“You sent her away?” He gives me a doubtful look.
“I told her she needed to make things right with you. I assumed she came back here to talk to you.”
“Oh she did. And then she left again.”
“Where did she go?”
“Fuck if I know. I assumed she was with you.”
“I crashed on the couch in Jim’s office. She never came back there. Maybe she’s with Lily.”
“Probably.” He hesitates before stepping out of the doorway. “You have five minutes.” I can tell by the look on his face that the last thing he wants to do is let me in but for some reason he does anyway.
“I’ll be in and out before you know it,” I promise, sliding past him before immediately heading toward my bedroom. Or, what used to be my bedroom.
Stepping inside, I flip on the lights and head for the closet, snagging my duffle bag off the floor before proceeding to shove handfuls of clothes inside of it. I don’t bother to fold them. I don’t doubt that Finn will have my ass out the door at five minutes on the dot, so I need to focus on getting as much shit as I can before that happens.
As much as I want to try to hash all this out with him, I also don’t want to further intensify the rift between us. He has to do this his way.
I get where he’s coming from. I really do. Ainsley is his little sister. He gave up so much for her. But I also gave up a lot for her. More than she will ever know. The fact that he seems to have forgotten this, that what I did for both of them has been so easily swept under the rug, is a very fucking hard pill to swallow. But I can’t start throwing stones if I hope to salvage even a shred of this friendship.
I did what I did because I knew it was right. I’d do it again tomorrow if it came down to it. Even with things being as fucked up as they are right now, I’d do everything in my power to protect this family.
Ainsley’s face flashes through my mind. Her tear-filled eyes, the uncertainty in her expression as she climbed into her car and drove away last night. It nearly fucking broke me. Because even though I said we’d see how all this plays out, deep down I knew I was letting her go.
Ainsley doesn’t belong to me. She never has. I was foolish to let myself believe that I could have her. And now I’ve fucked up both of our lives because I refused to see things for how they are instead of how I want them to be.
But even knowing all this, even knowing that there’s no way we can be together, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with her. Because I do. I want to fight for her with everything that I have. I want to show her and the rest of the world just how much she means to me. But if doing so means she loses Finn, I could never live with myself. And I think he’s made it pretty clear where he stands on the matter.
Once I have as much packed into my duffle as it can carry, I head back out into the living room. I pass by Finn who’s sitting on the couch without a word, making a beeline for the front door.
I grab the knob then hesitate, knowing there’s no way I can leave shit the way it is. Even if it fixes nothing, I have to at least try to apologize to him.
I turn toward Finn, his focus on the television in front of him, even though I know he’s not actually paying any attention to what’s on. Last time I checked, he had zero interest in baseball.
“For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry about all of this,” I say, letting out a slow breath. “I know it doesn’t count for much, but I at least wanted you to know that.”
When I get no reaction from him, I hoist my duffle higher on my shoulder and turn back to the door, tugging it open.
“Do you love her?” His voice stops me dead in my tracks. I turn back to find him sitting in the same position, his gaze still locked on the television.
“What?” I question, truthfully not sure how to answer him.
“Ainsley. Do you love her?” he asks again. “I mean, do you actually love her?”
“I do.” I ignore my initial gut instinct to lie and decide that it’s time I’m honest, and not just with Finn but with myself as well.
Finn slowly pushes to his feet and turns toward me. “Because she clearly loves you, and that’s not easy for me to admit.”
“You have to know, I never wanted anything to go down this way. I didn’t mean for any of it to happen and I sure as fuck didn’t mean to fall in love with her. But I did, man. I fell so fucking hard from so high up that I’m pretty sure I still haven’t hit the ground.” Despite the heaviness of the situation, a trace of a smile graces my lips.
“I gave her an ultimatum.” He shuffles his feet. “I told her she either ended things with you or she was no longer welcome here,” he admits, regret the most prominent emotion on his face. “She left. Without a single fucking belonging. She just turned around and walked out. I was so sure I could force her to see things my way that I never considered she’d push back.”
“Of course she pushed back. She’s Ainsley. She’s your sister. You taught her to stand on her own two feet and fight for what she wants.”
“As much as I wanted her to concede and let me have my way, a part of me is glad she didn’t.” He pauses. “I’ve done everything for that girl. I gave up my life, my future, to make sure she had one. I abandoned every dream I had of getting out of this hell hole, and it was never a question. It wasn’t am I going to do this, I knew I had to. And not for any reason other than she’s my fucking sister and if I have one job on this earth.” He holds up his index finger. “Just one job. It’s to protect her.”
“You know I would die for her just like you would. I get why you’re pissed, Finn. If the roles we’re reversed you’d probably look a hell of a lot worse than I do right now.” I gesture to my face that’s got a pretty good gash under my eye and a very prominent bruise on my cheek. “But you have to see that there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for that girl. For both of you. I think after everything I’ve proven that much to you.”
“I want more for her than you can give her,” he tells me honestly. “It may be my fault, but you’re an ex-con, Ryland. You’ll be an ex-con for the rest of your life. That stigma will follow you everywhere you go. Maybe that’s adequate for this life,” he gestures around the room, “but not for the life she deserves.”
“I may not be able to get a job that would allow me to give her the finer things in life, but when have you ever known Ainsley to want those things?”
“You haven’t been around for the last five years. You haven’t listened to her talk about how she can’t wait to graduate college so she can get a good job and a place of her own, far away from this shit hole. She wants out, man. And if she’s with you, she’ll be stuck here forever.”
His words are like a knife to my chest. I know they’re true, but it doesn’t make hearing them any less painful.
“I don’t know how to make this right,” I admit after a long moment of silence has passed between us. “Either way, I lose.”
“I’m not okay with what went down,” Finn interjects. “And it’s going to take me some time to feel like I can trust you again. But after having some time to think about it, I get how it happened. You and Ainsley have always shared this weird connection. When she was little, she’d always ask for you before me. As she got older, that didn’t change. You were the one who slept on her floor when she had nightmares. You were the one consoling her after dad died. You were the one who made sure she was still able to find happiness in spite of everything bad going on in her life. You took her to the park and the movies. You two did everything together. And when you got locked up, it nearly fucking killed her. And I was the one that had to sit here and watch it. I had to watch her go from adoring you, to missing you, to hating you. I watched her affection morph into anger and I couldn’t do anything to make it better. She loved you even then. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself because doing so meant that I made the wrong choice in letting you take the fall. Because I think she’d have been better off with you all along.”
“Finn, we both know that isn’t
true. She needed you. She still does.”
He shakes his head. “She doesn’t need me. Not anymore. Maybe not ever. It’s always been you. I think in a way I’ve always known it. I’ve always been jealous of the bond you had with her. We may be close, but we were never as close as you two were. No matter what I did, she always chose you. Hell, she’s still choosing you.”
“You have done more for her than any brother should have to.”
“Yeah, but how great of a brother could I really be if I let the one person she loved more than anyone else take the fall for something I did?”
“Finn, we’ve been over this. I did what I did because that’s what families do for each other. There’s no way a judge would have given me guardianship of her had you gone to prison. My family was an absolute shit show and I had no way to support a fifteen-year-old. Ainsley would have ended up in the system and neither of us wanted that to happen.”
“I feel like this is my punishment. That this is what I get for letting you go to prison.”
“You have to be joking, right?” I drop my duffle next to the door and take a step back into the room. “This is on me. This has nothing to do with what went down five years ago. I broke your trust. I took advantage of a girl that deserved better from me. And I lied and covered it up because I knew deep down how fucked up it all was. The best thing I could have done for her, and for you, was head in the opposite direction the second those prison doors opened.”
“That’s not true and you know it.” Finn shakes his head.
“I went to prison for five years to protect her and then I came back here and ruined everything for her.”
“Ryland?” I turn toward the soft voice, paralyzed when I see Ainsley standing in the doorway of the kitchen.
Chapter 23
Ainsley
My heart feels like it’s about to beat straight out of my chest as my gaze slides back and forth between Ryland and Finn. I went to prison for five years to protect her... Ryland’s words sound over and over again in my head as I stand here trying to process what they mean.
“Ainsley.” Finn takes a step toward me but I hold up a hand to stop him. What Lily said about Finn keeping something from me last night comes to the forefront of my mind.
“What did you mean?” I turn toward Ryland. “What did you mean when you said you went to prison to protect me?”
“I’m not sure what all you heard, but I can explain.” Ryland holds his hands up in front of himself and takes a hesitant step forward like I’m some wild animal that may pounce at any moment.
“No, it’s me who needs to explain,” Finn speaks up, pulling both mine and Ryland’s attention to him. “I was so angry with you for lying to me about you and Ryland,” he says, his eyes locked on mine. “That I never stopped to wonder why I was so angry. But then I realized, it’s not you I was angry with. It’s myself. Because I’ve been lying to you, too... For the last five years.”
“Finn,” Ryland interjects.
“Don’t.” Finn shakes his head at him. “She needs to know the truth. It’s time that everything was out in the open.”
“The truth about what?” I butt in, starting to lose my patience.
“Ryland wasn’t the one selling drugs the night we were arrested,” Finn says after what feels like an eternity. “I was.”
“Wait... What...” I stutter, not able to string together a single set of words. “Is it true?” I finally find my voice, my gaze sliding to Ryland before going back to my brother. “Ryland took the fall for you?”
Finn drops his head. “It’s true.”
“All this time. All these years. You let me hate him. You let me believe that he had abandoned me. And all the while he was covering for you?” My voice breaks at the end.
“I had never dealt with any drugs before that. I came across an opportunity to make a quick buck and I took it. We needed the money and truthfully I thought it would be easy. Take the drugs to the drop off, switch out the money, and drive away. I’d make a few hundred dollars and no one would be any the wiser.”
“Then explain to me how your best friend spent five years in prison?” My knees shake under my weight.
“Ryland was with me. He had no idea what I was doing. I told him I needed to drop off something to a friend. When he questioned me on it, I had to come clean. He knew me well enough to know I was lying. Once he learned what I was doing, he insisted on doing the drop for me, just in case anything went down. Knowing I was now your legal guardian and what would happen to you if, on the off chance, things went sideways, I decided to let him. When he dropped the package, the guy whipped out his badge. I thought it was all over, that we were both going down. But Ryland told the cops it was all him. He insisted that I had no idea what was in the bag. When we were in the back of the cop car he made me promise not to tell anyone the truth. I didn’t want to let him take the fall, but he reminded me what would happen to you if the cops learned that I was involved. He sacrificed himself... For you. I guess that should have been my first indication of how much you actually mean to him.”
He looks over at Ryland, an apologetic look passing over his face.
“You let me believe the worst,” I say, more to myself than to anyone else.
“I asked him not to tell you. I thought it would be easier,” Ryland says.
“Easier for who?” I ask, my voice shaking. “I get not telling the cops.” I turn back to Finn. “I understand why you thought you were doing the right thing. But Finn, you let me hate him for five years. You let me blame him. All the while you could have told me the truth.”
“I could stand here and lie to you, tell you that I only wanted to honor what Ryland had asked of me. But the truth is, that wasn’t the only reason I didn’t tell you. I was afraid of what you would think of me if you knew the truth. I’ve never told anyone. Well, except Lily, and that was a guilty confession after a night of having too much to drink.”
“All this time.” I shake my head. “All this time and you continued to breathe life into the lie. And then to react the way you did last night. After everything that man has done for you. How dare you!” I point my finger at him.
“I’m not innocent in this, I’ll admit that. But what you two did stands on its own. Ryland and I came to an agreement. One that kept you safe and at home with me. But him sleeping with you,” Finn shakes his head, “that crosses a line I can’t look past.”
“And that’s your problem, Finn. It’s always about you. What you can live with. What you can or can’t accept. God! We didn’t do this to hurt you. In fact, this had nothing to do with you. But even after everything he did for you, after everything he did for me, you can’t see what he means to me. What he’s always meant to me. Ryland is more to this family than just your best friend. He’s also the person I’m in love with. And yet for some reason you continue to deny me of the one thing that makes my life worth anything. And not just now, but you’ve been doing it for the last five years.”
“Ainsley, that’s not fair. You act like I purposely set out to make you miserable. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, to be taken care of.”
“You gave up a lot to give me a good and happy home after dad died, I know that. You weren’t perfect, but you did the best you could. And I will forever be grateful for everything you did for me. But this, what you did to Ryland, what you’re still doing to him. You are so far from the person I thought you were. I thought you were the most selfless person I know. Turns out you’re more selfish than any of us.” I turn, not able to stand here and look at him for a moment longer.
“Ainsley, please. I’m sorry.” His voice is riddled in defeat.
“Yeah, Finn, so am I.”
“Ainsley.” Ryland tries to stop me as I head for the door.
“Don’t.” I shake him off. “Just because he’s the hypocrite doesn’t mean you didn’t lie to me right alongside him. I thought I could trust you. Make that two times now that you’ve broken that trust. I wouldn’t count on
there being a third.”
I shove past him and quickly exit the house, jogging to the street where my car is parked. I was hoping to sneak in the back, gather a few things, and sneak back out undetected before heading back to Matt’s. He shares an off-campus apartment with a couple other students who went home for the summer and was sweet enough to let me crash in one of their rooms last night. But after hearing Ryland and Finn talking, my plan of a quick and easy escape went right out the window.
Quickly starting my car, I’ve just popped it into gear when a hand slides over my mouth, pulling my head back against the headrest. Seconds later I feel the cold bite of steel against my throat.
Warm breath dances across my cheek as a menacing voice fills the car. “Drive.”
Chapter 24
Ryland
“Is she here?” Finn bursts into Jim’s office looking primed for a fight.
“What? Who?” I don’t try to hide my confusion or the irritation I feel over him barging in without even announcing himself first.
“Don’t fucking play with me. Ainsley. Is she here?”
“No,” I answer him honestly, gesturing around the office. “I haven’t seen her since yesterday.”
I didn’t stick around after Ainsley took off. Between her running out the way she did and Finn going back and forth between wanting to set things right and wanting to tear my head off, I didn’t see a reason to subject myself to further torment.
I said my peace. What happens now isn’t really up to me.
“She hasn’t come back home.” He looks worried. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before now. “You haven’t seen her?”
“No. I haven’t heard a word out of her. Then again, I didn’t expect to after the fucking bomb we dropped on her yesterday.” I grind my teeth. “Have you checked with Lily?”
“Have I checked with Lily?” He gives me a look that says I should know him better than that. “Of course I fucking checked with Lily. She’s the first person I called after her boss contacted me to find out why Ainsley didn’t show up for work this afternoon.”
A Thousand Cuts (CELL BLOCK C) Page 18
