“I know,” he said. “I’m always taking you to the nicest places.”
I managed a half-smile as we walked over to the open elevator. It climbed slowly and deposited us on the fifth floor. Sam ushered me down the short hallway with his hand on the small of my back. He knocked on a door with a keypad and no doorknob. We waited for a few seconds and I looked around. There were three other identical doors on the hall, none of them were numbered, but two had welcome mats outside.
“Do people live here?”
Sam shrugged. “I’m not sure. Maybe. Or it could all be a cover.”
“That makes sense.” The small-talk was rather pathetic but I felt the need to say something. “I guess it works best if you can’t tell for sure. What’s with the door? Knobs and keys are so last year?”
Sam grinned. “This is more secure. The Feds can change the code remotely and keep track of every entry. At least when the place is active. The rest of the time it’s a crash pad.”
“Do you have the code?”
He looked up at the closed door in front of us. “Nope. I wonder where Fabian is.”
“Are we early?”
“No. I’ll find out what’s up.” He pulled out the burner cell phone and dialed. After a few seconds he mumbled a greeting and turned away from me to talk.
While I waited, I thought about all people being screwed over by the situation I’d fallen into. Me, Sam, Anna, of course. But also the messengers at Courier Express. Most were out of jobs and poor Darius had ended up dead because he’d been making the illegal drug deliveries. Hell, in some ways, even my shitty boss Mitchell was a victim. Sure, he ran the operation, but Sam had explained he was a really small – and slimy – fish in a pond of giant sharks. So much misery and damage all so a bunch of people could make money. Stupid.
Sam came back, interrupting my glum musing. “Fabian says he’s onto something and wants us to wait here for a few hours.”
“Anything about Anna?”
“Maybe. He said he couldn’t give me details, but he’s pretty sure she’s okay. I know waiting is the last thing you want to do, but…”
“It’s okay. I’m calmer now. I understand I can’t just go door to door around the city until I find her. I trust you and your friend to do what’s right.” Of course, I was still frustrated and anxious, but exhaustion was starting to set in. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten, and I really needed a nap and a shower, not necessarily in that order.
Sam eyed me suspiciously as he tapped a code into the keypad. He looked over his shoulder as the door slid aside into the wall. “Promise you won’t knock me out and run out of here?”
“I promise.”
“Good. Then come on in.”
We walked inside and I was really impressed. The loft was gorgeous. Windows that were two stories tall lined one wall, facing a courtyard below, full of lush green plants and flowers. Inside the place was done in natural woods and brushed chrome. Modern, but warm.
“Wow.”
Sam grinned. “Exactly what I was going to say.”
“Looks nice, but is it all functional? Food and water?” I glanced over at the big flatscreen on the wall. “Good cable?”
“Yup. According to Fabian, it’s ready to go.”
“Nice.” I sat down on a rich-brown leather loveseat. “I don’t know what to do first. And I feel bad.”
Sam walked over and knelt in front of me. “Carly, we’re going to find Anna. And when we do, she’s going to need you. A lot. Rested and fed. Not exhausted and weak from hunger.”
I shook my head. “You always know the right thing to say to me.”
He smiled, but it was tight, not the wide, sexy grin I’d come to adore. “Not always.”
It became even clearer to me how much my distrust had hurt him. “Sam…”
He stood up and offered his hand, but wouldn’t look me in the eye. “Why don’t we start with some food?”
“All right.”
Sam led me into the open kitchen, digging through cupboards while I checked out the contents of the refrigerator. True to what his friend Fabian had said, the place was indeed well-stocked. Instead of putting together anything that would require actual cooking, I just pulled out things we could snack on.
But before I could even try to eat anything, there was something I needed to do.
“Sam, stop for a minute. I need to tell you something.”
He turned around with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a box of cookies in the other. “What is it?”
“I’m sorry about last night. This morning, whatever.”
“I told you, it’s fine. I understand.”
“No, you don’t.”
He sighed and sank down onto one of the stool at the counter. “Carly…”
“Just listen, okay?”
“Fine.”
I bit my lower lip and started pacing the room. “I know you’ll say this isn’t the time for this conversation, but it is. I’m worried sick about Anna but she’d want me to tell you what I’m about to say.”
I couldn’t stop and look at him or I’d lose my nerve. Whether it was hunger or sleep deprivation or both, the words were practically fighting to get out of me and I wanted to let them go, finally.
“From the second I first saw you, I was hooked. Of course, I didn’t think you’d even look twice at me, but you did. So big and strong and sexy. And the way your eyes roamed my body, my face, it overwhelmed me, but in the very best way.
“I told you before, I’m not used to guys actually being interested in me. The few relationships I’ve had were gradual and less than filled with passion. And I thought that was okay. That it was all I deserved. That I should count myself lucky that anyone would stoop to be with me.”
“Jesus, that’s ridiculous. You’re amazing.”
I smiled. “Thanks, but it’s hard to believe, even though I know you mean it.”
I kept pacing, twisting my fingers together over and over to keep them busy.
“It was all the typical high school bullshit for a while. Low self-esteem. Too many years being taller and bigger than the boys I liked. But even after school it clung to me, held me back.
“And then there was Phillip. He seemed perfect. Way too good for me. Looking back, of course, I can see that’s what he wanted me to think. He wanted me to feel lucky to have him, and willing to do anything to keep him. And I was. I was the perfect girlfriend. Always did what he wanted. Wore what he liked, went where he wanted to go. My whole life was him. I barely saw Anna and my other friends. Hell, I almost got fired from Angelo’s for missing shifts because Phillip wanted to see a movie or needed me to run an errand for him.
“But none of that mattered to me. Because he’d tell me he loved me. He’d say that no matter what I looked like, he loved me. Isn’t that what I’m supposed to want? A man who thinks my looks don’t matter?”
Sam started to say something but I waved him off. “I know, I know. Now I get it. I shouldn’t be with someone who is willing to deal with how I look. I should be with someone who loves how I look.” I smiled again. “Someone like you. But that’s now. After a few years and a lot of therapy.
“At the time, I thought I’d won the lottery and I clung to him like he could keep me from drowning. But what I didn’t see – couldn’t see – is that he was the thing pulling me under. The worse I felt about myself, the more I needed him to reassure me. And then, when I was completely dependent on him emotionally, things changed. The little off-hand comments got worse. And then started happening in public. And then turned into straight insults. Or the silent treatment when I didn’t do as he wanted.
“I stopped being a person and became a piece of fabric flapping in a breeze. All I did was react to Phillip. He would scream and I would cry. He would leave and I would be lost.
“That’s when my family tried to step in, but they were too late. Every reservation I should have had came out of their mouths, and I hated them for it. So I left home and
moved in with Phillip. He had me all to himself.” I choked back a sob. “A week later was the first time he hit me. It wasn’t hard, barely hurt, didn’t even bruise.”
My hand rose to touch my cheek where that first slap had landed. “I got mad. Told him I would leave. Did all the things I was supposed to. But he cried. This perfect boy I’d been so lucky to have cried at the thought of losing me. So I stayed. Forgave and even almost forgot.
“Things were good for a while after that. And I thought I’d done the right thing. No one’s perfect and he made a mistake. I knew Phillip. I trusted and loved him. One slip-up didn’t erase all of that. Later, that was the thing that really destroyed me. I was so sure I knew him. So sure I was right to believe his lies. But,” I continued, eyes filling with tears. “Of course I was wrong.”
Sam stood up. He walked over to me and put his hands on my shoulders. “Tell me about that night.”
I shrugged. “We’d been arguing all day. The bathroom was dirty, I worked too much, my dress was too tight. A million little things. We went to a birthday party for a high school friend of mine. It was the first time I’d seen Anna in weeks. She…well, she was herself. She berated me for being a shitty friend and hissed at Phillip. Of course I pretended everything was perfect, even though I could tell she didn’t believe a word.
“By the time we left, he’d had a few beers. Not drunk, but not sober, you know?”
Sam nodded and pulled me over to the stool he’d been sitting on. He wrapped his arms around my waist and looked at me intently. “Go on.”
“So I tried to take the car keys. Just suggested it lightly. Phillip refused, of course. And at first, it seemed like he was going to let it go. But, because he was a little tipsy, he missed a turn to go back to our place. I told him how to meet back up with the right street, and he lost it. Pulled the car over and started screaming at me. All about how I didn’t respect him, treated him like a child. He called me some really cruel names and just kept yelling and yelling.
“To this day, I’m not sure what came over me. I’d gotten used to the tirades but that night I’d just had enough. I told him to fuck off and let me out of the car and that I’d walk home if he was going to act like that.
“He got really quiet then. Just stared at me for a long time before speaking again.” I closed my eyes and could see us there, in the car on that dark street. “He was so calm. Told me to apologize and he’d forgive me. I refused and he punched me. No warning or anything, just hauled off and socked me right in the face. I’d never felt anything like it.”
“Baby,” Sam said, with tears in his eyes.
“I was in shock, I guess. I just sat there in agony, tears streaming down my face. Phillip seemed kind of surprised too. I wonder if I’d done something different then, what might have happened. But it was too much. My brain and my heart couldn’t handle what he did. So I apologized. Can you believe that? He punched me in the face and I said I was sorry.
“But that didn’t work. It enraged him. The rest is a blur, still. I remember flashes of his face, twisted with hatred. Fists and nails coming at me. I screamed until I lost my voice, begged and pleaded. I curled up as small as I could, but he just kept coming. Whaling on me like he was possessed. Then there was blood in my eyes and I started to get dizzy.”
I raised my hands and covered my face, still half expecting to feel the swelling and the bruises. But all of the visible damage he’d done was gone. Only the real destruction inside me remained.
“The next thing I remember, I was in the hospital. Doctors and nurses talking to me. And then the cops and a counselor. Anna was still my emergency contact, so she came to see me. She slept there with me that night, in the hospital bed. Tiny little Anna protected me.”
“What happened to Phillip?”
“The cops arrested him the next morning at home. There was supposed to be a trial, but his parents got him out of the country. I guess the case is still pending to this day, but he’ll never come back. Never have to face what he did to me. That was really hard. I used to have nightmares of him showing up one day to kill me. But then I realized the only thing stronger than his hatred of me was his sense of self-preservation. As much as I know he’d love to murder me with his bare hands, he’d never risk getting caught and sent to prison. There wouldn’t be anyone there for him to terrorize. Around real criminals, he’s a punk.”
“Around anyone he’s a punk, Carly. A piece of garbage.”
I nodded. “I know. It took years for me to understand and start to undo the damage in my brain. To trust myself. To keep the panic at bay. To listen to my own instincts and thoughts again.”
“And all that came rushing back with me.”
“Yeah. So when I tell you I’m sorry, please know I mean it. And I hate that I struggle so much to let you take care of me. But the last time I was dependent on a man, it almost killed me. I couldn’t survive it again.”
Sam pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed my forehead. “Baby, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You’ve gone through hell and come out the other side. That’s a miracle.”
“No. It was a battle. Still is. Every single day.”
“Thank you,” he whispered, burying his face in my hair.
“For what?”
“For telling me the whole story. For taking a chance on me. For letting me love you, even though it scares you.”
I pulled back and stared at him. “You love me?”
“How could I not?”
Chapter Twenty
A million thoughts ran through my head at the same time, many of them contradictory. But in the end, one thing stuck and so I went with it and kissed him.
Sam froze for a second, his lips closed against mine. But I pressed on, insistent, and he responded, tightening his grip on my back and sliding his tongue into my mouth. The kiss deepened and heat flared inside me. Our lips and tongues and teeth communicated without words. Need and pain and desire and love. All tangled together as we shared a long, breathless, soul wrenching exchange.
“Carly,” he gasped. “I do love you.”
I looked into his dark, shining eyes and wanted to say it too. My heart swelled with emotion but those words wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t explain or apologize. I felt so much and gave so much but this was too far. Something was in the way. Tons of things were in the way. “I…”
“It’s okay. Don’t say anything. Just kiss me again.”
I did, pouring every bit of my turmoil into it, molding the negative feelings into something positive. Letting my passion for him overwhelm my fears.
When we finally broke apart again Sam’s eyes were hooded with desire and his breath came in shallow pants. “Come with me,” he ordered.
I followed him across the loft and through a doorway into a bedroom. “Sam, what about your friend?”
“Fabian will call when he has information for us. In the meantime, I need you.”
I nodded and smiled. Whatever the rest of this day might bring, being with Sam was a real miracle. Not perfect. Perfection is a lie. He was infuriating and bossy and sometimes secretive. But he loved me. Really loved me. He’d already shown his willingness to do anything to keep me safe. And, shallow as it may be, the way he looked at me drove me wild. The hunger in that dark gaze made me feel beautiful and strong and sexy. I could see the Carly he did, reflected in his eyes, and for some moments, I could believe I was her.
“Baby, you’ve got your thinking face on again.”
“Make it go away,” I whispered, pulling my t-shirt off over my head.
Sam made a noise low in his throat and grabbed me, yanking me back onto the bed. We landed in a tangle of limbs, laughing as we tried to kiss, grope, and strip at the same time. It was a silly, combative and remarkably erotic moment and I knew I’d always remember it.
Once I was naked and he was down to just his jeans, Sam stopped for a moment. He tugged my hair out of its messy bun and spread it over my shoulders. “You’re a goddess.”
I blushed and leaned over to kiss him.
“No, wait. I want to touch you.”
“Yeah, me too. That’s kind of the whole point of all this.”
Sam chuckled, but didn’t relent. He slid his hand down my cheek and over my shoulder, then down my arm to my hand. His heated gaze seared my skin as it slid over every bit of me. In a strange combination of his keen cop’s eye and lover’s looks, I could feel him noticing each inch, freckle, fold of skin and blemish.
I was embarrassed by the close attention, but also aroused. “That’s looking. When does the touching happen?”
“Make jokes all you want,” he murmured. “Earlier today I was afraid I’d never see your face again, let alone these perfect curves.” His hand danced over my raised wrist and to the hollow between my breasts. “And I plan to make the most of this chance to play.”
“Is that what you want to do, play?”
“For a start.”
“I don’t think I have the energy for one of your endless sessions, Sam.”
“That’s okay. You can just be here. I’ll do all the strenuous parts.” He looked up into my face and waggled his eyebrows.
I giggled, and then gasped as his fingers circled my nipple. The skin tightened and heat rushed through me.
“Do you like that?”
I nodded.
Sam lowered his head and took the pebbled peak into his mouth.
“Mm,” I said. “I like that even more.”
His tongue lapped at me and I closed my eyes, sinking into the sensations he was coaxing from my exhausted body.
After a while, he switched his attention to my other breast and slid one hand down between my thighs. He spread them open and grazed the dampness there.
I sighed and wrapped an arm around his back, caressing the thick muscles that slid under his skin with every motion.
When Sam’s fingers danced over my sex again, I arched my back and moaned. He chuckled and slid down my body after licking each of my nipples one last time. As his wide body settled between my legs, I was opened wide to him. Cool air washed over my thatch of soft curls and then warmth as his mouth descended.
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