A Deeper Blue

by S. E. Harmon

  I finally addressed the elephant that had been following us the entire time. “Maybe because my asshole brother showed up and destroyed our vacation.”

  “He didn’t destroy anything,” he said, looking back out at the lake. “Maybe it was for the best that we not get sucked up into a make-believe vacation. Makes it that much harder to face real life.”

  I tried not to take it personally, but his words felt like a solid punch to the gut. “And real life with me is so hard?”

  He firmed his jaw. “Don’t put words into my mouth.”

  “I’m just—” I broke off when I heard the annoyance in my own voice.

  Jesus. I stared unseeingly at the lake. Before we started dating, I could’ve counted the number of times we’d argued on one fucking hand. Now it barely took a few words, and I was ready to take it to the mat. Maybe it was because relationships were hard. Maybe it was because we were both scared and trying to figure out our changed dynamic.

  I could feel Kelly’s gaze on me, all watchful and tense, as though he were ready to defend himself. He didn’t need to. I tempered my tone and tried again. “I’m just trying to figure out what you’re saying.”

  “I’m saying your family had to know sometime, and we might as well deal with the fallout now.”

  “The fallout.” Something large—hopefully just a fish—splashed near the dock as I considered that word. As dramatic as it seemed, fallout was probably pretty accurate. “It sounds stupid now, but I think some part of me was hoping he might be okay with everything. I mean, Ivanovich and Dane surprised me. Why not Ian?”

  “That’s not stupid,” he said, brows pulled together in concern. “And things aren’t over either.”

  “So you think it’s going to get better?” I barked a humorless laugh. “Since when is your glass half-full?”

  “Not everyone has wonderful kooky parents like mine who stand behind me no matter what, or a sister who always has my back, even if she might put a Kick Me sign on it first.” He sighed. “But there are many different ways to support someone. Someone’s first reaction is not always a good look.”

  “Yeah. Maybe.”

  “Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it.”

  “We?”

  He nodded. “Of course. We’re a team, Blue. Isn’t that what you told me?” His smile turned impish. “I’m no Outlaw, but I make a pretty good teammate.”

  “I’ll say. Super Bowl status,” I teased. “And I should know.”

  Looking down at my finger made me a little contemplative, even though the ring wasn’t there. Super Bowl rings were huge—diamonds on top of diamonds, with World Champions emblazoned on the top and bottom and the Outlaws’ logo in the middle—so I never wore them. But I never forgot about them, locked away in my safe. It made me wonder if I’d ever get another. When I looked up, Kelly was smiling at me.

  “You’re going to do it,” he said. “And I’m going to be right there when you do.”

  One would think that, after so many years as best friends, I wouldn’t be surprised anymore when he read my mind and knew me so well. “I love you,” I said.

  He smiled impishly. “I like you.”

  I chuckled. “That’s okay. I know a lot of ways to make you say you love me, and most of those involve us wearing less clothing.”

  “Why, Blue, I didn’t know you were such a perv.” He waggled his eyebrows. “My evening has certainly taken a turn for the better.”

  “That it has.” I heard a buzz in our pile of stuff and rifled through it until I found my phone. I glanced at the screen to find a text from Ian. Dinner in 30. U guys nearby?

  “We better get back.”

  Kelly groaned. “Do we have to?”

  “Ian said dinner would be ready in thirty minutes. We’ve got just enough time to make it.”

  “Who is he, Julia Child? I wasn’t aware we were having formal dinners at a precise time.” Despite his grumbling, he got up with a long stretch. Then he pulled his shirt over his head and started to put on his shoes.

  As I stepped into my sneakers, I texted Ian back to let him know we’d be back soon. Another text popped up, but from Penny this time. Having fun?

  U know it.

  Details?

  U wish.

  You have no idea how much.

  I laughed, and Kelly looked at me questioningly. I shook my head. “It’s just Penny.” He smiled and went back tying his sneakers, and I texted her back quickly, even with my big thumbs in my way. Thankfully autocorrect did 90 percent of the work. Did u just feel like bothering me or is there something u want?

  Do you have any pics for me yet?

  I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t be too annoyed with her. It was part of her job. She manned all my social media outlets—Facebook, Instagram, Twitter—and handled all the correspondence with fans. She did a lot of footwork to keep people interested in my brand. The least I could do was send a few photos every now and again. As if sensing my recalcitrance, she texted me again.

  You promised a few nice vacay pics.

  I sighed and thumbed through my pictures. I had a couple of the sunset and a couple pics of Waffles that might suffice—the one of her in her seat belt would probably go over pretty well. She looked bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in her pink-checked harness… like an actual dog. No one needed to know that, two minutes after the photo, she curled up in the seat as far as her seat belt would stretch and went to sleep for the next four hours.

  I sent those and thumbed through the pics again. There were a couple of Kelly at the restaurant and at a gas station on the way up, and a couple of silly selfies he took. The corners of my mouth lifted as I looked through them. I hadn’t even known he took those. My thumb stilled on the last picture, one I took only an hour ago when he got out of the water. I stared at it for a minute, almost spellbound.

  It had taken him a ridiculously long time to clamber up onto the dock. Even though I offered to help several times, he kept waving me off, and in the end I could only watch, laughing helplessly as he lumbered up with the grace of a walrus, a walrus who’d been horribly shot. I pulled out my phone to record the atrocity, and he threatened horrible retribution.

  Finally I overrode his objections and pulled him up next to me. I took the selfie then because it seemed wrong not to capture that moment. His eyes were closed because he was laughing so hard, and water glittered like diamonds on the ends of his long lashes. The look on my face as I looked at him was warm and soft. It was an expression I’d never seen before on my own face, like everything good in my world was wrapped up in one person’s smile. That was probably more accurate than I liked to think.

  I wanted to share that picture.

  Every week Penny updated my social media with photos of my life. It was a harder job than it seemed. The photos had to be interesting enough for people to follow but generic enough so I could keep my privacy. Usually that list included pictures of my lunch, #proteinday, #mymorningsmoothie, #goodmorning, or pictures of me working out, #powerup. Those always got the most likes, and I could count on some comments about my abs or tips about how to refine my workout from people who didn’t seem to understand I had some of the best trainers in the world at my disposal.

  It all just seemed so… shallow. Fake. I wanted to share something with them that showed them a different shade of me, and I couldn’t think of a better picture than one with the person who made everything worthwhile—#real.

  I had no idea how to post something like that on my account. Hell, I wasn’t even all that sure about the password, so I forwarded the picture to Penny with instructions to post. Her reply text was swift and concise.

  U sure?

  I thought about it briefly. They could read into it whatever they wanted. I wanted to post a picture of my best friend, and it was my account, wasn’t it? I texted her back definitively.

  Yup.

  WHEN WE got back, we chucked our shoes at the front door and headed in. Kelly went to the den to feed Waffles, and I headed for
the kitchen. It was empty, but there were pots on the stove, and the oven was on. I peeked in the oven and saw bread warming and breathed a sigh of relief. Ian was clearly making an effort, and I didn’t want to insult him by missing the dinner he prepared.

  Kelly came in behind me, and I turned with a smile. “You’ll be happy to know that despite your lagging-ass ways, we made it in time.”

  “That’s good.” He smiled and gestured for me to hold out my hand. When I did, he slapped his phone in it. “In other news, have you lost your mind?”

  I looked blankly at the phone and then back at his face. “What do you mean?”

  He lifted a brow. “You serious right now?”

  I looked down at the phone again to find my Instagram page up and the picture Penny had posted. The pic made me smile all over again. I looked at the amount of likes and comments, and my eyebrows shot up. “Guess we’re trending.”

  Kelly’s voice was wry. “Something like that.”

  I glanced over at the comments, and my mouth tightened. They seemed to range from wondering who Kelly was, who he was to me, where we were, and what we were doing. I wasn’t at all surprised. It was the most personal photo I ever put up. I scrolled down and loaded more comments.

  yosodevoe Crushing it this season bro!

  touchitbaby Outlaws don’t wait for victories, we take victories

  rsmartvargas Who’s the cutie

  carlacan314 You got any extra tickets 4 Philly game? Holla @ me #GoOutlaws #hitmeup

  thatdudeb3 Good luck in Philly next week

  veerg29 You guys are cute together

  pepomintpatsy Is he single

  tomtom12 Um… you guys look cozy

  When I looked back up, Kelly’s face was wreathed in concern. “Are you sure this is okay? Did you clear this with Ari?”

  “I don’t have to clear anything with my agent. It’s my account, isn’t it?” I scowled and handed him back the phone. “I wanted to post the picture, so I did. End of story.”

  “All right, no need to bite my head off.”

  I could still feel him watching me almost warily, and I sighed. “It was an impulse decision. Okay? But I’m not sorry, and I’d post it again. They always want pictures of my life, pictures of what’s important to me? Well, now they have one. If they can’t handle it, then that’s too damn bad. Feel free to unfollow.”

  His mouth tugged into a smile. “I think I like this side of you.”

  I shrugged. “It’s a different shade of Blue. Get on board or get lost.”

  He gently nudged my shoulder. “Just don’t forget about the old one, huh? I liked him too.”

  The side door opened, and Ian came in with a gust of fresh air and pulled the sliding door behind him. Kelly started to move away, and I put a hand on his arm to still him. We were allowed to stand next to one another in my own damned house.

  Ian gave us the once-over and tightened his mouth. But he didn’t comment. He only smiled thinly. “Glad you made it back. Ready to eat?”

  TO SAY dinner was a silent affair would be a bit misleading. There was plenty of noise, but none of that noise was talking. Plenty of chewing and swallowing and forks scraping, though. We knew that Ian knew, and he knew that we knew he knew, and all that was left was to fight about it. I almost wished someone would just say something so we could get on with it.

  “So… peas,” Kelly said conversationally. And that was all it took.

  “I can’t believe this,” Ian exploded.

  “There we go,” Kelly said mildly. We both looked at him, and he shrugged. “Someone has to pull the pin on the grenade, guys.”

  “Yeah, but you’re supposed to throw it and run,” I muttered for his ears only. “Not lob it in the dinner-roll basket.”

  Even in that volatile situation, his amused expression made me want to laugh. I turned to Ian. “What can’t you believe?”

  “How long has this been going on?” Ian demanded. “And don’t you lie to me.”

  “I wasn’t planning on it,” I snapped. At his incredulous look, I realized the folly of my words. I gritted my teeth. “Anymore. I’m not planning on lying to you anymore.”

  “Are you actually fucking this… this—”

  “Careful,” I warned. “If you can’t manage to keep a civil fucking tongue in your mouth, then you can—”

  “We’re in a relationship. Yes,” Kelly broke in quickly. At the annoyed look I sent him, he shrugged. “Look, I have no idea what kind of damage two NFL players can do to a living room, and I have no desire to find out. I also have no idea of how my scrawny ass could break the two of you up, short of calling the police.”

  “There’s not going to be any fighting,” I said icily. “If he can’t be civil to you, then he and I have nothing to say to one another.”

  “You’ve never been more right about that,” Ian snarled. “I’m out.”

  “Oh no,” I said mockingly. “Can you please stay and ruin the rest of our vacation? Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

  He pushed back his chair so hard I was pretty sure he scratched a groove in the wood floor. He headed for the door, and I stood to follow, but Kelly shot out of his chair. “Blue, that’s not a good idea.”

  “It’s okay.” I looked at his worried face and dropped a kiss on his cheek. “His bark is worse than his bite.”

  He winged his brows together. “I wasn’t worried about him.”

  “My bark is worse than my bite too.” I tried to smile reassuringly, but it was more tight than anything else. “It’ll be okay. We’re brothers.”

  By the time I got outside, Ian was slinging his bag in the back of his car. He slammed the door and gave me a defiant look. Drama queen. He’d had a five-minute head start on me and one goddamned bag. It didn’t take that damn long to leave. He wanted me to follow him.

  “Ian.”

  That was pretty much all I got out before he spoke. “The media is going to have a field day with this.”

  “Probably,” I said calmly.

  “This is going to destroy everything you’ve worked for, everything you’ve accomplished, all the championships…. It’s going to be eclipsed by this. And God knows there’s not gonna be any talk of the Hall of Fame.” He looked at me angrily. “This, Blue. From now on, this is your legacy. Is that what you want?”

  “I want Kelly,” I said simply. “And everything else is negotiable.”

  “Dad is going to have actual kittens. You know that, right?”

  “I know. Just don’t… don’t tell him. Okay? I can’t handle more than one of you freaking out on me at a time.”

  He stared at me hard. “Have you told your coach yet? Ari?”

  “No. Right now only a couple people know.”

  “Do yourself a favor. Keep it that way,” he said flatly.

  “I can’t promise that.”

  “Blue.”

  “I can’t exactly live in a vacuum. You know me, Ian, and I’m not going to try and bullshit you. I’m not excited about telling everyone.” I sighed and pushed an impatient hand through my hair. “But he deserves better. He deserves more. I’m not willing to lose him because I’m comfortable with the status quo.”

  “Then I can’t promise to be in your life.”

  I swallowed. And so it begins. “You have to do what’s right for you.”

  He held my gaze so long I thought he might’ve turned to actual stone. And then he squared his jaw stubbornly. “I will.”

  As he got in his car and slammed the door, I felt a strange sense that I was losing something, maybe losing the only biological family I ever had.

  “Ian!” I thought he might drive off and pretend he didn’t hear, but he lowered his window a bit. “I love you, and you’re always going to be my brother,” I said firmly.

  He didn’t say anything for a good minute, and I stood there in silence. The ball was in his court. He finally gave me a tight nod, and I watched the window go up again and the tint obscure his face. He peeled out of the drivewa
y so fast he almost lost traction at the end.

  I stood out there for a while, staring at nothing in particular until I felt Kelly’s hand on my arm. “Are you all right?”

  I blinked down at him and took in his concerned expression. Even in the darkness, I could see the slightly red state of his eyes. He’d been crying. Crying. I stared at him, not quite certain what to say or do. I was pretty sure I’d seen every emotion from him under the sun, but in all the years we’d been together, I’d only seen him cry twice. I didn’t think he’d appreciate me noticing the number was now three.

  I cupped his cheek and kissed the tip of his red nose. I choose you. Again and again and again. “I will be.”

  CHAPTER 19

  Blue

  BY UNSPOKEN agreement we shelved the whole Ian incident and went on with our vacation. We also stayed on the property—also unspoken—just to avoid any other unknown uncontrollable variables. We spent the rest of the trip doing all those simple stupid things you did when you were in love. And why not? It was almost a relief not to worry about everything that had been plaguing us the entire season and just enjoy what brought us together in the first place.

  We walked along the lake and hiked several trails. We also had a couple of picnics where I sat down by the lake with Kelly’s head in my lap and surprised him with whatever I wanted to feed him. The entire trip was like looking at the front of the box of a jigsaw puzzle you’d been working on for a while, just to make sure you remembered the big picture. Yeah, we still fit. We still worked. And we were still working on the same picture.

  Our last day at the lake house was bittersweet. We spent a large portion of it in bed, despite all plans to the contrary. I wasn’t too concerned about it, and I ignored Kelly’s bitching as I finally let him out of bed to get dressed. I pillowed my head on my folded arms at the end of the bed and enjoyed the view as he put on khaki shorts and a wrinkled T-shirt with a faded logo I couldn’t quite make out.