He'd assured me that, as far as the doctors would tell him, my parents were stable, but I'd worked in a hospital long enough to know that someone could go from talking one moment to flatline the next as some previously unknown injury made itself known. The only reason I wasn't completely freaking out was because I knew I couldn't afford to. I had a couple hours to compartmentalize everything, address the things I knew I needed to, and pack the rest away. It wasn't even close to what I'd need to be able to make decisions about what happened back in Philadelphia, but it was enough time for me to compose myself again.
By the time the plane touched down in San Antonio just before sunrise, I'd locked up all of my feelings about X, and what happened between us. I grieved over Father O'Toole, and then put his death at the back of my mind. I cared for him but hadn't been close enough for my sorrow to impede my caring for my family.
I'd already washed my face and brushed out my hair so that, while my eyes were red, my skin blotchy, I, at least, wasn't a total mess when I walked off the plane. As promised, a town car was waiting.
What I hadn't expected was the man standing next to it. Dark hair, green eyes, and an almost-perfect face. Tanner Boswell. Talented, rich, and my ex-boyfriend.
He took two steps toward me, and that was enough for me to run the last few feet and throw myself into his arms. I pressed my face against his chest and suppressed the urge to burst into tears again. There was nothing sexual about the way he wrapped his arms around me, or even the soothing noises he made. Above all, he'd always been my friend first, and this time was no different.
We didn't stand there long, but it was enough for me to gain strength from him and be able to get into the car without any assistance. Only once he was settled in next to me did Tanner actually speak.
“The doctors still won't tell me much,” he said. “But I was able to get a few things out of them.”
Instinctively, I reached for his hand, and he wrapped his fingers around mine. There was no spark between us, only the warmth of friendship.
“Your father's already in a private room. I don't know anything about his injuries, but they did say that he's awake and responding to questions, which I'm guessing means he should be okay.”
I nodded. The chance of complications was always there, but it was encouraging so far.
“Your mom's in surgery.”
My entire body went cold, and only the increased pressure of Tanner's fingers around mine kept me listening to him.
“I managed to get a nurse to tell me that it was to set a broken bone. She wouldn't give me any other details, but said that it wasn't life-threatening.”
I nodded numbly. Okay. That wasn't great, but the doctors wouldn't have put her under for something like that unless she was stable.
“She should probably be out by the time we get back to the hospital.”
“Which hospital?” I finally thought to ask.
“The medical center,” Tanner confirmed. “I haven't heard an official report, but based on where the accident happened, and the fact that your parents were in the same car, I'm guessing your mom had been picking up your dad at a bar.”
I closed my eyes, guilt washing over me. If I'd been here, I would've picked him up and this never would've happened.
“Don't.” Tanner's voice was firm. “Don't do that.”
“Do what?” I asked without opening my eyes.
“Don't blame yourself for this. Your parents are adults,” he said. “If you'd have been here, it might be you and your father in the hospital.”
“Or I wouldn't have gotten into the accident in the first place,” I countered, opening my eyes to look at Tanner.
He shook his head. “I went to school with one of the patrolmen who was at the scene. Some guy ran a red light. Idiot was texting his girlfriend. He's the only one to blame.”
I didn't respond. We would never agree on this. No matter what Tanner said, I knew that things would've been different if I'd been here.
Neither of us spoke again until we arrived at the hospital, but Tanner kept hold of my hand, so I knew he wasn't mad. I was so grateful that he was here, and that I wasn't having to go through this alone. I was also glad I'd told him how I felt before he left so that there weren't any misunderstandings between us. I could trust him completely not to take anything the wrong way, and not to take advantage.
A part of me even wished that I still felt something more than friendship toward Tanner. It would've made things so much simpler.
When we reached the information desk, he stayed at my side while I asked for room numbers and updates. After a couple minutes, I was told that my mother was in recovery and that visiting hours hadn't yet started. Before I could say anything, Tanner stepped in and, less than fifteen minutes later, we were on our way to my father's room.
Dad was awake when we arrived, and it was all I could do not to start crying when I walked in. His face was covered with cuts and scrapes. One arm was strapped to his chest and two fingers on his other hand were in splints. The look he gave me was both embarrassed and sober.
“Hey there,” he said. His voice was rough, and I wondered if they'd pumped his stomach to get rid of the alcohol he'd consumed.
I didn't care about that at the moment though, only that he was okay. I gave him a wobbly smile and went to his side. “I'd squeeze your hand, but it doesn't look like that's a good idea.”
“Bones in my fingers are cracked.” He scowled at his hand. “And my shoulder's dislocated. Getting my pants on is going to be a bitch.”
I didn't bother to add that he probably wouldn't be able to crack a can of beer either. His words were blunted, and a quick glance at his chart told me that he'd just been given some painkillers. I was surprised he was coherent at all.
“What happened, Dad?” I asked. I knew what Tanner said, but I wanted to hear it from my father.
His account was pretty much what Tanner had guessed. Dad had gotten fall-down drunk, and the bartender actually called my mother because Dad refused to get into the cab the bartender called. Mom had gone down to the bar, picked Dad up, and they'd been on their way back to the apartment when they were hit.
“I'm done,” he said. “No more drinking. I can't lose anyone else.” The last sentence dropped off as he fell asleep.
I was too jaded and tired to be hopeful. I'd believe his sobriety when I actually saw it. Maybe the lack of mobility would help on that count.
“Do you want to see if we can get in to see your mom?” Tanner asked softly. “Or do you want to go to the cafeteria to get something to eat?”
I rubbed at my eyes. I wasn't sure I could handle any actual food right now, but I needed to get some caffeine in my system or I was going to pass out.
“Would you get me some coffee while I go see my mom?” I asked.
He nodded and we went our separate ways.
I knew the nurse on duty so getting into the recovery room wasn't difficult. I pulled up a chair and waited. I felt myself dozing, but as soon as I heard my mom make a noise, I jerked awake. Tanner was sitting next to me, two cups in his hands. He handed me one, and it was still hot, so I assumed I hadn't been out long. I took a gulp that scalded my tongue and moved closer to my mom.
“Looks like she's almost awake.” A doctor I didn't recognize approached. He was probably one of the surgeons. I hadn't seen them much when I worked here. “Are you her daughter?”
I nodded. “What are her injuries?”
He flipped through her chart. “Multiple contusions and minor lacerations. She has a couple cracked ribs, a broken left wrist, and her left leg has several breaks. That's what we needed the surgery for. We had to set the bones and put in a few screws.” He glanced at her. “She'll be in a lot of pain, and there's going to be some serious recovery time for that leg, but she should be fine. With good physical therapy, she might not even have a noticeable limp.”
My mind automatically went to Kipp...and then straight to X. I pushed thoughts of my life in Philadelph
ia to the back of my mind. I had to focus on now and here. My parents needed me.
When the doctor left, I returned to my seat. Mom was just starting to stir and I knew that meant she'd be waking up soon. Once they were ready to move her, I'd talk to someone about getting her and Dad in the same room. They'd behave themselves while they were here, and it'd make visiting a lot easier. I had no idea how long they were going to be kept. I hadn't even thought to ask. With injuries like theirs, it could be just a day or two, or much longer.
“Nori.”
Tanner saying my name pulled my thoughts back. I looked over at him.
“Is there anything you need me to do?” He reached over and gave my shoulder a squeeze. “Do you want me to call X and let him know you got here safely?”
I gave Tanner a blank look. Why would I need to let X know?
“Won't he be worried about you?”
I shrugged. “I didn't tell him I was leaving, but I don't think that'll really matter.” The words were flat. “He's got a lot to do.” I felt a twinge of guilt. X was going through so much and I just left him.
No, I reminded myself. After the way he behaved, he had no right to have expected me to stay, especially not when my family was at risk.
Tanner looked confused. “I thought the two of you...”
I shook my head. “You thought wrong.”
He leaned forward, a concerned expression on his face. “I don't know him,” he said. “But I've heard the way you talked about him, read your body language. You care about him.”
“It doesn't matter,” I said a little more sharply than I'd intended. “X doesn't know how to do anything but push people away.”
There was a moment of silence, and then Tanner spoke again. “If he lets you go, he's not half the man I thought he was.”
My heart twisted in my chest. No, I thought. It wasn't that X wasn't the man I thought he was. He was exactly that man, but only if he wanted to be.
I just wasn't enough to make him want to be that man.
Chapter Three
Xavier
Most of my life, I'd considered myself to be unflappable, the sort of person who could take anything life threw at him and not get rattled. It was one of the qualities that served me well in the army. I could be in the middle of a fire-fight and not twitch.
Yet one more thing I apparently lost in the accident. The moment I decided to go after Nori, a knot had settled in my stomach, and it had only grown in the last few hours. Before, I thought I'd known what it meant to be torn, but now I really felt it. I wanted to go after Nori. I needed to. I needed her.
But it scared the hell out of me.
I didn't want to leave the house, didn't want to go into public. And I definitely didn't want to go back to Texas.
And yet here I was, parking at the airport, and getting ready to go out into the real world. I scrubbed my palms against my jeans. I was sweating, and it wasn't just because it was July and I was wearing jeans and a hoodie. I'd purchased a ticket online and printed it, so I didn't have to go through that. I was taking only the bare necessities, so I didn't have to check a bag either.
Still, I had to get going, and the prospect of getting in a line full of people, of being scrutinized, it was making me sick.
By the time I boarded the plane, I'd already needed to go to the restroom once and throw up what little I'd managed to eat. My military ID had gotten me more private passage through security, so only a couple of people saw my scars, but the pity I'd seen on their faces was enough to confirm that I didn't want anyone else looking at me.
The best way for me to have accomplished that, however, would've been if I hadn't been heading to Texas dressed like I was going to Alaska. People on the plane looked at me, but that was one of the reasons I'd paid out the nose for a last-minute, first-class ticket rather than taking stand-by in business class. Less crowded and I could keep my face turned toward the window, essentially giving myself a bit of privacy.
It was around four hours to San Antonio, not counting all the waiting around to land. With the time difference and the first scheduled flight not having been until past noon, I'd arrive in Texas in the late afternoon. Unfortunately, that meant I'd be showing up just as the hottest part of the day was ending. If I thought it was uncomfortable now, I knew it'd be much worse when we landed.
I took some Dramamine to help me get through the flight, hoping I wouldn't have to spend the next few hours being so anxious about what I was about to do that I threw up again. The drugs didn't really allow me to sleep, but I did drift a bit, my brain getting fuzzy. I tried not to think about what was coming or what the possibilities were. I could hear people around me talking quietly, but no one disturbed me. I wasn't sure what they thought of me, but at least they left me alone.
When I stepped out into the airport, I pulled my bag over my shoulder and headed for the exit. It wasn't until I was almost there that I realized I had no idea what I was going to do next. I'd kept to the edges, trying to avoid brushing up against anyone or drawing any attention to myself, so when I reached the exit, I took the bench the furthest out of the way and sat down.
All the time I'd spent psyching myself up to come, I never actually thought past what I would do when I was surrounded by so many people. Even now, seeing the crowds heading out to catch taxis or get their rides from whoever they had coming to pick them up, I had to resist the urge to head for a restroom and hide.
“Monster! Freak!” The voices echoed in my ears.
I closed my eyes and tried to push aside the flashes of dreams that had haunted me ever since I made the decision to come back here. They weren't long or violent, but they didn't have to be. They were what I was afraid of, especially when it came to Nori. The fear that people would see the monster I always thought I was.
I took a slow breath and counted to ten. I needed to think clearly, to decide what I was going to do now. I couldn't let flashes of some dream keep me from my goal. The problem was, I didn't know how to go about doing that.
I didn't have Nori's address since I'd only seen her at the hospital, and I doubted she'd be there. No, if she'd come back to Texas this morning, she wouldn't be walking into the hospital to get her job back a few hours later.
The thought of the hospital brought back a different sort of flash. This one, a true flashback.
Pain beyond anything I'd ever felt before. Agony tearing through me. My skin on fire. Except I knew it wasn't on fire anymore, so there wasn't any way to put it out. The burning was on the inside. I was going to be consumed whole, but not before it drove me insane.
I tried to tell myself to snap out of it, that it wasn't real. It was only a memory, and a memory couldn't hurt me.
It didn't stop the rest from coming though.
I wanted to die. There was no way I could live like this, not with pain this severe. And that only made me wonder what happened to cause so much pain. I couldn't remember what happened. Just a bang and a flash and screaming. But not out loud. I was only screaming inside.
“Hey, mister, are you okay?” A young man's voice cut into my thoughts.
My head snapped up, but I managed to keep my face partially turned. Good thing too, because the kid seemed to be about sixteen or seventeen, and the way I looked probably would've scared the shit out of him.
“I'm fine.” I managed to give him a partial smile. “Just waiting for a ride.”
The kid didn't look convinced, but he nodded and walked away. That was good. I didn't feel like having a conversation about why I didn't want to have a conversation. And he pulled me out of the flashback I'd been having. It was weird, I thought, how I hadn't actually remembered any of that until now. Bits and pieces had been coming back to me over the past couple months, but not this. This was new.
I rubbed my forehead. My hangover was pretty much gone, but I still had a lingering headache. The heat and the plane ride hadn't exactly helped, but the flashback had made it even worse.
I needed to get out of here and
find Nori. It was the only thing I could think of to keep me sane. I just had to find her.
I pulled out my cell phone. I knew the hospital wouldn't give out Nori's personal information, even if she didn't work there anymore, but I remembered her saying that her mother worked at a local diner. It'd be easier to find her mom, then have her get me to Nori. Hell, for all I knew, that's where she was anyway. Did most girls go to their mother when a guy had been an asshole? I certainly hoped so, because the alternative was that she was with Tanner, and I didn't want to think that.
I couldn't remember the diner's name, but I knew I'd recognize it once I heard it. After going through the business pages, I found what I was looking for. Several minutes later, I had an address. Now, I just needed a cab.
I braced myself for the heat, stood up and stepped outside.
Damn. I'd forgotten what it felt like here. I looked down the sidewalk toward the taxis, eager to get back into air conditioning. There were still a handful of people waiting, so I took my time heading down the sidewalk. By the time I reached them, all but two had already gotten into their cabs and left.
One glanced up as I approached and I saw his eyes widen. I waited for the inevitable question, my heart beginning to race. Then, just as he was opening his mouth, recognition kicked in.
“Snyder?”
He grinned. “I thought that was you, X.” He held out his hand.
His left hand.
It was only then that I noticed the empty sleeve where his right arm used to be.
I shook his hand. “It's been a while.”
He nodded. “That it has.”
Ricky Snyder had been in basic with me, but we'd parted ways shortly afterward as he went on to work toward a career as a ranger. We hadn't been as close as Zed and I, but we'd been friends of a sort.
“You stationed down here?” Snyder asked.
Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance Page 29
