A Beginner's Guide To Salad

by Jennifer Joyce

  ‘Dad will be waiting up. Sorry.’ She gave Billy another chaste peck before heading for the door. ‘It was nice to meet you properly, Ruth.’

  ‘Yes, you too.’ Ruth was already halfway up the stairs as Clare wandered into the hallway. Billy would be pretty pissed off by the time he’d closed the front door and she wanted a head start.

  ‘Phone me tomorrow, yeah?’ Clare pecked Billy on the cheek and then she was gone, leaving her coffee cold and Billy colder, his dry spell still reigning.

  EIGHT

  Ruth

  Billy was pissed off with me. He tried to hide it but the slamming of doors and the inability to be in the same room as me were dead giveaways. Not that I could blame Billy for being annoyed after I ruined his chances of getting laid. I didn’t think he’d had sex in a long, long time, possibly since he broke up with Louise. Wow. Nearly two years ago. I was surprised Billy wasn’t hurling furniture at me.

  Still, being in Billy’s bad books wasn’t enough to dampen my mood. I skipped out to work that morning, early Spice Girls blasting in my ears, and I didn’t even grumble when I was forced to sit next to a BO-reeking teen with bad breath and fidgety fingers that drummed on the window for the duration of my journey.

  ‘You’re looking very pleased with yourself this morning.’

  ‘Very observant, Quinn. I am very pleased with myself.’

  ‘Weight Watchers went well then?’

  I strolled towards the reception desk, savouring the moment. ‘It went extremely well. I lost four pounds.’

  Quinn looked as thrilled as I felt as she clapped her hands like a performing sea lion. ‘Well done. That’s amazing. Let’s have a look at you.’ Ever obliging, I took a couple of steps away from the desk and gave a twirl. I knew you couldn’t see the weight loss but sod it, I was relishing my little victory. ‘I’m so pleased for you, Ruth.’ Her smile slipped a little and she leant across the desk. ‘But I should warn you. Kelvin’s already upstairs.’

  ‘What?’ I checked my watch. It was only ten to nine.

  ‘He’s been here since half past eight.’

  I wasn’t late for work yet I still raced up the stairs, puffing and panting my way to the top. Quinn was right – Kelvin was in his office and in the process of wrecking the joint by the looks of it.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Files were slumped over the carpet, bits of paper spilling out everywhere while Kelvin rustled through the cabinet, dumping yet more files by his feet. Had he misplaced a Snickers?

  ‘I’m looking for the Westerly file. Where is it?’

  Stepping between the files on the tiny patches of available carpet peeking through, I paused half way between the door and Kelvin. ‘It’s on your desk.’

  ‘It isn’t. I haven’t touched it.’ Kelvin swung around, almost taking out a pot plant with his girth. ‘Oh. There it is. Very good. Would you mind sorting this lot out? I have a meeting with Glenn and I’m late. Can you also organise coffee for four down in Meeting Room One?’ Without waiting for a reply, Kelvin thumped out of the room, Westerly file tucked under his arm while I took in the mess surrounding me. But then I’d lost four pounds, so I didn’t care and quickly dropped to my knees to pick up the files.

  My good mood swept me through the rest of the morning and not even Susan Shuttleworth’s shrill, whiny voice double checking the arrangements for Kelvin’s birthday party could bring me down. I was four pounds lighter so I couldn’t have cared less about anything else.

  ‘It’s lunchtime.’ Kelvin strode towards me, having returned from his meeting, his office now clear of clutter and the files in correct order. ‘Can you bring me something from the kitchen?’

  ‘But it’s only half past eleven.’

  ‘So? I’m hungry now.’

  ‘Did you actually bring any lunch with you?’ I couldn’t imagine him whipping up a sandwich that morning, wrapping it in tinfoil and popping it in the fridge with a yogurt and an apple.

  ‘No, but there’s always food in there.’

  ‘That belongs to other people.’ What did he think the poor sods ate after he’d snaffled their lunch? ‘I can nip out to the shop if you’d like.’

  ‘Don’t bother.’ Kelvin huffed into his office and slammed the door so I took the opportunity to go on a break, making a couple of coffees en route to the Sales and Marketing department. Erin gasped when she saw me.

  ‘Who is this skinny bitch? You remind me of someone but I can’t put my finger on who.’

  I nudged her with my elbow as I placed one of the coffees on her desk. ‘Get lost. I’m not skinny. Yet.’ We grinned at each other and I pulled an empty chair over to her desk to settle myself in for five minutes. ‘You’ll never guess who I caught going at it with some girl on the sofa last night.’

  Erin yawned and checked her manicured nails for imperfections. ‘I’d take a wild guess at Theo. The man has no standards at all. Imagine shagging someone in a communal area.’

  ‘It wasn’t Theo.’ I wanted to pause for effect but the gossip was too juicy and I ended up blurting it out. ‘It was Billy. And they weren’t actually having sex, but I bet they would have been if I hadn’t interrupted them.’

  Erin pulled a face. ‘Billy? How?’

  ‘Hey.’ I didn’t fancy him myself, being Billy and all, but he was no ogre. ‘He’s quite cute in a geeky way. It’s quite cool now, isn’t it, geek chic?’

  ‘Geek chic, yes. Billy, no. Where did he find someone willing to shag him?’

  ‘The pub.’

  ‘Is she hideous?’

  I was starting to feel a bit sorry for Billy. I knew he wasn’t Erin’s usual type, but there was nothing wrong with him. Perhaps he could have done with a decent haircut but nothing more drastic.

  ‘We met her. It’s the girl you nearly had a catfight with.’

  ‘Oh her. She was very pretty, actually. Tiny and blonde, like a life-sized Tinkerbell. Did she have a concealed white stick?’ Erin howled at her joke while I scowled, forgetting my weight-loss joy momentarily. Erin could take her cruelty too far sometimes. ‘Uh-oh. Ginger Prick’s on his way. Hide me.’

  ‘Nope.’ After her jibes at Billy, a very dear friend of mine, she was on her own. ‘I have to get back to Kelvin before he ransacks his filing cabinet again.’ Ignoring Erin’s scowl, I made my way back to my office, stopping off at reception for a quick chat on the way. Kelvin shifted guiltily when I stepped into his office, swiping at his mouth with one hand while elbowing a tub into his open drawer, forgetting all about the fork still clutched in his other hand.

  ‘I was going to ask if you were sure you didn’t want me to nip out for some lunch, but you’ve obviously sorted yourself out.’

  Kelvin avoided my accusing glare. ‘No, I’m fine as far as lunch goes, but do bring me a coffee.’

  ‘Anything else?’ Perhaps I could steal someone’s dessert for you to pig out on?

  ‘Coffee will be fine. But don’t forget my biscuits, will you?’

  I wouldn’t dare.

  I was met by a familiar pert bottom sticking out of the cupboard when I arrived at the kitchen. I paused in the doorway, enjoying the sight for a moment until Jared straightened and turned around.

  ‘What have you lost this time?’ I moved swiftly into the kitchen and busied myself with the kettle.

  ‘My pasta.’

  I thought of the plastic tub falling into Kelvin’s drawer. ‘I did warn you, didn’t I?’

  Jared hung his head. ‘You did.’ When he raised his eyes to meet mine, they were bright with amusement. ‘I don’t suppose you have any chicken to share?’

  ‘I’m afraid not.’

  Jared clicked his fingers. ‘Damn. I guess it’s rubbery spaghetti bolognese for lunch then.’

  ‘It’ll be your punishment for not listening to my advice.’

  ‘Wow, you’re harsh. There wasn’t even a hint of sympathy then, was there?’

  I waltzed into my third Weight Watchers meeting with an air of confidence that hadn’t been present t
he previous weeks. Then, I’d worn jeans and a plain T-shirt with a black cardigan over the top, trying my best to blend into the background. I was sure I’d be the biggest person in the room, but there were people even bigger than I was, can you believe? The following week, I was back to my usual bright self in a fifties-style black dress with a cherry print and netting under the skirt, teamed with a pair of red peep-toe wedges.

  ‘You’re back then,’ a dull voice said as I entered the church hall. In my eagerness, I’d arrived early and there were only the two of us there. ‘We see loads of people who come for their first proper weigh in and never return. Some don’t make it past the initial meeting. I nearly didn’t come back, you know.’ I did know. She’d told me the previous week as we waited to weigh in. ‘I didn’t lose a pound at that proper weigh in. I went home and cried and said I wasn’t coming back, but my mum dragged me here the next week and that was it, really. I kept coming and look at me now.’ She smoothed her hands down across her hips and turned side on so I could see her size 12 frame. ‘I used to be a size 20, you know.’ I did know. She’d told me the previous week and it was fantastic that she’d lost so much weight, a real inspiration and all that, but did she have to look and sound so miserable while she told the story?

  ‘You must have worked really hard.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Monotone. ‘I did. It was worth it though.’

  ‘I bet you can fit into fabulous clothes now.’ It was the thing I was looking forward to most of all after wowing everyone at the reunion. I longed to wander into any shop on the high street and pick out gorgeous clothes, knowing they’d stock them in my size.

  ‘I’m not really into shopping.’

  I could have slapped her. Didn’t she realise how lucky she was? To have so much choice and so freely available? I had to buy my clothes from specialised shops, paying over the odds to dress young instead of like a sack of potatoes.

  ‘What are you into?’

  She shrugged her slim shoulders. ‘Don’t know really. Oh look. Here’s Lesley and Brenda. Hello girls.’ Her features didn’t even brighten when she greeted her friends. I made a vow, there and then, that when I lost the weight, I’d be bloody happy about it. I’d shout it from the sodding rooftops to let everyone know how ecstatic I was and I’d bankrupt myself stuffing my wardrobe with beautiful garments.

  I had a good weigh in, losing a further two pounds. Added to the four from last week, I’d lost almost half a stone in a couple of weeks. If I carried on at this rate, I was going to look stunning at the reunion and I’d need an extra wardrobe.

  The sight of Susan Shuttleworth standing in my office was enough to have me hurtling towards the window and throwing myself, elbow first, through the pane of glass in a bid to escape. As tall as she was wide, giving her the appearance of an egg on legs, and with a protruding arse that put mine to shame, Susan was somehow under the delusion that she was something of a glamourpuss. She wore her hair short and bleached to within an inch of its life and never left the house without full make-up, though the foundation was two shades too dark, her pillar box red lipstick smeared on her teeth and her false lashes hanging loose. Her clothes were always skin tight, displaying every ripple and dimple on her body.

  ‘Is he in?’ She jabbed a finger towards Kelvin’s closed door.

  ‘He’s in a meeting.’ I tried to keep my voice calm as my eyes darted to the door. Kelvin was in there with Angelina. ‘Would you like to come with me to get a coffee? I shouldn’t imagine they’ll be much longer.’

  ‘I’ll pass. I’ve tried the coffee here and it tastes like cheap crap.’ I held my breath as Susan moved but she simply sank into the chair opposite me. I let my breath out slowly, not wanting to display the immense relief I felt. I wasn’t keen on having Susan so close, but if she was sitting at my desk, she wasn’t barging into her husband’s office and finding him with his pants around his ankles. ‘I’m not actually here to see Kelvin. I’ve come to make sure all the arrangements are in place.’

  ‘They are.’ I’d assured her over the phone half a dozen times already. How difficult did she think it was to phone a caterer, order a buffet and organise a bit of bunting?

  ‘Yes, well, I hope so.’ She jutted her chin at me. ‘I’d hate to think what would happen to your employment here if you made a balls of this party.’

  I doubted ‘making a balls of a party’, particularly one of a personal and not a business nature, was a sacking offence but I kept my mouth shut. I could wind Susan up on the phone but she was far too scary in person. ‘The party will be fine. Better than fine. It’ll be fantastic.’

  ‘Don’t go overboard, dear. It’s just a little get together in that grotty little pub every damn party has to take place in.’ She flung her handbag over her shoulder and rose from the seat, though there wasn’t much of a height increase. I could barely see Susan over my desk. ‘Tell Kelvin I popped in. And make sure he wears the clean shirt and tie.’ She jabbed a finger at the plastic cover hanging off my office door. She weebled her way out without another word and within a minute, Angelina emerged from Kelvin’s office, unaware of how close she’d come to being rumbled.

  Kelvin’s party took place at The Bonnie Dundee straight after work and the place was packed with H. Wood employees, who had turned up for a free feed rather than to wish Kelvin a happy birthday. There was little I could do about the scruffiness of the pub that sat on the edge of the business park but I’d done my best with the bunting and balloons. You can’t polish a turd but you can throw a load of multi-coloured streamers at it.

  ‘One day, H. Woods will pay for a decent party venue,’ Erin said as we hovered at the bar. She caught my eye and we both sniggered.

  ‘Yeah, right. And one day I’ll be on the cover of Vogue.’

  ‘Uh-oh. There he is. Shit.’ Erin ducked behind me as Richard Shuttleworth came into view, craning his neck this way and that. ‘Don’t meet his eye. He’ll come over to ask you where I am and then he’ll spot me. Is he still there?’

  I scanned the room but instead of spotting the ginger one, I spotted Jared and gave a gasp. He looked even more gorgeous than usual, having ditched his suit jacket and tie, undone his top button and rolled up his sleeves, flashing tanned forearms with the palest blond hairs.

  ‘What is it? Is he coming over? I’m making a run for it. Tell him I’ve gone home. With Stuart.’ Erin bolted from behind me and charged into the ladies while I gazed across the room at Jared. He really was lovely.

  ‘Is Erin about?’ My view was spoiled by Richard, his hands on his hips, head still swivelling around the room.

  ‘I saw her leave a few minutes ago.’

  ‘A few minutes?’ Richard lifted his wrist to check the time, gauging whether he had time to catch up with her.

  ‘She was with Stuart from Accounts.’

  Richard’s wrist dropped back down again. ‘You’re joking. Shit!’ With his chest heaving with the effort of a huge sigh, Richard stalked away and when he shifted, Jared took his place.

  ‘Can I get you a drink? To say thank you for all your help with my lunches?’

  I hadn’t helped much at all but I didn’t point that out, not being one to turn down a free drink. ‘That’s very kind of you. I’ll have a diet coke please.’ As Jared moved away towards the bar, I was rewarded with a wonderful view of his bottom and I wondered what it would feel like beneath my hands.

  ‘Mind if I join you?’

  ‘You’ve just bought me a drink. I can hardly say no.’ We weaved our way through the crowds and found an empty table, and when Jared sat down his knee brushed mine due to his long legs. I’d never experienced a galloping pulse or flushed cheeks when Gideon made contact with me, but I did with Jared, despite the briefest of touch, and it took my breath away for a moment.

  ‘So did you have lunch here yesterday?’ I asked because my muddled brain couldn’t compose another set of words.

  ‘I did and you were right.’ Jared lowered his voice and had to lean towards me to be heard
over the music. ‘It was rubbery.’

  I couldn’t respond, my body too preoccupied with making swooning gestures from my closeness to Jared. He smelled citrusy and fresh yet manly and my face was on fire as I imagined being even closer to him, unfastening the next button on his shirt. And the next.

  ‘Has he gone?’

  I jumped at the sound of Erin’s sudden voice, the image of undressing Jared cruelly snatched away. ‘Who?’

  ‘The Ginger Dickhead of course.’ She scowled down at me until she caught sight of Jared and her features softened, a coy smile playing on her lips. ‘Oh, hello. I don’t believe we’ve met.’

  I made the introductions before excusing myself. I had no chance of chatting to Jared with Erin around and I didn’t fancy playing gooseberry. Disappearing under her shadow was one of the only flaws of being friends with Erin. She couldn’t help it; men were drawn to her beauty and easy-going nature and if Erin was there, to men at least, I was not. I totted up my Weight Watchers points while wandering over to the buffet and calculated that I had twelve left to stretch over the remainder of the week. I looked back towards Erin and Jared and my heart sank when I saw Jared’s head thrown back in laughter. He leant in close, resting his hand on Erin’s shoulder as he whispered in her ear. Erin was obviously working her magic and no man could resist.

  Oh, sod it. I grabbed a sausage roll and a pork pie. It wouldn’t matter if I went over by a point or two.

  NINE

  Jared

  Angelina stepped into the office, closing the door behind her before she sauntered towards Jared’s desk, her hips swaying so much they almost bounced off the walls either side. Instead of sitting in the chair opposite, Angelina perched her pert bottom on the edge of the desk, her long thighs inches away from Jared.

  ‘How can I help you, Angelina?’

  Jared was starting to settle into his new role as purchasing manager at H. Wood Vehicles and was getting to know the other members of staff. He suspected the office junior had developed a bit of a crush on him, which was evident in the eyelash fluttering whenever she was in his presence and her skirt shortening by the minute and it may have been quite exciting had Sammy not looked and acted like a twelve-year-old playing grown-ups with her orange foundation and overdone eye shadow. Jared had witnessed her having an actual tantrum over a missing stapler a couple of days ago.