by Dani Hoots
I laughed and shook my head. That was a good question, and one I had no idea how to answer. “I don’t know. I like my violin and ballet. Maybe something to do with one of those.”
He smiled. “Well, you have a while to think about it yet.”
I bit my lip, debating on whether or not to ask him the question that had always been on my mind. “Why are you so nice to me, Mamoru?”
Mamoru looked surprised. “What do you mean?”
I shook my head. “You are always kind and generous towards me. I don’t understand.”
“I…” he placed his hand on mine. “I just want you to smile.”
I pushed his hand away from mine and stood up. “I don’t need your pity, Mamoru. I get that enough from the people around me!” Turning around, I ran out of the parlor. As I headed towards my home, I started to regret what I had said. He did nothing to deserve that outburst, but I was so upset with my father that I didn’t know what to do. Then there was the fact that every time I saw Mamoru, I felt strange inside. I didn’t know how to handle it all, but I had a feeling I had just handled it poorly. Though, I was beginning high school next year and I didn’t need to be treated like a child. That was all I was to him, a sad little child. And truthfully, I wanted to be more. But I would never appear like that to him, and that is why I ran away.
Days passed and I didn’t see Mamoru around. I wanted to apologize for running out on him at the ice cream parlor. A week later, the doorbell rang. Tomone was out doing errands so I answered it.
“Is there a Shizue at this residence?” the stranger inquired, holding a large bouquet of carnations.
I nodded. “Yes, that’s me.”
“This flower delivery is for you,” he handed me the flowers, bowed and left. Closing the door, I opened the note. It simply said ‘sorry’ signed Mamoru. I held it against my chest. He wasn’t the one who needed to apologize, I was.
Even more weeks went by and I didn’t get to see Mamoru. He must have been working hard, as he usually was. I wanted to thank him for the flowers and tell him that I was at fault, not him. I never got the chance.
I worked hard on my studies, both curricular and extracurricular. My dancing had improved greatly and my instructor decided to challenge me by letting me choreograph a dance for our recital. I felt very honored, but also scared that I wouldn’t be able to impress her. I worked hard on it for two months to make sure that wouldn’t happen. I wanted it to be perfect, and perfect it would be. I went through so many songs, trying to find one that I felt passionate about. Finally, after a few hours, I found it. The next two months I listened to it constantly, understanding both the lyrics and melody perfectly. I would not fail this honor.
The day came for me to perform my piece in front of everyone and their parents and friends. Butterflies filled my stomach as I waited in the back for my turn. It reminded me of my solo violin performance a couple years back. The group in front of me finished their song and I was up next. I took a deep breath and stood up on stage, waiting for the lights to shine on me. It felt like I was standing there forever. The music began, the lights turned on, and I emptied my head of all thought. Nothing mattered except the music.
The performance went smoothly and many dancers congratulated me on such a great job, which surprised me since they had seemed mad at me before, but I didn’t care. There was only one person’s opinion I cared to hear. After the show, I snuck out into the crowd. It was packed with mothers and fathers commenting on their child’s performances. I sighed. My father was a no show yet again. It didn’t bother me anymore. I had finally accepted my father’s absence in my life. Besides, he wasn’t the one I was looking for.
As I began to give up on my search, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to find Mamoru holding a single pink carnation. I smiled. “You came.”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. You were amazing Shizue. I didn’t know you were so talented in both this and the violin. You danced with such passion.”
I bowed. “Thank you.”
We stood there, silent and a little bit awkward. Neither of us made eye contact, but looked at each other’s feet.
“Do you want to go get a bite to eat to celebrate?” he finally asked.
I grinned. “I would love that.”
After that night he came to every one of my dance and violin recitals. As the rest of the year went by we became closer and closer, spending more time together without my father’s knowledge, I presumed. He was always there for me, and felt special for once in my life. We went to festivals and carnivals as they came to town and at last the sakura had started to blossom once again. Mamoru took me out as he did the year before and we admired the flowers together.
“Are you ready to start high school, Shizue?” Mamoru asked as he took a bite of his onigiri.
I shrugged. “I suppose so.”
“Yes you are. Just wait. You will make new friends, fall in love, and set new goals for yourself. It will be a lot of fun.”
I smiled as I watched him take another bite. I didn’t want to tell him my new school had the same students from junior high. I wouldn’t make any new friends. The girls at school still made fun of me. The only thing that kept me company was my violin and my dancing. There were no boys I was interested in either.
Except for one.
School started and I dreaded every minute of it. The girls were meaner and the classes were harder. I kept up my violin and ballet and tried not to think about school. My grades were acceptable, so father never said a word about it.
The first year of high school passed and Mamoru and I seemed to spend every other weekend together. He took me out for my birthday and any special occasion he deemed worthy to buy me ice cream for, which seemed to be more often than not. I swore I was going to get fat from all the sweets. My second year of high school was starting and that time of year I so dearly loved was back. We were out in the park as we were each year, enjoying each other’s company.
“Mamoru,” I finally spoke up. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
He laughed. “Haven’t you already asked me this? A couple of years back?”
“I asked you if you had a girlfriend, never asked why not,” I clarified. It probably was none of my business, I knew. But we had grown so close and the question never left my mind.
He let out a chuckle under his breath. “Being in business, I have found, leaves a person incapable of love and commitment. I decided I could never make the person I love happy so I choose not to have a relationship. I have to follow my dreams.”
“But don’t you dream of love?”
He shrugged. “Sometimes, but...” he let the sentence drop and turned to me. “How about you? What is your dream?”
I looked up at the sky and grinned. “My dream is to become a famous musician and hold concerts all over the world.”
He smiled but said nothing. His eyes seemed sad, as if he had been hoping for something else, or he seemed to be thinking about something else. I didn’t ask him what was wrong, knowing he wouldn’t answer and just redirect the question. He did that a lot.
The year went by and my heart grew fonder of Mamoru and I felt like nothing could break our friendship. When I was finally old enough to attend the banquets my father hosted for clients, I was reluctant to go at first, but the thought of Mamoru there made me change my mind. Tomone helped me pick out a long red dress and assisted me as I got ready for the banquet. Father was going straight from work, of course, and Tomone was going to drop me off later that night. As I finished clipping on the last earring, I heard someone knock. I could hear the visitor’s voice as Tomone opened the door. It was Mamoru.
I rushed into the entry to find Mamoru in a black tuxedo. He grinned as he saw me.
“You look beautiful.”
I blushed. “Thank you. You look pretty handsome yourself.”
“Shizue, Mamoru here wants to know if he can escort you to the banquet,” Tomone watched as we stared at each other. It wasn’t unt
il that moment did I wonder what Tomone thought of our relationship and whether or not she spoke about any of it to my father. But at that moment, I didn’t care. My prince charming had come to take me to the ball.
I nodded. “Yes, that’s fine.”
Mamoru opened the door and led me to his car. I didn’t know he had a car until then, he never mentioned it nor had I seen him drive one. It was a black Mitsubishi Lancer EX. It smelled new on the inside, so maybe he had just purchased it. After we buckled in, we rode off towards the banquet in silence.
We arrived, and I was surprised as to how many people my father had invited. I had no idea he was so popular in the business industry. I sat down at one of the tables in the back and watched as the older workers danced gracefully in the middle. It seemed like something out of a movie and I could barely believe it. No wonder he never came home, if he had all these types of parties to go to.
“Would you care to dance?” I turned to find Mamoru holding out his hand. “I presume you know how to waltz since you are so talented at ballet.”
I nodded. “I would love to.”
He led me onto the dance floor and we danced the entire song together. I glanced around as we danced, but I never saw my father anywhere. Even at his own banquet that he insisted I go to he didn’t show his face to me. I tried to forget about him and enjoy my time with Mamoru. After the song was over, another employee grabbed Mamoru’s attention. I went back to the table and waited for him to be done talking. It was an hour before her returned. We talked for another hour, him pointing out all of my father’s coworkers and whispered to me short little secrets about them all. He seemed to enjoy working for my father and getting to know the people. After a while, it was starting to get late and Mamoru decided it would be best to take me back home.
It started to rain as he drove me home. I hated the rain, it always made me feel that the heavens were crying. It made me want to cry as well since I understood its sorrow. I listened as the drops hit the windshield of the car. Lights from other cars going by blurred in the reflection. Each song that played on the radio stayed flowing in my mind.
Once we arrived to my home, Mamoru parked the car in the front. Grabbing an umbrella, he escorted me to the entrance of my home.
I bowed. “Thank you, Mamoru, I had a good time.”
He laughed. “No you didn’t, you looked miserable.”
I smiled. “I had fun dancing with you, though.”
As I turned towards the door and started to open it, I felt Mamoru grab my wrist. I turned, and he pulled me close and gently kissed my lips. His lips were soft and warm, contrary to the cold rain that fell down upon us. He quickly backed away and shook his head.
“I’m sorry,” he turned and ran to his car.
“Mamoru?” I watched as he sped off into the distance. Touching my lips, I felt tears form in my eyes. I had cared for him all this time, but never knew his true feelings until that night.
A week passed before I heard anything from Mamoru. The sakura were here and I expected him to stop by at any time to sweep me off my feet and into the park. I couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss he had given me and hoped that we could grow closer.
I was in my room, practicing my violin, when I heard a knock behind me. I turned to find Mamoru standing in the doorway.
“Mamoru,” I smiled as I set my violin down. He didn’t return the smile. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m getting married tomorrow,” his voice was low, not an ounce of happiness was detected.
My heart skipped a beat. “But...”
“It is an omiai. One of the CEOs that works with your father liked me and arranged for me to marry his daughter.”
I clenched the edge of my shirt, holding back my tears. “But you said you would never marry.”
He looked up and met my eyes. “I said I would never marry someone I loved.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. An omiai? After all this time, this is what he chose to do? “If you wanted to marry a CEO’s daughter,” tears ran down my cheek. “You could have asked my father.”
He shook his head. “I can’t marry you Shizue.”
“Why not?” I pleaded.
“Because I love you, and I know I can’t be there for you. I could never live with myself if that were the case.”
I shook my head, “No. No!” I shoved him out of my room. “I hate you Mamoru!” I slammed the door and leaned my back against it. I fell to my knees, weeping.
“Shizue,” I heard his voice on the other side of the door. “I’m... sorry.”
Now here I was, crying in the rain, listening to the clock strike three. I was too late. I was too late to tell him how I felt. He was married now, and I could never have him. I let the rain dampen my hair and clothes as I stared up into the sky. He didn’t want to marry her, he only did it to make my father happy. He had truly loved me. This entire time, he had always been there for me, every time I needed him. Yet, the one time I could have been there for him, the one time I could have saved him, I had failed. Now our paths were forever separated, to never intertwine again. I had told him my dream was to be a violinist but that was a lie.
My dream was to be with him.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
I would never forget the sound of the clocks that moved on by as my heart felt like it had stopped. When everything had seemed to stop.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Cold sweat ran down my face and even down my bare arms. I should have grabbed a jacket, but we had been rushed out of Oliver’s house so quickly that it didn’t even occur to me. I glanced over at him to find him uncomfortable in the old style desk, also keeping an eye on the horrible clock, his black hair messier than normal and his tie not quite straight. My hair was still wet, only having time for a quick towel-dry.
Dr. Ralan, Dr. Michael, and Dr. Madape all sat in front of the two of us, frowning. It was up to them how they would handle the situation. They literally had our lives in their hands now and they weren’t too happy about that. Dr. Ralan tapped his pen on the stack of papers in front of him, frustrated that this trial, if that’s what they wanted to call. It sure wasn’t just a ‘meeting’.
Clearing his throat, Dr. Ralan looked up at me. “Would you mind starting from the beginning, Christina?”
I took a deep breath, not wanting the tears that were pressing down on me to escape. This whole thing was embarrassing enough, I didn’t want to add being a cry baby to the list. Not today, anyway, although it would be a lie if I said I didn’t want to crawl up in a ball and hide until all of this blew over. But that wasn’t me, I was a fighter. I would stand tall and not let this incident destroy my life, even though it felt like it was going to.
“It started the summer before last, before I began school here. Before I even met Dr. Riley or knew of his existence at the university. It was in London that I met a man named Oliver, a stranger whom I thought I would never meet again...”
I stared out the window at King’s Cross station. What I would have given in order to be able to run through the brick to platform 9 3/4, but I knew that would have just made me look like a tourist. I could have gone to the shop and got my picture taken at the fake spot they made for the Potterheads, but I didn’t want something that tacky. I wanted the real adventure, which was silly because I was already on an adventure all by myself. Exploring the entirety of Scotland and England all by my lonesome.
Originally I was supposed to come to the UK with my boyfriend, Bret, but we ended up breaking up a month before. He didn’t believe in long distance relationships and wanted me to give up my dream of becoming an anthropologist and pretty much be his stay-at-home wife. I slapped him and stormed off. I guess he ended up changing his flight to Paris and took a different girl, Sally I believe her name was. It was a little quick, I thought, for him to take a different girl off to another country, which led me to suspect that he had been cheating on me with her for a while. It didn’t matter, now I was on an adventure by myself, just as it sh
ould have been. I would have a lot more fun without him.
Nothing on this trip had been planned, other than a list of museums I wanted to visit. I knew I would start in Edinburgh and make my way down the country. I had been yearning to visit Scotland and England for a while, as my interest was in health of different classes during the Industrial Revolution in Victorian England. Which was why I couldn’t wait until the fall when I would begin my journey into graduate school at Oregon West Coast University and start researching that exact topic. It seemed like a dream come true.
As the conductor bellowed on his whistle to indicate that the doors were about to close, a man jumped in at the last minute and glanced around for a place to sit. His hair was dark, thick, and a bit on the messy side. He still had rain drops running off the sides of his face and coat. I swore that it never stopped raining here, I came to that conclusion even after just a day. It either rained lightly or it rained heavily. Nothing else.
