Love with Every Beat

by K. L. Shandwick

  A tour bus took us on a whirlwind tour of all cultural highlights such as the Champs De Lyse and the Arch De Triumph. Me, trying to be incognito in a beanie hat and a trench coat, which Lily had hysterics about.

  Two hundred images I captured that morning, and about one hundred and ninety eight of those were of Lily, or Lily standing beside, behind or in front of something, or they were of me and Lily. We ate lunch near the Eiffel Tower, before heading to the top.

  Paris the city of love. Couples all cuddling gazing longingly at each other, but I had a heavy feeling in my stomach and an ache in my heart and she wasn’t even gone yet.

  “Perfection.” Staring at her through the lens of my camera, Lily was standing with Paris as the wallpaper behind her. Except Lily was no wall flower, “Did I ever mention how hot you are, Lily?” I smirked she was damned hot. “You’re not so bad yourself,” she teased smiling smugly back at me.

  “Oh, I know,” I said, sounding facetious and conceited as I dropped the camera to my side and tugged her quickly into my chest, crushing my lips on to hers. Eventually, I broke the kiss, and smiled.

  “You are the love of my life you do know that, right?” I squeezed her tightly and smiled down at her.

  “I do know, Alfie. And you are mine,” I stated matter-of-factly.

  “I am,” I confirmed. We both knew it was our last day together. Spending it in the luxury of a hotel room instead of a bus and room service provided an intimate dinner for two. We made love slowly… twice.

  Afterwards, Lily lay with her head on my stomach. Taking her hand in mine I laced our fingers together. Working a swallow we lay in silence and I felt desolate that we weren’t going to be together after today.

  “You’re really quiet, Lily. You okay?” She swallowed audibly with a loud click and I could tell she was trying not to cry.

  “Mmm, yeah I’m fine.” Scooting down the bed I turned her into the crook of my arm to face me.

  “Nope, Lily. I know you. Come on, what’s up?” She exhaled shakily, still trying not to cry. “I’ve just had such an amazing time with you, and I don’t want it to end.”

  Closing my eyes briefly, I smiled, then smiled affectionately at her and stroked her hair. “Having second thoughts about the Cobham Street tour?”

  She nodded and closed her eyes, still struggling with her how she was feeling. “Yeah, but it’s the right thing to do for XrAid.”

  Dipping down, I kissed her forehead before exhaling raggedly.

  “It’s only two weeks, Lily. We can do that, right? It’ll go faster than you think. Plus we’ve got face-time and our phones. We’ll be okay.” My heart was breaking inside that I was going to be without her but I had to stay strong for her. Worried about myself and how I was going to cope too.

  It wasn’t quite daylight when I snuck out of bed, and gathered up my stuff. I had packed it all discreetly the night before, because I couldn’t say goodbye to Lily.

  Staring at her from the chair by the window watching her sleep, I wasn’t sure how she was going to react. Telling myself that this was the best way to help her with what came next

  Neither of us where strong, when it came to dealing with our emotions toward one another and if she cried, then I would choke and we’d be fucked up for days. She was playing with Rick’s band and she needed to be focused for that.

  So, with a heavy heart, I was cutting myself off, wanting Lily to be angry rather than sad, because anger drives you on, and sadness debilitates and she couldn’t let that happen not at the level she needed to function at in the music industry.

  Seriously pissed, I was in no mood for Des and Andy’s dicking around. Drew had found some maturity since being with Elle and didn’t get that involved in the banter that Des tried to dish out, but he sure picked on the wrong one with his crappy comments about me not getting laid for the following two weeks.

  Rehearsals were poor and I was in a funk about Lily, getting all bitter and twisted that she couldn’t just love me and for that to be enough.

  Feeling a pity party coming on I started to take it out on my guitar, playing really aggressively and Drew was shaking his head because he could see my temper rising.

  At the end of the number Des commented,

  “So, Alfie do you want us all to play with full ball bags for the next fortnight, or are you going for the lead frustrated of the band as well as lead singer? By the way, who the fuck thought that name up anyway? It doesn’t apply to us because none of the rest of us can sing. So with that thought Alfie, you need to be correcting the media every time they call you that. What do you think guys?”

  Des threw his arms out to the side, his guitar swinging against his torso as he tried to harness some support from the others.

  Drew shook his head, his lips in a line and wandered over to Des, “Not funny Des, you’re not in the least bit funny. Sometimes I wonder what you’re doing in a fucking band at all, dude, you’d be far more suited in a fucking circus you clown. Don’t you think we struggled enough when he wasn’t with Lily and now you’re gonna remind him every chance you get that she’s gone again? Dude, I’m fucking glad I’m not your enemy, some friend you are.”

  Andy gave a solo performance on the bass following Drew’s dressing down, then wandered over and nudged him with his shoulder.

  “Des I can’t wait until someone fucks you over, dude. Ohh but wait, that’s right, I’ve never seen you with an actual girlfriend. To have one of those you need to have some kind of personality right?”

  Feeling glad that Drew and Andy had done my job for me, I wandered away from the stage and went to the dressing room to pick up my bag, thinking if I looked at Des again I’d probably bite and throw a punch and I wasn’t about to let that little shit get the better of me. Drew jogged after me.

  “Don’t fucking listen to him Alfie, we’ll get you over the next two weeks before you know it, and little Lily will be snuggled up beside you and all this will be a distant memory.”

  One of the roadies came to tell us our transport was outside. Two television stations and a radio interview were on the cards before we could relax before the gig. Walking down the corridor to the exit, my cell vibrated in my pocket. I knew what the text was but I didn’t look at it.

  Drew’s eyes dropped to look in the direction of the noise and he met my eyes with a stare.

  “You sure this is how you want to handle this?” He meant leaving without saying goodbye to Lily and the possible consequences, but I felt if I had seen her right then there was every chance I’d be on her bus and Crakt Soundzz would have been minus a singer, lead or otherwise.

  Once we’d arrived at the first studio I allowed myself to read her text.

  Pink Lady: Where are you? Can I come and see you before we leave?

  There was nothing to say we hadn’t already, but I needed to focus on the gigs and getting my shit together and work out a plan for Lily and me to be with each other all the time. Straight away, with less than an hour apart, I knew the next two weeks were going to be hell without her.

  Bubble Card, the band replacement for XrAid were a good group of people. They were a similar set up to Lily’s, four dudes and a girl. Their music was slightly heavier, and they had a kind of raw sound. Much more suited to Cobham Street fans than ours. No matter it was only for nine days.

  A bear with a sore thumb. That’s how they were describing me. Lily was texting me all the time and I just couldn’t reply. If she asked me to come, I would have left the band. That’s how much she meant to me. And no. I’m not a fucking wimp, just spent too long in the dark and now that I’ve felt what it’s like to be happy, I’m not giving that up for no one because it isn’t cool to show how you feel about someone.

  Thinking I’m more of a man for being honest and displaying my feelings than sucking them up and putting on some mucho bullshit for the benefit of others. My cell buzzed and when I saw it was Cody I answered straight away thinking there was something wrong with Lily.

  “What’s wron
g with Lily?” My voice was full of concern.

  “You’ve got a fucking nerve, Alfie. What’s wrong? You’re fucking wrong. Just as well you’re in a different country, because I’d beat your ass black and blue for what you’re doing to her.”

  Swallowing hard, I knew it would be tough on her, but if I’d actually said goodbye to her, in my heart I know it would have been much worse for the both of us. Performing at this level took guts, and you couldn’t have guts if they were twisted by grief.

  “Alfie, you have to take her calls or text her or write to her something, for god’s sake. What you did was horrible, upping and leaving like that, she’s so pissed about everything, and that you won’t speak to her.”

  “Better to be angry and let it out in her performance than get out there and do a half assed attempt at covering up how sad she is that I’m not there. I know most people won’t get that, but trust me I was there for a long time after Lily finished with me on the phone last time.”

  Cody sniffed and just stood silently, “Incidentally, that’s the reason I’m not getting into any communication with her. Every time we’ve been together, she broke up with me by text after I got in touch with her. That or by calling her. You know the reason she did that Cody? Because if she had been face to face with me could never have let me go. So, no, I’m not getting in touch with her.”

  Cody was silent for a minute longer then said, “Then it’s up to me to take care of your shit isn’t it? I’ll be the one cuddling her and telling her it’ll be okay, and I’m not doing that for you Alfie. I’m doing it for Lily.”

  Cody hung up and I was left feeling worse for knowing that she was distressed I wasn’t answering her. Confident in my action that if I got into a text session with Lily, it would only lead to more stress, frustration and tears for the both of us.

  Rick was just as scathing as Cody about what was happening. Drew and Andy were the only two people that knew how my mind worked and that my judgement about this was probably sound.

  Ringing Rick every day for an update on my girl wasn’t easy. He loved giving me shit and twisting the knife, but ultimately, he was holding out for the ‘happily ever after,’ for us.

  Chapter 59 – Clumps

  Second day of the tour, Bubble Card were at a meet and greet when a fan straddled my lap and started rocking on my dick. Getting me in a vice like grip around my neck I struggled to get out of the low sofa to shake her off. Alice, the singer from Bubble Card didn’t hold back.

  Pulling the girl by her hair, she had no choice but to let go of me to reach for her head. Henry took over and lifted the girl by the waist, who by then was struggling helplessly as Henry carted her out of the event room door.

  Clumps of my hair were under her fingernails and my scalp stung after she had dragged her nails over my scalp when Alice was struggling with her. Measures were put in place for less contact with the fans and Alice suggested she sit on my lap during those sessions to prevent anything like that happening again.

  Raising an eyebrow at her forward approach, I put my hands up and tried to be diplomatic with her. “Sorry honey, I don’t play away from home. Lily’s my girl and I’m kind of hooked, so no offence you’re a very pretty girl an’all but I’m going to have to decline that offer.”

  Alice stared at my face then looked at her two band mates that were standing close by and snickered, they both chuckled and she turned back to me. “Listen carefully, Alfie. I can bet this never happens to you, but…you’re not my type at all. Glancing over at her bandmates again then back at me, “Alfie, I’m gay. I don’t like dick, yours is very safe in my hands…or not eww.”

  Not ideal, but it was a solution to the nightly assault I took at the hands of someone who crossed over from fan to crazed fanatic. Less than a day later the first pictures of Alice sitting on my lap hit the newsstands, and I rang Rick to talk to someone who knew what it was like to be painted one way by the media when the other side of the coin was the real deal.

  Chucking into his cell Rick had very little sympathy, “Gotta be some kinda record, dude. What’s it been…three days and you’re already dipping that wick somewhere else. Looks like I had you figured wrong about your feelings for, little Lily.”

  “Stop dicking with me, Rick, has she seen them? Did you explain about Alice?” Rick inhaled heavily. “Alfie, I’m a fucking rock star. Never got to develop the, ‘explaining gene.’ Your mess dude. Your shit to shovel not mine.”

  Ringing Rick every day since Lily left was what kept me sane, asking how the guys in XrAid were helping her, if she was getting any grief from fans and if anyone was hitting on Lily. I needed to know

  Give him his due, Rick was great at letting me know all the positives about Lily, she was enjoying the buzz of the huge crowds, and telling me she was born to make music at that level.

  Rick was a good guy underneath but he was a man- whore. And as such, I always ended my calls with, “touch her and I’ll break your fucking legs…right after I cut your dick off.”

  Drew shook me awake, Alfie get up, there’s something you might want to deal with. Sitting up slowly, I rubbed my stinging eyes with the heels of my hands. Feeling exhausted and as soon as I was awake my first though was nine more days without Lily.

  “What time is it?” Stretching out, I stuck my foot out of the cover, was freezing outside the duvet and the bus. It was heated but we had the driver turn the heating off in our sections when we went to bed because the dry heat was playing havoc with my throat and I couldn’t afford to have problems in the middle of a tour.

  “Ten o’clock.” Drew replied.

  Sniffing, I stared at him, his face was serious and I could tell I wasn’t going to like whatever he wanted to tell me.

  “Go on, this better be good Drew, I was about to have a wet dream and since that’s all I’m getting right now, I’m kinda partial to them.”

  Drew lifted the tablet he’d laid on the night stand and turned the screen on, poking it under my nose. “Check it out.”

  Rick and Lily were staring at each other, holding hands across the table in a fancy restaurant. Feeling the blood rush to my feet I lay down quickly on my back. “Fuck.” Inhaling deeply I tried to bring my heart beat into a normal rhythm, it was beating wildly in my chest, the irregular beats squeezing my heart until I had a pain in my chest, an ache in my belly and a lump in my throat.

  Swishing noises rose into my ears as my blood was pumped around my body much quicker than normal as my internal systems dealt with the shock of the picture.

  “It’s a first edition Alfie. There’s no story with it yet. You want to do a statement, because if you don’t they’ll just make it up.” No I didn’t want to make a fucking statement. Not the kind the press wanted anyway. The only statement I wanted to make was my size twelve boot imprint in Rick Far’s balls.

  Ringing Rick, my mind went into overtime when I had no reply. Was Lily with him? What the fuck was I going to do? Going back on my own advice I sent Lily a text. I was going out of my mind, ninety nine percent sure there was an explanation but when Rick wasn’t taking my call, my imagination started running riot.

  SEXPERT: we need to talk.

  Waiting ten minutes, my phone beeped a reply.

  Pink Lady: We do? Since when? No, don’t answer that. I would only have to look at my cell again, and I’m too busy today. So…save it.

  This was all my own fucking doing for not speaking to her. Lily was shutting down on me and for all I knew Rick had moved in on her. Experience had taught me what might occur with Lily in a vulnerable state.

  Maybe something happened, not because she wanted to do it, but because she was too weak to resist the comfort someone else could give her. I had to get to her.

  Delving into my bag, I pulled out the card I had purchased for the both of us at Christmas and rang the universal charter company to make a plane ready. Fuck the band and everything else I was going to get my girl.

  Showering quickly, I was dressed and out of the door
of the bus in less than ten minutes.

  Drew was running after me dressed in sweat pants and nothing else as I climbed into the SUV with Henry. “What the fuck are you doing Alfie? We’ve got a gig tonight. Where are you going?”

  “To the fucking moon, Drew, now get out of my way. I’ve a plane to catch.”

  Arriving at the airport, it took less than two minutes for the paparazzi to catch up with me. More organized now, they had cobbled a story together. One reporter thrust three pictures in my hand for me to look at. Damn, Lily and Rick looked fucking intimate and they both had a lot of explaining to do.

  A reporter asked for my comment and without either of them denying or talking to me about it, I said the only thing I could honestly say.

  “Lily’s a big girl. She’s strong willed and independent, I’m not her keeper.”

  Finally, I arrived in Munich it was six forty five in the evening. Cutting it close to get to the stadium she was playing at before Lily went on stage.

  During the flight I’d had time to reflect on my actions about how I’d left her and how I wouldn’t speak to her on the phone. Me, Alfie Black, rock star, and I was scared to do something so simple because of the bad news it had brought me in the past and thinking I was doing my best. Probably doing what was best for my-self and transferring my fear of rejection on to Lily.

  I learned about the death of my parents during phone calls and I had spent hours at a time on the phone and texting with Kara during the darkest days of Gary’s passing.

  Henry had found a copy of a magazine now sporting the whole story and I ground my teeth, my jaw ticking, as I read the article and tried to keep an open mind.

  ‘Alfie Black and Lily Parnell move on.’

  “What exactly does Rick Fars have that Alfie Black doesn’t? Alice Bridge is a pretty girl, but is she in Lily’s league?’

  The couple had chosen the discreet venue, but the eagle-eyed photographer captured the intimate image of the pair gazing longingly at each other. Rick and Lily were seen leaving the restaurant shortly after in the same luxury transport, and entering the band compound both Cobham Street and XrAid are currently sharing. We have to ask ourselves, what exactly was going through Alfie’s mind, when he saw the intimate pictures of the couple dining in an exclusive, romantic, discreet French restaurant. Alfie, allegedly, snatched the photographs out of the reporter’s hand and stared hard at them. He then slammed them back to the reporter’s chest with the comment, “Lily’s a big girl. She’s strong willed and independent, I’m not her keeper.”