by Dani Hoots
I blushed even more, embarrassed for my rudeness. “No, it is. I love them, thank you.” I bowed quickly down, my heart pounding. I had no idea what to say. He appeared so proper today, in a suit as he had been the past two times I had seen him. That reminded me. “Also, thank you for the sakura a couple months ago. They were beautiful as well. You didn’t have to go out of your way to do that.”
“You seemed like you needed some cheering up. I noticed your father had the whole two weeks booked, so I figured he never took you. I thought they might compensate for what you missed,” he placed his hands in his pockets.
“Well, thank you, but that doesn’t change the fact my father ignored me during the season yet again,” I said, instantly regretting what I said. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know you and you don’t need to be bothered with my problems.”
He shook his head. “It’s fine, I understand. I’ve seen it countless times, fathers who run companies not being able to be there for their family, thinking working to provide makes up for all the things missed. I’m just sorry you have to be one of those kids.”
I didn’t say a word as we just stood there, awkwardly. Although I didn’t appreciate him calling me a kid, even though I knew I was one. I felt like a barrier automatically lifted itself up between us when, in reality, I wanted more. Who was I kidding? Mamoru interned for my father, he would turn out just like him. I didn’t want that kind of pain. Not again.
But if he was anything like my father, then why was he here? My father has never showed up to these things, yet here Mamoru was, at my first recital since we had met. But he had said Father told him to come to give me these flowers. Though something inside of me wished he really did want to be here.
I realized I had simply been standing there the entire time all of this went through my mind. My mind panicked as I tried to think of something to say.
“Do you need a ride home?” Mamoru noticed my panic.
I shook my head. “No, Tomone usually brings the car to pick me up if father doesn’t make it. She is probably already waiting for me.”
“All right then. See you around, Shizue,” he turned and strode off into the crowd.
I didn’t see Mamoru again for a while. The school year passed and the sakura began to blossom once more. I stared out the window in the living room, watching as people carried their bentos towards the park to celebrate this year’s hanami. Father still had no time to take me and I began to think I would never enjoy hanami again. It would now represent a time of loneliness for me, as for others it would be a time of happiness.
As I sat there, all alone during my school break, having nothing to do other than practice my violin, ballet, and study for the next school year, I began to wonder what to do with my life. I still didn’t say much at school and hadn’t made any friends. People thought I hated them, but that wasn’t the case. I just didn’t know how to interact with others. I was never good at it when I was younger, and when my mother died I felt as if my world had been shadowed in darkness. No one knew how to comfort me, and I felt like I had fallen into a deep crevasse that I could never climb out of on my own. I wanted someone to help me, but I could never ask. Is my darkness apparent? My pain? Is that why no one bothered with me?
Those thoughts roamed around in my head as I closed my eyes for a second. Suddenly, I heard the door open and when I looked up, I found Mamoru standing in the doorway to the living room, holding two bentos.
“You ready?” he asked as if I knew the context in which he was speaking.
I stood up. “Excuse me? Ready for what?”
He laughed at my question. “For hanami, of course. Your father let me off early today so I thought I would swing by and take you out on a picnic,” he raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you want to go? I talked to Tomone and she said it was alright to take you out for the day. You won’t be missing any of her lessons today.”
“Yeah I want to go, but...” I glanced outside, watching as couples passed by. “Why are you taking me? Don’t you want to take someone special?”
He shrugged. “You looked so sad last year, I didn’t want you to feel that way again.”
I could see the honesty in his eyes, which made me smile. No one had ever showed me such compassion as Mamoru had at that moment. For once I felt like someone cared about me.
“Then yeah, let’s go.”
He grinned widely and waited for me as I changed into something more suitable for the day. I wore a plain pink button-shirt and jeans with some white sandals. To top it off, I put on a jean jacket and grabbed my purse that matched my shirt. After a few minutes, and some lip balm I was ready to go.
We headed into the crowded park across the street from my home and looked for a vacant spot. It was hard to find a spot under the sakura in the city, as everyone else seemed to want to take the days off and go view the blossoms. Even students who went to school during the break were given a day or two off to come celebrate the season.
The cool wind picked up, but it felt more refreshing than cold as it took away the stuffiness that the city sometimes possessed. My jean jacket kept me warm against the more heavy breezes. I breathed in the fresh air of the park, even though it was still in a city the air always seemed pure out here.
At last we found a spot near the middle of the park under an enormous cherry tree. I couldn’t believe we had been so lucky as to find it. The tree also stood near the small creek that ran through the park and I could still hear the trickle of the water over the noise the people around me were making. Custom had it that hanami stood for a time of peace and tranquility, so there rarely was a problem of rowdiness.
Mamoru put down a blanket for us to sit on. White and green checkerboard freckled the design and a few places had been ripped and repaired as the stitches didn’t match the rest of it. I wondered if it was an antique or if he simply bought it used. I didn’t care as he had gone through all this trouble to bring me. A worn out blanket was as good as a new one to sit on. He gestured for me to sit down and I nodded a thank you.
He sat down next to me and pulled out two bentos for lunch. I still couldn’t believe my eyes, even though I had seen them at the house, that he had gone to all this trouble just to take me out to see the sakura. Handing me the bento, I saw how nicely everything was laid out. Onigiri, eggs, crab sushi, carrots, and some strawberries. I wasn’t a fan of carrots, but I would eat them anyway. He had to of prepared it himself.
“Thank you so very much, Mamoru,” I said as I opened the box.
He smiled and handed me chopsticks. “It’s not a problem. Please, eat.”
We ate our lunches quietly as the atmosphere swept me away. I felt like a fantasy world surrounded me, almost as if I would blink and wake up in my bed to find out that it had been a dream. But it wasn’t a dream. This was real. I had finally gotten my wish to enjoy the season once again.
Once Mamoru and I finished our meal, we simply sat there and watched the wind drift through the park.
“It’s so beautiful,” I commented as the pedals slowly began to rain down upon us.
“In these spring days, when tranquil light encompasses the four directions, why do the blossoms scatter with such uneasy hearts?” I looked at Mamoru, puzzled. He chuckled. “It’s an old poem. Just about how something so beautiful can be so sad.”
I watched as he stared off into the sky. There seemed to be so much going through his mind, and I had no idea as to what it was. “Do you think I am sad? Is that why you brought me here?”
His eyes widened, surprised I had said that. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. Though, truly, everyone is sad one way or another. That is why we are always searching for something to make us happy.”
I thought about what he said for a moment. “What about the cherry blossoms then? What will make them happy?”
He glanced up at the blossoms as they fell down. “Seeing us enjoy them, I suppose. That’s why they fall down to us, because they want to be closer to all the life around t
hem.”
It seemed like a logical presumption, but I couldn’t help to feel sorry for the blossoms. Maybe that was why I felt so close to them, because I always felt so lonely all the time.
Mamoru sat there silently, enjoying the sights again. He watched as people went by, mainly couples. He seemed a little sad himself when he watched them hold hands and laugh. I knew it was sadness because he had the same look in his eyes as I always possessed.
“Do you have a girlfriend, Mamoru?” I asked, immediately regretting the question. It wasn’t my business. I didn’t want to seem nosy. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
He shook his head, smiling as if I had said something amusing. “No, I don’t. Love isn’t in the cards,” he turned to me quite abruptly. “Hey, why don’t we go to the carnival down the street? Would you like that?”
My eyes widened. It had been ages since I had been to a carnival. “Yes, I would love that!”
He laughed as he gathered the bentos and blanket and stored them in the little bag he had. I probably seemed like a child to him, so excited to attend the carnival, but it had been such a long time since I attended one. I remembered them being such a blast when I was younger. Tomone had taken me years back, but that wasn’t the same. I wanted to go with someone who wanted to be with me and wasn’t just simply paid to take me. Although, for all I knew, Father could have paid Mamoru to take me out today. It would have surprised me, however, that he even thought about me for a second.
“Did my father ask you take me out today, Mamoru?” I asked as we headed towards the carnival.
“No, he was just in a lot of meetings today and didn’t need me. So he let me have the day off and I decided to use this day to cheer you up. I know how hard your dad has been working and how hard that can be on you as well,” he explained.
I nodded, half believing his story, half thinking it possible that my father had told him to say that. Again, I really doubted he would go to so much trouble as to send his intern here. But even so, it was strange that Mamoru would care enough to take me out like this. I didn’t bring up the topic as to why he decided to do this again, I didn’t want to ruin to moment or seem ungrateful. But I was still suspicious.
As we walked across the park, Mamoru grabbed my hand. I glanced down at his hand with mine, my heart racing.
“So we don’t get separated in the crowd,” he winked.
I nodded and felt my cheeks turn red. His hand felt warm against mine and I never wanted to let it go.
I could not believe my eyes when we reached the carnival. Lights, prizes, rides, and shows brought people from all over to this spot.
“Where do you want to start?” Mamoru asked.
I shook my head, unable to decide.
He chuckled. “Well, how about we play some games first?”
Nodding, he led me over to a game where we had to knock over as many bottles as we could. I sucked at it, of course, but Mamoru knocked them all over and won a stuffed bear. He gave it to me, saying he had no room in his apartment for it. I hugged it tightly and told myself I would cherish it forever. After another hour, Mamoru received a text asking him to come back into the office. I wasn’t surprised at all, just more shocked that my father had even let him out of the office. Mamoru walked me back to my house and headed back to work. My skin tingled as I watched him walk down the street from my window. I had never felt this way before. I collapsed on my bed and cuddled the bear. For once in my life, I felt warm inside.
I never found out if my father knew about Mamoru taking me to celebrate Hanami. He never said a word about it, although he never mentioned wanting to take me either. We rarely talked anymore. If we did, it would be about how school was going. I would say fine. Then he would ask how violin was going. I would say fine. Sometimes he remembered about ballet and asked how that was going as well. Again, I would say fine. That was as far as the conversations went. The only time I ever spent much time with him was when he took me out for my birthday.
When I turned fifteen, Tomone dropped me off at the usual restaurant we ate at on my birthday. I wore a little pink dress Father gave me as present, or at least said he picked out. It was probably Tomone who went and got it, I had no doubt. As I entered, I peered around. My father was nowhere to be seen. Typical.
The waiter sat me down at the reserved table and I waited for my father to show. And waited. I tapped my foot, impatient that he would be this late, but stopped when an elderly couple kept glaring at me. I must have been making more noise than I had thought.
An hour passed and my father still hadn’t shown up. Tears began to fill my eyes as I sat there all alone. Out of everything, my father never forgot my birthday. It was the one thing he remembered about me. But now he was past that. Now he didn’t even bother remembering my birthday. The waiter saw my sadness and brought me out a free scoop of ice cream. I didn’t eat it. I didn’t feel like eating anything at that moment, especially from someone who was giving me pity.
I headed home. It wasn’t that far from the restaurant, that way my father didn’t have to travel that far. I debated whether or not going straight home was the best idea. What if I simply disappeared? Hid and let no one find me? Would he worry? Would he notice? Send out a search party? I really doubted it and, besides, where would I go?
As I kept walking, my eyes filled with tears and I looked straight down at the sidewalk. I felt like I could just stop and collapse on the ground and lay there for days with no one coming to help me to see if I was fine. All I wanted was someone to care, to notice me.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Why do you look so down?” I heard a familiar voice say. I looked up to find Mamoru standing in front of me. He must have just gotten off of work because he was still wearing his suit and tie. In his left hand was his briefcase. Without restraint, I ran into his arms and started crying. I felt like a child doing so, ashamed of my action in front of someone I hardly knew, but I had no one else to turn to. He wrapped his arms around me and stroked my back. “It’s okay, Shizue. It’s okay.”
I rubbed the tears from my eyes. “Father forgot my birthday. He doesn’t love me anymore. He has completely forgotten about me.”
“Your birthday? I had no idea your birthday was today. I’m so sorry Shizue, but just realize he does love you, he just doesn’t know how to show it,” he straightened up. “Now come, how about I treat you to some ice cream for your birthday?”
I didn’t want to tell him I had just refused free ice cream from the restaurant and that I didn’t feel like eating at that moment, so I went along with him to the nearest ice cream parlor. He grabbed my hand once more as we walked. His warmth felt good against my hand and I wished I could stay like that forever. My heart began to quicken and I wondered what this feeling was. Every time I had thought about him since he took me to celebrate hanami, I felt strange inside and I longed to see him again. But it wasn’t that simple. I wasn’t allowed to go to my father’s work, and I had no other way to reach him. It didn’t matter. I was too shy even to admit that I wanted to spend more time with him. This would just have to suffice.
We arrived at the ice cream parlor. There were so many choices to choose from, but I ordered my usual strawberry Sunday while Mamoru had a plain vanilla ice cream cone. Once it was ready, we took a seat at a small table.
“How old are you now, Shizue?” he asked as he watched me eat. He finished his ice cream cone quickly.
“Fifteen.” I took a spoonful of my ice cream. It was probably rude for me to ask, but he had started it. “How old are you?”
He smiled half-heartedly. “Almost twenty now.”
I was surprised at his answer. I had thought he was at least twenty-two or twenty-three. “You’re young to have had an internship this long. Normally my father’s interns are at least twenty-two.”
“Yes, I was lucky to be able to work for your father. I was selected out of five hundred students who applied for early internship,” he explained almost humorously, as if he couldn’t believe he had be
en selected.
I had never realized how smart he was until that moment, although I should have known. My father would never accept anything less. “That’s impressive. You are very smart, then. Do you go to college as well?”
He nodded. “Yes, I do.”
“How do you have time for both?”
He shrugged. “The internship counts as part of my school work. Then I take a couple of classes at night each term.”
I twirled my spoon in my now soupy leftovers. “What do you want to do with your life, Mamoru?”
“I want to have a career in business. I want to run a big company, just like your father.”
“Oh,” I put my spoon down and examined the swirls I had made with the leftover syrup in my bowl. He wanted to be my father, but he seemed so different. Why would he ever want to be like that? Cold and a workaholic?
“What do you want to be when you grow up, Shizue?” he asked, breaking the silence.
