by Lucy Gage
“As long as that doesn’t mean he’s going to leave me, I guess I can live with it.”
“Don’t live with it too long. Apathy takes root easily, and you don’t want to live like that. Trust me.”
**********
Rob’s premiere went smoothly and when he and Emily returned from L.A., Jenna knew she had to sit down and apologize to her boss’ wife. It was the only way to get this ball rolling in the right direction again.
She knocked softly on Emily’s office door.
“Come in,” Emily replied.
“Can we talk?” Jenna asked.
Emily’s lips pursed. “Sure.” She was probably thinking about the last time they had ‘talked’ and Jenna had been a bitch to her.
Jenna closed the door and sat down in the same chair where she’d reconciled with Liam. That memory brought all she was about to say home in a way she hadn’t expected. She took a sharp breath.
“Are you okay?” Emily asked. She was a natural caregiver – Jenna had seen that with the twins. Em might be pissed at Jenna, but she was, above all else, a good person.
Jenna nodded. “Yeah. There’s only one way to do this.”
Emily’s shoulders sank. “What is it now?”
“Nothing bad. I wanted to apologize.”
“For what? For sleeping with my husband? Didn’t you tell me that I had to get over it, considering that it happened long before I was in the picture?”
“Not for my past with Rob, for being a bitch when we talked that night. I don’t regret anything I’ve done, except for the fact that I didn’t contact Liam sooner when I found out I was pregnant. I’ll never be sorry for what Rob and I had before he met you, but I am sorry that I was insensitive to you.”
“You were a bitch.”
“Yes. I was a bitch.” Jenna sighed. “Look, I’m going to tell you something and I don’t want you to share it with Liam, okay?”
Tears pooled in her eyes. Apparently, the whole pregnancy hormone thing had transformed her into a crybaby, even though the babies were no longer in her body.
Emily nodded. “I assume you have a good reason for keeping it from him?”
“Yes.” She took a deep breath. Just get it over with, Jenna. “I had feelings for Rob.”
“What do you mean?” Emily’s breath caught and her brow furrowed.
“While you two were gone, I realized the reason I was such a bitch to you the night we confessed was because I had always been jealous of you. I wanted to make sure you knew I wouldn’t let you come between me and Rob once you knew the truth.”
“And you were jealous because you had feelings for him? Recently?” She seemed confused.
Jenna sighed. “Not romantic feelings. I don’t think they were ever romantic feelings.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“Not in the way I’m in love with Liam or the way you and Rob are in love, no. They were both mine, Emily. Rob and Liam were both mine for those three years before you came into the picture. Then you waltzed in and Rob wasn’t mine anymore and Liam was taken away from me, too. And I hated you for it.”
“Do you still hate me?”
Jenna shook her head. “No. I don’t. It wasn’t about you. I’d have felt the same about anyone who took my place in Rob’s life.”
“But I didn’t take your place.”
“Yes, you did. What we gave each other was never about the sex. That’s why he was fine with me dating Liam. He knew Liam couldn’t be my emotional support right away, that he’d need time to adjust to the idea. Rob told me that I’d need to be patient from the beginning, and he knew I’d be able to handle it because he was planning to be there for me. You rocked his world. It came out of left field and I scrambled. Not just to get his online life under control, but also because I didn’t have him anymore. As soon as you entered his life, he was no longer my confidant the way he always had been.”
“I’ve never prevented you from talking to him.”
“I know. You’ve never actively done anything to interrupt our routine. The thing is, before you knew about our history, we had to be careful about what we said if you were around, and you were around all the time. Now, we’re both hyper-aware of hurting you and Liam.”
“We’ll get over it. Eventually.”
“That’s the thing. I know that, and so does Rob, but I realized that it’s not fair to tell you and Liam to get over it. We both need to respect you more than that. Rob is trying harder than I was, or at least he thinks he is. Now I have to step up, and the first thing I needed to do was be honest with you.”
“About your feelings for Rob.”
“Yes. I didn’t think I had feelings for him. I’d maintained that we were flirty friends who’d had a brief fling. But if he’d pursued me after our affair instead of pushing me into Liam’s arms six months later, I don’t know how things might have turned out differently. It’s irrelevant now. I love Liam with all I am and I don’t want anyone else.”
“But you’ve realized that you had feelings for Rob in the past and you want to make sure that doesn’t cause problems. How does telling me make it better?”
“Because telling you is my way of saying that those feelings don’t matter anymore. You and Liam will get over the fact that I had something with Rob, once, and I’ll get over it, too. He’s still my best friend and he always will be, but he’s your husband. Rob is not my lover anymore and he shouldn’t be the first person I tell my secrets.”
“You’re still the first person he tells his secrets.”
“Yes. You’ve noticed that he’s worried about something and hasn’t said anything to you, right?”
Emily nodded. “I haven’t pushed, but I know something is bothering him. I thought maybe it was about you and he didn’t want to stir the can of worms.”
“No, it’s not about me. He’s getting anxious about the awards season. Before, he always talked to me about stuff like that. I’m willing to listen, but I think he needs to talk to you about it first. You’re his wife and should be his first line of emotional support. Not me, not Liam, not Rick or Amy or his parents. You.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For respecting our marriage enough to say that.”
“I had some time to be with Liam the last couple weeks, the way we were at the beginning, and I want to move beyond what we had before. To do that, I have to trust him enough to lean on him and believe he really loves me. Rob needs to do the same with you.”
“Why don’t you want to tell Liam you had feelings for Rob?”
“Because it’s my realization and alters how I act in the future. I wanted you to know that I’m going to have a talk with Rob. If the four of us intend to make this work – both the friendships and the professional relationships – I have to let him go and give up being his confidant. For the sake of your marriage, and the one I hope is still in my future, it’s the only way.”
“I won’t lie to Liam. I won’t tell him outright, but I won’t lie to him if he asks, either.”
“I’m not asking you to lie to him. If he asks me, I’ll tell him. But I would appreciate it if you didn’t initiate that conversation.”
“That’s fair. What are you going to tell Rob?”
Jenna sighed. “The same things I just told you.”
**********
While the twins napped in the nursery, Jenna sat on her bed to work. A knock on the door – tap, tap-tap – signaled that Rob was here. Sure enough, he poked his head around the door.
“Got a minute?” he asked.
“For you? Always.”
He sat next to her and she shimmied over to make room. When they were comfortable, he said, “I’m freaking out about the nominations.”
Jenna sighed. It was time. “Have you told Emily about it?”
“No. What would I say? She’ll just try to make me feel better about it and the anxiety will still be there.”
“Rob…” She shook her head. “You have
to stop doing that.”
“Doing what?”
“Pushing her away. You need to talk to her.”
“But I always talk to you about this stuff.”
“No. Not anymore.”
“Are you saying that you don’t want to be friends anymore?”
“No, I’m telling you that if things like this are bothering you, I don’t want to hear about it unless you’ve already discussed it with your wife. I can be a sounding board. I’m more useful to you when it comes to this stuff than Emily is because I’ve been around it most of my life, and I’ve been here for you for over six years. But you have to stop confiding in just me.”
“You don’t want me to confide in you?”
“I want you to learn to lean on your wife.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “I do.”
“No, you don’t. Not enough. It has to be this way.”
“Why?” The anguish in his voice pained her.
“Because.”
“That’s not an answer. We’ve been friends, more than friends, for far too long. ‘Because’ isn’t good enough.”
Jenna couldn’t help the tears that pooled in her eyes. Damn it! When was this weepy thing going to stop? Her voice wobbled.
“Because I can’t be that for you anymore. Not if we want to make our relationships work.”
“Why?” he whispered.
“Because…” she sniffed and sighed, “because I had feelings for you, and I need to get over them.”
His breath caught. “When did you have feelings for me?”
She laughed softly. “When didn’t I?”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” He looked hurt.
“There was no point to it. We both know why. You’re in love with Emily and I’m in love with Liam because we couldn’t give each other what we really needed. It wouldn’t have worked in the long run. One or both of us would’ve been missing something. I loved you too much to risk losing what we had.”
Rob’s eyes filled with tears, too. Unlike her, his emotions floated at the surface. Swallowing before he spoke, a tear spilled down his cheek as he whispered, “I was in love with you.”
Jenna nodded. “I wondered. I wanted to be in love with you, but I never got there. When I met Liam, it made sense why I didn’t. We had a really unhealthy co-dependance for two people who weren’t romantically involved.”
He nodded. “I’m in love with Emily, now.”
“I know, honey. You need to start trusting she’ll stick around. I understand why you’ve hesitated, but you have to stop. We both need to believe that they love us enough. It’s the only way to ensure our relationships survive and our friendship does, too.”
He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently. It wasn’t meant as anything sexual; she knew this. Despite the fact that they had both just admitted their relationship was even more than they’d ever acknowledged, the kiss wasn’t meant to incite lust. But it still stirred her heart the way it always had.
“That has to be the last time. You can’t do that anymore. And as much as I’ve always loved it when you call me ‘gorgeous’, you can’t do that, either. I’ll always be here for you. Always. I’ll walk through fire for you and I’ll do it without hesitation. But Emily is your wife and God willing, Liam will be my husband. We have to respect them and redefine our relationship.”
He pulled away. “You’re right.” He sighed. “I hate it, but you’re right. We can’t ask them to accept what we told them and to go on acting like it doesn’t affect anything. It’s not even about the secret anymore. It’s about really being honest with them.”
“And with ourselves.”
“And with ourselves. Would you have tried to make things work between us if I’d told you how I’d felt and kept you from meeting Liam?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. I was disappointed when you said we shouldn’t pick up where we left off. But you knew that, right?”
“Yeah,” he whispered. Another tear spilled across his cheek. He tried to force a smile. “I refused to admit that I loved you as more than a friend because I knew I wasn’t what you needed.”
“Am I the reason you didn’t date until Emily?”
He nodded. “I didn’t see it at the time. I kept saying once I met someone I wanted as much as I wanted you, I’d know I met the One. I didn’t push Liam to commit to you and let him keep seeing other girls because I hoped that you’d get fed up and walk away, that I’d be there to pick up the pieces, and you’d fall for me as hard as I fell for you.”
Jenna swiped her hands over her face and sighed. “Rick was worried that I thought you’d fall in love with me while I helped you get over Lola. He assumed it was a losing proposition.”
Rob laughed. “He’s not always right, despite what he thinks. I was already crazy about you then. It’s part of why Lola broke up with me. I refused to fire you.”
Jenna’s brows shot upward. “What? You never told me that!”
“She said that I had an unhealthy relationship with my assistant and that if I wanted to be with her, I had to find a new one. I told her that she was insane if she thought I’d walk away from a friend as loyal as you for a woman as fickle as her. So she dumped me. The smear campaign thing was her saving face.”
“Oh my God, Rob. I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shook his head. “Then I’d have had to admit that I wanted to be more than friends with bennies. I didn’t think you wanted that. I thought if I could get you to have an affair with me, you’d see how great we’d be together. It didn’t work, did it?”
Jenna sighed. “Not really. I’d have told you. You know I always go after what I want. It wasn’t until Liam that I turned into a girly girl. I’ve never been that way with anyone else.”
“I know. I’m sorry, Jen. I should have tried harder to help you be together. I was selfish and never pushed him. I told Liam he wouldn’t have listened to me, but I could have done more. He’d have come to the same conclusion sooner.”
“Don’t blame yourself. I liked having you both. I apologized to your wife for being a bitch to her when we told them. I was jealous. I was afraid she’d insist that we couldn’t be friends or that I couldn’t work for you. I was defensive in the worst way. I’m a little ashamed of myself, actually.”
“I could tell she wasn’t comfortable around you the way she had been. Did you tell her what you just told me?”
“That I had feelings for you? Yes. I also asked her not to tell Liam. I won’t lie to him, but I don’t want to rub it in his face. I was always going to choose him. You know that, right?”
“I do. We could be together right now if you really wanted to be with me. If you’d told me the baby was mine that day at the airport, I’d have believed you and I never would have left.”
She smiled. “I know. At least until you met Cam and realized he looked like Liam.”
“He didn’t at birth. By the time I figured it out, I’d have been too attached.”
“Liam immediately knew Cam looked like his baby pictures.”
“Yeah, and no matter what, he’d probably have seen pictures. It’s foolish to think about the what ifs. It didn’t happen. We have to stop living in our past and move forward. That includes being friends without the teasing and the sexual innuendo.”
“Or kisses, pet names and confidences that don’t include our spouses first. We have to let go to make it work. There is no other option that includes us being married to other people. You may have been in love with me once, but you’re not now.”
He shook his head and gave her a sad smile. “Were you ever in love with me, Jen?”
She shook her head slowly. “No. I loved you. Deeply. I still do and I probably always will to some degree. But I was never in love with you, and I’m not offended that you could fall out of love with me. I know it’s not that you’re fickle.”
“I’ll always love you a little.”
“Good. Now go talk to your wife. Tell her what’s botheri
ng you. She’ll help you far more than you think.”
Rob nodded, squeezed her hand and left.
And Jenna promptly broke down sobbing.
That had been harder than she’d ever imagined it would be. It felt like a breakup. Further proof that her feelings for Rob had run far deeper than even she’d known.
Though she’d professed to everyone from Liam and Emily, to Rob, and even Chris and Catie, that she was never in love with Rob, she was pretty sure that had been a lie.
She had to learn how to love only Liam. She still intended to marry the father of her children, and she’d never regret choosing Liam, but that didn’t make redefining her relationship with Rob hurt less.
Chapter 37
Something had changed, but Liam couldn’t put his finger on what it was. On the surface, things appeared normal, or at least how they had been since Rob and Emily had gone to the Not Worthy premiere, but lately, Jenna and Rob both seemed different.
One day in early December, he ran with Emily on the beach in Malibu. Rob and Brian ran early because Rob had a lot on his plate later. Jenna was still recovering and walked a few times each week, so today it was just him and Em. It seemed like a good time to ask Em if she knew anything.
As their feet hit the hard sand, the waves slammed into the shore. Liam took a big breath of salty air and said, “What do you know that you’re not telling me?”
Em looked startled. “Uh.”
“So you do know something,” he puffed.
Her expression was conflicted. “Yes.”
“You going to tell me?”
“I sort of promised I wouldn’t say it outright.”
“Does that mean you didn’t promise to keep quiet?”
“Yes.”
“So if I ask the right questions, you can tell me?”
“Yes.”
“You gonna limit me to twenty?”
“Nope.”
“So you want to tell me.”
“Yep.”
“Is it about Rob and Jenna?”
“Yep.”
“Did they skip something in their little confession?”
“Sort of.”
“Did they commit a lie of omission?”
