Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary)

by Jeff Strand

  "To be inconspicuous, right?"

  "You know it."

  "Thatisso cool. Hey, if you need anything else, feel free to ask. I'll go get Carl for you, if I can drag his obsessed butt away from the game."

  "Thanks."

  As Farley returned to the table I tried to figure out what to do with that new piece of information. Could Jennifer be behind this whole thing? If so, who was her accomplice with the knife? And once again, why?

  Carl came over and sat down on the couch. "Do you think Mike's okay?" he asked.

  "That's what I'm trying to find out. When was the last time you saw him?" This was a pretty obvious question that I should have asked Farley, but I didn't think of it due to the previously stated fact that I suck as a detective.

  "Last week. He was all psyched about going toEurope ."

  "Was Jennifer with him?"

  Carl nodded. "She picked him up at work."

  "Did she come inside?"

  "Just to tell him to hurry up."

  "Do you think they're a happy couple?"

  Carl shrugged. "Sure."

  "What makes you think so?"

  Carl looked uncomfortable."I don't know, why shouldn't they be? Isn't Jennifer the one who hired you?"

  "Yes, she is. I'm just trying to find out everything I can. Do you think she was faithful to him?"

  "How should I know? She never asked me to videotape her sleeping around or anything, if that's what you're wondering."

  "No, that's not quite what I was wondering, but thanks. Now here's a fill-in-the-blank question: If Michael owned a safety deposit box, it would contain what?"

  Carl looked very confused. "Huh?"

  I was giving serious consideration to dropping this question from future interrogations. "Just say the first thing that pops into your mind."

  "Nothing pops into my mind." He thought for a moment. "Legal documents, backup copies of software programs, I don't know. Why are you asking?"

  "Like I said, just getting information."

  "I don't think I have any information. All I do is videotape stuff for Ghoulish Delights and occasionally help them with the new scenarios. Can I get back to the game?"

  "Sure, have fun. Slay an elf for me."

  "Mycharacteris an elf!"

  I gathered up my children and we headed back into the main area. That same alien was trying to devour another actress who wore nothing to block Kyle's view of her jiggling capabilities, so I covered his eyes with my hand and led him outside.

  We walked a block to an outdoor pay phone and I began to make more calls. My in-laws still weren't home, nor were either of the babysitters who hadn't blacklisted my children. "It's Thursday night, where onearthare these people?" I asked aloud.

  "When can we see Mommy?" asked Theresa.

  "Not until visiting hours start tomorrow," I said. "But we'll call her as soon as I find a babysitter."

  "We don't need a babysitter," Theresa insisted. "I can watch Kyle."

  "No, you can't!" said Kyle.

  "Forget it, there's no way in the world I'm leaving you two alone," I said. "I'd come back and the house would have sunk like the Titanic. Who's that one lady who watched you that one time?The lady with that stupid dog with thosefoofy things on its tail?"

  "Mrs.Denkle ," said Theresa. "She moved."

  "Is she still inFlorida ?"

  "Maybe."

  I decided I wasn't going to spend the rest of the evening chasing around a Mrs.Denkle who might still live inFlorida . I made a couple more desperate phone calls, but came up empty. So the only person left to watch them was currently hiding out in a cemetery.Great.

  I called Helen at the hospital and let the kids talk to her for two minutes each. Then I told her that the kids and I planned to spend the rest of the evening at home watching television. This wasn't the truth, and my lie would be probably be revealed the very next time she spoke with our children, but for now it was worth it just to keep Helen from worrying.

  It was about nine o'clock. I herded the kids into the car and we drove the twenty minutes to theEverlifeCemetery . It was a large cemetery with no gates surrounding it. Though there were no hills, a couple of large mausoleums provided an excellent place to hide, along with the bordering woods.

  "Okay, we're going to play a new game," I said. "It's called Car Hide and Seek. I want both of you to duck down as far as you can and hide. I'm going to step right outside the car, and when I get back in I'll see if I can find you. How does that sound?"

  "That's silly, Daddy," Theresa informed me.

  "But silly games are the most fun, right?"

  "No."

  "Yeah!" said Kyle, most likely just to contradict her.

  "Play Daddy's silly game and we'll play another game later. Now duck down. I don't want to be able to see any part of you when I'm outside the car."

  They both squished down as far as they could, and I got out of the car. Since I was here almost three hours early, I didn't really expect the killer to be around anyway, but I wanted to take as few chances as possible.

  "Roger! Hey, Roger! It's Andrew! You awake?"

  A moment later I saw Roger step out from behind some trees at the far end of the cemetery. As he began to crutch toward me, I could see that he didn't look happy. Not that I blamed him.

  "What's up?" he called out.

  "Change of plans. I couldn't get rid of the kids."

  "You mean I sat out here all this time for nothing?"

  "Yep.Did you see anything?"

  "Not a thing. You brought me food, right?"

  "Uh, yeah, I think Kyle still has all of his green Skittles left."

  "You suck, man." Roger reached me, slightly out of breath and covered with sweat and dirt. "So what are we supposed to do now?"

  "My guess is that you don't want to hang out here another few hours and meet our friend yourself, right?"

  "Good guess."

  "So we'll trade." I glanced back at the car to make sure the kids weren't peeking. "Hand over the flashlight."

  He handed it to me.

  "Take the kids to your place," I said. "I want them in bed by ten, and no sugar unless you absolutely can't get them to go to bed without it. Where's your car?"

  "It's parked at a church about two miles away. Just follow the road that way," Roger said, pointing. "Enjoy the fact that you're not doing it on crutches."

  "Thanks. I guess I'll get in touch with you later. Try and keep the phone line free, okay?"

  "Are you sure you want to do this? There's no law saying you have to show up here just because some psycho killer left a message in a jack-in-the-box."

  "Don't worry, I'll be careful," I assured him.

  After we traded keys, I opened the car door, located my children, and gave them the usual instructions about not driving Roger to the brink of suicide. Then they left, and I headed for the cover of woods to wait.

  Chapter 10

  THREE HOURS waiting in a graveyard after dark starts to get to you. I don't know why. Maybe it's all the dead people hanging around underground. Whatever it was, by the time my watch said it was ten minutes to midnight, I had a major case of the creeps, the willies, and the heebie-jeebies. At least the flesh-eating zombies were keeping themselves hidden away.

  I sat there for another ten minutes and the same nothing that had been happening all night continued happening. I wondered if the killer was hiding someplace else, waiting for me to drive by. Maybe without somebody acting as bait (which was to be my job in the original plan), he wouldn't show up. Regardless, I was going to wait at least another half hour before I gave up.

  Then I heard a faint beeping, like an alarm clock going off. For a moment I thought it was mycreeped -out,willied , andheebie-jeebied imagination, but a few more seconds convinced me that, yes, I was definitely hearing a beeping. You weren't generally supposed to hear beeping in a cemetery at midnight, so I had a pretty good idea that this had something to do with the reason I was here.

  I surveyed as much
of the graveyard as I could see, whichwas most of it .Nobody around. The killer could have left a beeper any time before our stakeout, maybe even before Jennifer hired us.

  Reluctantly I emerged from my hiding spot, turned on the flashlight, and began to walk toward the beeping sound. It was hard to gauge exactly where it was coming from, but after a couple of minutes I pinpointed the spot and knelt down beside a small hole in the ground, about the size of a dime.

  I stuck my finger in thehole and pulled away dirt until I'd revealed a small kitchen timer. I shut it off, and then removed the note that was taped to it.Once again, the same blood-red letters."Find Jennifer Where You Find Love."

  What was that supposed to mean? Find Jennifer where you find love? What was it, singles night at theEverlifeCemetery ? Had I really sat around for three hours waiting for this?

  Okay, stop it, I told myself. It obviously means something. Be a non-suckydetective. Get that brain into gear. Find Jennifer where you find love. Find Jennifer where you find love.

  Love.My heart gave a jolt as I suddenly wondered if they'd involved Helen, but that was ridiculous. The killer certainly hadn't stashed Jennifer under her hospital bed.

  Was I supposed to find love here, in the cemetery? This was entering some really sick territory.

  Lovers buried together? That was a possibility, but there had to be dozens of them around. Something left by a lover? Once again, there could be dozens of them. But hey, maybe the killer just wasn't any good at narrowing things down. It was worth looking.

  I began to wander up and down the rows of tombstones, shining my flashlight on each one. Wherever I found flowers, I poked through them, but found nothing interesting. This was going to take forever.

  And then I had a sudden brainstorm. There may not be many people around with the last name "Mayhem," but there were plenty with the last name "Love."

  I picked up my pace, looking only at the names. Five minutes later, I stopped at a pair of small, cracked tombstones.Timothy and Karen Love.Both of them 1892-1954."Died in each other's arms."

  There was a basket of flowers resting in front of the tombstone. If this was wrong, I was going to feel like a total creep, but nevertheless I turned the basket over and shook it until something fell out.A picture in a frame.

  It was not a nice picture. It was a picture of a woman screaming. Not Jennifer. I actually thought I recognized her, an actress from some zero-budget horror films. The picture was probably a shot from one of her movies.

  The interesting part was the frame. It was one of those frames with a little speaker inside, so you can record a short message. It was intended to be something like "I'm thinking about you" or "You're always in my heart." I suspected that the message here was going to be something quite different.

  I pressed the button and was treated to the sound of a female shriek, followed by some maniacal laughter that sounded like it had been generated from a computer. Then a sound bite that I recognizedfromTheExorcist , a demonic voice proclaiming "This sow is mine!"

  A chorus of children: "You'regonnadiiiiie , you'regonnadiiiiie ."

  A musical sting, the kind you hear right as the monster bursts out of nowhere.

  An old man speaking in a careful, calculated tone: "True horror exists deep beneath the surface."

  Another female shriek.

  A hysterical man: "Blood! Blood everywhere! It covers the walls! It covers the ceiling!"

  TheTwilightZone theme.

  A whisper: "Look beneath...look within..."

  The recording ended.

  It took me several seconds to remember to breathe. Sweat was pouring down my sides, and I was getting the kind of headache I always got before a really difficult test in college.

  "It's nothing," I said aloud. "Just some guy with a bit of a twist in his personality trying to mess with my mind, that's all."

  "DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE !!!"

  I dropped the picture in shock, and then willed my stomach to untangle itself from my spinal column. Just a little bonus sound bite, like the hidden tracks you can find on some CDs.Nothing to keel over dead from.

  But I also had nothing to go on.

  Okay, "true horror exists beneath the surface" was probably a clue. I didn't like that clue, because it implied that I was going to have to dig up another grave, and I was trying to cut down.But where? The Love's site certainly didn't look like anything had been added to it recently. Was I going to have to wander around, shining my flashlight all over until I found a patch of ground that looked recently-filled?

  "Look beneath...look within..."

  It had to refer to digging up another grave.Or else the tombstones of Mr. Beneath and Mr. Within. The only other thing I could look beneath was the picture.

  I picked up the frame, half expecting it to tell me to DIE! DIE! DIE!again . I removed the picture and found another note behind it.

  "Good guess. But wrong."

  What a prick.

  Okay, fine, it wasn't behind the picture. Where else was I supposed to look? I wandered around the nearby tombstones, searching for an area that might have something newly-buried underneath it, but there was nothing.

  Maybe I was supposed to smash open the picture frame.

  I turned it over. Better idea. Look in the battery compartment.

  I pried open the compartment and saw four tiny batteries.

  Then one of the batteries fell out, revealing a very small, folded piece of paper. I unfolded it and letters I could barely even see spelled out "OLE."

  Ole?Spanish for Bravo? What was this, congratulations for not going absolutely berserk up to this point?

  I shook the frame and the other batteries dropped out. Three more pieces of paper fell to the ground. After I retrieved and unfolded them, I had the following fragments: "US," "MA," and "UM."

  Great.Another puzzle.And I was the kind of person who cheated at Scrabble.

  "Us" and "Ma" could refer to people, I guess, but what were "Um" and "Ole" supposed to mean? Was I supposed to be searching for a Mexican couple who lived with their mother and used verbal tags?

  Maybe these could be unscrambled to form another name.

  No! I had it!

  With a little rearranging the fragments formed...MAUSOLEUM.

  I headed over to the closest mausoleum, which was also the larger of the two. The door was chained shut with a shiny new padlock, but when I walked around to the back there was a patch of earth, about as long as a coffin, that, while firmly packed, could easily have been replaced recently.

  Jennifer could be down there.

  If so, she'd probably been there since last night.

  This was not going to be pretty.

  Now I decided that the best course of action was to run to the car, drive to the nearest phone, and get the police. If Jennifer was buried alive, every second might count, and I wasn't going to get very far trying to dig with my bare hands. But I took a moment to shine my flashlight around the area, just in case I'd missed something, and there it was. Another one of those notes, taped to the mausoleum wall near the ground. I tore it free and read it. "13 left, 27 right, 4 left."

  I hurried to the front of the mausoleum and turned the dial of the padlock to that combination. It popped open, and I threw it aside. I pulled open the heavy wooden door, shined the flashlight inside, and immediately saw what I was supposed to find. Two shovels.A lantern.A Walkman. And yes, a note.

  "Dig her up yourselves or suffer the consequences," the note read. "But you may want to hurry."

  I grabbed one of the shovels, the lantern, and the Walkman and rushed to the back of the mausoleum. Opening the Walkman, I saw that the tape inside was labeled "MusicTo Dig Up Graves By." Oh, yes, this guy was certainly a prick.

  I spent the next half hour digging as rapidly as I could. I kept the Walkman volume low so that I could hear if anyone approached, but I got to listen to songs like "Digging in the Dirt" by Peter Gabriel, Perry Como singing "Dig You Later," Randy Travis singing "Digging Up Bones," They Might B
e Giants singing "Dig My Grave," and "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC.

  Then I struck coffin.

  I quickly removed more dirt until the lid was exposed enough that I could open it. This was made a bit more difficult because I was trying to keep myself in a position where I wouldn't get shot if bullets started firing through the lid.

  I knocked on the lid with the shovel. "Jennifer?"