Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary)

by Jeff Strand

  More interesting were the six or seven cables that stretched across the room just inches below the ceiling, one end of each fastened to the wall at our right, the other end disappearing into a hallway.

  "Theresa?" I called out. "Kyle? Can you hear me?"

  No response, not that I expected one.

  Then I saw Boo-Boo. The skull was at the far end of the room, resting on top of a television set, an envelope in his mouth.

  "I need to get that envelope," I said, pointing. "You two stay put. Cover me."

  Dominick and Linda raised their crossbows in a position to best shoot any assailant. I moved my own slowly, from side to side, and then began to move forward. The first cable was only a couple of feet away.

  Three steps later there was a loud squeaking sound, and then suddenly a corpse burst out of the hallway, hanging from a pulley attached to the cable. At least a dozen blades protruded from the body, and I barely jumped back in time to avoid being sliced.The corpse slammed against the wall and dangled there, bouncing and swaying like a flesh-and-blood puppet.

  It was a man, and he'd been completely dismembered. The pieces were now held together with wire, with inch-long gaps in between each chunk. Except for the head,which hung a good six inches above the rest of the body.

  I turned around. Dominick and Linda both looked ready to keel over, but neither of them screamed.

  "I won't be offended if you want to wait in the car."

  "Just get the fucking envelope!" Dominick snapped.

  From this angle, I still couldn't see into the hallway. The toes of the corpse dangled about a foot above the floor, so it would be too dangerous to try to crawl over to the envelope if another body shot out. I took another step forward, then another, and then leapt back as I heard a second series of squeaks.

  Another corpse burst out of the hallway. This time dodging was unnecessary, because the wire snapped and the body dropped in a heap on the floor. Only the head, adorned with several fishhooks, slammed against the wall.

  Okay, I was wasting time. I braced myself, and then ran at top speed across the room. Out of the corner of my eye I saw four corpses shoot out of the hallway, one after the other. I reached Boo-Boo and snatched the envelope out of his mouth as the corpses bashed into the wall.

  I looked at them. All had various weapons protruding from them, from a long spear to a non-running chainsaw. Two of the corpses hadn't been reconstructed properly, their body parts switched around in some appalling mix-and-match game.

  "Welcome to the mind of Farley," I said. Dominick and Linda had nothing to say to that.

  I opened the envelope, which was labeled "For Andrew" and read the note inside.

  "Congratulations, Andrew! You've done great! Okay, I can't say that for sure—it may have taken you too long to find this, and I may have slaughtered your kiddies out of boredom. But for now let's pretend I haven't. It's time for the moment you've been waiting for.The final showdown.The big explanation. Fun, fun, fun for the whole family! Can you handle this much excitement??? Follow the enclosed map and see what happens! As usual,do it alone or I'll kill your kids,yaddayaddayadda . This time I mean it. Your verybestest friend in the whole wide world, Farley."

  So really, Farley set things up so that I hadn't ever needed to solve that Morse-code-condom riddle. I could've just broken one of his precious rules and showed up at his house early. What a dickhead.

  "What does it say?" asked Dominick.

  I looked at the hand-drawn map. It was directions to a cabin, located not too far from the park where I'd dug up Michael in the first place. Probably the cabin where I'd been tied up and listened to Jennifermeet her demise.

  "It tells where he is," I told him. "And I have to go alone."

  "I'm sorry to hear that," said Linda, not removing her gaze from the corpses.

  "Watchyourselves ," I said. "I'm heading back."

  I ran across the room, expecting more corpses to come flying at me, but apparently they'd all been used in the first round. We left the house, closing the door behind us to keep any nosy neighbors from peeking inside. I really didn't need anyone else dropping dead of a heart attack this week.

  "Is there anything else I can do?" asked Dominick.

  I considered saying, "You can pray." But that seemed a little too melodramatic. So I said something that was more in tune with my personality.

  "Sure, you canreshingle my roof while I'm off saving my kids. I've got Popsicles in the freezer for when you take a break."

  Dominick didn't smile. "Seriously, I hope things work out for you."

  "So doI ."

  FARLEY MAY have been an annoying psychopathic little geek, but he did know how to draw a map. This meant less time that I had to drive around lost, and thus less time for me to envision Theresa and Kyle hanging from a cable, their heads switched around and not quite connected with their necks.

  About six miles after driving pastFleetPark , I reached the unnamed road marked on the map. It took another three miles before I reached the windowless cabin, which looked barely able to sustain its own weight. Firewood was stacked by the door, and a white Chevrolet was parked in the driveway. A bumper sticker read "Grandma WentTo Hell And All I Got Was This Lousy Bumper Sticker."

  I parked Helen's car, got out, adjusted the quiver on my back, and slowly approached the door.

  "Come on in!" Farley called from inside.

  I pulled the door open.

  "Before you try anything, make sure you take a good look at the setup here," he warned.

  I stepped inside the cabin, crossbow ready to fire. Farley stood near the far wall, about twenty feet away. Theresa and Kyle stood next to him, one on each side, their faces tearstained. I was overjoyed to see that they were still alive, but that joy vanished as I realized just how bad the situation really was.

  Farley held a brick in each hand with a wire wrapped around it. The wires stretched up to the ceiling, looped around a pair of hooks, then continued down to form something like necklaces for Theresa and Kyle. Necklaces lined with dozens upon dozens of razor blades.

  "See what we've got here?" asked Farley, lowering one of the bricks slightly. Theresa's necklace tightened just a bit and she let out a soft whimper. "I drop these bricks, and your kids get shredded throats. So I'd say it's in your best interest not to make me drop the bricks. You can go ahead and shoot me if you'd like, but things will turn out very messy."

  I set the crossbow down on the floor. "I won't do anything," I said.

  "Good boy." Farley looked at Kyle and grinned. "Your daddy likes you. You should feel happy."

  Kyle, frozen with terror, didn't say anything.

  "I hope you were a smart guy, Andrew," said Farley. "If you brought any cops or other friends and I see them, these bricks aregonna fall. If you hired a sniper or something, you may want to call him off before he gets an itchy trigger finger."

  "I'm alone," I said.

  "Good. So we can talk. Care for a seat? Your kids and I can't sit down for obvious reasons, but that's no reason why you shouldn't be comfortable."

  "I'll stand."

  "Suit yourself. So I guess the big question is,why have I called you here? What's the meaning of all this nonsense with the riddles and the dismembered pieces of Jennifer in your friend's car and the charming videos and, oh, everything you've had to go through these past couple of days. Well, you're in luck. Here's where I explain everything."

  I noticed that Theresa's leg was starting to wobble. "She's not going to be able to stand like that much longer," I said. "Let my kids go. You can take all my weapons. I won't be able to try anything."

  Farley shook his head. "She'll beokay, we just got into place a few minutes ago, after you set off the sensors. But I'm going to let you in on a cruel little secret. Your kids are history. Whatever happens, I'll eventually have to drop these bricks, and the razor blades will do what they do best. It'sgonna be bloody, believe me. You can beg, you can plead, you can bribe, you can threaten, you can do whatever you
want, but in the end the bricks are going to fall. So really, you might as well just pick up that crossbow and take me down right now. But you won't do that, because you're going to be searching for a way out of this.Which means I get to talk. "

  I noticed a video camera on a tripod in the corner of the cabin. The red light was flashing. "Recording this for posterity?" I asked.

  "Yep.This'll help you out in tying up any loose ends with the police, and this way you won't have to take notes. So, look around you, Andrew, because this is where the magic happens."

  I glanced around the cabin. There were numerous bloodstains on the floor, and I recognized the bed from the videos. Various implements of torture were hung on the walls. A small shelf against the far wall contained videotapes, more weapons, and Gaggles, still wearing his cowboy hat.

  "Yeah, this is where we brought the victims. I didn't have anything to do with the actual kidnappings—that was the work of The Apparition and a couple other folks, but once they were here and the cameras were ready to roll...ooohhh, baby, we had some good times. I was the guy who did the actual killings. Remember thespork ? Good work, huh?"

  "Sure, high quality all around," I muttered.

  Farley was right...I was desperately trying to figure out a way out of this, but what could I do? Any action I took against him would make him drop the bricks, and then Theresa and Kyle would die. I could try to rush him, but was there any way to reach him before he let the bricks fall? I didn't stand a chance.

  "Anyway, that's where the real money for Ghoulish Delights came from. We'd been socking it away, having ourselves a great time while we tried to save up enough to retire somewhere."

  "Who'swe?" I asked.

  "Me, Michael, and Jennifer.Your buddies Rachel, Dominick, Linda, and Carl were all blissfully unaware ofthereal Ghoulish Delights. They probably would have been offended by the idea. Some people are so conservative."

  Theresa's leg was wobbling even more. I wanted more than anything to hurry over to her, but that would kill her.

  "So, everything was going fine, until one dark night when Jennifer was snooping around in Michael's computer. And what did she discover but that her dear husband, who was in charge of all the client contact for our made-to-order snuff videos, had been hiding away a lot of money that he never told her about. Where's the sense of trust in marriage these days? So she confronted him, they fought, she stormed off, and then she came over to my place to tell me what he'd done. She was in a vengeful mood and I had nothing against the idea of getting laid for revenge, so we went at it until Michael showed up at my door. I'm sorry, is this story inappropriate for children?"

  "A story involving you having sex is inappropriate for anyone without a cast-iron stomach," I said.

  "Ooohhh, good slam for Andrew! Anyway, Michael was all bent out of shape and he threatened to turn us all in. Jennifer managed to calm him down, we all apologized, and Jennifer and Michael decided they needed some time alone, to work things out. So they set up a trip toEurope . Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"

  "I'm fine."

  "But Jennifer, of course, never intended to go toEurope . We decided we were going to kill her scumbag husband in the worst way possible. So, Tuesday night, I threw an unassembled pine coffin into the trunk of my car, forced Michael from his home at gunpoint, and drove him out toFleetPark . I made him dig his own hole, construct his own coffin, then lie down in it.Stretched the whole thing out as much as I could—a total blast. But then he started begging for mercy. Imean,begging . It would've broken your heart. I don't know what happened to me, I just felt sorry for the poor guy. So I knocked him out with chloroform and tossed the gun in the coffin before I locked it shut and buried it. That way, you know,if things were too unbearable he could always kill himself. I regretted it later, I mean, what awuss thing to do, but don't say I never did anything nice for anyone."

  "Does this mean if I start begging you'll let my kids go?"

  Farley shook his head. "Nah, I'll just drop the brick sooner. Anyway, that should've fixed all our problems, but then we realized we didn't know where the key to his safe was. We tore the place apart, and no key. Finally we decided he had it on him."

  "That sounds like something you should have thought about before you buried him," I remarked.

  "Yeah, well, I never claimed to be a criminal genius. Then the next night that bitch Jennifer decided to go behind my back and hire you to dig up the coffin. Really stupid on her part, but I guess the idea of digging him up herself freaked her out. So I followed her, and really you should be grateful because I ended up saving your life. She planned to kill both of you after you found the key, but my little rampage put a stop to that. So I brought all three of you back here...I'm stronger than I look, by the way...hacked up Jennifer, and figured I'd use Roger as a hostage until I got the money.

  "But then everything turned to shit. I opened the safe, nearly got shot by a poisoned dart, and discovered that the only thing in the safe was a friendly little note. I don't know who was holding the evidence against us, but if Michael didn't get in touch with him by Friday night, tonight, everything was going straight to the FBI. Michael had babbled something about this while I was burying him alive, but I thought it was just a trick to save his life. I realized that I was, in a word, fucked."

  "Not a great feeling, is it?" I asked.

  "Ah, it's not so bad once you get over it. And that's when I decided, to hell with it. I'm not living my life as a fugitive, and I'm certainly not going to prison. I've had a pretty wild life, killed a lot of people. I figured it was time to, as the quote goes, die young and leave a beautiful corpse. But I wanted people to know who I was, what I'd done. I wanted to be famous like JeffreyDahmer , Son of Sam,Ted Bundy, all of those guys. So that's where you came in."

  Theresa's leg was now wobbling so violently that I thought she was going to drop at any second. But what could I do? I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth and forced myself not to lunge forward.

  "You were already involved," Farley explained, "so I figured I'd make you my personal spokesperson. I'd put you through an outrageous hell, give you the story of a lifetime,even let you be the one to kill me. I have to say—you did incredibly well. I did hide multiple clues at the graveyard to increase your chances, but still...kudos to you. And I got to reuse my favorite prop, the Dismemberment Game I built for a very special episode of Ghoulish Delights. The questions are really easy to program. I'll let you keep it if you want."

  "No thanks."

  "Anyway, I figured I'd turn your life into an absolutely crazy nightmare, and then my fame would be guaranteed, as would yours. You'd even get the better end of the deal. After all, I'll be dead, and all you'll have done islose your children."

  "You don't have to kill them," I insisted. "You want fame? I've gone through enough freaky shit in the past couple days to guarantee you a spot in the Psychopath Hall of Fame."

  "I know, but it's just too good to pass up. Hear the story of FarleySoukup from the guy who watched his own children die."

  "I swear, if you hurt them I won't say a goddamn word."

  "Uh-huh. Yeah, right. What're you going to do, bury all the evidence? Hide the bodies of your children and pretend a wild dingo carried them off?"

  Farley turned his wrist slightly, checking his watch. "You know, these bricks are starting to get a bit heavy.If you have any final dramatic statement to make, now's the time. Say goodbye to your kids, Andrew. Make it good.The camera's rolling."

  Chapter 23

  "YOU WANT this to be a game, right?" I asked. "Then give me a chance to try and set them free."

  "You have plenty of chances," said Farley. "It's just that none of them will work."

  I reached down and picked up the crossbow. "Give me two shots.One for each wire."

  "You're going to snap the wire with an arrow?" Farley asked, tremendously amused.

  "I'mgonna try."

  "Oh, well, don't let me stop you! Hell, if you're that good of a shot you des
erve your kids back! But you stay where you are. Come any closer and I drop the bricks."

  "I understand." I held up the crossbow and peered through the sight, aiming it at the wire that connected to Theresa's razor blade necklace.

  "I think there might be an apple somewhere around here, if you want to put it on her head," said Farley.

  I ignored him, kept my arm as steady as possible, and pulled the trigger.

  The bolt shot past the wire, missing it by about six inches.Better than I would've expected.

  "Good shot!" said Farley. "Not good enough, but I'm still impressed. I would applaud, but I don't think you'd appreciate that. Oh well, I guess this means the girl's dead.Wanna try to save the boy?"