Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

by Robyn Peterman

  Satan considered the offer with pursed lips and a look of displeasure.

  “Take it or leave it,” Astrid threatened. “And just so you know, I have a little video you might be interested in… ”

  “Are you blackmailing me?” he shouted with delight.

  “Oh my Hell,” she gasped out and paled. “I think I am.”

  “Apples do not fall far from their trees. You’re more Demon than you want to believe,” Satan told her with a lopsided grin. “And I accept your kind invitation to Christmas next year.”

  “I’m sure I’ll live to regret it,” she told him with a smile and a snort.

  “I’m sure you will,” he agreed and turned his attention back to the cage.

  “Can you do it?” Astrid asked her uncle in a hushed tone.

  Satan’s sigh was large and put upon. “I am going to pretend you didn’t say that,” he snapped. “I really don’t want to have to smite your ass when I’m done here.”

  “Right. Sorry, Uncle Fucker… I mean, Satan,” she mumbled with an evil little grin and backed away.

  “Oh and Heathcliff,” he added as he turned and smirked. “Astrid’s payment does not negate the request you have asked of me—or your favor.”

  “I didn’t think it did,” I replied evenly. “Can you find who I requested?”

  “For the love of everything evil,” Satan yelled and threw his hands in the air. “What’s this crap about everyone doubting me? This is not good for my ego. I’m the fucking Devil—the King on the Underworld—the most evil one of all, for shit’s sake.”

  The walls shook and I put my hands up in defense. “I was simply assuming that this individual might not reside in Hell,” I quickly explained trying to avoid a satanic tantrum.

  “Oh… okay,” Satan said magnanimously accepting my justification. “He doesn’t normally, but he was on a field trip to see all the Nazis being water boarded in the basement of Hell. He might have accidentally missed the bus back to Heaven.”

  “Holy crap, you kidnapped someone else?” Astrid hissed as she marched up to the Devil and smacked him upside the head.

  Everyone in the room blanched. Who in their right mind walloped Satan?

  “Let’s get something straight here,” Satan growled. “I did not abduct my hero, Steve Perry. My daughters kidnapped him for me for Christmas.”

  “He does have a point,” Ethan added cautiously.

  “See?” Satan whined like a five year old. “Not everything bad is my fault. However, if I’d thought of it I would have done it before they did.”

  He mumbled the second half of his sentence as he backed away from Astrid.

  “Whatever,” she huffed. “You cannot keep people against their will.”

  “But I did,” Satan replied.

  “It’s still wrong,” Astrid declared, chastising him.

  “And your point?” Satan asked, truly baffled.

  “Never mind.” Astrid rolled her eyes and pressed the bridge of her nose. “Who did you detain anyway?”

  “That is for me and Heathcliff to know and you to find out. Is this the only ward I have to break?” Satan asked as he flicked his fingers and the magic that bound Gareth oozed to the floor with a wicked hiss.

  “I’m not sure,” Astrid replied truthfully. “Three of Ethan’s other siblings have gone missing and I’m not certain of their circumstances.”

  Raquel and Ethan rushed forward to their brother. Hugs, backslaps and a few tears were shed. As the spell continued to fizzle and dissolve, the silver chains that bound Gareth disintegrated to a fine powdery dust. He was free—almost.

  “Why hasn’t his aging reversed?” Raquel turned to Satan and asked. “He’s still aging.”

  “Unfortunately my dear, that part of the curse cannot be reversed by me,” the Devil winked at my mate and gave Raquel what I assumed was his panty melting smile.

  My hands fisted at my sides and the need to take him down boiled in my veins. Ethan shot me a look that would have made most cringe. However, we were dealing with my mate here.

  No one except for me was allowed to even think of her in a suggestive way without dying violently. Thankfully the Devil’s advances clearly didn’t tempt Raquel in the slightest. It would have been incredibly bad form to take on Satan—especially when I’d asked him to come.

  However, he was treading on paper thin ice at the moment.

  “You can do nothing?” Gareth asked diffusing the tension. “You’re the goddamned Devil.”

  “For the love of torture,” Satan roared. “I just freed your sorry ass. Does that amount to nothing?”

  “Calm down and pull your panties out of your crack,” Astrid snapped. “It’s a reasonable fucking question. If you can’t do it, who can?”

  “That information will cost you,” Satan said with a sulk.

  “Mother humpin’ cowballs on a pointy stick covered in poop,” Astrid mumbled with disgust. “What do you want?”

  “Can I get back to you on that?” Satan asked.

  “No,” Ethan grumbled as Astrid snapped, “Yes.”

  “Wonderful,” Satan bellowed completely ignoring the Vampyre Prince of the North American Dominion. “I’ll let you know my price. Soon.”

  Ethan closed his eyes and stared at the ceiling. I was certain he was praying for patience. Satan was tough to swallow under any circumstance—let alone one where he clearly had the upper hand.

  “Gareth will continue to age until he finds his true mate. Whomever placed this shoddy ass spell also cursed him,” the Devil informed us.

  “Is it a Demonic curse?” I asked.

  Satan made a huge show of rolling his eyes and silently counting to ten as his lips moved wordlessly. Watching the Devil pout like a toddler would have been humorous if the stakes weren’t so high.

  “If it were Demonic, I could remove it,” he ground out. He looked at Gareth. “It’s not Demonic. This was obviously a two or more asshole job. I removed the Demon spell part. The curse is your problem.”

  Gareth nodded. What else could he do?

  “My curse was removed by finding my mate,” Raquel said thoughtfully.

  “Then it stands to reason that the same person who cursed you, cursed your brother,” Satan said as he pulled out his cell phone and began tapping away.

  “What are you doing?” Astrid demanded.

  “I’m playing Soda Candy Crush. I’m on level 660 and I found a way to cheat to get more lives. Besides, it’s getting boring here,” Satan replied.

  “Wait. You know how to get more lives without paying for them?” Raquel asked, intrigued.

  “I do,” he purred suggestively and approached her. “Would you like me to show you how?”

  “No,” I said cutting off his advance. “She would not.”

  There was no way in Hell we were going to owe the Devil a favor to find out how to cheat at Soda Candy Crush.

  “Hello,” Gareth cut it. “Still aging over here.”

  “Why do you think it’s the same person who cursed both Raquel and Gareth?” Astrid asked her uncle.

  “Cursing is a gift,” Ethan explained before the Devil could exact another favor for an answer. “Very few immortals have the unfortunate gift of laying curses on other immortals.”

  “Do you know anyone who has this gift?” I asked.

  “No. I don’t,” Ethan answered and then glanced at the Devil with narrowed eyes. “But I would guess he does.”

  “Holy Hell, this outing is turning out far to be more interesting than I thought it would.” Satan clapped his hands and grinned. “How about this? We can work out a deal while we find your other siblings. Do you happen to know where they are?”

  I want to punch the man, but didn’t dare. Satan forgot about his game as he added up new favors in his head.

  “I can find them,” Gareth said stepping forward. “Who’s missing?”

  Nathan, Alexander and Lelia,” Ethan informed him tersely. “You can call them here?”

  “Not s
ure that would work if they’re in the same situation I was in. However, I can go to them,” he replied.

  “Your gift?” Astrid asked Gareth.

  “Yes. And I can take you with me. It won’t be pleasant, but it will work.”

  “Please,” Astrid laughed. “I was yanked to Hell by Demons. Nothing can top that.”

  “Are you trying to hurt my feelings?” Satan inquired silkily.

  “You have feelings?” she countered.

  “Well no, but it sounded good. Didn’t it?” Satan replied with a smirk and a shrug.

  Ignoring the Devil, Gareth took charge. “Ethan, Astrid, Satan and I will find the others and meet you at the Summit. I’d highly suggest you two hide your mating. Vlad may be very valuable to us. And as you know… he wants Raquel.”

  I growled my displeasure at the shitty plan resuming and nodded curtly. Vlad had better be fucking valuable or he would die—slowly.

  “I hate that tally whacker,” Satan announced gleefully. “I can’t wait until the bastard ends up in my neck of the woods. But I was under the impression that Napoleon was in charge of the Old Guard at the moment.”

  “Napoleon is a fucking Vampyre?” Astrid asked, shocked. “Who made that little turd a Vamp?”

  “Don’t know,” Satan answered. “But when you meet him please call him a little turd. I’ll owe you three favors if you do.”

  Astrid contemplated his request thoughtfully as Ethan firmly shook his head no. Napoleon was a hateful bastard and evil to the core. Even though Astrid could take him, it would be foolish to have him as an enemy.

  “Five favors and I’ll call him an assbucket turd knockin’ little shit for brains,” she offered ignoring Ethan’s very audible groan.

  “Deal,” Satan shouted and rubbed his hands together in anticipation of a smackdown or more likely a bloodbath. “Oh and if you tell Vlad ‘you vant to suck his blood’ I’ll let you call me Uncle Fucker for two weeks.”

  “But I don’t vant to suck his blood.” Astrid giggled.

  “Trust me on this one. Just tell him,” Satan said with a covert wink to me.

  The Devil had the information on Vlad despising the way he’d been portrayed in film from me. Part of my favor was directly related to this little tidbit. Vlad was known to go ballistic when mocked.

  “Are we ready?” I asked, ignoring Satan as I glanced at our motley crew.

  “No, but we’re going anyway,” Raquel said as she quickly hugged her brothers and Astrid. “Let’s get this twerk-wanking shit show on the road.”

  “Wow. Good one,” Astrid said, congratulating her again.

  “Thanks,” my mate replied with a blush. “Did it make sense?”

  “No, but what the Hell does making sense even mean?” Astrid said. “Think about it—we’re dead, we can fly, my uncle is Beelzebub, and I’m un-killable. Sense left this train station a long fucking time ago.”

  “We make sense out of the chaos,” I corrected Astrid as I took Raquel’s hand in mine. “I’m as alive as when I still had breath. We’re survivors and we have reasons to go on. Today is a mere blip in the eternity that we’ve been given. I plan to take it by the balls and twist till it screams for mercy.”

  “Again,” Satan added, grinning at all of us. “I’m am starting to seriously enjoy this day.”

  I chuckled and shrugged.

  “I like your positive attitude too,” Astrid said with a thoughtful nod. “I’m ready to grab some hairy balls and twist till they explode. I shall then yank them till they’re detached and shove them down the bad guy’s throat.”

  All of the men—including me—groaned and covered our balls with our hands in a visceral reaction to her plan. Astrid and Raquel high fived and tried without success to bite back their laughter.

  “Not exactly what I meant, Astrid,” I muttered with a wince.

  “I know,” my cousin assured me with an evil little smirk. “I just like to see you all bent over in phantom pain.”

  “That’s just mean, Astrid,” Satan gasped, but gave her an approving thumbs up.

  “If we’re done here, we have to go,” Raquel advised. “Time is beginning to be of the essence. We’ll see you shortly.”

  “This is serious. Do not doubt it for an instant,” Ethan advised as touched his sister’s cheek. “The Old Guard is powerful and may have many allies that we’re unaware of. Stay as neutral as you can and wait for backup. Hopefully, we’ll be there soon.”

  “You don’t think I can handle a bunch of old-as-dirt dead people?” Raquel asked her brother with narrowed eyes as her fangs descended.

  It was all kinds of sexy. The uncontrollable monster on my pants agreed.

  “Oh I know you can, especially with the killing machine you mated with at your side. I just don’t want to miss out on any of the fun,” Ethan replied with a wink.

  “Death, destruction, and dinner in Paris. I couldn’t have asked for a nicer damned day,” Satan declared as he took his place on the far side of the room with Gareth, Astrid and Ethan. “Okay. Let’s get this party started.”

  “Yes, let’s,” I agreed with a salute to my friends.

  And with that we all transported away in spectacular blasts of glittering magic.

  Chapter 17

  Everything was stark white—the walls, the furniture, the drapes and the marble flooring. Not a spec of color as far as the eye could see. It was cold and foreboding. If Heaven was decorated like this, I might actually consider Hell.

  “Damn, the Angels have unimaginative taste,” Raquel whispered as we cautiously made our way across a grand but strangely empty foyer. “Where is everyone?”

  “Security is definitely lacking,” I muttered as I glanced around.

  We stood out like evil beacons in our formalwear—all black against the backdrop of blinding white. Astrid had the forethought to bring me a tux and Raquel had changed into a black sheath that hugged her curves sinfully. The thought of peeling it off of her with my teeth consumed my brain.

  With a shake of my head to clear the lascivious intentions from it, I closed my eyes and reached out to the minds of our people who were in attendance at the Summit. The thoughts of our warriors were tense and guarded. With a text on my secure line, I communicated with Henry, one of my top generals.

  Where are you? I asked him.

  Ballroom. Are you here? Henry asked in return.

  Yes. Status?

  Strange… boring. Not a word uttered against the Royal Family. Just business about territory rights and upholding the treaties. Henry informed me.

  Nothing seems amiss? I queried.

  No, nothing.

  We’ll be in shortly.

  Odd. If the Old Guard wanted to embarrass or implicate the Royal Family, the Summit was the perfect place to do it. What else could be going on?

  “They’re at a meeting in the ballroom. Everyone is there,” I told her.

  “Shall we just waltz in and surprise them?” she asked with a bloodthirsty little grin.

  Damn it. It was either the smile or maybe the way her eyes lit up at the thought of spilling some blood that undid me. I adjusted the bulge in my pants and carefully considered my answer. If we stole away in a parlor, we could have a quickie. However, relieving the ache in my balls wasn’t necessarily a top priority. No matter what we were facing, my priorities always shifted to Raquel when we were alone.

  “I do believe waltzing in is a fine plan, my love. It would be difficult for anyone to abduct you in a crowd of Angels.”

  “The only person I want to be abducted by is you.” Raquel batted her long lashes and my pants got tighter. “Could you arrange that?”

  “God, Raquel.” I groaned. It took everything I had not to say the Hell with the Summit and whisk her away to a secluded place—anywhere. I’d even go back to the damn Catacombs if it meant we could be alone. “You’re killing me here.”

  “Darling, you’re already dead.” She laughed with delight and kissed me. “Do you want me to help you out with y
our problem?” she asked, referring to the painfully obvious erection in my pants.

  “Now?” I asked.

  “Yes. Now,” she whispered with glee.

  “Can we do it fast?” I asked liking the direction we were going.

  “So fast it will make your head spin,” she purred. “Both of them.”