The Lumberjack

by Erik Martin Willén

  “I’d love to take care of them for you guys, if you trust me with them.”

  Frank smiled widely. “Of course we trust you! And the way both of them behave when they’re with you is wonderful. Love at first sight.”

  “And you guys will be gone for how long?”

  “Give or take six months, but I’ll drop by once or twice in the early spring and check on the store.”

  “I can do that for you, too.”

  “Thank you, Christina, but Whitney will take care of that part for us.”

  “When will you guys leave?”

  “At the first snow. Might be in a few weeks, if I believe the weather man. Then again, snow might be early this year.”

  “I can’t wait! I’ve heard that there are a few nice mountains with ski resorts not too far away from here, and I love downhill skiing.”

  “Don’t break any legs, now.”

  “Promise, and if I do, then Nugget and Hunter can pull me around on a sled—just the way you do with Winston.”

  “Oh, you seen that, huh? Yeah, that Winston is a breed apart. By the way, did you know that Hunter is for sale?”

  “For sale? No, I had no idea.”

  “He was trained for another family, who in the end decided to get a poodle instead.”

  “But do you really want to sell him?”

  “No, not really, but both Hunter and Nugget were trained for other owners. Nugget’s history is about the same…the family changed their mind. Or I should say, I had my doubts about that particular family.”

  “If you don’t want them, I’ll take them!”

  “Oh, don’t misunderstand me, I love them both dearly…but both my wife and I aren’t getting any younger, and these to villains needs a lot of exercise and attention. Think about it, at least. I know your work can take you far away for long periods of time, so you might want to reconsider.”

  “Let me have them, please, at least until you guys come back, and then we can decide. How’s that?”

  “Sounds like a plan. Claire and I will keep them until we leave.”

  “By the way, how are they around cats? I’m thinking of adopting the little one I found in the river.”

  “If it’s a kitten, no problem. If it’s an older cat with an attitude, then there might be a Tom and Jerry situation.”

  Christina laughed with Frank, the sound alerting the dogs, who soon joined them.

  “And Nugget’s wounds?”

  “He should be all right by the time Claire and I leave.”

  Christina kneeled by the two troublemakers, and let them kiss her all over her face. “I’m going to spoil you guys rotten.”

  Peter came running up, waving his hands to get their attention. “Got some trouble, I think.” He wasn’t even out of breath, Christina noticed.

  “What’s going on?”

  “You got some miners drilling holes in your land, Christina.”

  “What do you mean, drilling?”

  Frank explained, “They’re prospecting for gold, and then they’ll try and make a claim—on your land.”

  “But can they do that?”

  “No, but they don’t care, and some of these prospectors are backed financially by some very powerful people, especially the Wicked Witch of the East. Hang on, let me make a call.”

  Christina turned to Peter. “Whereabouts are they?”

  “Down the jogging path. Robert and the big Russian guy are arguing with them now. Well, Robert’s arguing; the Russian dude is just standing there looking scary.”

  “Motherfuckers. Show me the way,” Christina ordered, and the two dogs, noticing her mood swing, immediately started to whine while looking at Frank, who was talking on his cell phone. He nodded his head and made a smacking sound. Shortly after, Nugget and Hunter were flanking Christina as she stalked down the jogging trail.

  "Thought you guys would chase them off," she said to Peter as they trudged along.

  “We would have, but they claim that the owner’s given them permission to drill.”

  “I most certainly have not. Do you think Claire and Frank gave them permission?”

  “No, he would have told us.”

  Frank ran after them and was a bit out of breath when he caught up. “I called the park ranger and the sheriff’s office, they’re on the way…the ranger almost sounded joyful when I said they’d been caught in the act.”

  When they arrived at the site, Christina was astonished by the amount of devastation the intruders had created. A strange-looking vehicle with tracks instead of wheels had made its own path to the site, and several large trees had been cut down by the prospectors. The argument was loud, and people were screaming and making threats.

  Christina walked over to Robert, who was talking loudly to another man, who was screaming and shouting while waving a document in his hand. It took a while before a dead silence fell over the area.

  “I’m the owner of this land, gentlemen,” Christina said threateningly, “the land you have ruined with your machines and chainsaws.”

  “Well, we got city permits, and—”

  “Get the fuck off my land! Now! And expect to hear from my lawyer! Go back the way you came, and don’t disturb another thing!”

  Christina had used The Tone, combined with The Stare. No one said a word, and eventually the prospectors lost the stare-down.

  “You’re aware that this part of Ms. Dawn’s land is part of a national park?” Frank asked calmly.

  “No it’s not, and…”

  Sirens wailed in the distance.

  Someone said threateningly to Christina, “You bitch! You ratted on us and called the fucking pigs?”

  Nugget and Hunter lay next to Frank, observing the scene very intently.

  The man who had shouted at Robert tried to calm his crew down. His hesitation confirmed what Christina had suspected: that their so-called permit was probably fake.

  “You don’t know what’s coming, you fucking cunt,” another person threatened.

  Some growling from the dogs.

  There were two smacking sounds, and two of the prospectors lay stretched out with broken noses.

  Robert turned his head, looking at Boris, who smiled like an innocent child. Well…maybe not that innocent.

  The prospectors started to collect their things.

  “No. No one moves,” Peter said, hand on his pistol.

  “You heard my buddy,” Robert followed up. They had strategically positioned themselves to stop anyone trying to get away.

  A park ranger ran down a long hill toward them, and behind her came Officer Whitney, breathing a bit heavily considering his beer belly. In the ensuing ten minutes, all the prospectors were arrested on the spot, and all the equipment, including the trucks parked on the road, were confiscated. The park ranger, the same woman who had visited Christina at the hospital, was thrilled to death at having finally caught someone in the act, and raging mad when she saw the damage the prospectors had caused.

  There was some argument about what Boris had done, but Whitney never arrested him. Boris had muttered something incoherent to the police officer, who had just smiled back. Everyone walked up to the main road. Christina insisted on pressing charges, intending to sue for heavy punitive damages and force them to clean up their mess.

  The two-lane mountain road had traffic lined up both ways and Deputy Lucy, a tall woman with short hair, took care of traffic.

  "So, what's going on here?" she asked Whitney.

  “Some gold prospectors got caught red-handed, trespassing.”

  “Here? But isn’t this part of the national park?”

  “Damn right it is.”

  She waved the truck forward, while making a stop signal towards oncoming traffic. Ted Hagglund touched the tip of his baseball cap towards Robert and Boris, and when he saw Christina, he turned his head away, thinking, Still a pretty little thing. Maybe me and her…? Nah, disgusting.

  Christina left the doctor’s office after her hopefully last vis
it for a while, and drove her sporty new truck to the airport to pick up her best friend, Tammy. She smiled as she passed parts of the road she remembered from her long walk. Driving in her truck, it didn’t seem that far. She had to be very careful when she drove, though, because there were many big trucks hauling logs to the local mills. Then again, she was used to L.A traffic, and had no real problems. What she wasn’t used to was that many roads were only two-lane; she didn’t like that, and had decided that no matter how slow the vehicle in front of her was, she would never pass it on the opposite side of the road.

  She grabbed a cup of coffee from a vending machine once she was inside the small terminal. The plane was half an hour late. She wore her disguise, avoiding most people; then again, the terminal was almost empty. She didn’t want to take any chances if there were any photographers nearby. She still had the L.A. paparazzi scare in her. But she had to admit to herself that most of the locals in Skull Creek didn’t give a shit who she was or what she did in the world, because everyone seemed to respect each other’s private and professional lives, and most people had been very nice to her. The ones that hadn’t weren’t local, mostly.

  The small passenger plane landed, and of course the first person who stepped out onto the stairway was Tammy. She wore high heels and a tight designer outfit. Over her shoulder she carried a very large purse—or was it a small suitcase? On her head was a typical California straw hat in the latest fashion, with a matching ribbon—Christina hated those hats. It was enormous, and as Tammy tried to wave to her she kept holding the hat with one hand. Eventually she waved both hands like a mad woman to Christina, who stood behind a large window waving back. Then Christina gasped and shielded her mouth with her hands, staring at her friend in horror.

  Tammy wasn’t just waving to her; she had two very large plastic objects in her hands while doing so—no wonder she had trouble keeping the ugly hat on her head!—and now she was down in front of the plane, signaling to the pilot and copilot, who were both laughing very hard.

  The dildos in her hands were abnormally huge.

  “And there goes the hat in the wind,” Christina mused.

  An airport worker ran up to Tammy with her hat, but from the body language the worker was less than amused, and made Tammy move along.

  “And yes, she’s giving him one of the dildos,” Christina said to herself.

  She laughed when she saw the reaction of the worker. It was a woman, and now she smiled and waved her hand, not realizing she still held the dildo. The pilots were dying of laughter in the cockpit.

  “There goes the idea of remaining in the shadows, right down the drain. So much for not drawing attention to us,” Christina muttered.

  Christina wasn’t upset; instead, she started to laugh herself. The moment Tammy entered the building, she lit it up like a lightning storm with her very presence. She was dressed like a typical professional woman, an independent woman who walked like she talked, with a confidence most people could only envy. They hugged and laughed like only best friends can. They gathered her luggage, and as they left the building, Tammy went by an old man who had been undressing both Christina and Tammy with his eyes, in a futile attempt to conceal it from a very upset wife.

  Tammy handed her one of the dildos. “Better than Viagra, rest assured, you horny old toads you.”

  The couple looked at Tammy questioningly, and then in horror at the large plastic object. After a moment, the man smiled, waving goodbye; and his wife smiled too, but she wasn’t looking at the girls.

  They got into the truck and drove off. “Yep, you’re crazy as hell,” Christina drawled.

  “Shut up! You love every minute of it. I would never have expected to see you drive one of these Transformers, though. Really going country, aren’t ya?”

  “Always been a clumsy tomboy.”

  “Yeah, when it comes to clumsy you sure fit the bill. It’s kind of strange when someone with such tiny feet walks and falls like a clown.”

  “Yeah, well, I’d rather have mine than your giant clogs.”

  “Oh, Christina, all the boys looooove my feet.”

  “No, Tammy, they don’t. It’s what you do with them that they love.”

  Tammy pouted and stuck her tongue out.

  They drove into town, laughing and talking at the same time -– something only women can do. Tammy let out a loud scream when she saw the main road. “Oh my, this is so cool! If not for all the cars, you’d think we were in a Clint Eastwood western. This whole town is so adorable, cuddly, and cute!”

  Christina parked at the western store, and like the two professionals they were, they invaded it. Tammy had to update her wardrobe for the Wild West, after all. The people inside never knew what hit them. One hour later, Christina made good use of the back of her truck, grateful that it had a huge lid with a lock on it. She locked the back and started to get in the cab.

  “Wait a minute! You said we’re going to get something to eat, right?”

  Christina, with her back still turned, motioned for Tammy to follow. “Come on, it’s just down the street.”

  “We’re walking?”

  Christina turned and looked at Tammy’s six-inch heels, smiling. She herself had dressed more comfortably; she wore her favorite sandals, faded denim overalls, a T-shirt, and one of her new hats that already looked worn. As they walked on the boardwalk Tammy’s shoes got stuck in the cracks more than once, but like the trouper she was, she kept going—a bit wobbly, though.

  They stepped into a nice restaurant and waited to be seated. It was lunchtime, and there were a lot of guests in the place. No one reacted to them at first; but when they were escorted to their table, more than one head turned.

  “My name is Joseph, and I’ll be your waiter,” the young man said as he handed them their menus.

  As she took hers, Tammy said to Christina, “So, have you had any since you got here, or are you still celibate?”

  The waiter blushed. Tammy ignored him, and Christina tried desperately to hide her face in the menu.

  “Um, Joseph, could you please give us a few minutes?” Christina asked. He hurried away, having forgotten to ask if they wanted anything to drink.

  With a powerful voice, Tammy shouted, “Joseph, two cold ones, and make it snappy.”

  Later, both ordered the catch of the day, and enjoyed their meal. Tammy was on her second beer by then, but Christina knew her limit whenever she drove a vehicle. They laughed loudly, at times perhaps a little too loudly, but neither cared. Both were happy to be together again. They shared experiences, and Christina talked about everything that had happened to her in Skull Creek, which took a while. More than once she could sense fury from Tammy, but she was a good listener. Eventually, Christina told her about Frank and Claire, and told her they were going to go see them next.

  After lunch both walked further down the road, and did a bit more shopping. Once they were back at the truck, they loaded the hoard in the back. Christina drove slowly, and eventually parked outside Hancock Tool Supply. They had to park further down the street than normal, because all the spots in front of the store were taken.

  This time when they walked on the wooden sidewalk, Tammy gave up after one of her heels broke off. She picked up the leftovers of her expensive designer shoe and gave it a sad stare. Then they walked inside and were met by a bizarre scene: an argument between Claire and an overdressed older woman. Many patrons around the store had stopped what they were doing to eavesdrop.

  “How dare you sell your property to some outsider? I’ve been wanting to buy it for years, and now you have the audacity to say you sold it? How dare you?”

  “Enough, Mrs. Tulip,” Claire snapped. “You know we didn’t want to sell it to you. We’ve told you often enough. Now, if you’re not buying anything, then you’ll have to leave; this is my final warning.”

  “No, you listen to me! I pretty much own this town, and you will do as I say, and…and you will tell me how I can get ahold of that fucking porn star.
You sold it to a mobster, you all hear me? The Hancocks have sold their land to a famous porn mobster who has a dozen minions, who hurt my son Jesse. You all hear me?”

  Tammy leaned in next to the old woman, and suddenly her face was in the old hag’s. “Bullies come in all sizes and sexes nowadays, lady, and you’re a bully. Bet your son is, too.”

  “And who the hell are you?”

  “No, no, no, old woman. It’s never who in these scenarios that matters; it’s always what.” Tammy picked up her phone and hit speed dial; after the second tone, someone answered in a bass voice, and Tammy started talking.

  “Hi, Goddaddy, it’s your little ray of sunshine…what? No, no, I have been good…oh. About that. Can we talk later about that? Okay, I promise…yeah, well, they started it.”

  People moved closer, straining to listen into the conversation. Tammy quickly related what she had overheard the old lady say on the phone. She listened for a moment, and reached her phone out to the mean old bag. “Hey, bitch, it’s for you!”

  The old woman first stared, flabbergasted at the young woman, and then she snapped the phone from Tammy’s hand and started to shout at the person on the other end—but that suddenly stopped. The more she listened, the paler she got. Her voice trailed off, she looked at the Caller ID on the smartphone, and then she started to sweat profusely. She nodded her head more than once, and then said, “Yes. Yessir. I see. Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir…”

  She trailed off and looked at the phone in disbelief.

  Tammy grabbed the phone back and exchanged a few more words with her godfather, then shut it off.

  The old woman cleared her throat and tried to regain some face. “That had better be him for real, or…”

  “Want me to call him back, you mean old cunt? Get the fuck out of here and remember: there’s always a bigger fish, jackass.”

  Mrs. Tulip’s eyes widened. As the woman left the building, humiliated, some of the watchers cheered and wolf-whistled, while others booed her out. No one stepped aside, so the old bag had to walk around anyone in her way. One man stood in the door way and didn’t move until the old hag said please. The only reason he moved, though, was because of another person wanted to go outside, and some guy behind him wanted to get into the store. There was some commotion when one of them hit the sidewalk; either he fell or had been pushed.