See Through Heart

by Amie Knight

  My strokes came faster and harder as I imagined having her on her knees before me, her gorgeous mouth wrapped around me while her own hand furiously rubbed between her legs. That was what did it. Her on her knees, my hands in her hair, me fucking her face. I felt the prickle of my orgasm start at the base of my spine and shoot upwards, the impact of it almost sending me to my knees while I came on the shower floor. Shit.

  I laid my forehead against cold tile of the bathroom and shook it back and forth. What in the ever-loving hell was wrong with me? Thinking of Ainsley sucking me off wasn’t going to help me move on with my life. Now that she was back in town, I was back at square one. I felt like my sixteen-year-old self again and I hated it. As a teenager, I had come on the shower floor more times than I could count to the thought of Ainsley James. I didn’t want to moon after some girl who had practically ripped my heart from my chest. I slammed my fist into the bathroom wall, turned the water off, and then got out of the shower.

  I should have felt relaxed after that mind-blowing orgasm, but instead, I was furious with myself and felt more on edge than ever. I finished getting dressed as quickly as possible and headed out. I was locking the front door to my apartment when I heard a familiar voice from behind me.

  “There you are. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days.” Greta made her way up the sidewalk, her hips swaying in a black skirt-suit combination that usually made my dick rock hard. Now? Nothing.

  I sighed. I was in a shit mood, and while I didn’t want to take it out on her, I was pissed that she had stopped by without an invite. She knew what the deal was between us, and that deal was just sex. There were not hearts, romance, or flowers. Which meant there damn sure shouldn’t have been any uninvited stops by my place.

  “What are you doing here, Greta?” I asked. I knew she could hear the irritation in my tone. It was written all over her disappointed face.

  She popped her bottom lip out in a pout and said, “I’ve missed you. I’ve been calling for days and you haven’t answered, so I thought I’d stop by and see how you were doing.”

  She came closer, and I could smell the strong floral scent of her perfume. I used to think that bottom lip was adorable. I used to think her perfume smelled like sex and flowers. Now, they were both giving me a damn headache. Jesus, I just wanted her to get in her expensive-ass car and go, but I knew there was absolutely zero chance of that happening without me brushing her off.

  “Yeah, I’ve been really busy. How about I call you later when things slow down?” I asked. I jingled my keys and headed for the parking lot.

  I was hoping she would take the hint and get gone. She did not want to have to deal with me. Hell, even I didn’t want to deal with my grumpy ass.

  But it was too much to ask for her to just leave, of course. She quickly walked to catch up with me and jumped in front of me. She pinned her body up against mine and wrapped her arms around my neck. Her face was so close to mine that our noses were touching, and I felt my stomach roll. It felt wrong and dirty to be pressed so closely to someone else when I’d just gotten off in the shower to images of Ainsley.

  “Don’t you want to go upstairs and play for just a bit?” Greta asked through her Cheshire cat grin. She looked ready to pounce, and I was in no temper for that.

  “Look, babe. I’m not in the mood today. I have a lot on my mind and things I have to get done this afternoon, so I’ll call you when I’m free. Okay?” I was trying to be as clear as I could because she was obviously having trouble getting the fucking message. I removed her arms from around my neck and skirted past her, heading to my old, blue mustang. I heard the clack of her heels following behind me in the parking lot and thought I was out of the woods. Wrong.

  “Adrian, you’ve been acting weird since we saw that girl at Beau’s. Is that what this is about? Are you seeing someone else?”

  She had said “that girl” like Ainsley was beneath her, and I felt my temper start to climb.

  Before I could stop myself, I turned around and shot back, “That girl’s name is Ainsley, but you’d do fucking well to keep her name out of your mouth. You got me?”

  Greta nodded.

  I kept going. “You know what we have is casual, Greta. I won’t be expecting any more uninvited visits here. I’m in a crap mood today, so I’ll call you when I’m not busy, yeah?” I finished sternly.

  “Yeah,” Greta answered back and rushed on her high heels to her car. She got in her white Lexus, slammed the door closed, and peeled out of the parking lot.

  I ran my hands through my hair as I made my way to my car. I got in and then slammed my own car door behind me. God, this day was turning to shit. I rolled the window down and turned the radio as loud as I could stand, hoping that it would keep my thoughts of Ainsley at bay. She was reeling me back in, and I couldn’t let her. I needed to reinforce the steel walls around my heart, and if that meant I had to be a complete douchebag to her, then so be it. I didn’t care what Miranda had to say about it, either. I wasn’t forgoing my happiness for Ainsley’s. Fuck that.

  I stopped by Jessi’s favorite Mexican place, picked up the soup she liked, and headed to her place. I would drop it off, pay her a quick visit, and then get the hell out of there, seeing Ainsley as little as possible. Since I was that way, I’d probably pay my dad a visit too. We got along okay nowadays. He’d stopped drinking after I had gone away to college. Through a lot of therapy and AA meetings, my dad was getting there. We didn’t have a stellar relationship, but every day, it was getting better. He was still mostly a crotchety, old asshole, but he’d lost the love his life and his little girl in one swoop, so I understood, even if he pissed me off sometimes.

  I pulled all the way into Jessi’s drive, wincing at the sight of Ainsley’s truck. Of course she’d be home. How else would my day get even worse if she wasn’t? I grabbed the soup and made my way up the sidewalk I’d traversed too many times to count in my lifetime. The sky was cloud covered, and the smell of rain floated in the air. I knocked once before letting myself in. We were almost family, and Jessi never locked her doors during the day. Gilbert was a safe, little country town.

  “Hey hey,” I said loud enough for anyone who was listening to hear as I took my Converse shoes off in the foyer.

  I didn’t get an answer, so I made my way around the corner and into the living room, where Jessi and Ainsley were curled up together under an afghan on the couch, watching some “who’s the daddy” daytime television garbage. It almost made me smile seeing them cuddled up like that. Ainsley’s face was still made up to the nines, her hair thrown up in some elaborate but messy thing chicks did at the top of their heads. Her face looked open and expressive, and I liked it way too much. They were so engrossed in the television that they didn’t even notice me until I was practically on top of them.

  “Hey, gorgeous. I brought your soup,” I said as soon as Jessi’s eyes met mine.

  “Aw, baby, you didn’t have to do that. I could have sent Ainsley to get it for me,” Jessi replied while standing to hug me.

  I noticed over her shoulder how shocked Ainsley looked to see me standing in their living room, and I couldn’t help but smile at the kick I got out of it. Good. She could stand to be uncomfortable for a bit. I’d been a damn mess for days.

  “You stay right there, I’m gonna go reheat this and put it in a bowl for you.” I held the container of soup up.

  Jessi smiled and nodded, and I headed into the kitchen.

  Then I heard, “I’ll be right back. I’m gonna help,” from Ainsley.

  I was already pulling a bowl out of the cabinet and filling it with soup when Ainsley came into the kitchen. I didn’t need her help. I knew this kitchen well. I put the soup in the microwave and turned it on, determined to ignore Ainsley.

  I grabbed a spoon from the silverware drawer when Ainsley quietly called, “Adrian.”

  I gave her my eyes even though I didn’t want to, and damn, it was a terrible mistake because my gaze couldn’t help but trav
el the entire length of her gorgeous body. She was way thinner than she had been in high school but no less beautiful, and the tight, purple tank top and even tighter, black pants she had on did nothing to hide it. Fuck, her nipples. She wasn’t wearing a bra. I was being tested in ways I never had before, and I hated how much I wanted to fail. I hated how much my body wanted hers.

  “What?” I snapped back as my eyes roved her body one more time. Yes, it was the worst form of torture, but I couldn’t stop myself, and I felt strung tight with tension, ready to snap at any moment.

  Ainsley folded her arms over her breasts, covering her nipples like she was hiding them from me, as she said, “There’s a leak under the sink in here. I tried to figure out what was wrong with it, but I couldn’t see the problem. Momma said you would take a look when you got here. Do you mind?”

  I could tell she hadn’t wanted to ask me for a thing, but she had for her momma, so I said, “Yeah, sure. After I get your momma her soup, I’ll have a look.”

  She threw a smile at me that used to light my entire world. That smile used to guide me through the worst days of my life. It pissed me off that she dared smile at me like that again. It made me want things I couldn’t have. It made me remember. I loved that smile entirely too much, and I couldn’t have her give me one ever again.

  “I’d have brought some soup for you, too, ya know, but I thought you would have hightailed it back to Nashville by now. But I guess it’s not a big deal. You don’t look like you really eat much anymore, anyhow,” I sniped.

  I expected a pained look or at least a fight in response to my caustic words, but what I got was worse. Because it was nothing. It was like she understood and accepted my malice. I didn’t want that, and I damn sure didn’t like it. I wanted the opposite of that smile. I wanted her anger, her hostility. I wanted a damn reason to still hate her. I definitely didn’t want that vacant look on her face because it made me think of what Miranda had said. It made me think that maybe she was right—that Ainsley was broken.

  She grabbed the soup and the spoon from my hands and mumbled, “I’ll take these to Momma so you can look at the sink.”

  I just stood there, my mouth open, stunned like the asshole I was. So as not to add to my mortification, I grabbed a step stool from the laundry room off the kitchen and put it sideways in front of the cabinet sink. I removed a bucket half full of water from underneath the sink, sat down on the stool, and leaned back into the cabinet so I could clearly see the leaking pipe. It looked like it just needed to be tightened, so I got up and looked for a wrench in the kitchen junk drawer. After five minutes of scrounging around for it, I found it at the back of the drawer with about five million other things. I sat back on the stool, leaned back into the cabinet like before, and got to work.

  I was almost done when I saw sexy-as-hell black-clad legs standing in front of me. I continued tightening the pipe even as I could feel her hot gaze on me. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t handle one more second of it. If I didn’t say something soon, I was going to jump up from under this sink, strip her naked, and bury my cock in her in record time—whether I liked her or not. Because liking her didn’t seem to matter to my body one way or the other.

  I took a deep breath and said, “Ainsley, are you staring at my dick? Because I feel like you’re staring at my dick.”

  “I…I… Of course I am not staring at your dick. Because…well…that would be crazy and I’m not crazy. Why…why…would I do that?” she rambled.

  I couldn’t help the smirk or the scoff that fell from my lips. Yep, she’d totally been staring at my dick. I was glad I wasn’t the only one in this lust-fueled hell.

  I finished tightening the pipe, pushed out from under the sink, and sat up on the stool. There stood Ainsley, leaning against the stove, waiting on me. She was looking at me like her mind was full of questions, so I raised my eyebrows in a “go on” gesture.

  She took a deep breath and asked, “You help Momma out a lot, don’t you?”

  I’d had a feeling we were going to have this conversation ever since our talk at the hospital. I didn’t want to explain to her what I’d been doing for the last four years. She didn’t have the right to know me or my life anymore.

  So, instead of answering, I asked, “What’s it to you, Ains?”

  Her face got red, and I could see her trying to control her anger. “What’s it to me? What kind of question is that, Adrian? She’s my mother. I think I have right to know what’s going on in her life. Who’s helping her. Who’s taking her places.”

  I let out a sarcastic laugh, put the stool back into the washroom, and closed the cabinet underneath the sink. “Babe, you have got to be fucking kidding me. You gotta be, because while your ass was doing God knows what, gallivanting around Nashville, I’ve been here, taking care of”—I pointed my finger in her face—“your Momma.”

  I had her. I could see the rage taking over her face and knew I had her. Yes. Give me all of that anger and let’s hash this shit out and move on with our lives. I wanted this done so I’d never have to talk about this again. So I’d never have to have this conversation with her ever again. I wanted to finally be done with this pain, done with her. I wanted some fucking peace in my life.

  “Give me a break, Adrian! When are you going to stop punishing me for leaving? How long are we going to continue to be awful to one another? When will enough be enough?” she yelled across the kitchen.

  “Give you a break? Seriously, give you a break? You’ve been home for less than two fucking weeks and I’m supposed to just let bygones be bygones? Is that how this is? Well, that’s not ever happening, Ainsley, so you give me a fucking break!” I yelled back as I walked out of the kitchen, pulling my keys from the front of my jeans pocket.

  Fuck her. She wanted me to give her a break? She’d had a fucking break for the last four damn years. Meanwhile, I’d been sweeping up all of the damn pieces she and Lori had left behind.

  I opened the screen door of the house to a torrential downpour. It was raining so hard that I could barely see two feet in front of me, but I kept right on going. I needed to get the hell out of there. Right before I made it to the driver’s side door, I was intercepted by Ainsley.

  She leaned against the door in the pouring rain, her clothes soaked through, her eyes tipped up to mine. Her chin trembled as yelled at me, “Why didn’t you come?”

  I didn’t understand what she was asking. Why hadn’t I gone where? Why the hell were we standing in the rain, asking stupid questions?

  “What are you talking about?” I asked.

  Even in the rain, I saw tears slip from her eyes.

  “Why didn’t you come for me when I left? Momma knew where I was. Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you text? Hell, why didn’t you even e-mail? Why, Adrian, why?” she begged, banging her small fist against my chest.

  She’d wanted me to come for her. I felt an ache in my chest—one I hadn’t felt since the morning I had woken up alone in that bed and known she had left me. It hurt, so deep and so raw, that I wanted to scream this neighborhood to the ground, but instead, I grabbed her hands from my chest and asked, “Why did you leave? Why did you leave me when I needed you most? How could you do it knowing how I loved you? How could you be so fucking careless with my heart?”

  I tried to shove her away, but she grabbed the fabric of my shirt, pulling me closer until our wet bodies were up against each other. She was pressed against the car door, with me pressed to her front. Thunder sounded in the distance and rain pounded the pavement all around us, but all I could see and feel was her, the tiniest glimmer of my sunshine in this monsoon.

  “Why didn’t you come?” she whispered across my lips. She looked as defeated as I felt.

  I grabbed her face hard between my palms, using my thumbs to wipe the tears from under her eyes. I couldn’t believe she didn’t understand why I hadn’t come for her. It rocked me with so much emotion that I couldn’t help but tell her the truth.

  I looked d
eeply into her eyes. “I didn’t come for you because I couldn’t. I couldn’t chase after you knowing you’d left me without a care. I know you were hurting, Ains, but I was hurting too. How can you not see it? How can you not see that Lori left me too?” I dropped my hands to her shoulders and shook her body. “My mother and my sister left me against their will. It was quick and shocking, but it still fucking killed. My father deserted me for the damn liquor bottle, only paying me attention with his fist, and then Lori… God. I never expected you to do that to me. Ever. I never expected you to willingly leave me, Ainsley. You weren’t supposed to do that. You were supposed to be there for me like you’d been for ten damn years. I couldn’t fucking come after you because you’d crushed me. I couldn’t come after you after that. I still can’t. I’m still too damn hurt. Do you understand?” I yelled through the gushing rain and howling wind. Mother nature’s violent disturbance swirled around us, but I hardly noticed because I could only focus on the storm within me. It raged inside. It was brutal and savage, and I wanted to cry from the fierceness of it.

  Ainsley lowered her head to my chest, and even though the rain was too loud to hear her cries, I saw her shoulders shake with sobs. She lifted her head to mine, her mouth but a breath away, and said, “God, Adrian, forgive me. Please forgive me. I was such a mess. Every day here was pure agony without Lori. Every time I looked at you or Momma or anything here, all I could see was her. It was ruining me. I had to leave. Please forgive me. I was such a disaster.”

  I placed my hands back on her cheeks and rubbed my thumb against the pink staining her lips. “You think you’re not a disaster anymore? You think you aren’t a mess anymore? Then what the hell is this shit all over your face?” I kept rubbing her lip with my thumb until the true color of her lips came through. The pink was smudged all around her mouth, and the rain washed more of her makeup away. “Who are you pretending to be today, Ains? Why the hell are you so thin? Why are you hiding behind some veneer that isn’t you? You’re still a fucking wreck, and it kills me that, even as shattered as you are right now, I still want you more than my next breath. Because I can see through all of this shit you try to cover up with. I see through straight to the heart of you. Straight to my Ainsley. The girl who rescued me time and time again as a kid. And I can’t help but still fucking love her. And I hate myself for it.”