See Through Heart
Page 22
I wanted to take her home so she could, God forbid, rest or put her feet up and watch a movie for a while. But I knew there was no place she’d rather be than with her family, so instead, I rubbed my hands up and down her back and kissed the fragrant spot right beneath her hairline. She loved my mouth in that spot almost as much as I did.
“You want me to go back to the store? Everything closes at noon, but I can make it if I go now,” I asked in all seriousness.
“No, I’ll drink the damn green,” she said before kissing my lips and then pressing her face back into my chest.
“Come on. We better get out there before they come looking for us,” I told her, grabbing her hand and pulling her from the kitchen.
We rounded the corner and found Blue happily stretched across Holden and Miranda’s laps. That’s right. Miranda had found her Deuce or whatever the hell his name was. He came in the form of Holden Steel, an intimidating ex–Army Ranger whose smiles and laughs were rare, but his love for Miranda was fierce. And that alone was enough for me and Ainsley.
“Come here, baby Blue,” Jessi said from the recliner next to us.
Blue climbed over Holden’s lap and down.
Jessi pulled him up into her lap and asked, “So, what’s this news you had to tell us before we could start making the donuts?”
Jessi had been in remission for three years, and every day we spent with her felt like the greatest of blessings. She’d been such a big help with Blue, and honestly, I didn’t know what we would have done without her—or, surprisingly enough, my dad. He sat next to Miranda and Holden on the couch, his face as full of anticipation as everyone else’s. My dad’s sobriety reminded me of the good years before I’d lost my mother and Maggie. The fact that Blue got to experience the goodness my dad had to give almost made up for the bad years I’d endured.
“Well,” Ainsley said, letting out a long breath. “We wanted to wait until we were far enough along before we said anything, but we’re pregnant!”
The room broke into applause and shouts of happiness.
“Halle-fucking-lujah! I’m so glad the cat is finally out of the damn bag,” Miranda said, jumping up off the couch. “I’m freaking starving! Let’s go make donuts.”
“Miranda Elaine, watch your mouth in front of the baby!” Jessi shouted from her seat.
The sound of Holden’s laughter broke through all the chaos and stopped every one of us in our tracks. He had his big head thrown back, and giant booms of laughter echoed through the room. We all just stared. No matter how many times we saw it, it was still shocking. It was odd to see his face transform so completely. Miranda threw him a wink over her shoulder and laughed along with him.
Ainsley broke the silence. “You did not know, Miranda. We told no one. There is no way you could have known,” she said, getting up out of my lap and walking toward Miranda. Her hackles were raised, and I smiled at her and Miranda’s familiar craziness.
“Oh, honey, everyone knew. You’ve been miserable the past two months and as much as you like to think you are good at hiding your misery, you aren’t. In fact, you suck at it,” Miranda said back with snark.
I looked around the room. These insane people were my family. We’d walked through hell together. And, somehow, we’d managed to come out the other side better for it. Our grief had broken us in unimaginable ways, but our love for each other had pieced us back together. And Ainsley—she was getting stronger every day. Every time we pushed our child on the old, rusty, blue swing set in the backyard. Every day we spent by the creek in Grammy’s backyard with Blue. Every tomato we fed our little guy straight from the vine. I’d see the memories pour into her. Those memories would fill her up, and sometimes, she’d smile. And, sometimes, they would spill over and onto her cheeks. And me and Blue, we’d just kiss them away.
Author's Note
I started this book because I had a story in my heart—one that I felt had to be told. As an avid romance reader and blogger, I never dreamt that I would finally take the plunge and write a book, but this story wouldn’t go away. It practically demanded to be written, and I finally caved. I knew that it was going to hurt me. I knew I would cry. And I knew that it would make me remember. You see, while most of See Through Heart is fictionalized, there are parts of this heartbreaking story that are very real to me. One of those parts happens to be the character Loralie Nicole James. I had my very own Loralie. Only her name was Lauren. We were cousins and grew up together like sisters, much like the characters in this book. And, just like Lori’s character, we lost her to drugs and alcohol. Only Lauren didn’t get the peace that comes with death. Instead, she is massively brain damaged, lives in a nursing home, and can’t even perform even the simplest of human functions. A vegetative state, they call it. Lauren’s overdose ravaged my family. It still does. I wanted to tell her story. I wanted to shout from the rooftops how much I loved her. I wanted the world to know what this did to my loved ones. I wanted to tell everyone how kind, giving, sweet, and fun she was. How she called me up the day she had her baby boy and demanded that I have one of my own right then so they could grow up and be best friends just like us. And how, one year later, almost to the day, my own son was born and she was ecstatic. And how only, a year after that, she was gone. I wanted to tell how Lauren’s overdose had changed our lives so completely. How I still miss her every day. How that feeling never goes away. So I did. I made Lori. She was my first character, and from there, Ainsley and Adrian’s story bloomed.
I don’t need to give you guys statistics for you to know that treating depression or ADD or any other kind of mental disorder with drugs and alcohol is an epidemic in this country. Our mentally ill need help so badly, and if my book makes one person seek help for their loved ones or themselves, then it will be well worth the time it took for me to write it. Don’t wait until it’s too late.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline
1 (800) 662-HELP (4357)
Tony: You always encourage me to follow my dreams. This year has been a year full of my dreams coming true, and you were the driving force in all of it. I love you. You’re my heart and best friend.
My children: I’m sorry about that night I fed you Lucky Charms for dinner because I needed to write. Being a stay-at-home-mom was always my first dream, and you helped me realize it, so thank you for being patient with me while I make new dreams.
Miranda Arnold: The best thing that ever happened to me in a readers group is you. Thanks for blogging with me, talking about every book we love and hate with me, and plotting this book over and over again with me. You’re a star, so dust yourself off and get to writing. I believe in you.
Kelly Markham: You were the first one to have your hands on this book. You told me I had a good story. You didn’t let me give up when I felt like I wasn’t good enough. You encouraged me daily to keep going. Thank you isn’t good enough, but it will have to do for now. I love you.
Momma: Thanks for always encouraging my love of reading and supporting me no matter what I choose to do in life. You’re the best.
Aly Martinez: I don’t think there are enough words to thank you for all that you have done for me during this process. What started out as a little encouragement turned into teasers, editing, and pretty much answering every question in the world. You encompass all of the good in this indie author community. You’re talented, amazing, generous, and kind. I’ll never forget how you’ve helped me. I wish I could somehow pay you back for all your help, but there isn’t enough wine in the world.
Ashley Teague: You listened to me bitch and stress and basically have meltdown after meltdown. I don’t know how you put up with me, but thank you, thank you, thank you.
To my betas Nicole M., Nicole S., Danielle, and Megan: You guys were priceless during the process. I love you. Don’t ever leave me.
Pam Huff: Your proofreading skills are much appreciated.
To the indie author community, bloggers, and readers
: The generosity of this community sometimes astounds me, and I feel so honored to be a part of it. Thanks for all you do.
Amie Knight has been a reader for as long as she could remember and a romance lover since she could get her hands on her momma’s books. A dedicated wife and mother with a love of music and makeup, she won’t ever be seen leaving the house without her eyebrows and eyelashes done just right. When she isn’t reading and writing, you can catch her jamming out in the car with her two kids to ‘90s R&B, country, and showtunes. Amie draws inspiration from her childhood in Columbia, South Carolina, and can’t imagine living anywhere other than the South.
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