Spiraling

by H. Karhoff

  I used my free hand to brush his hair out of his eyes. “What’s wrong with your head?”

  “I’ve had a headache all day.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “I know.” I sniffled. “But I’m still sorry.”

  “Come here.”

  He stood up and pulled me to my feet. Then he wrapped his arms around me. A tear slipped down my cheek as I snuggled into his embrace. It was the first time he’d shown me affection all day. After hours of feeling like I was standing on the edge of a breakdown, desperately trying to keep it together, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

  Devon gently ran his hand over my hair, kissed the top of my head, and whispered, “I love you, Baby Doll.”

  I had no idea if he meant the words or if he was just saying them to make me feel better. Right then, I didn’t care. I wanted to believe him, so I did. It wasn’t that hard. I was in love with him. I would have believed anything he told me.

  Sixteen

  The day back after break was a strange day. I met Joy at the base of her driveway and listened to her recount Sunday’s sermon. Kennedy waited until Joy’s report was almost concluded before she joined us. She smiled at me as she walked up, and I knew she’d timed her arrival intentionally.

  “Good morning.” Joy greeted her. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah,” Kennedy answered. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

  “You’re later than normal,” Joy said. “It’s almost eight.”

  “I had to wait for the dryer,” Kennedy replied. “Mom forgot to switch the clothes before she went to bed last night so I didn’t have any dry jeans to wear.”

  “You could have made sure they were dry yourself.”

  “I could have. But I didn’t.”

  “Obviously.” Joy sighed.

  Kennedy turned to me as we started walking. “I didn’t expect to see you this morning,” she said. “Why didn’t Devon pick you up?”

  “He doesn’t have a car anymore,” I said.

  “What happened to the one he’s been driving?” she asked.

  “That was RJ’s car,” I answered. “Lia kicked him out over break, so—”

  “Kicked who out?”

  “RJ.”

  “Oh.” She chuckled slightly. “I thought you were saying she kicked Devon out.”

  “No.” I shook my head and smiled.

  “So, who’s RJ?” Joy asked.

  “Lia’s boyfriend,” I answered. “Well, ex-boyfriend now. He’s worthless.”

  “Worthless?” Joy furrowed her brow.

  “He is,” I said. “He doesn’t have a job. All he does is sit around the house all day smoking pot and watching TV while Lia works two jobs. And he won’t even babysit, not that Lia would trust him. I can’t believe she put up with him for as long as she did. I wouldn’t keep a man around that acted like that.”

  “Why would she need a babysitter?” Kennedy grinned, trying not to laugh at her own cleverness. “Devon’s old enough to watch himself, isn’t he?”

  “Funny.” I scowled at her. “She has a little boy. Casper. He’s really cute. You guys should see Devon with him. It’s adorable.”

  “I’m sure it is.” Kennedy rolled her eyes.

  “What’s that about?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” she said. “It’s just… I don’t get what you see in that guy. He’s so not adorable. I mean, what is up with the whole scruffy look? Did he lose his razor, or something?”

  “I kind of like it,” I replied.

  “How do you kiss a guy with all that on his face?” She moved her hand in a circle in front of her face.

  “The same way you kiss any other guy.”

  “I like how Jay’s face is always smooth.”

  “That’s because Jason can’t grow facial hair.” I chuckled.

  “He shaves.”

  “What? His peach fuzz?”

  “Whatever. At least my boyfriend doesn’t look like a homeless biker.”

  “I don’t care what you say. I think he’s hot.”

  “I think he needs a haircut,” Joy said. “It annoys me how it’s always in his face. What is wrong with a neat crew cut or something?”

  “I like his hair the way it is,” I replied. “There’s nothing wrong with it.”

  “Joy’s right, Tori.” Kennedy pointed at Joy and nodded. “He wouldn’t look bad cleaned up, but the whole grunge look isn’t really my thing.”

  “I guess it’s a good thing he’s not your boyfriend then, huh?” I said.

  “I guess,” Kennedy replied.

  We walked the rest of the way into the school. Joy scurried off at the mouth of the side hall, convinced she would be late for class. Kennedy and I chuckled at her. As usual, Kennedy was missing something and had to search for it in the mess she called a locker. She squatted down and pulled everything out onto the floor. I tried not to step on anything as I opened Devon’s locker and put my bag inside.

  “What are you looking for, Hon’?” Jason asked as he walked up with Chad.

  “I lost my notebook,” Kennedy answered. “I didn’t take it home over break, so it should be in here.”

  “That sucks.” Chad chuckled.

  I glanced at my ex-boyfriend. He stood behind me, amused by Kennedy and Jason searching through the mess on the floor. Jason had knelt down to help her when it became apparent she wasn’t going to find it on her own.

  “Hi, Tori.” Chad looked at me. “How’ve you been?”

  “Fine,” I answered.

  “That’s good. Are you still hanging out with that stoner?”

  “I’m still with Devon, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Sorry. I couldn’t remember his name.”

  “Sure, you couldn’t.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Tori, I—”

  “Found it!” Kennedy announced.

  “That’s great,” I said, closing Devon’s locker as she and Jason got up off the floor. “I’m going to head to class. I’ll see you later.”

  Nothing eventful happened all morning. Devon didn’t show up to school, but that was hardly a surprise. I’d gotten used to him ditching classes whenever he felt like it. At first, I’d liked his disregard for convention. The longer we were together, however, the more it bothered me.

  The following day, he was back at school, but he was in a foul mood and his friends didn’t make it any better. As soon as Carter sat down at lunch, Jeremiah started picking on him. It was normal for Devon’s friends to give each other a hard time, but for whatever reason, Devon wasn’t having it that day. When Jeremiah reached across the table to take Carter’s lunch tray, the look Devon gave him made me shiver.

  “Leave him alone,” Devon said.

  “Relax, D.” Jeremiah chuckled. “I’m just messing with him. Don’t get your panties in a wad.”

  “Fuck off, Jer,” Devon retorted.

  “You fuck off.”

  “Who’s fucking off?” Jake asked, joining us in the already crowded booth.

  “D,” Jeremiah answered. “He’s being a dick.”

  “Isn’t he always?” Maimy laughed.

  Devon glared at her for a second. Then he turned to Carter and said, “I’m going to take off.”

  “Where you headed?” Carter asked.

  “I have that thing,” Devon answered.

  “You need a ride?” Carter offered.

  “Sure.” Devon nodded.

  “You’re leaving?” I asked nervously, concerned that he would leave me alone with Jake, Jeremiah, and the girls.

  “Yeah,” Devon answered. “You want me to walk you to the locker before I go?”

  “I guess.” I shrugged.

  We got up from the table. Devon put his arm around me as we walked out of the cafeteria with Carter. Lunch wasn’t over for a while, so the halls were empty aside from an occasional teacher.

  “I’ve got to go get my keys,” Carter said. “I’ll meet you out at the car.”
/>   “Be there in a few,” Devon replied.

  Devon and I walked the rest of the way to the short hall. He retrieved his jacket from his locker, sliding it on before he took a pack of cinnamon gum out of his pocket.

  “Want a piece?” He held out the pack.

  “No, thanks.” I shook my head. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “You don’t seem fine. You practically bit Jeremiah’s head off.”

  “Jeremiah’s a dick,” he said, sticking a piece of gum in his mouth.

  “Yeah, but he’s still your friend.”

  He glanced down the hall and shifted his weight. “You want to come with me?”

  “Where?” I asked.

  “I have to go to Beaumont to see my probation officer.”

  “Are you in trouble?”

  “No. I just have to check in every couple weeks.”

  “Oh.” I looked at the floor. I didn’t like talking about his probation.

  “After, we can hang out at the house for a while before I have to go to work.”

  “I can’t. My mom would kill me if she found out I skipped school.”

  “Okay. So, what about later?” He brushed his fingers across my cheek.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Maybe. I’ll have to ask my mom.”

  “I get off at six. I can stop by after that.”

  “Okay.” I looked up and nodded.

  He leaned closer, whispering, “I love you,” before he kissed me. I grabbed his jacket and rose onto my toes as I kissed him back. The sound of someone clearing their throat diverted our attention. We turned toward the end of the hall to see Mr. Frasier, the junior English teacher, staring at us.

  “PDA, Mr. Sharpe,” Mr. Frasier said.

  “Yes, sir,” Devon replied, taking a step back.

  I giggled as Mr. Frasier walked past us. The teacher shook his head, disappearing around the corner into the main hall. The second he was gone, Devon and I were in each other’s arms again, but it didn’t last long. Mr. Frasier stepped back around the corner and cleared his throat for a second time. We pulled apart quickly, smiling at him.

  “Last warning, you two,” Mr. Frasier said. “Get your hormones under control.”

  “Yes, sir,” Devon replied.

  “Yes, sir,” I echoed, giggling.

  Mr. Frasier grinned and walked back around the corner.

  Devon turned to me and smiled. “Sure you don’t want to come?”

  “I wish I could, but my mom would seriously kill me.”

  “It’s all right.” He cupped my cheek in his palm and put his forehead against mine. “I love you.”

  “I know.” I sighed. “I love you, too.”

  “Don’t pout, Baby Doll.” He chuckled. “I’ll stop by after work.”

  “You better.”

  “I will.” He smiled.

  He kissed me one more time before he left. I watched him walk away before I turned around. Reopening his locker, I sorted through my books and tried to arrange them neatly on the shelf with his. After a few minutes, people filtered in from the cafeteria. Kennedy walked up as I dug my biology book out of my bag and double-checked to make sure I had my homework. I talked to her for a few minutes, but the conversation was strained. I got the impression that she didn’t really want to speak to me, so I made up an excuse about finishing homework and went to class early.

  Seventeen

  The doorbell rang as I got the plates out of the cupboard for dinner. Mom looked up from mashing potatoes and turned toward me. “Are you expecting someone?” she asked.

  “Devon said he might come over,” I answered.

  “Devon?” She raised an eyebrow. “The boy from the other day?”

  “Yes, Mom.” I sighed.

  Setting the plates on the counter, I hurried to answer the door. When I pulled it open Devon stood on the other side. I smiled, stepping into the threshold. He shifted his weight and a smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth.

  “Did you miss me?” he asked.

  “Uh-huh.” I set my hand on his chest for balance as I raised onto my toes to kiss him.

  “Can you go out?”

  “Sure. I just need to tell my mom.” I turned around, surprised to see my mother only a few feet behind me. “Oh. Hi, Mom. Devon and I are going to go out for a while. I’ll be back by ten. Is that okay?”

  “No.” Mom shook her head.

  “But I already did all my homework,” I said. “And I’ll do my chores when I get home. I promise.”

  “This isn’t up for debate,” Mom replied. “If you’d like to ask your friend to stay for dinner, that would be fine, but you aren’t going out tonight. You have school in the morning.”

  “But, Mom—”

  “You heard me,” she said.

  I turned back to Devon. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

  “If you want me to,” he answered. “If not, I can go.”

  “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you to,” I retorted without meaning to.

  He hesitated before he stepped inside. I waited until he’d wiped his boots on the rug and stood to the side before I closed the door behind him.

  “How are you this evening, Devon?” Mom asked.

  Her fake courtesy annoyed me. She hadn’t had a good word to say about Devon since she met him. According to her, he was a waste of my time and would never amount to anything.

  “I’m fine, ma’am,” Devon answered. “And yourself?”

  “Good,” Mom replied.

  “You can hang up your jacket over there,” I said, pointing to the coat tree.

  Devon pulled off his leather jacket and hung it next to mine. Underneath he wore a t-shirt with the hardware store’s logo on it over a black thermal shirt. The bright construction cone orange was a drastic change from the various shades of black and gray that made up his usual wardrobe.

  “Bronson’s Hardware?” Mom raised an eyebrow. “I thought Tori said you worked at Lancaster’s.”

  “I do,” Devon said.

  “Aren’t you in high school?” Mom asked.

  “Yeah.” Devon nodded.

  Mom furrowed her brow. “And you have two jobs?”

  “Yes, Ma’am. It’s just temporary, though. Until I work out my notice at Lancaster’s.”

  “That’s very responsible of you,” Mom said. She started to say something else, but the oven timer interrupted her. Turning toward me, she waved toward the kitchen. “Tori, could you get dinner, please?”

  “Sure,” I answered.

  “Do you need any help?” Devon offered.

  “That’d be great,” I replied.

  Mom watched us as we walked around her into the kitchen. I knew she’d told me to get dinner so that she could interrogate Devon without me around. She’d been asking questions about him and I hadn’t known all the answers. Even though we’d been going out over a month, there were a lot of things I didn’t know about him. For my mom that meant Devon was secretive and untrustworthy. In reality, I just hadn’t thought to ask a lot of things she wanted to know.

  “I can get that.” Devon grabbed the potholders as I opened the oven.

  “That’s okay.” I chuckled. “After what happened the other night, you should probably just stay away from ovens.” I took the potholders, pulled the meatloaf out of the oven, and set the pan on the top of the stove. “Or anything else that’s hot.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t stand so close to you then.” He smirked.

  “Maybe you shouldn’t.” I smiled, closing the oven door.

  Without warning, he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. “I think I’ll take my chances.”

  “Victoria Ann!” Mom shouted.

  Devon let me go and we both turned toward the kitchen door. Mom stood in the opening with her arms folded across her chest, tapping her foot on the tile floor and scowling at us. Devon stepped back and ran his fingers through his hair. Then he looked at me, knit his brow, and mou
thed, “Victoria?”

  “Did you want me to do anything else with the potatoes?” I asked in an attempt to distract both Devon and my mother.

  “No,” Mom said bluntly. “Why don’t you go get your brother for dinner?”

  “Ok.” I nodded.

  Mom turned to Devon as I walked out of the kitchen. As she started talking, I felt my heart drop. Aside from the things I didn’t know, I’d lied to her about some things I didn’t think she’d like. If she asked Devon about them, I wasn’t sure how he’d respond. Once I was clear of the kitchen door, I ran upstairs and knocked on my brother’s door frantically.

  “Go away, Twerp,” he yelled over the radio.

  “Dinner’s done,” I hollered back.

  “I’ll get something later.”

  “You might as well come down. James isn’t here.”

  The music stopped and he opened the door. “Where is he?”

  “Mom said he had to work late or something.”

  “Meatloaf?”

  “It’s Tuesday, isn’t it? Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans.”

  His lip curled in disgust. “Mom didn’t try to cook again, did she?”

  “She mashed the potatoes,” I said. “But she didn’t touch the meatloaf.”

  “Good.” He stepped out of his room. “I don’t know what she made last week, but it wasn’t meatloaf. It was like trying to eat a block of wood with ketchup on it. Maybe that’s why we always went out to eat before Dad left.”

  “We didn’t always go out.” I chuckled. “Sometimes we had delivery.”

  We laughed as we walked down the stairs. I waited until we were almost all the way down before I told him Devon was there. He wasn’t happy with the news. I didn’t know what had caused the animosity between them, but when we walked into the kitchen, Chris didn’t even try to hide his disdain. He shot Devon a dirty look. Then he pulled out a chair and plopped down roughly.

  Devon stood at the end of the bar, watching my brother. Then he reached into the pocket where he kept his cigarettes. When I saw the top of the box, I rushed over and put my hand on his arm.

  “Uh-uh,” I whispered, shaking my head and glancing toward my mom.

  He took a deep breath and shifted his weight. There might have been a lot of things I didn’t know about him, but I knew when he was agitated. I stared at him for a second, tempted to ask him what my mother had said. She had a bad habit of thinking everyone wanted to hear her opinion.