BreakMeIn

by Sara Brookes

  “I’m perfectly coherent.”

  Folding her arms in front of her, she gave him a hard glare. “I know you came to the club looking for…something. But, Alex, if this is some desperate attempt to fill—”

  “It’s not. I swear.”

  Her green eyes bored into his for a long minute as though she was studying him, looking for a reason why he’d asked this of her again. “I have to go.”

  Panicked, his hand clamped around her wrist. “Please.” Even he heard the desperation in his voice. This sort of approach was wrong, but there was nothing he could do to take it back now. All he could do now was mitigate the damage. He needed for her to understand how serious he was about discovering this piece of himself. How big this hole inside him felt. How desperate he was to feel as though he wasn’t broken anymore.

  “Don’t do this, Alex. Not to me and most especially to yourself. You don’t know what you’re asking.”

  “I know exactly what I’m asking and what it entails.” She opened her mouth to cut him off, but he plowed ahead. It was as if the dam had burst and it was impossible to plug the leak. “Despite what you think otherwise, I do. I wouldn’t have gone to the club in the first place if I hadn’t had some idea of what I’d see in there. I may not know what I want exactly, but I need to start somewhere.”

  “You know the surface, Alex. The pretty sheen across the top the general public wants to believe so they can pretend a world where people get off tying each other up or using whips to consensually hit someone doesn’t exist. Which means you don’t know jack shit.” She pushed away, her anger evident.

  “So I don’t know. It’s not a crime. I bet you started at the bottom too.” She snorted, rolling her eyes. “I feel responsible for what happened at Element. I want to make it up to you. Maybe I can even learn something about myself along the way.”

  She scowled and shook off his hold. “I’m all for a man being altruistic for someone, but this is fucking ridiculous, Alex. Did all the alcohol pickle your brain?”

  “Please sit down, Elena.” When she didn’t budge he sighed and brushed a hand over his face. It was time to confess to things he hadn’t told anyone. Not even Patrick. “Do you know why Vivian left?”

  “Not exactly, no. Something tells me I will in five minutes though,” she said snidely.

  “Things in the bedroom where never very cohesive for us.”

  Elena blew out a sigh and rolled her eyes. “I really don’t want to hear about your sex—”

  “Hear me out,” Alex interrupted. “Vivian and I worked for a while. At least I like to think we did. We both thought things would change after we got married.”

  Her arms dropped, but she listened, her body a tight string of irritation. “But they didn’t—did they?”

  “Oh they did, but not for the best. Do you know I walked in on Patrick once? He was…entertaining female company. I needed a book I’d left on a table in his room and let myself into his house because I didn’t know he was there. Or had someone tied up to a chair. It was the middle of the day for fuck’s sake.”

  He shook his head as he remembered the night he argued with Patrick about how wrong what he’d seen was. No man had the right to hold a woman at his mercy as he drew pleasure from her captivity. How disgusting and perverse it was.

  How times had certainly changed.

  “People do have sex at all hours,” she retorted.

  “Not Vivian.” He met her gaze, noticing the gold and hazel flecks of color in her eyes for the first time. He swallowed carefully, knowing he’d already opened an embarrassing can of worms. “Saturday night after ten with no lights on. Once every few months if I was lucky. My birthday was always a special treat.”

  “A celebratory blowjob?”

  “Hardly. Getting Vivian to wrap her mouth around my dick would have taken some kind of miracle. Or an act of congress. She considered most of my body foreign territory. Unless she was using it to get off the once or twice a year she wanted, she couldn’t be bothered to see to my needs. Ask what I wanted. No, my birthday was always the one night of the year we didn’t have sex in the missionary position. For this special occasion I was allowed the distinct pleasure of staring at the back of her head while we lay on our sides.”

  Elena sat with a hard thud, her annoyance evidently forgotten. “Jesus.”

  “Exactly.”

  She waved her hand at him. “I’m sorry, I’m being judgmental and that’s not right or fair. I liked Vivian. Once.”

  “It’s all right. I know you didn’t care for her much.” Vivian hadn’t cared for Elena either, so he’d done his best to keep the two women away from each other. A fact that he felt had irrevocably harmed his friendship with Elena.

  “Anyway, after I turned four shades of red and apologized profusely to both Patrick and his guest, I left. But it got me thinking. Spent the next few months doing research online. Which led me down a few paths I wasn’t sure about. So I asked around in some anonymous forums and figured what the hell, it couldn’t hurt to try something new. Anything was better than nothing. It took me nearly a year to work up the courage. Nearly another year afterward to actually ask. Mostly because I already knew the answer.”

  “She didn’t take it well, then?”

  Alex’s chest tightened as he remembered. “The night I asked is the night she moved out.”

  “Oh Alex. Vivian is a shell of a woman who had no idea how to communicate and damn it, I’m sorry. I’ll shut up now. Better yet, I’m going to go.” She grabbed the bag she’d stowed next to the door. This time he made no move toward her as she slung the case over her shoulder.

  “You never answered me,” he reminded her with a quiet sigh.

  “There isn’t an answer to give you.”

  “I need…damn it. I need to know, Elena.”

  “Know what? Your ex-wife is a coward? A callous woman who didn’t deserve you or the life you tried to offer her? I think that’s pretty evident.”

  He wasn’t sure what to tell her to make her understand he was serious. He wasn’t asking just because he needed to fill some void in his life. Sure, he’d been attracted to Anne, gyrating and moving around the bar in his perverted daydreams, but he needed something…else.

  “I need to know if I’m right. If I need this kind of thing—”

  “To what?” she spat out. “Save your marriage? It couldn’t have because less-than-vanilla sex had nothing to do with it. Vivian used what you asked as a weapon against you. It was an excuse to give her an out. Frankly you’re better off without her.”

  He looked up then, saw the anger darkening her expression. He couldn’t decide if the emotion was for him or for Vivian. “Would you rather I go to Element and offer myself to the first willing Domme?”

  She didn’t appear fazed by his question. “No, of course I don’t want you to. But, Alex, this isn’t the answer you’re looking for.”

  “All right, Obi Wan.” She snorted. “But don’t you think I should decide instead of having you tell me? This is hard enough as it is, Elena. I’m still coming to terms with the fact what I thought I wanted really isn’t true at all. Do you think I woke up one morning and decided I wanted to be the one tied up? That I wanted to be dominated after everything my father put me through? Talk about a fucking head trip.” She was quiet for so long Alex was certain he’d ruined everything. “At least come by the house later so we can talk. I need some help figuring this all out.”

  “I can’t tonight. I’ve got to work in order to make up for missing today.”

  “I’m sorry.” He felt opportunity slipping through his fingers. He wasn’t ready to give up just yet. “How about tomorrow instead?”

  She licked her lips, obviously thinking it over. “I’ve got meetings all week. It will have to be next weekend. But this conversation is done. I don’t think I can be the savior you want me to be, Alex. I can’t be the one who holds your hand. But I also don’t think you should go into this blindly. And I think you have some other
things in your life that you need to work on as well.”

  Recognizing he needed to take any slice of her assistance he could get, he nodded. “Thank you.”

  Chapter Five

  Elena drew in a breath, the cold winter air stinging her lungs. Good. It reminded her she actually stood outside Alex’s door, contemplating what her next move would be. This had to be the craziest thought she’d ever had. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t been over his house countless times, but this very moment was different.

  Something between them had changed because he knew.

  And he wanted in.

  “Why did I agree to this again?” she murmured quietly as she pulled her coat tightly around her. She could stand in front of a crowd of people, suited in white leather and work with a submissive, but the thought of stepping through Alex’s front door in the next few minutes petrified her.

  She could still change her mind. A quick glance at her watch indicated she was twelve minutes early. Enough time she could turn around, get in the car, drive away and deliver the obligatory apologies from her cell phone.

  He seemed so determined to find out more about himself. As much as she wanted to give him a piece of his life back—she couldn’t. At least not in the capacity he wanted. She was too close to the heart of the matter. And Alex obviously had some darkness to deal with. She was already hesitant to show him in the first place. Add in the alcohol and the warning signs beckoned for her to steer clear. Exactly why she refused to be a Domme for him.

  The incident the other night was first in a long string of what she suspected was many drinking binges. He hadn’t said anything and was doing a fine job of keeping a low profile with the growing habit, but she had her suspicions that night hadn’t been a one-time event.

  He probably thought the alcohol numbed the pain. And who could blame him? He had to have one hell of a broken spirit right now. But he’d reached a point with his drinking where he not only affected himself, but those who also loved him. The last thing he needed was to show up at the coffeehouse on a bender. He could burn the place down—something she knew he would never forgive himself for. A niggling in the back of her mind poked at her to say something. And this was the perfect opportunity in which to engage him in a very forthright conversation where she would have his full attention.

  “Hey there. Going to stand out here and freeze?” Looking up, she found him standing on the porch, a bottle of beer in his hand. It appeared as though he hadn’t shaved since the night of the engagement party. Possibly hadn’t even taken a shower given the unkempt appearance of his hair. She’d thought he’d looked sick at Perfect Shot, but this…this was nearing critical mass. “Come on in out of the cold. Dinner’s just about ready.”

  The scent of lasagna drifted on the cold air as Alex held the door open wider in offering. Just as he’d done countless times before and, more than likely, just as innocently. He was blind to the issue.

  Does he even know how much he’s drinking?

  She shrugged off her coat to hang it on the cherry-stained coat tree standing inside the door. She’d been here when his mother had given it to him as a housewarming present a few months ago. A new start for a new life.

  “Chilly out tonight. Forecasters say we have another storm headed this way. One right on its heels too.”

  “Wait five minutes, they’ll change their minds.”

  Alex tilted his head in agreement at the old joke about the inconsistencies of Virginia weather and gestured for her to follow. “Opened a bottle of red wine about twenty minutes ago to let it breathe. Want to pour while I serve?”

  She hesitated at the kitchen door, glaring at the seemingly never-ending line of amber bottles lining the counter beside the sink. Evidently the beer in his hand wasn’t the first of the night. It appeared as though he’d spent the entire day working his way through a twelve pack.

  Or three.

  The realization things had gotten a bit out of hand propelled her forward. Suspicions confirmed about his drinking habits, she poured a glass of wine and re-corked it without filling the second glass he’d set out.

  He raised an eyebrow at her omission, but remained quiet. She sipped as she watched him cut precise slices from the lasagna that appeared to have seen better days. The wine slid smoothly across her tongue with a rich bouquet she would have enjoyed if a heavy layer of tension wasn’t boiling her blood. She swallowed, focusing on the fact she needed to remain calm.

  “Ready for your brother to come home? Hear about all the stories about their adventure?”

  “God, I hope not.”

  She cringed at the thought of how hard the blatant display of love had to be on him. “It has to be a painful reminder.”

  “What?” Alex shook his head as he licked a stray drop of sauce from his finger. “Oh no, I just meant I suspect the majority of their stories will be how much they didn’t get to see.” He smiled and gestured with his elbow toward her as he started to walk out of the room. “Grab the bottle of wine, will you? Thought we’d pull up the coffee table and watch a movie with dinner.”

  “Sounds great.” She clutched her wine, slowly counting to ten. The need to talk to Alex before things really got out of hand churned in her gut. She would be angry with herself if she didn’t say anything. She’d known him for too long, respected him too much, to keep silent.

  It was all just a matter of timing so he didn’t feel as though she was attacking him. If he was her submissive she would have taken him over her knee and left a lasting impression. But such discipline wasn’t the kind of care Alex needed.

  She wove her way around the wide couch and kicked off her shoes before kneeling at the low coffee table situated in front of the huge flat-screen television. “What sort of bloodshed-and-testosterone-laden film will we be enjoying this evening?”

  “Die Hard.”

  She nearly snorted. “One of my favorites.” She meant it too. The more disaster on the screen, the more likely she was to kick back and forget the world for a few hours. Chick flicks had never been her thing. Though she held a special place in her heart for a few titles, she’d take a bunch of explosions over lovesick heroines any day.

  Alex nudged a movie case and a bottle of tequila toward her. “I have Rambo for later if you want to do some shots.”

  “Last time we did I woke up in the bathtub still in my clothes with the shower running.” And more liquor is the last thing you need. “No thanks. I’d rather keep my wits about me this evening.”

  The movie began and they both dug into the meal Alex had prepared. The noodles were rubbery, the meat dry and overdone. He’d never claimed to be a world-class cook, but the food he’d prepared before had always been above subpar. What he’d served tonight was barely even edible.

  Appetite diminished, she curled her legs under her as she turned her body slightly to face him. Though she kept her eyes on the screen, she kept up the running commentary with him about the movie they’d watched together countless times. They’d always found pleasure in dissecting a few inconsistencies with the plot and characters.

  “Refill?” She held out her wineglass as he gestured toward her. His hand closed around hers to hold the glass steady and Elena tried not to notice the fact her nerves jumped at the contact of their skins.

  What the hell was wrong with her?

  Alex’s eyes flashed in the glow of the television set and before she knew it, his hand slid under her hair as he reached around and cupped her nape. The contact made her eye flutter closed even as warning bells went off in her mind.

  She couldn’t do this. They couldn’t do this. Whatever this was.

  But his touch felt so damn good. Especially because she’d been waiting for it for what seemed like eternity. She may not be able to give him the lessons he’d asked her for, but this was something entirely different.

  This sort of simple contact was something she could surrender to.

  Even though it was so, so wrong.

  “Alex.”

&nbs
p; His mouth brushed gently against hers, stealing his name from her lips. Butterflies erupted in her stomach, fluttering as if they’d been suddenly released after years of captivity. In essence, they had.

  His fingertips pulled at her neck and she automatically lifted her face as he kissed her with more persistence. She didn’t even care he tasted of alcohol. It had been so long since she’d let someone else kiss her instead of the other way around.

  Kissing was normally too intimate and not something she involved in her play at the club. Or even at Sanctuary. Those places were for sex, but this, two people mouth-to-mouth, was tender, soft and full of meaning.

  One little kiss couldn’t hurt, right?

  A quiet moan escaped her throat as Alex shifted and her body responded in kind, feeling the luxurious stroke of his tongue against her lips. She gave in to him and opened without thought to consequence. His low moan filled the air and awakened something deep in her core.

  Loud gunfire and explosions emitted from the television, but Elena only worried about the inferno in her own body. Alex gave a low growl as her legs shifted around his hips, as her feet pushed against his thighs to pull him closer. The feel of his erection against the valley between her thighs suddenly ignited the moment and caused everything to turn flashpoint.

  They both fought with the Perfect Shot polo as if they couldn’t remove it fast enough. The hard work was worth the effort as he finally pulled it over his head. Bruce Willis delivered those famous lines on the screen as Alex tossed aside the shirt and reached for her, pressing his mouth against hers again as he pinned her under his body.

  “You taste so good. Better than I ever imagined.” His skillful tongue slid between her lips, one of his fingers nudging firmly against her pussy as her surroundings hazed. “Don’t you need your leathers? A flogger? Maybe something…else?”

  The questions broke through the fuzziness and froze the molten heat burning through her. What had once been a free-flowing lava stream now became a barren desert in the Arctic. The weight of it painfully clenched her chest, and her lungs burned from the lack of oxygen as she held her breath.