by H. Karhoff
“Most of them.” He nodded, fidgeting with the car keys. “I borrowed a couple from Carter.”
I scanned the stacks. There had to be at least fifty books scattered in neat piles throughout the room. I settled on the open one next to the bed, looking more at the glasses than the book itself. “Do you wear glasses?”
“Sometimes.” He nodded. “Usually just when I’m reading.”
I grabbed the arm of the black wire frames and lifted them from their resting place. “Put them on. I want to see what you look like.”
He put the keys on the dresser and took the glasses. Carefully sliding them on, he ran his fingers through his hair and looked at me. I studied his face, deciding whether I liked him better with or without them.
“What do you think?” he asked.
“You look like a really hot nerd,” I answered.
He took the glasses off and set them down on the dresser. “Thanks.”
“It was a compliment.”
“Sure, it was.”
“It was.” I chuckled, reaching across the tiny room and taking his hand. “Come here.”
He sat down next to me on the bed and sighed. Then he looked at me. I smiled and gave him a quick peck on the lips, giggling quietly.
“You’re so cute when you’re pouty,” I said. “It’s adorable.”
“I’m not pouty.”
“Yes, you are. You’ve got that whole…” I imitated the brooding expression on his face. “You should cheer up.” I tickled his stomach, but he didn’t laugh.
He shook his head. “I’m not ticklish.”
“Everybody’s ticklish. I’ve just got to find your tickle spot.”
“Are you sure you want to start this?”
“Are you sure?”
He grinned mischievously. Then he started tickling my stomach. I burst into laughter. My quest to find his tickle spot was completely halted. I flopped back on his bed and tried half-heartedly to get away from him, laughing so hard my eyes watered. He chuckled, continuing his barrage until I gave up.
“Okay, you win.” I surrendered. “You win.”
I kept laughing for a minute after he’d stopped. Looking up at him, I struggled to catch my breath between giggles. He was perched over me, held up by his outstretched arms. A triumphant smile lit up his face. It was the first time he looked happy since we’d gotten to his house. My chest heaved with every breath. Once my laughter died, the only sound in the room was my rapid breathing.
Gradually, the smile faded from his lips. Bending his elbows, he leaned down and kissed me. I smiled at him as he straightened his arms again. Then I grabbed his shirt and pulled him back down. As we kissed, he reached up my shirt and unfastened my bra. I knew I was supposed to tell him to stop, but I didn’t want him to. At that moment, I didn’t really care about morality or my reputation. I wanted him to touch me.
He shifted his weight to his left arm and raised my shirt to my armpits. I lifted my upper body from the bed, sliding my arms out of the sleeves one after the other as he pulled it over my head. It wasn’t until my bra was off that I felt self-conscious. I worried that he’d change his mind once he saw how I looked without cute tops and expensive underwire bras to mask my imperfections.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered as he ran his fingers down the length of my torso between my breasts.
From the way he looked at me, I didn’t doubt his sincerity. I’d never felt as sexy as I did at that moment. He didn’t seem to notice that I was a little chunky and my breasts weren’t exactly the same size. When I saw my reflection in his eyes, I didn’t see any of the things I hated about myself.
His lips brushed mine before he turned his attention to my neck. Shivers ran through me and my breath accelerated. I knew he was giving me a hickey, but I didn’t care. I liked the way it felt, and I wanted more. Grabbing the bottom of his shirt, I tugged at it. He leaned back, pulled it off, and tossed it on the floor. Then he returned to his position over me with a ravenous smirk.
When he unbuttoned my pants, my body tensed and I held my breath. I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anything, but I was terrified.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I nodded.
His eyes swept across my body. “You’re trembling.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Do you not want to do this?”
“I do. It’s just…”
Squinting, he studied my face. “Is this… Are you a virgin?”
I diverted my eyes to the wall. Fear of rejection caused my response to come out as a fragile squeak. “Uh-huh.”
His fingertips brushed against my forehead as he swept the hair from my eyes. “Tori, it’s okay if you’re not ready.”
I looked at him. “I’m ready.” My voice wasn’t as convincing as I wanted it to be so I added, “I want to.”
“If you’re not sure—”
“I’m sure.” I slipped my hand behind his neck and pulled him closer. “I’m ready.”
He cupped my cheek in his hand and gave me a gentle kiss. Then he looked at me. His fingers traced the line of my chin, continuing down my neck and along my collar bone. As his hand slid over my shoulder, he kissed me again.
When he moved his hips between my legs, a low moan escaped my throat, followed by another. I slid my hand down his back to the waistband of his boxers and tucked my fingers under the elastic. He kissed me with bruising intensity, grinding harder. His breath quickened as he grabbed the underside of my thigh and pulled my leg up. Fire rose in my abdomen. It spread through me until I could think of nothing else.
I turned my head so that my mouth was next to his ear and whispered, “I want you.”
A smile crept across his face as he moved down my torso. His lips brushed my skin like rose petals. When he reached my waist, he moved one side of my unbuttoned jeans aside and kissed the bare skin above the waistband of my lace panties. Arching my back, I bit my lower lip and moaned. The sensations running through me were almost too much. It felt like I had an itch that needed to be scratched before it drove me insane.
I inhaled slowly when he pulled off my pants and underwear. After he dropped them on the floor, he opened the top drawer of his dresser to retrieve a small, shiny package. He put the package between his teeth, tore it open, and spit the torn-off section on the bed beside me. Then he hurriedly kicked off his boots, jeans, and boxers.
My heart pounded inside my chest as he resumed his previous position. He kissed me as he fumbled to remove the contents of the package and put it on. Once he’d finished, he used his arms to brace himself up and looked at me.
“Are you sure about this?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Just… Go slow, okay?”
He watched my face as he pushed himself into me. My breath caught in my throat and I pressed my lips tightly together.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Mm-hmm.” I nodded.
I looked up at him. His eyes stayed fixed on mine as his pace increased to a slow, steady tempo. It hurt a little at first, but the pleasure quickly outweighed the pain and my lips spread into a dreamy smile. Satisfied that I was enjoying myself, he leaned down to kiss my neck. I wrapped my arms around him, moaning softly in his ear. I’d never felt so close to anyone. It was more than just the physical sensation of him moving inside me; I felt connected to him as if we were two halves of the same whole and the sheer pleasure running through me was really our souls rejoicing at being reunited.
Afterward, we lay next to each other on the bed. He wrapped his arm around me, gently rubbing my shoulder and smoking a cigarette. I rested my head on his chest. As I listened to the sound of his heart beating, I thought about how great it would be to stay there forever. I could have spent the rest of my life in his tiny room under that scratchy wool blanket and been happy as long as he was next to me. I never wanted to be without him.
Fourteen
The twins sat at the table with a pile of crayons and stacks of paper from the dot
matrix printer. Colt pulled the perforated strips off the side and stretched them across the table while Candy drew pictures on the strip-free pages. The one she was working on when I walked into the kitchen was a purple house. There were six multicolored stick people in front of the house and a pink animal that resembled a horse.
“What’s that?” I asked, pointing to the animal.
“It’s a pony,” she answered. “I asked Daddy if I could have one and he said maybe he’d get me one for my birthday.”
“Oh.”
“And this is our family, except the baby, because it’s still in Mommy’s tummy. I don’t know how it got there, but that’s where Daddy said it was. Did Mommy eat a baby and that’s how it got there?”
“No.” I giggled. “Mom didn’t eat a baby.”
She looked at me. “Then how did it get there?”
“That’s probably something you should ask Mom,” I said.
“Mommy, how did the baby get in your tummy?” Candy asked louder, looking across the kitchen at our mother. “Did you eat it? Or did it sneak in there while you were sleeping? That’s what Colt said happened. He said it crawled in your nose and went down to your belly.”
Mom laughed. “I don’t think I’ve heard that one before.”
“Well, how did it get in there?” Candy repeated the question.
“Sometimes when mommies and daddies love each other very much, the mommy gets a baby in her tummy.” Mom tried to explain.
“But how?” Candy raised her voice. “How does it get there?”
“You’ll find out when you’re older,” Mom replied. “For right now all you need to know is babies are made when two people love each other a lot.”
“So, I could have a baby in my tummy because I love you a lot?” Candy asked.
“It doesn’t work quite that way,” Mom answered. “You have to be married.”
“Miss Amber isn’t married and she has a baby in her tummy,” Colt said.
“Ok.” Mom sighed. “You have to be a grown up.”
“When am I going to be a grown up?” Candy continued her questions.
“When you’re bigger,” Mom replied.
“Is Tori a grown up?” Colt asked. “She’s bigger.”
“No.” Mom shook her head. “Tori is not a grown up yet.”
“Daddy says Chris is a grown up,” Colt said.
“Chris isn’t a grown up either,” Mom replied. “He’s still a kid, like you. He’s just older than you are. That’s why he’s your big brother. When the new baby comes, then you’ll be its big brother.”
“Daddy says Chris isn’t really our brother,” Candy said.
Mom placed her hands palm down on the counter. “Chris is your brother. I don’t know why your father would tell you something so—” The doorbell rang. She glanced at the kitchen door and back at Candy as if she were debating whether or not to resume what she’d been saying. Then she looked at me. “Tori, can you get the door?”
“Sure.” I nodded, happy to have an excuse to escape the room.
When I walked into the front room, Chris was already at the door. He had pulled it open just enough to see who was on the other side and stopped. “What do you want?” he asked rudely.
“Is your sister here?” I heard Devon answer.
“No,” Chris lied and closed the door.
“Don’t be a jerk, Chris.” I ran across the room and opened the door again. “Sorry, I’m here. Come on in.”
I grabbed Devon’s hand, pulling him inside. He looked at Chris as he stepped across the threshold, taking a deliberate step to widen the distance between himself and my brother. Although Chris wasn’t the most intimidating sixteen-year-old, he had a definite presence. He was a few inches taller than Devon and had broad shoulders like our father. I’d never seen him look at anyone the way he stared at my boyfriend. It was as if he was trying to burn a hole straight through him.
Mom came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel. “Tori, who was…?” She stopped the second she saw Devon. Her eyes widened and she put her hand to her chest. “Oh. Um… Hello. Are you one of Christian’s friends?”
“No,” Chris answered. “He’s not.”
“This is Devon, Mom,” I said. “My boyfriend. You met him before.”
“Oh,” she replied, not bothering to mask the disappointment in her voice. “I did?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “You don’t care if I go out, do you?”
“I uh…” She hesitated. “Where are you going?”
“Um, I don’t know,” I answered, turning to Devon. “Where are we going?”
He smiled politely at my mother. “My sister asked me to see if Tori could come over for dinner. She finally got a night off work and she wants to meet her.”
“Where does your sister live?” Mom asked.
“Over on Fifth,” Devon answered.
“Oh, so here in town?”
“Yes, Ma’am.” Devon nodded.
“And that’s the only place you’re going?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Well, I guess… I guess that would be all right,” Mom said. Then she looked at me. “You go to his sister’s and back. Nowhere else and be home by ten.”
“My curfew’s not until midnight.” I protested.
“Tonight it’s ten,” she replied.
“But, Mom.”
“I said ten. Continue to argue and it will be nine.”
“Fine.” I sighed. “I’ll be home at ten.”
I knew it was pointless to keep arguing. Putting on my coat, I rushed Devon out the door before she had the chance to change her mind about me going at all. It was obvious that she didn’t like Devon. I wasn’t sure why. She’d liked him well enough when she met him at the grocery store. The only difference was that now he didn’t look like a future investment banker. He looked like himself, which I guessed wasn’t good enough for my mom.
As I stepped off the porch, I looked around for either RJ’s car or the red one. Neither one was sitting in the street where he usually parked when he came over. Instead there was a four door white car with a “Baby on Board” sign hanging in the back passenger side window.
“My sister let me drive her car,” Devon said as we walked across the lawn. “It’s a little nicer than RJ’s and the passenger side door handle works, so that’s a plus.”
“I love the fairies.” I pointed to the decals on the rear window.
“She has a thing for fairies.”
“They’re pretty.”
He opened the passenger side door and I slid into the car. There were toys scattered across the backseat and a bag of diapers on the floor board. Along with a small, beaded dream catcher, a set of blue baby shoes hung from the rearview mirror. Reaching up, I held one in my palm. They were too adorable not to touch.
“Those were Casper’s first shoes,” Devon said as he got in the car.
“Casper?” I looked at him.
“My nephew,” he answered, turning the key in the ignition.
“They’re so tiny.” I smiled.
“I didn’t know they made shoes that small until I saw those.”
“What did you think babies wore?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged and put the car into gear. “I haven’t really been around a lot of babies. Casper’s probably the first and he’s not really a baby anymore. He turned one a couple weeks before I moved here.”
“Didn’t you see him before that?”
“I didn’t even know Lia had a kid.”
I furrowed my brow. “You didn’t know your sister had a baby?”
“I hadn’t seen her in a couple years,” he said.
“Why?”
“It’s kind of a long story. I’d rather not get into it right now.”
“Why? Are you worried I’ll say something in front of your sister?”
“No.” He shook his head.
“Then what is it?”
He retrieved the cigarettes from his pocket and p
ut one between his lips, talking around it as he answered, “I just don’t want to talk about it.” He paused to light the cigarette. “I’ve had kind of a shitty day and I don’t feel like walking down memory lane right now.”
“Why have you had a bad day?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
I didn’t understand why he was grouchy with me. As far as I knew, I hadn’t done anything to him. Sure, my brother had slammed a door in his face and my mother had been kind of rude, but I had not personally done anything.
“Did I do something wrong?” I asked.
“No,” he answered as if I were annoying him.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“You sound irritated,” I said. “If I did some—”
“Jesus H. Christ, Tori.” He exploded. “Can we not have a conversation without you turning into Nancy Fucking Drew?”
“I’m sorry,” I answered. “But you can’t just say you had a bad day and expect me not to ask about it. That’s what people do when they care about someone.”
“I told you, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You never want to talk about anything.”
“We talk all the damn time.”
“Not about anything important.”
“Excuse the hell out of me if I don’t feel like rehashing my shitty childhood every time the mood strikes you,” he growled.
“I didn’t ask you to rehash your childhood,” I said. “All I did was ask a question. I don’t understand why you’re getting so upset.”
“I’m not upset. I just think some shit should stay where the fuck it is, in the past.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t ask again.”
I turned toward the window as a tear slid down my cheek. It was the first time I’d seen his temper and it scared me. Although he didn’t say it, I worried that his bad mood had something to do with Christmas. It was the first time we’d seen each other since we had sex. I wondered if he didn’t want to be with me anymore and was too nice to say it. After all, what kind of jerk breaks up with a girl immediately after taking her virginity?
Behind me, I heard the sound of air rushing through the driver’s side window. It swirled around the car, negating any warmth coming from the heater vents. Then the radio clicked on and rock music burst from the speakers at a deafening volume. I fought the urge to cover my ears as I hugged myself to keep warm.
