See Through Heart

by Amie Knight

  “Save the smooth talk for a girl who puts out, Anthony. You and I both know that’s not me.” I tried my best to lay it out to him as plainly as possible, but he only inched closer to me in the seat.

  His face was inches from mine when he whispered across my lips, “You could be.”

  My stomach somersaulted. I had to admit I was flattered. I figured the reason for that was Anthony was from Hell and the devil had all kinds of Jedi mind tricks up his sleeve. I felt hot eyes on me and they weren’t Anthony’s, so I looked up and beyond him into the bus aisle. There stood Adrian, his face positively thunderous, and I knew that my day had gone from bad to complete shit.

  Adrian just stood there, staring at Anthony. I could tell he was trying to will Anthony from my bus seat, but he just chuckled and scooted so close that our thighs were touching.

  “Where the hell is Loralie?” Adrian asked.

  Why the heck was he so pissed at me that Lori wasn’t there? How was I expected to keep my studies up and make sure she got everywhere she was supposed to be every minute of every day? My frustration with today grew.

  I answered through clenched teeth, “Not here, obviously.”

  Adrian, Lori, and I still pretty much had the same relationship we always had growing up. The three of us spent almost every waking hour together. Unless Lori was doing one of her disappearing acts, which had become more frequent as of late. As far as I knew, Adrian hadn’t taken any steps to pull Lori into a relationship yet, but I certainly expected him to soon. We were at the age when almost everyone had a girlfriend or boyfriend, although Lori and Adrian never had.

  “Fucking hell. Again?” he asked.

  I nodded. He shook his head, walked back toward the front of the bus, and sat two seats up from us. He was clearly just as worried about Lori as I was. I needed to let Adrian know I was going to have to tell Momma.

  Miranda threw herself into the seat in front of mine and turned toward me and Anthony. “Sup, homies?”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe she could break up all of this tension, because I felt like I was about to lose my mind. She had her long, red hair in a messy bun at the top of her head and purple eyeliner around her eyes, and she was wearing a bright-pink T-shirt that said I like to party, and by party, I mean read books. That was my friend, a freaking nut. But she was fantastic entertainment.

  “Hey, hey,” I replied.

  Anthony mumbled a hello, not even bothering to look up from his phone. He was probably texting some skank.

  Miranda rolled her eyes at him and said, “No Lori again today?”

  “Nope,” I replied.

  “Shit. That’s, like, the third time in the last two weeks alone. What are you going to do?”

  I pursed my lips in thought and then frowned. “You know what I have to do, Miranda,” I said.

  She shook her head and muttered, “That sucks.”

  “Pretty much,” I said. I looked over Miranda’s shoulder to find Adrian still glaring daggers at me.

  Miranda saw the direction of my stare and turned toward Adrian. “What’s up with tall, dark, and geeky up there?” she asked.

  She’d designated Adrian that name because he had gotten his dark-rimmed glasses last year. She obviously thought they were nerdy. I didn’t think that at all. I thought those glasses were smoking hot.

  I sighed and sank lower in my seat so he couldn’t see me. “He’s just pissed that Lori didn’t make it to the bus again today.”

  Miranda laughed and reached down to pull her headphones out of her book bag. The girl was forever listening to an audio book. “Ains, he is not pissed about Lori. He is pissed about this.” She used her hand to gesture between Anthony and me and shook her head at me.

  What the hell is she talking about?

  Anthony smirked, but I didn’t know what the heck was going on.

  “Get a clue, honeybee,” she said before pushing her earbuds into her ears.

  I obviously needed to get a clue because I had no idea what in the hell was happening in my life. Lori was AWOL. Anthony Jackson was sitting in my bus seat, making googly eyes at me. And Adrian was trying to kill me dead with just one glare. Worst. Day. Ever.

  When the bus reached our stop, Adrian practically dove for the seat I was sharing with Anthony. He jerked me up and out my seat. I had to climb over Anthony for fear of sitting on him. I looked behind me for help, but Miranda only waggled her eyebrows and mouthed, “Good luck.” Traitor. I’d get her later—and her little dog too.

  I made it off the bus alive, but just barely. I had no idea what he was doing or where he was going, but apparently, he had something dire he needed to tell me. I was running to keep up with him when he abruptly stopped between the two cotton fields near our homes. He ducked in between them and walked me down a good ways. I couldn’t help but take in their beauty. The fields were full of cotton this time of year, and all I could see around us were beautiful fluffs of white. Adrian surprised me by grabbing the back of my head and bringing my forehead to his.

  My body turned to stone. “What is it, Adrian? Is everything okay? Did your dad do something?” I must have sounded insane, but he was scaring me.

  He licked his lips, and being as close as we were, I couldn’t help but look. I knew I shouldn’t. This boy’s lips were going to kill me. They looked so soft and pink. There wasn’t anything about him that didn’t call to me. Adrian was turning into a beautiful man, and I couldn’t help but take notice. All. The. Time. At the pool this summer, I had noticed how his muscles were becoming more defined. How the smattering of hair on his chest led to a fine line of hair on his stomach that dipped down below the waistband of his swim trunks. That trail of hair had kept me up more nights than I could count.

  And it seemed like Adrian knew I liked to look at his body. It seemed he knew I loved the bit of stubble on his chin. It even seemed that he knew I loved the way he pushed his dark glasses back to the top of his nose. It seemed this way because he would mow the yard in his basketball shorts sans his shirt, looking so lovely, sweaty, and tan. He would rub his scratchy chin with his palm, push his glasses up on his nose, and then wink at me. Double whammy. Bastard.

  He knew what he was doing. The boy had me in a constant state of sensual wonder. The kind of state that had me envisioning my small hands caressing his tanned chest. Or tracing that enticing trail that led to those swim trunks. I would wonder how the hair on his cheeks and his chin would feel against my own smooth cheeks. I would muse on whether he would take his glasses off if he ever ventured to press his lips to mine. Those perfect lips. Holy hell, I was a sixteen-year-old hormonal girl who had never been kissed. Didn’t he know the torture he was inflicting? He must have, but we both knew that Adrian wasn’t for me. We were best friends, and as far as I was concerned, he had always been Lori’s to have. Not mine. Not ever. I couldn’t do that to her.

  “Ainsley, my father doesn’t hurt me anymore. He can’t. You know what happened the last time he put his hands on me. Stop worrying about me. There’s something we need to talk about,” he whispered.

  I ignored him and went on. “Is this about Lori? I’m gonna have to tell Momma she hasn’t been coming home. It’s going to suck because Mom’s going to be so let down, but don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it,” I said. I was a rambling fool, but why was he so damn close to me? Back up, buster, before my skin catches fire.

  But Adrian just shook his head back and forth against mine.

  I raised my hands and grabbed both of his cheeks. “What’s wrong, then? Say something. You’re scaring the crap out of me.”

  He lifted his head from mine just enough to look me right in the eyes. “Do not go out with Anthony, Ains,” he whispered. He leaned forward, and I damn near had a panic attack.

  I thought he was coming for my lips, but he placed a long kiss to my right cheek. Okay, it wasn’t a kiss on the lips, but still, it felt incredible. He ran his nose down that side of my face. He laid his big hands on my waist, and their gr
ip was iron tight.

  “He’s not good enough for you, Sunshine.” Another slow kiss on my other cheek.

  I felt my eyes close. They felt heavy and sleepy, so I left them shut.

  “I won’t stand for it, Ains. You’re better than that. Do you understand?” He placed another kiss over one of my closed eyelids.

  I knew he was talking, and on some level, I guess I knew he was telling me to stay away from Anthony, but I felt buzzed, drunk on his mouth and his breath. He kissed the underside of my jaw, and I leaned my head back, moaning a little. I could smell him all around me. He didn’t smell like the little boy I’d shared sleeping bags and snow sleds with. He didn’t smell like boy and sunshine and dirt anymore. He smelled like clean sweat, shampoo, and man. Like heaven. It was intoxicating. And, Lord, he felt good.

  “Did you hear me, Ainsley?” He placed a final kiss on the slope of my collarbone and left his lips there, breathing heavily.

  My own breath was coming fast and heavily, and I could feel the pulse in my neck jumping violently. I wondered if he could see it. I felt my entire body pressed against his, and it felt too right. The stubble on his chin brushed my neck and I felt goose bumps race across my entire body. My tank top was itchy and tight against my breasts, and I wanted it off. My chest and my neck prickled with heat, and I wanted Adrian to keep kissing me—but lower. I felt warmth pool in my belly like wildfire, so I clenched my thighs together to relieve some of the pressure. It didn’t help at all. Adrian slowly let me go, but my Jell-O legs barely held me up, so he kept his hands on my hips to steady me.

  “Do you understand?” He made sure to look me right in my eyes. Those blue eyes. Blue.

  God, what the hell was wrong with me? Hell no, I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand the feelings coursing through my body. I didn’t understand the meaning behind those sweet, slow kisses. I didn’t understand why I wanted more. I did understand that I wanted this feeling to stop. I couldn’t speak for fear my voice would give away my need or my anxiety, so I nodded and turned away from him. Jesus, he hadn’t even kissed me on the mouth and I was a ridiculous, sexually frustrated mess. Get it together, Ains. He didn’t need to know how he affected me. I held my head high and walked out of our hidden spot amongst the cotton fields on wobbly and quivering legs with too many questions in my heart and arousal rampant in my veins.

  Angry. Irate. Furious. Incensed. Fuming. Infuriated. I was learning that there were a hell of a lot of words to describe mad, and all of them had run through my mind one time or another in the last few hours.

  It was ten p.m. And I wanted to hurt somebody, mostly Lori. She still wasn’t home yet, and I was livid. Oh look, another “mad” word. And you know what made me even madder? I hated being this angry. It wasn’t in my nature. I was a nice, happy, go-with-the-breeze kind of girl. But now? Yeah, I was even more pissed off that I was this pissed off.

  I had basically been sitting on the couch since I’d made it home from school. I sighed. So only, like, five or six hours. I had tried playing my violin or doing some schoolwork. No dice. I just couldn’t concentrate. I was too mad at Lori. What in the hell was she thinking? She couldn’t just keep staying out all night and expect me to say nothing.

  The ping of my phone from the coffee table interrupted my internal rant. I leaned over to grab it, hoping and praying that it was Lori. It wasn’t. I could tell by the notification up top that it was Adrian. My fingers itched to open that bad boy up and take a look, but I didn’t. I couldn’t deal with any more from Adrian that day. I could only climb one mountain at a time, and at that point, that mountain was Lori. My phone pinged again and I jumped. Damn him. He wasn’t going to leave me alone. I felt my anxiety ratchet up a notch higher. What if I didn’t answer him and he came over? I couldn’t face him after what happened earlier. Not after he had laid those soft, pink lips to my skin. I felt hot all over from just thinking about it. I picked the phone up and quickly read the text.

  Adrian: Lori make it home?

  Adrian: Don’t ignore me, Sunshine. I know you are wide awake, sitting on the couch waiting for Lori to get home. Probably mad as hell.

  Holy crap, could he see me? I jumped up and looked around the room and out the front window. Another ping.

  Adrian: I can’t see you. I just know you. Go to bed and deal with Lori’s crap tomorrow.

  I could envision the smug smile on his face. He just knows me. I rolled my eyes and reclined back on the couch, propping my legs on the side of the sofa. I twirled a long piece of curly hair that had come out of my ponytail at the back of my head. Placing the phone facedown on my stomach, I twirled some more. I wasn’t answering him. He had rocked my world earlier. I couldn’t even address the mess he had made out of our friendship. And all because one Anthony Jackson had sat next to me on the bus? It was crazy, and his reaction had been completely uncalled for. The boy had lost his ever-loving mind, and I wasn’t going to give it one second of my time tonight. One mountain at a time, damn it.

  Ping! I stupidly looked at my phone again.

  Adrian: I could always just come over and check on you since you won’t answer my texts? We need to talk anyways.

  Shit! Shit! Shit! No! He couldn’t come over. God knows what would happen. He might use his magic lips on me again. They had to be magical because I was still thinking of them against my cheeks. And my neck. Mmmmmm. Goose bumps broke out on my arms. Those lips obviously made me make the worst decisions ever. I needed to stay far away from them, so I picked up the phone and typed out a quick reply.

  Me: No, don’t come over! I’m already in my pajamas and getting ready for bed. :)

  I was lying. I was a liar. I was not in my pajamas, and I wasn’t going to go to bed until Lori walked through that door and we had a long talk. I’d made sure to add that smiley face though. It made everything better, right?

  I could see the little dots, so I knew he was writing me back and not marching across our yards. Relief swept through me until his text came through.

  Adrian: We really need to talk, Ainsley. I don’t want you seeing Anthony, and we need to talk about us.

  Us? I obviously hadn’t gotten the memo that there was an “us,” because as far as I was concerned, we were only friends. Had only ever been friends. The locket. He had given the locket to Lori and our fates had been sealed. Up until that very day, he had never made the moves on me or even remotely acted like we were anything more than friends.

  Talking? Nope. Not happening. Because I’d learned Adrian’s new way of talking after school and I didn’t like it one bit. Again, I was lying. I loved it, but still, it wasn’t right! Oh, God, I was freaking out. I furiously twirled my hair and bounced my left knee. And then I saw more dots. Ping!

  Adrian: At least answer me that you understand about Anthony.

  No. He. Didn’t. Why did he possibly think it was okay to get a vote on who I date? I mean, Adrian was probably right. Anthony most likely wasn’t the best choice for me, but my decisions and my mistakes were mine to make, damn it. I wondered if Anthony’s lips would feel as good as Adrian’s. Because Adrian’s had felt amazing and they hadn’t even kissed my lips. And his smell. God. I heard myself moan into the quiet room and it quickly snapped me back to reality.

  What in the hell was wrong with me? What was wrong with Adrian? I typed out a quick text that would end this disturbing conversation once and for all.

  Me: You do not get to pick who I date, Adrian Michael Davis. Do you understand me? I’ll see you at the bus stop tomorrow morning, where we will talk. With actual words. And there won’t be any of that witchcraft wizardry sorcery shit that you pulled on me after school today. Goodnight!

  I turned my phone to silent and slammed it down on the coffee table. A girl could only take so much. I was losing my mind. Because my once childhood friend was making me insane and I already had too much to deal with. I sat on the couch and twirled my hair some more. And I continued to wait for Lori.

  The sound of a door slamming snapped
me out of a deep sleep. What was I doing on the couch? Oh, that’s right. Lori. It was pitch black in the room, but I could see Lori stumbling around, trying to pull her boots off. At least she was doing that. We didn’t wear shoes in Momma’s house. And Momma was serious about it. It was the law. I looked at the clock on the living room wall. It was eleven thirty. What in the hell was she thinking? Momma would be home in less than an hour. It was like she didn’t even care about getting caught.

  Lori finally got her boots off and was slowly and very quietly trying to make her way to her bedroom. We hadn’t shared a room in a while. Lori had moved down the hall from me, claiming she wasn’t a child anymore and she needed her own space. I’d understood and wanted a room of my own also. But, lately, it seemed like Lori didn’t need space. Seemed to me she needed someone to watch her like a hawk because she was making the worst of decisions.

  She didn’t see me standing in the shadows and thought she was getting away with this crap again. I couldn’t let her go. I had to say something. I stood up and walked toward her.

  “Lori,” I said firmly into the quiet, dark room.

  She quickly turned around to face me, almost tripping over the end table next to the couch. I reached out with my hand and caught her arm, steadying her. Somehow, she still managed to crash into me. She looked up at me with a lopsided smile.

  “Hey, Ains. What are you still doing up?” she drunkenly slurred. Her eyes were wild and unfocused, caked in runny eyeliner. Her black flannel and her jeans reeked of cigarettes and stale beer.