by Luna, David
“It matters! What. Do. You. Know?”
Finn shook his head now. “I can’t…”
He stood so swiftly, the chair he’d been sitting on skittered back and nearly tipped over. “You can’t what? So help me god, Finnegan! Tell me what you know about my boy!”
“I can’t talk to you about it and I honestly don’t know any details. I saw him, Gideon.”
“Where?”
“I can’t tell you anything more. One, because he asked me not to, and two because. I. CAN’T. Tell. You.”
Sick dread made the dinner he’d consumed feel like lead in his stomach. If he couldn’t, not wouldn’t, but couldn’t tell him, there was only one place he could have seen him. He shook his head in denial.
“Just please, remember how he looked the last time you saw him.”
He did, and the more he did the sicker he felt.
Braden’s near whisper grabbed his attention. “He didn’t look well on New Year’s Eve. I didn’t say anything because I could tell he was trying really hard to look and act like he was fine. He’s been avoiding me since that night. Won’t answer his phone. Texted once and then finally just called and said he needed time and would call me when he was feeling up to it.”
Gideon was dizzy with panic, gripping the back of his chair with one hand, he reached his other out and it ended up tipping his plate off center and spilling some of his food onto the table. If Finn had seen him, presumably at the hospital, how sick was he? Why hadn’t Sebastian told him? Why… But he knew why, didn’t he? Self-loathing hit him at lightning speed. God what kind of monster was he?
The worst fucking kind.
His boy had needed him and what had he been doing? He regained his balance, ignored the outstretched hands on either side of him that tried to help him, and stepped back, out of Finn’s and his father’s reach, and stood there for several moments, focused straight ahead of him, his family’s words a muffled din in the background. All he could think about was getting to Sebastian.
He was on the front porch, unable to even remember getting there, when he felt a heavy hand clamp onto his shoulder. His instincts kicked in and before he could stop himself, he turned, and dislodged the unwanted hindrance and ended up glaring into Finn’s eyes. His lips moved but Gideon couldn’t hear above the chaos in his head. His brother finally clasped both hands on either side of his face and shouted his name, which brought him back around.
“Gideon, you can’t drive like this. Wherever you’re going, I’ll take you.”
He realized Finn was right and tossed his keys at his brother as he slid into the passenger side of his Rover. He told Finn where to go and then sat in silence and tried desperately to gain some semblance of control. His mind was moving a hundred miles a minute. The only thing keeping him from completely losing it was his own self-defense mechanism of shutting down all of the myriad possibilities that would send him into that mental tailspin.
“Fuck, Gideon. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Oh, hell yes you should have. We were together, we’d signed a contract. He damned well should have told me.”
“BDSM contracts stipulate that kind of thing?”
“Yes. It calls out medical issues that would impact or be affected by any play outlined in the contract. Fuck, Finn. I didn’t think I was good enough for him and it didn’t matter that I was in love with him. Nothing would convince me to give us a try outside of our six-month contract. I was looking for excuses to end it, so that I wouldn’t hurt either one of us further by allowing it to continue. I’m a monster and a coward.”
Finn pulled up to a stoplight and looked over at him. “You’re neither. You can fix this.”
“I don’t know if I can. I devastated him.”
“So you’ll just have to try harder and not take no for an answer. You do what you have to do for forgiveness.”
“God, why didn’t I see it? How fucking selfish am I? Why didn’t I ask more questions? The last month, he was never interested in food, and he was losing weight! He knew something from the beginning. I don’t know how I know, I just do. From the beginning, he said he wasn’t made for relationships. I thought, how perfect, neither am I. Jesus Christ.”
“Look, let’s not borrow trouble. It could be anything from the flu to heart surgery. Thinking the worst now isn’t helping.”
He felt more and more guilt weigh him down the more he thought back on their time together. There had been signs. “From the beginning he said he had a very demanding schedule and he would have to let me know if his availability changed, but maybe he was just too sick, or seeing specialists. I went along with it, because in my mind, that would make it easier to keep my emotions out of the picture. God, I’m an asshole.”
“Gideon, you need to stop castigating yourself for not knowing he was sick. He obviously didn’t want you to know and took some painstaking precautions to ensure you remained in the dark. Let’s just wait until we see him.”
They drove in silence the rest of the way. Gideon pointed out the yellowish green row house where Sebastian lived and had him pull in front, just behind Sebastian’s beater. He sat and stared in disbelief at the huge for sale sign outside of his house that had a “SOLD” sticker slapped over it.
His hands shook when he opened the car door. Jesus, was he even here? If not here, where? He’d have to have Zavier track him down. He’d have to… Fuck. He was just about to slam the door when he remembered Finn and said absentmindedly, “You can take the Rover. I’ll call a car service.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll let you go in and have some time with him, but if you need me, I can come in and check on him or you can text me that you’ll be staying and you don’t need me. I can entertain myself in the car with my phone for a while, to be sure you don’t need anything, before I take off. But, Gideon, don’t go into attack mode. He may have kept secrets, but in the end he was probably protecting you, rather than him. Keep that in mind when you talk to him.”
Gideon nodded and headed up the stairs to Sebastian’s front door. He pulled out his key and unlocked the door, hopeful that meant Sebastian was still there. There were boxes everywhere and he wasn’t sure his boy was home until he saw Slap and Tickle using the moving boxes as scratching posts. They headed his way when he crouched down. He petted them both and then stood when he heard voices and headed in the direction of the back of the house.
The front room facing the street was dim, only a table lamp turned on to fend off the oncoming darkness. The voices were clearer now, as he headed through the dining nook that housed a round table piled with paperwork, towards the kitchen. “I can open up my own goddamned can of soup, Zoe. It’s even got a pop top. Stop hovering. We need to talk about this. You can’t keep ignoring me every time I bring it up.”
Gideon paused just outside of the kitchen and out of view of its occupants. He did his best to settle his racing heart at not only hearing Sebastian’s voice, a voice he’d missed so much and hadn’t even realized it until that moment, but also the utter weariness that was obvious in his words. His thoughts were interrupted by Zoe’s response. “I’m not discussing it, Sebastian. I’ll worry about it if the time comes.”
“If the time comes, I won’t be here. That’s why we need to talk about this now. I just want to make sure you’ll take care of them and that you have my lawyer’s number.”
Gideon’s breath hitched at that, knowing what Sebastian was saying, even though he didn’t say the words. Zoe’s response was soft when she replied, “We don’t need to make any sort of plan, Sebastian. You’ll be fine. Let’s not jinx it, okay?”
“Zoe, I know it’s hard, but we have to be practical.”
“I’m not discussing this. I’m gonna go change my clothes. I came over straight away and I smell like coffee and croissants. I worked it out to get some time off, so I’ll be here to help.”
“You did what? Why would you do that?”
“It’s just a few weeks and you’re gonna need help
after the surgery. Maya and Braden were cool with it. Gave me a couple weeks off, more if I need it, and they have someone to take the hours, so it won’t impact them.”
Surgery? Fuck.
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
“Regardless, it’s done. I’ll be back in a few.” She headed out of the kitchen just as Gideon heard the microwave turn on, which stifled the gasp Zoe let out when she saw him. Her hand flew up to her racing heart as she gazed at him, wide-eyed. Tears pooled in her eyes and she launched herself at him. Her hug was unexpected, but he returned it, nonetheless, and gripped her tighter when she whispered, “I’m so angry at you right now. But, don’t let him push you away. He needs you.”
He nodded as she walked off, presumably to go change. He heard the microwave ding and waited several seconds to avoid any accidents. When he heard the bowl touch down on the countertop, he walked in to see Sebastian get gingerly onto the counter stool at the kitchen’s small island.
God, it had only been two weeks, and he’d obviously not really noticed on New Year’s so he guessed it was more like three and a half weeks. The time had ravaged his boy’s body and sapped his strength. He must have made some noise because Sebastian looked up with startled eyes and made to straighten his body and appear stronger, more whole. Gideon couldn’t help it, he growled out, “Don’t. Don’t fucking pretend with me. Not after all this time.”
Sebastian’s shoulders slumped and he stared down into his bowl of soup and muttered, “When did you find out? How did you find out? Zoe?”
“Less than an hour ago, and no, Finn asked me how you were feeling. You just mentioned surgery. Did you have it already?” Gideon pointed to Sebastian’s face.
Sebastian’s face heated and shook his head, turning away to hide it from him. “No, this is just a laser treatment. It’s nothing.”
Gideon approached him and turned Sebastian on his stool. “Don’t hide from me, boy. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re beautiful—” Gideon stopped in shock when Sebastian raised his eyes to meet his. “Jesus, your eyes! What—”
He’d never seen anything so beautiful. He had one amber colored eye and one azure blue. He’d only ever seen him with two amber colored eyes, and they were gorgeous, but this. Why? When his boy looked away and tried to turn his face again, he clasped it gently. “Don’t. I’m sorry. It just shocked me, that’s all.”
“I wear a colored contact to hide it.”
“Why would you hide it? Your eyes are gorgeous. How many people can say they have different colored eyes? That’s amazing.”
When Sebastian shook his head and looked away again, he mumbled, “It’s just one more thing to make me different. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.”
“It matters. Everything matters, Sebastian. You’re sick and I don’t even know what’s wrong. I thought you just had some kind of flu bug or mono or something.”
Bastian sighed, lowered his head into his hands and rubbed them through his hair, his exhaustion evident. “What do you want me to say, Gideon?”
“How about you just tell me why you didn’t think that sharing the fact that you’re really sick was an important thing to do!”
Sebastian rubbed at his temples and sighed. “That’s not how our arrangement worked.”
Gideon’s back went up and he stood taller, his voice deepened to that pitch that had Sebastian’s eyes lowering and his hands moving to in his lap, palms up. “Arrangement?!”
“Yes, Sir.”
“You think of our relationship as an arrangement?”
Confusion passed across Sebastian’s features, his eyebrows winging up in question. “Yes, Sir?”
“So, I’ve been operating under the assumption that we had been in a committed, D/s relationship? Admittedly it was to be short term, but you thought of it as an arrangement?”
“We had a contract. We never deviated from it. When I pushed those boundaries, you were always quick to keep us on course. So yes, I thought of it as an arrangement, Sir.”
“Fucking hell, Sebastian.”
“I’m sorry, Sir.”
“Jesus fuck, boy, stop calling me Sir. We’re not in a scene.”
“You’re using that voice. It’s a reflex, Sir.”
Gideon made his way to stand beside his boy. He sighed, relaxed his shoulders and calmed his tone. “You’re right, I’m sorry, Bastian. I’m feeling out of my element right now. I’m worried about you.”
Sebastian looked up into his eyes, a look of disbelief replacing the fatigue for a moment, which caused Gideon to close his eyes in self-disgust. “Was I so horrible to you, so heartless, that you can’t fathom an apology?”
“Heartless? No, never that. You were always good to me. It was just a surprise, that’s all.”
“Seems like I’m going to be doing a lot of apologizing then. I’m sorry that I was so closed off. I’ll work on that.”
Again, confusion clouded Sebastian’s eyes. “Gideon, I appreciate you stopping by, but I guess I’m a little confused as to why you’re here. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was sick, but now that you know, I don’t know what else there is for us to discuss.”
Confused himself, Gideon responded, “I’m here for a lot of reasons. But most of all, right now, I’m here to help. Where are your parents?”
Sebastian seemed speechless by this line of questioning and there were several drawn-out seconds before he asked, “Where are my parents, right now?”
“Yes.”
He shook his head and looked at the clock on the wall. “Well, it’s past dinner time for them, so they’re probably sitting in their living room. My mom is either doing needlepoint or reading the Bible, and my dad is in his recliner watching one of his Gospel programs.”
“At their home?”
“Yes?”
“I thought you said they live in San Diego.”
“They do.”
“So, they’re coming up for your surgery?”
“No. They won’t be coming up for anything. I told you, we don’t get along.”
“What are you talking about, Sebastian? Who’s been taking care of you?”
“I’ve done just fine taking care of myself.”
Gideon lost all color and felt sick to his stomach and remembered Braden telling him he’d spent the holidays alone. How had he forgotten that? “You’ve done just fine? You had no one? What about Zoe?”
Just as Gideon had lost all color, heat infused Sebastian’s face as he admitted, “I told her about three weeks ago. I had to visit the hospital unexpectedly. I had to call her to take care of Slap and Tickle.”
“That week I couldn’t see you, because you were sick? Wait. Unexpectedly, as in via ambulance?”
Sebastian’s face grew even more red and he looked down at his now cold soup. “Yes, Sir.”
Gideon blew out a breath. He couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. He brought his hands up behind his head, took another deep breath and turned away from Sebastian. He’d been through a lot in his life. He’d been shot, he’d been attacked, tortured, chased, hunted and he’d lost men that were like brothers to him; but he couldn’t ever remember feeling this much anguish, this much devastation, and that was saying something.
He’d been off doing fuck all, while his boy was sick, in pain, and hospitalized. God, he was never going to forgive himself. What kind of man did that? He shook his head knowing going down that road wouldn’t help here. This wasn’t about him. He wasn’t the one that mattered right now, so he sucked it up, and set it aside, to deal with later, and turned back towards Sebastian, who looked nearly as devastated as he was. He softened his expression and asked, “Okay, so when is your surgery?”
Sebastian shifted his eyes up to Gideon’s chest and whispered, “A little over a week.”
“Okay, so do you have a bunch of appointments beforehand, with your doctors this week, for whatever’s going on?”
“No. I’m moving.”
“Why did you sell your house?”
/> Sebastian just shook his head and looked down again. “It doesn’t really matter. I have to be packed and out of here soon.”
Gideon wanted to push on that but figured he’d come back to it later. “Will they have everything packed in time?”
“I should have everything packed for them on Wednesday.”
“You?”
“Yes, Sir. I don’t have that much left to pack.”
Gideon knew his face registered his shock. “You’ve done all the packing?”
“Well, Zoe has helped. She did most of the kitchen and a few other things.”
“But, you’re sick. You should be resting. You’ve packed the rest of your house by yourself?”
“Well, it’s not quite done, like I said, but almost. I’ve been on medical leave for a few weeks, so I’ve used that time to get it sold and packed up.”
Gideon rubbed his hands over his face, at a loss. “Jesus, boy.”
“Sir?”
Dazed he met Sebastian’s eyes. “Yeah?”
“You did the right thing.”
Gideon, afraid he knew what Sebastian meant, shook his head. “No.”
Sebastian continued, undaunted. “You did what was best for us. I was planning on doing it myself. We always knew this wasn’t going to last. Neither of us are made for long term.”
“Sebastian, I was a coward and an asshole.”
Gideon’s heart wrenched when he saw such resigned sadness in Sebastian’s eyes. His boy gave a little chuckle though and said, “Well, I admit, you could have been a little gentler. But, in the end—”
“Don’t. Don’t say it.”
“You did what I couldn’t do. You stepped up and did what was right.”
“I don’t agree.”
Sebastian stood, gripping the edge of the island to steady himself. Gideon moved forward to help, but Sebastian pulled back from him raising his hand up to stop him from getting closer, breaking his heart. “Be that as it may, that’s how I see it. I think you’ve got a misplaced sense of guilt, but there’s really no need.” He walked towards Gideon and ran a gentle hand down his arm. “We’re right where we were meant to be. Truly. Now, I’m getting a little tired, so you’ll have to excuse me. I’m going to go rest.”
