He rubbed his elbow and I wondered if his arthritis was acting up. He wasn't ancient, but he wasn't exactly young either. He needed to take it easy.
But that didn't mean I needed him in my business.
“I don't think it really would've made much of a difference,” I said. “She doesn't feel the same way.” I held up a hand before Father O'Toole could argue. “If she did, she wouldn't have gone out with Tanner.”
He gave me a skeptical look. “And you know this how?”
I rolled my eyes, knowing it was a juvenile gesture, but unable to stop myself. “Trust me. If you'd seen this guy, you wouldn't have to ask.”
Father rolled his eyes right back, and overly exaggerated movement of his face. “So we're back to the looks?”
I scowled and pushed myself off the counter. I walked over to the window and looked out over the driveway. She wasn't home yet, but she hadn't been gone that long. And I had to remind myself that this wasn't home for her. It was a place she was staying for a couple weeks for work. She'd be heading to her real home soon enough.
“That's not what I mean, and you know it,” I said. “This guy held onto her for four years, and then they had an amicable break-up. There aren't any deep, dark secrets in his past. He's the kind of guy Nori deserves.”
I waited a minute for him to respond, sure he would tell me that I had no way of knowing what was in Tanner's past. When he didn't, I kept going. I'd forgotten how easy it could be to talk to the father, especially when he wasn't arguing with me.
“Though why he let her go in the first place, I'll never know. If I was lucky enough to date Nori, I'd never be fine with breaking up with her. If she wanted to take a job across the country, I'd find a way to make it work. Then again, I don't know if that was why they broke up in the first place. It could've been anything, I suppose.” I ran my hand through my hair, pushing it back from my face. “Not that it matters. He's back and they're together again.”
I turned around, ready to ask the father what I should do, but the words never left my mouth. Instead, I found myself frozen, my heart stuttering in my chest. My brain refused to comprehend what I was seeing.
It only took a couple seconds for me to get moving, but it didn't change the fact that Father O'Toole was falling to the floor, his hand clutching his chest.
Chapter Five
Nori
Okay, so things were going a bit better since I'd given myself my little pep talk. I'd managed to keep my attention on Tanner, and that let me settle back into the comfort and banter that had always been us.
At some point, he'd taken my hand and I hadn't pulled it back. It wasn’t a lingering touch, more just his fingers lightly curling around mine, but I'd known that it meant something. It hadn't been the gesture of “just a friend.”
I should've backed off then, made sure that I kept things platonic until I'd decided what I truly wanted. Because I still had no idea. But, it was too easy to keep my hand in his. Too easy to remember how good it was with him, how his touch had felt on my body. The warmth of his skin, how he'd known just the right ways to turn me on. How he'd been able to coax every last drop of tension from me with an explosion of pure pleasure.
How could I be sure he couldn't still make me feel the same way.
“It's still early,” he said as the waiter came to take the check.
He hadn't let me pay for my part of the meal but had played the gentleman card again. It wasn’t until he reminded me that he used to pay for everyone the times we'd gone on group or double dates in the past that I'd reluctantly agreed.
“What do you think about topping things off with a drink?” he asked.
I considered saying no, because that would've been the smart thing to do. But then I looked at the time and realized that I didn't want to go back to the house yet. I wasn't entirely sure what I'd say to X if I ran into him tonight. I told myself that I wanted us to be friends, but I doubted that friendship extended to sharing date details. I knew if the situation had been reversed, I wouldn't have wanted to hear it from him.
“I'm guessing you don't want to get the house wine,” I said with a smile.
He winked at me. “You know me so well.”
And I did. There was something to be said for predictability. Maybe it wasn't actually being predictable though. Wasn't knowing that I could count on him more about reliability than anything else? And having a reliable person in my life was a good thing. After my brother's death, my parents had proven time and again that I couldn't rely on them. Tanner had never let me down.
Hell, we'd hardly even fought. Four years and barely a squabble.
“Not to insult the choice of alcohol here,” he said. “But I'm pretty sure I can have room service set up some champagne and strawberries before we get to the hotel.”
That right there should've been my excuse to bow out. I wasn't an idiot. Tanner might've said he'd give me time, but that hadn't meant he'd agreed to stop trying. And I knew what it'd mean if I agreed to go back to his hotel room. Not that he'd ever pressure me to sleep with him, but I knew that he'd take my acceptance as a step toward us getting back together.
I gave him a look that was only half-serious. “And this wouldn't happen to be part of a plan to get me in bed, would it?”
“Why?” he asked, his eyes dancing. “Would it work?”
I rolled my eyes as I stood. I didn't want to have sex with him, but champagne and strawberries did sound really good.
“Okay,” I agreed. “But we're not going to do anything.”
He held up his hands in the universal sign of surrender. “Not a thing.”
* * *
The champagne was excellent. Of course. Tanner might not be the kind of man who threw money around to brag, but he did like quality. The strawberries were equally as good, and the combination of alcohol and familiarity helped me relax.
“You know,” Tanner said as he settled more comfortably next to me on the loveseat. “I think this is what I've missed the most.”
I looked up at him as I took another sip of my champagne. “Taking me to a hotel and plying me with alcohol?”
He chuckled and I waited for the familiar shiver to go through me. Except it didn't.
“Talking to you. Sitting with you.” He stretched his arm behind me. “Even when we'd go for a week or two without seeing each other, I always knew this was in my future.”
I missed that too, I realized. Missed this. Being able to count on someone to unload on, or even just sit with and not have to worry about what I was going to say or going to do. I could just be myself with Tanner. I didn't have to constantly second-guess everything I did or said, didn't have to worry about coming across as inappropriate or cold. I wasn't a nurse or a caretaker here. I wasn't a daughter, and I didn't have to be responsible for anything or anyone.
I was just me.
“I know you said you needed time,” Tanner said. “And I'll respect that.” He ran his finger down my cheek, hooking my chin as he turned my face toward him. “But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to kiss you right now.”
He waited for a beat, and I knew he was giving me a chance to stop him. When I didn't, he bent his head and kissed me. It was easier than it should've been to lean into him, let my lips move with his. I closed my eyes and slid my arms around his neck. His hands moved down my back to settle at my waist. His fingers flexed against me and I felt the same power and strength I always felt with him. There was no sense of him working to hold back though. It was as if he kept himself under such control that it was less about keeping himself reined in, and more about the fact that he'd have to let himself go. Not that he ever had.
I didn't want to think about that though. I didn't want to think about anything at all.
When his tongue slipped across my bottom lip, I darted mine out to tease his. He made a sound in the back of his throat and pulled me onto his lap. Automatically, my knees went on either side of his hips and I could feel him harden underneath me. I waited to feel
the familiar clench of desire in my stomach, the flutter of anticipation.
Nothing.
It was nice, but nothing more.
Then I was on my back and he was stretched out over me, his mouth moving across my jaw and down my neck. One hand stayed on my hip, but the other was at my shoulder, sliding the strap down.
“Tanner.” My voice was less breathless than it should've been, but it didn't really surprise me. While the sensations were pleasant, there was no heat, no spark.
His teeth scraped over my collarbone and I pulled my hands around to push at his shoulders. He didn't move.
The word came to my lips before I even thought about saying it. “Ruby.”
He froze, then slowly lifted himself up so that he could look down at me.
“Nori?”
I gave him a sad smile and watched as he realized what I'd just figured out. He pushed himself onto his knees, then sat down. He held out a hand to pull me up, releasing it as soon as I was sitting.
“Guess this didn't work out the way I hoped it would,” he said.
There was a wistfulness on his face, but he didn't look like he was angry. No surprise. Tanner wasn't that kind of guy.
“I'm sorry,” I said. “I really did want to think about it. And I have missed you.”
“But it's not the same,” he said. “Between us. The reason we broke up, it didn't change for you.”
“No,” I said it as gently as I could. “You're a great friend, Tanner, but I just don't feel that way anymore again.”
He reached over and squeezed my hand. “Let me call you a cab.”
“I didn't want...” I closed my eyes as I thought about what I wanted to say. “I never meant for it to go this way.”
I opened my eyes to find him watching me.
“I know, Nori. You don't have a mean or unkind bone in your body. It's one of the things I always loved about you.” He stood and then pulled me to my feet. “It's not anyone's fault. We just don't fit like that anymore.”
I nodded as I felt tears burning my eyes. This really was it. We were done. No matter what happened between the two of us in the future, it would only be friendship. I knew he'd still be there for me if I needed him, and I would always be there for him, but I wasn't in love with him anymore. I didn't really know when that changed, but I knew for sure that it was true.
“I need to use the restroom,” I said quickly. I didn't want Tanner to see me cry. I didn't even want to cry, but I needed to take a minute to compose myself.
I didn't take long, but when I came out, Tanner was already getting off the phone.
“Taxi will be downstairs shortly,” he said. “Do you want me to walk you down?”
I shook my head. “I'll be fine.”
Tanner came over and reached out to squeeze my arm. “We're good, Nori.”
I smiled. “We are.”
I started for the door but paused when he said my name.
“Don't be afraid to go after what makes you happy.” He still looked sad, but his words were sincere. “You deserve to have what you want. Who you want.”
I looked at him for a moment and then said, “So do you.”
As I left, I wondered if he had someone in mind when he said that last statement. If he thought the reason I wasn't in love with him anymore had to do with someone specific. As if there was someone else I'd fallen for.
But he couldn't have known how I felt about X. I barely knew how I felt.
But something about the look on Tanner's face made me think that he did know, maybe even better than I did.
And he wanted me to be with the person who made me happy.
Chapter Six
Xavier
Everybody was gone now. The paramedics had asked if I wanted to go with them, but I'd declined. What was the point? I knew a dead body when I saw one. And thanks to a conversation the father and I'd had one day after my accident, I knew he had a DNR order in place for a few years now. He'd even gone so far as to get one of those DNR bracelets to make sure even paramedics would know his decision. In his mind, God would take him home when it was time. No later. No earlier.
I just never thought I'd have to honor it. Not like this anyway. I thought it'd be years in the future and after some illness, if ever. I hadn't thought it would mean I would have to stop myself from doing CPR. A selfish part of me had wanted to do it anyway, the part of me that knew I still needed him, and another part that hadn't wanted to be the one to make the fatal decision.
I called 911 while I checked for a pulse. There'd been one, but very faint and thready. He was on his way out. When the dispatcher had asked if I knew CPR, I told her about the Do Not Resuscitate order. She sent paramedics and a squad car, but it was too late by the time they arrived. The father's heart had stopped and he was gone.
I'd given the cops the father's paperwork, and they told me that they had to look into everything. I'd nodded but hadn't really paid much attention to anything. I'd been watching the paramedics wheel his body out of the house. They told me they'd be in contact if they had any questions, and then they left.
I was missing blocks of time after that. I was pretty sure I'd wandered around the house because I somehow managed to shower and put on clean clothes, as if any of that mattered. It wasn’t like the father's blood had been on me. The only blood was my own from where my skin had cracked. I didn't remember what I'd been doing when it happened, but I had enough sense to bandage myself up.
After a while, I found myself sitting on the dark second-floor landing with a bottle of alcohol in one hand and a bottle of pain meds in the other. I didn't know how long I'd been sitting there, only that the tequila was still unopened and my pill bottle was still mostly full. I hadn't taken them very often, especially when I preferred to drown my sorrows in booze. But I'd taken one now, as if it could touch more than the pain in my arm.
Now I wished I hadn't taken anything because I really wanted a drink. It wasn't a good idea to mix the two, I knew, but I was tempted. I'd thought my accident was the worst thing that'd happened to me since my mother and sister had been killed. That one would always be the worst. My accident was no longer number two though.
Doron O'Toole was the closest thing I'd ever had to a real father. He'd saved my life, given me hope and a purpose. He was the one constant in my adult life, the one person I could count on no matter what I did or where I was. He'd never given up on me, never treated me as anything less than a son. With my mom and sister gone, he was my family.
And now he was gone.
It wasn't just pain and grief I was feeling, but a loss so deep that I didn't even have the words to describe it. I loved Mom and Madison, but I'd grown used to their absence. This was still new and fresh.
I held up the pill bottle. Mostly full. They weren't the strongest narcotic out there, but they were still prescription strength. I looked over at the tequila. Definitely a bad idea to combine the two.
But the idea was appealing. I'd never down the whole bottle of pills and deliberately kill myself. Not when I knew how Father O'Toole would've felt about it. I couldn't disrespect his memory like that. But a second pill wasn't too much. Combine that with most of a bottle of alcohol, and there was a good chance I'd simply fall asleep and not wake up again. I'd never have to deal with the agony of being alone, of knowing that was all I had to look forward to.
The coroner might rule it a suicide, but it would most likely be called an accidental overdose. Neither one would be entirely accurate, but who would care that it was actually me being intentionally reckless? I wouldn't have to deal with it and since I hadn't done anything officially on purpose, I wouldn't be going against Father O'Toole's wishes.
Semantics, I know. But it was important to me.
Running a hand through my hair, I cursed under my breath. I wasn't sure why I cared about that anymore. I didn't believe in an afterlife, so it wasn't like the father would be looking down at me, disappointed. He was just gone. Whatever had made him the person he was an
hour ago didn't exist anymore. I supposed there was always the possibility that he was right, but if that was the case, I was already screwed a dozen ways from Sunday. One more wouldn't make a difference.
Shit. I needed to call his parish and tell them what happened. I scowled into the darkness. I should've been grateful that I didn't have to worry about notifying family, but I wasn't. I didn't want to have to tell anyone the news, much less some strangers who'd probably insist on giving me some spiritual mumbo-jumbo shit about how he was in a better place.
I knew there were things I had to do, arrangements I needed to make. Father O'Toole wouldn't have wanted some big elaborate wake and funeral, but I wanted to make sure that his religious beliefs were represented. I might not believe the same, but it wasn't about me. I was sure someone at his church would be able to help with that.
I'd have to figure out a way to do it without having to go public though. I would do it for the father, but if I could put it off as much as possible, I would.
I heard the front door close and wondered if I should move from where I was sitting. I didn't want to. I didn't want to move at all. Ever. I just wanted the pain to stop. Wanted to never have to think about any of this. Not the present, and certainly not the future.
“X?” Nori's voice came with the light as she flipped the switch for the lights above the stairs. “What are you doing?”
I looked up at her and wondered why she was home so early. Tanner hadn't looked like the sort of guy who'd kick a woman out of his bed, and definitely not a woman who he wanted to get back together with.
“What's wrong?” Concern filled her voice as she knelt on the landing next to me.
“Father O'Toole's dead.” The words felt thick and heavy on my tongue, as if they themselves had weight.
I watched her face as she processed the information. Watched as she went from disbelief and denial, to acceptance of the truth and the grief that came with it. She hadn't been as close to him as I was, but I knew she'd be sad that he was gone.
Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance Page 24
