by C. A. Harms
She looked up into my eyes and that familiar burn went into overload. I couldn’t stop myself as I brought my lips to hers. It was a soft, gentle kiss that brought a needy moan from her lips.
Damn if it wasn’t one of the sexiest sounds.
I wanted to hear it again so I pulled her into my lap and she straddled my waist. Without thinking twice about it I trailed my hands up into her hair and pulled her closer. She was like a sweet treat I couldn’t get enough of. I wanted more and I couldn’t stop.
I found the hem of her shirt and began to lift it up. “Is this what you want, Nat? Is this what you need?” I asked.
“Yes,” she whispered.
She rotated her hips against me and I groaned deeply. “Fuck baby,” I said. She was almost desperate.
Her shirt was off in seconds followed by her bra and shortly after my shirt fell to the floor beside hers. I rose up from the couch and wrapped my arm around her waist, lifting her with me. Her legs were secured around my waist as I walked in the direction of her room, our lips never leaving one another.
She felt so good. Like something I needed yet had no idea just how much until now.
When I opened the bedroom door I once again felt the guilt rush through me with what little she had. I must have paused for too long because I heard Natalie whisper breathlessly, “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “Nothing,” I assured her. I lowered her onto the tiny bed and brought my body over hers.
I tried to let go of the fact that the bed was so small I could hang one arm off of each side and almost touch the floor. This girl deserved so much more than this. Yet here I was, taking advantage of her while she was vulnerable.
For the first time in a long time, I felt disgusted with my actions.
Chapter Five
Natalie
I couldn’t believe I was doing this but it felt too good to stop. For one night I wanted to forget that I wasn’t enough for Adam. I wanted to pretend for a moment that we had a chance. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be with him. The first time was still a complete blur.
When I felt his body tense once again, I opened my eyes. “Adam, it’s okay,” I assured him with confidence. “I want this.”
He shook his head and began to pull away from me leaving me feeling exposed and rejected. I grabbed the small blanket from under me and held it over my chest.
“I can’t do this, Natalie. It’s not right.” He recoiled and the reality set in. I was an idiot.
Forget heartbroken, I was humiliated. How did I let it get to this point? What in the hell was I thinking? “Just leave, Adam,” I said in a whisper.
“Natalie, wait.” He tried to diffuse the situation but it was too late for that.
I stood from the bed and went out into the living room. Adam followed close behind and I opened the front door. Failure had reared its ugly head.
“Now!” He flinched as I screamed at him. “Get out!”
He bent down to grab his shirt from the floor and walked out the open front door. He turned to face me and before he could speak I slammed the door in his face and slid to the floor. I covered my mouth to muffle my sobs and let go of the overwhelming emotions of feeling rejected, alone and completely lost.
The familiar demons from my past were threatening to reappear, which I knew I couldn’t allow. That was a dark place I never wanted to revisit.
I needed the one person I knew wouldn’t judge me. Someone who knew what feeling worthless and empty felt like. I picked up my phone and dialed the number.
“Nat? Are you okay?” It was Kole answered and I tried to hold it together for fear of panicking him.
I took a deep breath. “No, I’m not. Can I talk to Lexi, please?”
“Of course, hang on.” His voice was laced with worry.
I heard a few shuffles of movement before the voice I needed to hear more than anything came through the phone.
“Hey, sweetie, do you need me to come over?” Lexi asked.
“I just need to talk,” I whispered. “Can we talk please?”
I could tell Lexi was choked up by my words. “Baby doll, we can talk ‘til the sun comes up or longer if you need to. I’m here whenever you need me, sweetie. You know that.”
I was ashamed of what I was about to say. But I knew if anyone could talk me through this, it would be Lex. “I don’t know if I can do this, Lex. I don’t know if I can be a mom.” Tears streamed down my cheeks and my heart literally ached at my confession.
“Natalie, you’re an amazing, kind, beautiful person. You have such a big heart and I know without a doubt that you’ll be a wonderful mother. Your kid is gonna love you so much. You have all of us anytime you need us and that’ll never change.” Lexi was so supportive. “Stop doubting yourself. Don’t you dare let yourself fall back to the world of hate and doubt. You have come too far to go back there and I won’t let you hide away again.”
I needed Lexi’s coaching. I needed her support because very few people knew how depressed I’d become after being assaulted. If it hadn’t been for the group sessions Lexi and I attended, I didn’t know where I’d be. Depression was a dark place and I needed to stop myself from falling back into old habits.
It was time to face reality.
I willingly slept with Adam and I got myself into this mess. I had a baby to think about now and didn’t have the choice to fall.
“Are you gonna be okay, Nat?” Lexi asked.
I took a deep breath and relaxed back onto the couch. “I don’t have any other option, Lexi. I have to move forward.”
We spent the next half hour talking until I felt calm enough to be on my own. I took a warm shower before climbing into the safety of my own bed.
His scent overwhelmed me before I could stop it. I could smell his cologne on my comforter, my sheets.
For a moment, I debated on changing the bedding but instead I curled onto my side and pulled it toward my nose. I drifted off to sleep envisioning myself wrapped in Adam’s embrace.
Pathetic I know, unhealthy I’m sure, but at this point it was pointless to fight it.
The pounding on my door woke me and I made my way down the hall, irritated at the interruption. I had been sleeping soundly.
I swung the door open and my mouth dropped open in surprise. Adam stood at my door, hanging his head and holding out a mug of steaming coffee. “I’m sorry about last night,” he whispered just before he looked up from the ground, his eyes meeting mine. He wore a sexy grin and I fought the urge to smile back.
I wouldn’t allow the guy to get under my skin because I knew my heart couldn’t take it if he crushed me in the end. “You show up with coffee at eight in the morning on a weekend and I’m supposed to forget about last night? Well, caffeine doesn’t heal a rejected soul.” I stood tall and crossed my arms over my chest.
“I never rejected you, Natalie. I was making an attempt to be the good guy. You were upset and it felt wrong. It would have been wrong to take advantage of you.”
“You, the good guy?” I scoffed. “Really? You’ve got to be kidding me.”
His smile faded and he lowered the coffee cup. “I said I was attempting, I never said I was good at it. I’m trying here. Give a guy a break.”
I stepped aside and let him in. As he walked by, I grabbed the warm cup from his hands and I heard him chuckle. “Asshole” was all I could think. Damn it, though, the coffee did smell good.
“So I was thinking I could make up for everything by taking you out for breakfast.” He wasn’t asking me, it sounded more like he was stating a fact.
I walked past him and sat down at one of the two kitchen chairs I had. “Um…”
He took the seat across from me and offered a kind smile. “Before you say no, remember I’m attempting to be a good guy.”
I waited for his face to show any signs of cockiness and when he continued to watch me, I finally gave in. “Okay, fine,” I agreed. “Breakfast.”
Then he smil
ed.
I excused myself to get dressed while Adam waited in the kitchen. I tossed on the first thing I could find and grabbed my purse from my dresser. When I entered the living room I found Adam knelt down in front of my television stand. “Um,” I said curiously, “what are you doing?”
I heard a grunt as he used his hand as a makeshift hammer. “I was trying to fix this leg. You had a book shoved under the edge to hold it up. You’re lucky the damn thing didn’t fall over.”
“It has been broken for months. It hasn’t fallen yet so…” I trailed off, not wanting to talk about it or the numerous amount of other things in this apartment I used books and other things to hold up or hold together. I made do with what I had, and I was fine with that.
“Well, it isn’t broken anymore,” he said.
When he stood up, he looked so proud of himself. I mumbled “thanks” and followed him out the front door, slightly irritated that he had chosen to take a strange interest in me.
Was I a project? Some charitable case he felt he had to take on?
His truck was parked next to my beat up Chevy and suddenly my car looked out of place. Yes, it might be rusted and an ugly shade of red, well orange, but it was my mother’s old car and I loved it for that reason alone.
When he opened the passenger door for me, I almost fainted. Well maybe not, but I was surprised. “Holy hell, you’re going all out, aren’t you? Is there a good guy manual stashed under your seat for guidance?”
Adam tried not to smile at my comment, but I saw the lift of the corner of his mouth. “Ha-ha, real funny, smartass. Get in.”
I laughed as he walked around the front of his truck and climbed in next to me. He started the truck and just before backing out, he turned his head toward me. “You know I wasn’t always an asshole, Natalie. Sometimes things happen in life that change you. Things that make you realize you have to learn to protect yourself. Not everything is black and white.” He almost looked sad as he spoke. “I didn’t wake up one day and say ‘I think I would rather live my life alone, fucking over every girl that crosses my path.’ I wasn’t always this guy.”
Before I could respond to his confession, he leaned forward and turned the radio up. It was my cue that he no longer wanted to talk about it. It seemed I wasn’t the only one in that truck fighting demons from the past.
Chapter Six
Adam
What in the hell was I doing?
Natalie had me confessing things I thought I never would and feeling like I needed to take care of her.
I hadn’t yet figured out why I felt the need to be near her. Last night I went to bed promising myself that I’d keep my distance, but when I woke up this morning, she was the first thing on my mind. It was almost automatic when I walked up to her apartment door. I just wanted to spend the day with her and make sure after last night she was okay.
“So, what sounds good to you?” I asked as I watched her scan the menu while she continued to chew on her lower lip.
She just shook her head and continued to look over the pages.
The waitress appeared and I placed my order, looking back over to Natalie. She had the cutest look of confusion on her face, or maybe it was something else. Actually, the closer I looked, she seemed pale and nervous.
“I’ll just take toast and a glass of ice water, thank you.” She handed the waitress the menu and that’s when our eyes connected. “What?” she asked with a shrug.
“Toast and water?” I arched my eyebrow. “Really?”
Natalie just nodded and looked down at her lap.
“Are you okay?” She appeared to be seconds from bolting.
She nodded again and all at once, she rose up from the table and darted to the back of the diner. And she bolted. Maybe not toward the front door, but it was all the same to me.
I stood and followed her, concern rolling through my mind. Once I reached the ladies room door I could hear her heaving over and over.
It sounded painful.
Silence set in after what felt like forever and I was just about to push open the door to check on her when I felt it give beneath my hand. I startled her and she took a step back. “Adam, um,” she looked back over her shoulder. “Sorry. I’m not feeling well.”
“Yeah I could hear that,” I assured her and she looked back in my direction. “You got the flu or something?”
She hung her head and I barely heard her whispered response. “Something like that.” She stepped past me without another word.
I followed her back to our table and took the seat across from her. By this time our drinks had been delivered along with her order of toast. I watched as she slowly sipped and nibbled on her food.
I knew I was missing something huge. I could feel it.
“I could get my food to go.” I was at a loss for what to do.
Natalie shook her head. “No. Really, I’m fine.”
I watched her closely, but she refused to look me in the eyes. It was as if she was doing all she could to avoid me.
“Here you go, sweetie.” I looked up just as the middle-aged waitress set my food down in front of me. The smell of sausage and eggs filled my senses. I was so freaking hungry.
I saw movement from the table and once again Natalie was gone before I even had a chance to speak. All I saw was the back of Natalie just before she entered the bathroom once again.
By the time she made it back to the table, my plate was pretty much empty. The fact that I barely chewed in an attempt to be done before she returned helped.
I just wanted to get her out of here, because I was sure the smell was only creating havoc on her stomach.
I looked up at her and she appeared exhausted. “Wow, Nat, maybe you should call the doctor.”
She took a deep breath. “I have an appointment on Tuesday.”
“So how long have you been sick?” I asked.
“Throwing up for about three weeks now,” she confessed.
“Fuck.” I leaned back to further our distance, remembering our kiss last night. “I hope I don’t catch that shit. I can’t afford to be sick.”
She laughed and it surprised me.
“Don’t worry, Adam. You can’t catch what I have, I promise.”
Now I was really confused. “How do you know? Is there something you aren’t telling me?”
Images of Natalie being ill with some incurable disease raced through my mind. I was surprised at how much my chest hurt from the thought.
I was definitely not prepared for her response.
“No, Adam, I’m not sick.” She looked up and met my puzzled stare. “I’m pregnant.”
My stomach felt as if it literally dropped out of my ass. “Holy fuck!” I hadn’t meant to speak the words aloud but they just fell from my lips without a second thought.
“Yeah,” she sighed.
I let the news sink in and tried to hold back my disappointment. Natalie was pregnant and I instantly felt the loss of the girl I thought just maybe could pull me back from my fucked up world. It came out before I could filter it.
I leaned back in my chair. “What the fuck is it with me and pregnant girls?”
I heard a gasp and I looked up to meet a beautiful set of emerald green eyes. The fact that they were now full of unshed tears made my chest ache. “Shit, Natalie, I’m sorry. I just mean when I met Lexi she was knocked up and now you. My luck sucks ass is all.”
“Wow.” It was all she said as she grabbed her purse from the back of her chair and stood from the table.
“The difference between me and Lexi is huge. She was pregnant by a guy who adores her and would do anything for her.” She paused and leaned in closer looking me directly in the eyes. The glare she gave me made my throat tighten. “I’m just knocked up by a guy who left me alone, naked…and didn’t even know my name.”
Natalie spun around so quickly her hair brushed against my face. I watched as her cute little ass swayed from side to side as she stormed out of the restaurant.
Damn
she was a feisty little thing.
What?
Wait a minute. Her words finally registered in my mind.
No fucking way.
I grabbed my wallet out of my back pocket and tossed two twenties down before I raced out the door after her.
“Natalie, wait!”
I hollered out for her as she walked toward the highway. This had to be a mistake. There’s no way I was the father. We used a condom, I think. Fuck, I couldn’t even remember having sex with Natalie that night. How the hell could I remember if I used a condom?
“Natalie, please wait a minute.” I reached and grabbed her elbow.
“Don’t,” she said.
Just one word came from her yet it resembled more of a growl, actually.
“We need to talk about this, Nat.” We had to figure this out.
I led her to the bench just on the other side of the bus stop by the road. She sat down and continued to fidget with her hands.
Seeing her in this state made me feel even worse.
I took a deep breath and ran my hands up through my hair, trying to control my racing heart. Once I felt like I was calm enough to speak, I tried to work through this.
“Are you sure it’s mine?” I closed my eyes tightly because that was possibly the worst thing I could have said.
Natalie slid further away from me and looked at me in disgust. “Fuck off, Adam. You may think I sleep around, but I’m not a slut. I’ve only been with two guys my entire life and you were the second.” I looked back at her hoping she was about to relieve me of the recent stress I had thrown at my feet. “You’re the only person I have been with in the last year, Adam.”
My head fell to my hands and I gripped my hair tightly in my fists.
“Don’t worry, though. I can do this on my own. I don’t need your help.”
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My stomach was in knots and my palms were sweaty. I couldn’t be someone’s father. I was too much of a fuck-up. What kind of role model could I be to any kid?
I was sure to screw this up, too.
