It’s empty.
She’s not here.
I stand there, frozen and in shock. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next. Mum hasn’t got her own mobile so I can’t call her and find out where she is. I come to the decision that something must be wrong. Where the hell is she? She wouldn’t disappear like this unless something terrible had happened. I mentally retrace my steps, trying to remember if I overlooked a note that she might have left for me downstairs. I could go back down and check but I know I won’t find anything, I would have noticed if there was something left for me to find.
I’m just about to make my way downstairs again when I hear a noise. It was so quiet I wonder if I imagined it. It sounded like the noise came from my bedroom. I glance at my bedroom door along the hallway but notice the door is closed. I try to remember if I left it that way before I went out, did I close it before I left? God knows why I choose to investigate but that’s exactly what I decide to do. My heart is pounding, my legs are unsteady and my hands are trembling whilst I try to convince myself that there’s no reason to be frightened. It’s probably my overactive imagination playing tricks on me.
My bedroom door creaks as I open it. I’ve always been thankful for the noise is makes when you open it, over the years its been my warning, the noise I associate with my father’s presence when he comes to say goodnight to me. My bedroom is in complete darkness and it takes a few seconds for my eyes to adapt to my new surroundings. My bedroom curtains are open and it’s a full moon, this allows some light to filter in through the darkness outside. The open curtains draw my attention to my bed underneath the window and that’s when I notice the silhouette sitting there. I know it’s him straight away; no one else’s presence would cause me to feel so much terror.
“Bethany, I was wondering when you were going to show up.” He says calmly, folding his hands in his lap.
I’m absolutely numb with fear. I can’t move. I can’t speak; all I can do is gape at him in horror. This can’t be happening, this must be a dream. I’m trapped in a horrible, ghastly nightmare and I’ll wake up any second.
“What… what are you doing here, Dad?” I stutter, trembling over my words. I wanted to sound confident and calm but my stupid voice failed me, I sounded weak and pathetic.
“I’m here because I want to talk to you. We do need to talk, don’t we?” He chuckles, revealing his true sadistic nature. He knows how petrified I am of him.
“What about?” I ask, my voice quivering.
My body has surrendered all of its strength, I feel like I might collapse at any moment. My legs could easily give way beneath me, revealing to him how fragile and weak I really am when he’s near.
He doesn’t answer me; the silence between us is frightening me even more. I’d rather him be yelling at me than this. I turn my head slightly towards the door behind me, wondering if I’ll be able to reach the front door before him if I decide to make a run for it.
The moonlight illuminates his face; I notice his cold blue eyes are penetrating me with their hatred. He looks merciless and cruel, like he’s being waiting his entire life to have this conversation with me. I’ve always known that he’s a monster but I’ve never been caught and alone with him like this before. The abhorrence I feel for him cannot be described, neither can my unease or distress at being in such close proximity to him.
“Oh, we have lots to talk about, Bethany. Although, I think we’ll start with him. Let’s talk about Jake.”
The second he mentions his name my heart stops.
This is it.
This is the end.
He knows
He knows everything…
Chapter Twenty Eight
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have the courage to try and run but I’m too frightened to stay. I’m alone in the house with him and the knowledge of this is far too unsettling for me, I don’t think I’m capable of moving even if I tried.
I’m suddenly hit with the realisation that he might have seriously hurt my mum. There’s no sign of her and the house was in complete darkness when I returned home. God, if he’s hurt her because of me I’ll never forgive myself, never. I just can’t bring myself to think about the repercussions of him hurting her. She’s the only innocent one out of the three of us and she doesn’t deserve any of this. She’s never deserved his punishments.
“Where’s mum?” I ask, needing to know that she’s safe. I’ll suffer the consequences from him if I have to but none of this is her fault. I have to know that that she’s safe, I need to know he hasn’t hurt her. I won’t be able to live with myself if anything he’s done anything to her.
“You’re really asking me about her? I’ve just told you that I know about him, Bethany. I know everything. It’s really interesting that the first thing you’ve asked me about is your mum. That’s very intriguing.”
He’s taunting me, I know it. I can barely see him in the dark, all I can see is the outline of him sitting there on my bed. I clench my fists in anxious preparation of what is to come, willing myself not to break down and not to crumble. I have to stay strong; I refuse to let him defeat me. He would only take pleasure in witnessing my despair and dissolution.
“Where is she?” I demand, repeating my question. I don’t want to take part in any of his games. I just need to know that my mum is ok. That’s all I care about.
“Well, she had to leave.”
“Why? Where did she go?”
“So many questions… it’s a good job we won’t be disturbed. Daughter, we have a lot to discuss but I suppose you need a few things clearing up first.” He sighs in exasperation, as though this whole conversation is extremely tiresome for him.
“Just tell me where she is.” I persist, wishing I could exert some control over my speech.
I long for it to sound composed and relaxed. I really want to give off the impression that I have no reason to be afraid, that I have no reason to fear him. My father is a bully and what he feeds off is fear, he hungers for it and knows I’ll always surrender it to him without too much effort.
“She was a little upset about your gran and she left.” He remains self-assured and composed; his self-assurance only intensifies my overwhelming distress.
“Why would she be upset about gran?” I ask with caution, my heart rate increases with every second that goes by.
“Because she died this morning.” He informs me.
I inhale sharply as my legs finally give way beneath me. I fall to the ground in a crumpled heap, I feel like I’ve been hit by a sledgehammer. I gasp for air when I realise I’m not getting enough oxygen, my lungs frantically searching and pleading for me to breathe. Every instinct in my body is clawing at my insides to burst into tears. I want to sob uncontrollably, I want to weep and cry and scream. The only thing that’s stopping me is the fact that I don’t want to give him the perverse satisfaction of being able to witness my destruction. Not when all of this could be a lie. I consider that for a second, he’s certainly twisted enough to make up something like this just to hurt me, just to observe my reaction. Gran could easily be alive and well, this could all be an elaborate and twisted game. Several minutes pass by and I’m still unable to speak. It’s as though the life has been sucked out of me. I feel cold, lifeless and numb.
“You’re lying.” I croak weakly. My throat feels restricted and narrow; my chest feels tight and constricted. I really start to worry that I soon won’t be able to get enough air and I sink my fingernails into my palms as I try to fight the escalation of my panic.
“I’m afraid not. The woman your gran has been staying with telephoned your gran’s next door neighbour with the news. She didn’t have our phone number so had to get in touch with Mary instead. I arrived home just a short while ago to find your mother hysterical, she left in a hurry so she could find out more from Mary and so she could telephone your gran’s friend and find out what happened. It’s safe to say she was a little bit upset.” His voice drips with sarcasm and cruelty, he lov
es every single second of this.
I finally start to contemplate the severity of what he’s saying, could it really be true? Is gran really dead? It can’t be true, it just can’t be. I’ve always thought of her as invincible, someone who will live forever. She can’t have died, it’s not possible. As the news starts to sink in, a part of me knows I might have to face the reality of the situation if he’s telling me the truth. Mum is gone, she’s not here and I can’t think of another reason that would cause her to leave the house like this, especially when she knew I’d return home to my father.
I also have to consider the possibility that he might be lying to me. He’s more than capable of such a thing. All of this could be his fucked up way of hurting me. He’s always resented the close relationship I have with gran and he’s always been envious of the time I’ve wanted to spend with her.
The uncontrollable tears continue to fall down my face; they have no intention of stopping anytime soon. I glance up at the ceiling, praying for strength, hope and courage. I need to fight him, I need to stop being so afraid, I need to protect myself from him and get out of here. My hands grasp the wall behind me as I try to pull myself up. I don’t know if I can outrun him, I don’t know if I’ll even be able to make it out of the front door but I know I’ve got to try. I don’t bother glancing in his direction, I bolt towards my bedroom door before I have chance to think about my escape for another second.
I underestimated him. I don’t even manage to take a single step before he’s on me, jerking me backwards as he grabs a hold of my hair. My whole body is yanked in the direction he’s tugging me until I land flat on my back on the floor. I’m badly winded and gasping for air, the excruciating pain of my fall causes pain to shoot up my spine. I frantically scramble on my hands and knees towards the bedroom door but before I manage to reach my destination, he deliberately steps in front of me and closes the door behind him, barricading me in.
“Get out of my way.” I wheeze breathlessly, somehow finding the strength to stand up despite the agonising ain in my chest.
“Who is this? Surely it can’t be my sweet little Bethany. You really think I’m going to just let you walk out of here after all of the lies you’ve told, after all of your dishonesty and deceit?” He finally turns on my bedroom lamp, causing my eyes to squint in the sudden light.
“What do you want from me?”
“I want answers.”
He takes a step closer towards me and I can’t help but take three steps back. My father’s not a tall man but he still towers above my tiny height and there’s still enough darkness in the bedroom to keep him in the shadows.
“How long have you known?” I whisper.
“I knew from the first moment I saw you two together in the bookstore.” He tells me, his eyes remain so cold, so unfeeling. We’ve rarely been in such close proximity to one another and I’m utterly repulsed by the idea of him being so close to me now.
I swallow anxiously. How could he have known about Jake then? I remember that day and everything about it. Jake only came into the bookstore because he was searching for me, he wanted to make things up with me after our row and he only wanted to make sure I was alright. My father had walked in on us but he couldn’t have known what was going on. The atmosphere between the three of us had been awkward and uncomfortable but I don’t see how he could have picked up on the fact that Jake and I were together.
I remember the bruises he gave me after Jake left. He was so angry; he interrogated me and asked me if I was lying to him about how I knew Jake. He still assaulted me that day even when I swore to him I was telling the truth. I know he’s being honest with me, he’s known since then, He knew that I was lying to him and that’s why he punished me that day.
“If you’ve known all this time then why didn’t you say something?” I tremble uncontrollably, barely able to speak.
“Because I wanted to watch you squirm. I needed to see you suffer. I saw how easily you lied to me that day, pretending he was a customer. You really tried to fool me, didn’t you?” He sniggers spitefully.
My eyes widen in horror, I can scarcely believe this man is my actual father. His inhumanity and malice never fails to astound me.
“Why?” I sob helplessly.
“Because it’s what you deserved! You deserved to be punished. I knew I had to wait, I had no proof and I needed evidence. I decided to be observant, I watched your every move and I knew you would slip up eventually. I figured out you had to be meeting him somewhere, you had to be sneaking around. Although, I never thought you would stoop so low as to use your dear old gran’s house.”
His insinuation makes me feel sick. He’s somehow managed to twist everything Jake and I have shared into something putrid and distasteful.
“You followed me?” I can scarcely breathe; the thought of it makes me shudder.
“I didn’t have to. I got a phone call last week from Mary; your gran’s interfering next door neighbour. I gave the nosy old bag my number a few years ago; I told her she should phone me first if there were any problems with your gran. You can imagine my surprise last week when she did just that.”
“What did she tell you?”
I can’t imagine what that woman would be able to tell him, I haven’t seen or spoken to her in years.
“She phoned me with some very interesting information about you. She told me all about the numerous visits you’ve been making to your gran’s house and how peculiar she thought it was for you to be going there whilst your gran was away. I assured her I would look into it and she went on to praise me for being such a loyal and devoted son-in-law.” He’s so smug, so arrogant and self-righteous; it makes me want to throw up.
“You disgust me.” I glare at him, hoping to convey every single ounce of hatred that I feel for him.
“And you really think I care about what a little slut like you thinks of me?” He taunts, his eyes wandering up and down my body in revulsion.
I cower away from him, despising the word he just used to describe me. I remember what he did to me when I was fourteen years old, when he found out about the plans I had made plans to go out on a date to the cinema. I remember how callous he was when he tore my skirt from me and shortened its length before scrawling the word ‘whore’ on my T-shirt. He’s always been an evil man but to know that he actually takes delight in hurting me is inconceivable. It’s something no daughter wants to admit.
“I’m not what you’re calling me and I haven’t done anything wrong. I lied to you because I knew it would be impossible to live the life I chose for myself if I told you the truth.” I argue defiantly, trying to extinguish the roaring blaze of fear threatening to take hold of me inside.
“I realised you were meeting him there and I’ve been making the occasional visit to the house, hoping to find some evidence of your sordid little rendezvous. I presume you’ve been enjoying yourself?”
“How did you get in?” I challenge him, unable to control my inquisitive nature.
“I had a copy of her front door key made a long time ago. I always knew it would come in handy. Guess what? It did.” He’s enjoying this; the evil glint in his eyes is proof of his venomous malice.
“So you know about us. What now? I know you have some awful punishment in mind so why don’t you just get it over with?” I challenge him.
I don’t plan on giving into him. I’m not about to admit defeat, not this time. My intention is to force his defences to come down. He’ll only continue to take delight in this if he views my annihilation as a conquest. His victory won’t taste so sweet if I put up a fight, he relies upon my fear. He’s exactly like a predator; he seeks the thrill that comes from toying with his prey. His appetite is hungry for revenge so I need to make this as boring as I can for him.
“The punishment I have in mind for you is something you can’t even begin to imagine. You’re no match for me, girl. You never were.” He whispers directly into my ear, forcing me to swallow down the disgusting bile in my throat.
“I might not be a match for you but I’m stronger now than you will ever be.”
He bursts out laughing, ridiculing my one and only attempt at standing up for myself. His saliva makes contact with my face and I grimace in revulsion.
“I never knew you were a comedienne, Bethany. How on earth can you think that you would be able to defeat me? You’re nothing, you’re worthless. I should have drowned you at birth. I would have done it if I’d have known what a disgrace you’d turn out to be. The only mistake I’ve made is to believe you were special, that you were different. The truth is I’ve been fooling myself for the past twenty years. You’re plain, you’re laughable and you’re pathetic. You’re exactly like your mother. ”
I choke back a sob, willing myself to remain standing. I can’t afford to give him the satisfaction of watching me crumble. I won’t do it. I can fight him, I have to. I close my eyes, desperately trying to conjure up an image of Jake. I’ve often thought of him as my life line and the truth is I’ve never needed saving more than I do right now.
“I guess I fooled you then.”
I force myself to meet his gaze with confidence. My bold impudence is quickly rewarded by a sharp, violent slap to the face. I gasp at the incredible force behind it and hold my left cheek, trying to numb the sting his blow has caused me.
“Don’t you dare speak to me like that; you’re nothing but a worthless little bitch that opened her legs for the first bloke who fancied his chances with her. I know everything; I know you’re a thief. You stole from me; I know you took money from the store. I’ve remained close by these last few weeks; I’ve been watching your every move. I checked the till and noticed the money was missing. I followed you on Monday when you got into a taxi with him. I waited for you to return and followed you all the way home; you still didn’t have a fucking clue. That’s how close I can get to you; you were completely unaware that my eyes were on you. What makes you think your future will be anything different? I’ll always be there; I’ll always be one step ahead of you. Do you really think I’m going to let you go? You belong with nobody but me and if I can’t have you then nobody else will.”
Always & Forever Page 55
