by Vi Keeland
“Leila!” I heard from behind me. I could tell by the tone in Garrett’s voice, he was furious.
“Go away and leave me alone!” I screamed, “Haven’t you hurt me enough? I have been trying to get over you so please just let me go.”
“Oh, yeah . . . It took you a real long time to get over me?” He screamed.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Oh, please don’t act so innocent. You say I deserted you, how long did it take you to start sleeping with other guys?” He yelled.
His words cut me like a razor. I tried to slap him, but he stepped back. “I’m not going to listen to your bullshit Garrett! You are the one who left. You may not have liked the decision I made, but it was my choice. You walked away and left me here to deal with everything. I hope you have had fun these last few years. Take a good look at what you have created. . . . A drunken whore.”
“You think I have been on vacation for the last four years? You betrayed me. You said we would talk about things. Instead you went behind my back. I couldn’t look at you. I was out of my mind. I needed to get away from you… From us. The only way for me to do that was to leave. So I joined the Marines. I needed time to clear my head.” He paused, considering his next words. “While I was at boot camp, I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life leaving you.”
“Oh please. Don’t give me that bullshit. You knew my phone number. You could have called me,” I yelled back. I was not backing down from this and was now enraged.
He took a step towards me and tried to take my hand. I shoved him back with all my strength.
“Leila! Please . . . Just listen to me. . .” His voice cracked. “As soon as my basic training was over, I was on the next flight home. I drove by your house, but no one was there. I called Nicole to find out where you were. She told me you were at the fair. I went to find you because I needed to see you, to hold you. You were all I thought about while I was gone. When I found you at the fair you were all over some guy. He was groping you and you were kissing him. I nearly died. I wanted to kill him for touching you. But I knew that wouldn’t bring you back to me.”
His words threw me, and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. “You were there?” I said in the faintest whisper.
That night came rushing back to me.
It was my freshman year at WSU and Amy begged me to go out on a double date with her and Bill. I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t in the mood. She pleaded her best case. “Come on, you will love Jonathan. He’s super nice and hot.” She was giving me her puppy dog eyes and pouting.
“Fine, I will go,” I huffed.
Amy squealed and jumped up and down. “We are going to have so much fun. I promise,” she said, hugging me.
Amy and I walked over to Bill and Jonathan’s dorm. They were both juniors and lived in the apartments on campus. As we entered their building, Bill was waiting for us in the lobby. He said Jonathan wasn’t ready, and we should come up for a couple of beers. I shot Amy a look. She shrugged her shoulders, gave me a cheesy grin and dragged me down the hallway by my hand.
As we entered their apartment, I immediately noticed how much more space they had than our dorm. It was like an actual apartment. Bill and Jonathan each had their own separate bedrooms. There was an actual kitchen and a cute, little living room. Since, I was only a freshman, this was the first time I had ever seen one of these apartments. The apartments on campus are only offered to the juniors and seniors. I was in awe of the size and thought to myself maybe I would enjoy on campus living if I actually had my own bedroom.
We made our way into the living room, Amy and I sat on the couch. Bill walked over and handed each of us a red Solo cup. I had never been a big drinker but who was I to spoil everyone’s fun.
I lifted the cup to my mouth and took a drink. I nearly spat it out and looked up at Bill and asked, “What the hell is this?”
He smiled at me. “It’s a Long Island Iced Tea.”
“Jesus, it’s strong,” I winced.
“Take another drink,” he replied back. “The second one always goes down easier.”
I took another drink. He was right. It went down much easier. After a few more sips, I could feel my body starting to feel warmed up and I wasn’t as tense. I felt like I had a little “glow.”
Jonathan had finally emerged from the bathroom. He walked into the living with just a towel wrapped around his waist. He stood about five feet nine inches. His torso was long and lean, and his body was perfect. He had piercing blue eyes and medium length dirty blonde hair that had a touch of a wave to it. On his left arm and shoulder, he had some sort of a tribal tattoo. I blushed a bit as he stood there.
“Oh, shit! Why didn’t you tell me you guys were here,” he said to Bill. Bill looked at him and burst out laughing.
“Dude, I figured you heard us come through the door.” Jonathan grabbed a Solo cup and headed into his bedroom.
Amy leaned over to me and whispered, “See, I told you he was hot.” I looked back at her. She had a huge smile on her face. I gave her a little smile back. I honestly was not ready to go on a date. Garrett and I had only been broken up for about three months. My heart was still shattered. I figured I would make the best of tonight. We were just going to hang out at the fair. It wasn’t an engagement or anything.
Jonathan came out of his room wearing a WSU t-shirt and a pair of jeans that fit him very well. He made his way towards me and introduced himself. “Hi, I’m Jonathan. Sorry about earlier. I don’t usually come out in a towel when company is here.”
I looked at him and giggled. “I’m Leila,” I said sheepishly.
We hung around their apartment for another twenty minutes while we finished our drinks. As we got ready to head out the door, Bill grabbed Amy’s and my cups and refilled them. “Here you go ladies, one for the road.”
By this time I was feeling pretty good and very, very relaxed. Amy links her arm through mine and raised her glass and said, “Cheers.” I smiled back at her and played along.
By the time we got to the fair, my cup was empty, and I was feeling much better about going out and having fun. The four of us walked around the fair looking at all the different attractions. We went to see the “World’s Smallest Horse” and “The Unicorn Cow.” We made our way through the Midway watching the little kids ride the rides. Their joy and laughter made me smile. It had been so long since I had laughed like that.
Jonathan pulled me closer to him. “You ok?” He asked.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I shrugged.
He grabbed my hand. “Come on, I know what will make you happy,” he dragged me down the Midway to the games. We walked up to the dart game and he pointed up to all the stuffed animals. “Pick a prize. I’ll win it for you.”
I turned to him and laughed. “No, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know I don’t have to . . . I want to. I want to make you smile. You have a beautiful smile,” he said as he gently rubbed my arm.
My body tensed, and my heart dropped. I suddenly felt guilt wash over me. I shouldn’t be here. Jonathan felt my sudden change. He took my hand. “Hey, it’s ok. We are here to have fun. You want that big, pink kitty cat?”
I felt a smile forming. He was right we were here to have a good time. Why am I beating myself up, I’m not doing anything wrong? “Yes, the big, pink kitty!” I said excitedly.
As we walked through the fair, Jonathan stopped at the beer tent and bought us some beers. The alcohol was easing my guilt, and I was really starting to let go. I turned to him and said, “Let’s go on some rides!”
He had a huge grin on his face, and we ran back to the Midway, like two little kids. We rode the roller coaster, the water ride, and went into a few fun houses. When we came off our last ride, he picked me up and spun me around. He let me down slowly, and we were face to face. I started to feel a bit light headed and flushed. I wasn’t sure if it was the buzz or the fact that I really liked him. His face slowly moved to
wards mine, and I put my lips on his and kissed him hard. He began kissing me back with just as much force. My heart was pumping, and my body was tingling. I realized my pain was gone, just like that. I had found something to wash it away. . . . Alcohol and sex.
I continued to explain to Garrett everything that had happened that night. Jonathan wasn’t my boyfriend. I had gone out on a double date with my roommate and her boyfriend. “I didn’t want to go, he meant nothing to me,” I cried softly.
“Oh, Leila, I’m…I didn’t know. I saw you there with him and it killed me inside. I thought you had moved on,” he said to me caressing my face.
“After I saw you there with him, I shut down. I felt nothing. At first I got drunk a lot but that didn’t help. I was so sick of not feeling anything. I decided to inflict pain on myself. I decided to get a tattoo. As soon as the needle hit my skin I could feel again. It was like a drug. I couldn’t stop. I would feel good for a while until the pain faded away. Then there was emptiness again. I would have to go back to get another one, just to feel something––anything,” he said with sorrow in his voice.
Thoughts were rushing through my head. I clenched my eyes shut. I was so angry at him and myself. To know he had come back for me, and I was with another guy. I felt nauseous. I began to cough and gag. I needed to get away. I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm.
“Don’t walk away from me,” he said.
I could smell alcohol on his breath. He pulled me towards him, and I shoved him with all my might. “Don’t touch me,” I cried. My chest was heaving.
I couldn’t bear to be face to face with him. I wanted to hurt him, like he had hurt me. “Why don’t you go back to your girlfriend?” I yelled. “You seemed to be having a great time hanging all over her at the wedding and the club!”
I turned my back to him, but he grabbed me again and spun me around. I went to slap him again, this time, he caught me by the wrist.
“Don’t push me away,” he said calmly.
I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “I hate you.” He flinched. Then he pushed me against the wall and I shoved him back. “I said don’t fucking touch me!” I yelled.
He came at me again, pinned my arms to the wall and kissed me. I could taste the Jack Daniels on his tongue. I tried to fight him. However he was too strong. I tried to hold my tears back but they began to roll down my cheeks.
He pulled me closer to him and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around him to try to squeeze him to let me go, but it didn’t work.
“Babe, don’t fight me,” his voice was a raspy whisper.
He kissed me again. My emotions were all over the place. I hated him but at the same time I didn’t want him to stop. I tried to push him off, but he wouldn’t budge. He kept kissing me hard. I finally gave in and kissed him back. When we came up for air, my head was spinning. His chest was heaving and he was trying to catch his breath, and I felt like I was going to faint. I closed my eyes tightly taking a deep breath. Was this really happening?
“G,” I whispered breathlessly.
He kissed me again. This time his kiss was much softer. He slowly and gently pushed his tongue into my mouth. His tongue felt so good as he lightly teased my tongue with his. I kissed him back gently caressing his tongue with mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried to bring him closer. I couldn’t get enough of him. I was frantic. My body ached for him. It had been aching for him for all these years. This is what I had been searching for. All the men I had slept with to make me feel whole couldn’t do it, only him. I kissed him again, feverishly. I couldn’t stop. I was like an addict, and he was my drug.
His hands were gripping my ass, and he slowly pulled up my skirt. He shifted his weight to hold me up and freed one of his hands and worked its way up my shirt. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and he quickly found my nipple and began rubbing it and then the other. My nipples became erect from his touch. I moaned in his ear, and I felt him shudder. I slid my hands down his chest and under his shirt. His body was rock hard. I could feel his rippling abs. I rubbed my hands all over his chest pulling him toward me as I kissed him again. I was losing control, and I didn’t care.
Slowly, I worked my hands down his body. I rubbed his cock through the outside of his jeans then unbuttoned them and pushed my hand in to find his cock. I began stroking him inside his pants. He let out a deep sigh. “Aaaah, Leila,” he moaned.
I began sucking and kissing his neck. My inner core was warm and buzzing. I could feel myself getting wet. I wanted him so badly. I took my hands and tried to pull down the front of his pants. He touched my hand and stopped me.
“Garrett, please. . . I want you. . . I need you. My body longs for you,” I said breathlessly…
I had completely forgotten everything I had discussed with Helen. I wanted him and was bound and determined to make him mine again.
He put his forehead to my forehead and breathed raggedly. I was pretty sure he was crying. “Leila, I can’t,” he said. “Not like this, you deserve better than this, better than me.”
I put my hands on his face pleading with him. “Please, I need you. . .” He slowly put me down, so I was standing on my feet again. I couldn’t believe he was turning me down.
I began to feel anger towards him. “What . . . Am I not good enough for you? You don’t want to fuck a whore is that it?” I said coldly. “I’m sure you fucked the douche of honor’s brains out the night of the wedding.” He cringed at my words.
His rejection was devastating. I wanted him so bad it hurt and when he told me no, it felt like he had just broken my heart all over again. I quickly spun around to leave. Garrett grabbed my arm again.
“Where do you think you are going?” He said calmly.
He had me pinned up against the wall. He had one arm on each side of me, blocking me from moving. He looked me dead in the eyes, brushing my cheek with his hand. “Leila, I haven’t slept with anyone since you.”
I laughed, “Oh, please! You think I am going to believe that!”
He looked shaken. “You’re the only one . . . You’ve always been the only one. I’ve dated women, but I’ve never had sex. The thought of being with anyone but you made me feel sick. You have no idea how bad I want you right now,” he whispered in my ear. “But you deserve better than me.”
My eyes had filled with tears again. They were now running down my face, and I began to sob. I felt so guilty. After we broke up, I slept with every guy I’d met, while he was celibate for four years. He was right to compare me to a whore in the bar. That’s what I am.
“Leila, please don’t cry.” He took his thumb and wiped my cheek. “It breaks my heart to see you cry. I came here to tell you that I miss you. Ever since I saw you at the wedding, I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. You consume my thoughts. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.” He was shaking. “I had convinced myself that I was over you. Then, I saw you again. You looked so beautiful. I saw you again at the Halloween party. . .” His voice began to trail. “You were dancing with that guy . . . You kissed him.” The expression on his face looked as if he was in pain. “My heart broke. It took everything in me not to run across the dance floor and beat the hell out of him. It was then I realized how empty I was without you. I need you in my life.”
I was speechless. I had longed to be in his arms again, to hear him say these words to me. I felt like I was dreaming, and if I was dreaming, I never wanted to wake up. He put his hand underneath my chin and kissed me. A kiss so gentle and soft it caused me to melt into his arms. I could taste his salty tears on my lips. He could tell me to do anything at this point, and I would do it. I was so lost without him. I needed him to stay, never to leave me again.
I put my hands on his face. His cheeks felt damp from his tears. “G, please don’t cry. We need to stop hurting each other. We were both in pain and handled it very differently. You tried to feel with tattoo needles, and I tried to feel with alcohol and men. Neither of which are healthy.”
“Come home
with me,” I whispered. “I need you to hold me tonight. Even if that is all we do, it is enough just to be in your arms.” He looked into my eyes and nodded his head. I took him by the hand, and we walked slowly back to Danny’s and headed straight to my apartment. We didn’t say a word to each other, but I didn’t need words. I had him.
Once we got into my apartment I showed him around and went into the kitchen. I needed a stiff drink. I pulled out a vodka bottle and two shot glasses. He walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me tight. I leaned my head back onto his chest and he took a deep breath. “Ah. . . . That smell. . . I’ve missed your smell,” he said in my ear.
That was all I needed to hear. I swung around and wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. He took a few steps forward and lifted me onto the kitchen counter. Our innocent kiss quickly turned passionate. My tongue jetted into his mouth. I moved to his ear and gently nibbled on it.
I reached for his pants to unbutton them. I couldn’t stop myself. There was no way I was not making love to him tonight. At first he froze, and I felt his body tense up.
“It’s ok, Baby,” I said. “Please let me.”
I felt his body slowly let go of the tension. He picked me up off the counter and carried me into my bedroom. He tentatively laid me down on the bed. He was being so gentle and cautious, treating me as if I was a virgin. He sat on the edge of the bed. I slowly began to remove his shirt.
“No,” he said as a single tear ran down his cheek.
He stopped me, “Leila, there is something I need to tell you,” his voice was shaking.
I looked up at him the expression on his face was that of embarrassment.
“What is it?”
“You remember at the wedding when you asked me if I had hurt myself?”
“Yeah, you said you pulled a muscle,” I said. “Well, that’s not exactly what happened. I was in a pretty bad accident in Afghanistan a couple of years ago.
