’s only one thing I want to say to him now. Something I’ve been waiting twenty years to tell him. I take a step closer wanting him to know that I’m not afraid.
“Fuck you.” I whisper the two words and savour how delicious they sound, they drip with the same poison he uses to speak to me and the satisfaction I feel when I see the way his mouth falls open in shock and disbelief is indescribable.
My victory is brief. I’m instantly knocked to the floor with a backhanded blow to my cheek. The agonising pain spreads to my jaw and I move it with caution, praying that he hasn’t broken any of my bones.
“Get up!” He demands viciously.
When I fail to comply, he grabs a hold of my hair and forces me to stand. Once I’m on my feet, he slaps me again and I fall to the floor once more. He tries to pull me to my feet for another blow but I crawl away from him on my hands and knees. If I let him touch me again I’m afraid he really might kill me. My whole body is shaking with terror but I can’t allow myself to admit defeat. I refuse to be his punching bag. I’ll fight him until my last breath.
“How could you do this to me? You were my perfect daughter, my beautiful little girl and now… I can’t even bear to look at you. You’re disgusting; you belong in the gutter with the rest of them.”
His words stab me in the heart, they wound me beyond belief but they don’t change the fact that I need to get out of here. I can’t just stay here and take this; I have my baby to think about. I still don’t know if I’m strong enough to go ahead with this pregnancy but there’s no way in hell I’m going to allow my father to hurt it. I watch his foot swing back and I know exactly what he’s aiming for. I scream, quickly turning over onto my side so that his deliberate kick lands in the centre of my back instead of my stomach. The pain is indescribable but I know there will be more of it if I stay here.
I picture Jake’s face and it somehow gives me the strength to scramble to my feet. He’s still blocking my exit and I’m fully aware that the little physical strength I have is no match against his. I have no idea how I can beat him, all I can try to do is distract him. I move closer towards him and spit in his face. He automatically closes his eyes and this gives me enough time to race towards the door. I’m almost there, my hand reaches towards the handle but I fall when he grabs hold of my ankle, my entire body tumbling to the floor. He’s on his hands and knees just like I am and I squirm away from him in desperation. This is my last chance; I have to break away from this animal once and for all. Lord knows what he will do to me if I stay.
I bend my knee, using all of my might to kick him right in the face. He falls back, his nose bloody and messed up from the blow I inflicted. I pull myself up and dart towards the door, grabbing the handle and flinging it open. I hurtle down the stairs; I can hear him shouting after me, screaming at me to come back. I tumble down the few final steps and yank the front door to the house open. The cold night air hits me like a speeding vehicle. I gasp for air, breathing heavily whilst my heart pounds violently against my chest. My legs are trembling and my whole body feels hurt and injured.
I don’t even turn back towards the house, I just keep going. I have no idea which direction I’m heading in, all I can do is run. I don’t know how long I keep moving; I finally come to a stop when my exhaustion demands that I do so. I’m gasping for air and the stitch in my side is excruciating, as much as I want to rest and recuperate, I know I can’t afford to stay in one place for too long. I have no clue as to where I am. I just ran with no thought for where I was heading. I look around me for any street signs, knowing it will make it easier for Jake to find me when I call.
Once my breathing is under control and I’m pretty sure my father isn’t following me, I reach for my phone in the pocket of my jeans. I start to panic when I can’t feel anything; I search all my other pockets, including the ones in my jacket but still can’t find it. A feeling of dread and dismay descends upon me when I realise I must have dropped it when I was trying to escape. No doubt it will be at home with him and there’s no way I’m going to risk retracing my steps in the hope that I’ll find it. I don’t know what time it is but I can tell it’s late. There’s no one in sight, no one who can help me.
I remember what happened the last time I was on my own in the dark. I can’t bring myself to think about that night, the memory of it still gives me nightmares. I barely survived that night and if it weren’t for Jake I don’t thin I would have. I dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands, internally scolding myself for being so weak. Now is not the time for me to break down, I have to keep it together and figure out what I’m going to do next. All I have to do is find a phone; surely someone in one of the nearby houses will let me use their landline?
I notice a few lights are still on behind clos
ed curtains and make my way over to the house which is closest to me. I’m about to make my way up the driveway when I realise I don’t even know Jake’s mobile number. I never thought to memorise it and without my own phone I have no way of contacting him. Whimpering pathetically, I fall to my knees. I’m even more lost and confused than I was five minutes ago, if that’s even possible.
What the hell am I supposed to do now? I don’t know where I am, I have nowhere to go and no one to call. I can’t even begin to remember where Jake lives. It never even crossed my mind to memorise the name of his street or the journey we made to his house when he took me there. I’m such an idiot, a stupid and thoughtless idiot who didn’t even think to note down Jake’s phone number. Why didn’t I learn it? Why didn’t Jake suggest that I learn it off by heart? God, I’m so angry, angry with myself, with Jake, with everyone.
I sit down at the side of the road, chastising and scolding myself for my idiocy. I will myself not to give into my increasing panic, trying to focus and think rationally. I can’t just stay here all night, it’s not safe and it’s absolutely freezing. My teeth are already chattering, although I think that’s partly down to the shock I’ve experienced over anything.
I think back, searching my mind for anything significant from the night I went to Jake’s house. Trying to remember a road sign I might have noticed or a particular landmark that stood out for me. I come up with nothing and tug on my hair in frustration, forcing down the scream that’s rising up in my throat.
We set off from gran’s house the night Jake and I left so he could put an end to the house party going on at his place. If I go back to gran’s house it might manage to jog some of my memory. I might even be able to find my mum there. Of course there’s also the chance my father might be there as well. Quenching that thought, I decide it’s the only thing I can do right now. I have no other option but to go to gran’s house.
Always & Forever Page 56
