Fashionably Hotter Than Hell

by Robyn Peterman

  “Let him finish,” the King said watching me, his curiosity piqued. “You’re only revealing part of this plan. Finish.”

  “We need Juliet, but does it actually have to be the real Juliet?” I asked as I glanced over at Jean Paul.

  Jean Paul had stayed quiet for the last few minutes and watched the scene play out with a small smile on his lips. He knew exactly where I was going with my line of thinking and he was as entertained by the confusion as much as I was.

  “You know what?” Raquel huffed as she slapped my shoulder hard. She’d caught on, but wasn’t pleased to have been played. “You are a dick. Brilliant, but still a dick.”

  “Thank you.” I gave her a small bow and blew her a kiss.

  “I still as confused as shit here,” Pam shouted. “Anyone want to clue me in?”

  “Well,” Jean Paul started, and was cut short by Pam slapping her hand over his mouth.

  “No! Don’t tell me. I hate it when I know how a movie or book ends. I want to be surprised,” she announced with an evil little grin. “How does Satan play into this? No! Wait. Don’t tell me.”

  Satan… damn it. I’d almost forgotten about him. Pam had a fine point. My original plan was to piss Dracula off. Not going to be helpful with a better plan in place. I needed to get hold of the Devil and tell him to abort plan A. The problem was I couldn’t get through to any of them at the moment.

  Fuck.

  “I’ll let Satan know to drop the original plan,” I muttered as I tried to reach Ethan with our secret code.

  Again, nothing.

  “Still no answer?” Raquel asked as she glanced at my phone with concern.

  “No,” I replied tightly.

  “I’m sure they’re fine,” she said firmly. “We’ll just stop Satan from doing whatever he was going to do when they get there.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I said as I stood and prepared to go back to the Summit.

  The only problem with that scenario was that the Devil did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. He’d been enormously amused at the thought of Vlad going ballistic when he showed up with the famous and dead actor who’d immortalized Dracula in film. It was common knowledge that Vlad violently despised the depictions of himself in literature and film. Normally my ideas were faultless. This one… not so much.

  I vant to drink your blood might be the line that ends the human, Angel and Vampyre races…

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  “We need to get back to the Summit now,” I snapped.

  “What about Raquel?” the King asked. “I don’t think it wise to reveal the curse is broken yet.”

  “He’s right,” Jean Paul said. “We don’t want Vlad suspecting anything is amiss.”

  “While all this may be true, what we really don’t want is Satan showing up with Bela Lugosi and having him tell Vlad he wants to drink his blood,” I said, revealing my shitty plan to all.

  “Holy shitknockers,” Pam screeched and jumped up and down like a bouncing ball. “That is so fucking awesome! I wish I’d come up with it myself. He’ll split in half like Rumplefuckingstein.”

  Raquel just stared at me in disbelief and tried desperately to bite back her laughter. “Was that really plan A?” she asked on a burst of giggles.

  “Yes. Yes, that was plan fucking A,” I hissed as everyone in the room let their laughter rip. “I didn’t have much to go on, so I figured I’d start by pissing the bastard off.”

  “You shall certainly succeed at that, my friend,” the King said, still chuckling.

  I grinned and shook my head ruefully. “It was not my finest, but as I said, I had to start somewhere.”

  “I think you should still use plan A,” Jean Paul said thoughtfully. “It will definitely get him to leave the room and then I can go to work.”

  “Or Dracula will blow up the room and everyone in it,” Raquel added and sobered us all quickly.

  “Nah, Roberto will zap his ass so hard and so fast, Vlad won’t even know what hit him. I’ll let Roberto in on the secret,” Pam said with her eyes as wide and excited as a child’s on its birthday.

  I smiled at Pam’s willingness to help my cause. “Actually, I need to have a word with Roberto as well. Can you get me a private meeting?”

  “Does Davis Hasselhoff like his hamburgers?” she demanded with her hands on her hips and brows arched high.

  I was silent because I had no fucking clue if her answer meant yes or no.

  “She’ll get you the meeting,” the King said as he watched his nutbag of a mate with fondness. “She just has an unusual way of imparting the information.”

  “That she does,” I agreed and took Raquel by the hand. “Can you stay cloaked if we go back now?”

  “Does the Pope wear red shoes?” she asked me with a wicked twinkle in her eyes.

  “The old one did,” I shot back with a grin.

  She giggled and gave me a kiss. “Of course I can stay cloaked. I’m a Master fucking Vampyre,” she whispered.

  “That you are, my love. Everyone ready?” I asked.

  The chorus of yeses were strong and confident.

  It was time to go kick some Vamp ass—well one Vamp’s ass. I just hoped it didn’t result in a war.

  Chapter 20

  It was a shit show of epic proportions…

  Never, ever again would I ask Satan for help.

  “Oh my God,” Jean Paul shouted over the din of Angels and Vampyres arguing at ear splitting levels. “This is not what I was expecting.”

  “Fucking awesome,” Pam bellowed as she took in the scene.

  Satan stood calmly smiling in the middle of the pristine white great room while accusations flew. He was clearly not a welcome visitor. I glanced around looking for Astrid, Ethan and Gareth, but they were nowhere to be found, Neither was the guest I requested the Devil bring.

  I glanced up to the Heavens and thanked God for small favors. Clearly Satan hadn’t retrieved Bela Lugosi… yet. I needed to call off my request or at least save it until we needed it for a distraction. However, getting to the Devil was an issue. Not only were loud disagreements going on, there was an inordinate amount of pushing and shoving—fangs and wings were clashing.

  Son of a bitch…

  “Good evening everyone. So sorry to be late to the clusterfuck. I was busy taking a shit on the stock market. It’s so delightful to play with such greedy fuckers,” Satan bellowed joyously as the crowd—both Angels and Vampyres—froze in horror. “I must say, I did some outstanding damage to the tech sector.”

  The silence was loaded. The grumbling started slowly and rose steadily. It was a very well known fact that Vampyres and Angels were heavily invested in technology—especially the Old Guard Vamps. The rabid displeasure and the nervous tapping of phones sounding like frantic tap dancing. Clearly they were checking their stocks. The shocked grunts and hisses of fury confirmed that Satan had indeed taken a shit on the stock market.

  “Yes,” the Devil purred as his eyes turned red with glee. “I do believe I leveled a few big ones.”

  His laugh was positively maniacal and it was difficult not to join him. The expressions of rage on the faces of the Old Guard were tremendously enjoyable. Of course, I probably suffered some losses due to Satan’s screwing with the market, but I didn’t give a shit. Money came and money went. The need for endless riches had never defined me.

  “This Summit did not include any invitations for Demons,” Vlad sneered as he stepped forward out of the crowd and went toe to toe with the irreverent King of the Underworld.

  Holy Hell, Vlad was as stupid as he was arrogant—but mostly stupid. Satan was not someone to fuck with.

  “Now that’s just rude,” Satan pouted and made himself comfortable on a nearby couch.

  “You must leave. Now,” Vlad continued cockily as he puffed out his chest and postured.

  “But I brought some of your friends, Dracula,” Satan informed Vlad in a silky tone that made everyone in the room uncomfortable.

&n
bsp; A few snickers escaped at Satan’s use of the despised moniker, but they were quickly muffled as Vlad snapped his head around to find the perpetrators. The arrogant Vampyre literally seethed with anger at the name he so hated, but the feral look on Satan’s face stopped him from writing his own death warrant by attacking him.

  Wait. What the Hell did Satan mean by friends? I’d only requested Bella Lugosi.

  “Yes, it was tiresome to gather such an illustrious group together, but I’m quite sure it shall be well worth it,” Satan said breezily as he stood and took a few steps toward Vlad.

  The Vampyre took several steps back, but then stood his ground. Vlad’s power couldn’t be discounted and Satan was very aware of this fact. He watched Vlad through a narrowed gaze and an evil little grin on his lips.

  “I’m sure I have no clue what you’re speaking of,” Vlad spat. “But you are not welcome here, Beelzebub. You are neither Angel nor Vampyre.”

  “Ahhhhh….,” Satan shot back smoothly with an undercurrent of menace that made me yet again regret asking for his assistance. “That’s where you’re wrong, Dracula.”

  Vlad’s body shook with outrage at Satan’s repeated use of the detested title, but he held himself at bay. “I don’t believe I am wrong, Demon.”

  “If you weren’t such an infuriating blowhard asshole, I might actually like you. I usually adore cretins like you, but there’s something wildly unappealing about you,” Satan told him as he conjured a glass of wine out of thin air and took a calculated sip. “I’m a Fallen Angel, you imbecile. I have every right to be here,” he hissed venomously as Vlad took another few discreet steps back.

  “He’s correct,” Roberto, the Angel in charge said as he closed his eyes and expelled an enormous put upon sigh. “We may not want him here, but he does have the right to be present.”

  “Thank you, Roberto.” Satan winked at the annoyed Angel. “I’d say it’s lovely to see you again, but it’s not.”

  “And the same to you, Lucifer,” Roberto replied dryly. “How long are you planning to stay?”

  “Not long,” Satan assured a somewhat relieved Roberto. “Just long enough to stir the pot a bit—so to speak.”

  “I see,” said Roberto as sparks of displeasure began to float around his body. “Satan?”

  “Yes?”

  “Please do whatever you need to do and be on your way. However, if it includes anyone dying I will smite your sorry ass to Hell and make sure it stays there for a few centuries,” the Angel promised with a benign smile on his angelic face.

  “It’s no wonder I fell, you Angels are utterly boring, with no fucking sense of adventure or humor,” Satan said flippantly. “You used to be ssssssssssssoooooo much fun, Roberto.”

  Roberto snarled. Satan grinned and blew him a kiss.

  When had the Devil developed a lisp? Out of habit, I turned to ask Raquel and realized although she was next to me no one could see her. I lightly touched the air and felt her. Her presence kept me centered instead of distracted.

  “Do it now, Satan. Have your fun and be gone,” Roberto snapped.

  “So be it. I’ll be right back. I need to get Dracula’s buddies. I locked them in the trunk of my Aston Martin so they wouldn’t get away. It’s so difficult these days to get kidnap victims to play nice. Do you feel me, Roberto?” he asked the now fuming Angel.

  “Lucifer,” Roberto growled.

  “Don’t get your panties in a wad, Bert,” Satan purred, undeterred as he strolled out of the room. “Stick around. I think you’ll enjoy this. And please don’t any of you think about leaving… I’d hate to have to drag you back in for the show.”

  As he left the room, impenetrable iron bars instantly appeared on all the windows and doors essentially trapping everyone in the large ballroom. The shouts of fury came fast and magic flew around the room like bullets. I had a very limited amount of time to put plan B into action, but that didn’t stop me for a second. I felt Raquel’s cloaked hand touch my shoulder and I sprang into action. The melee was actually to our benefit.

  “Roberto,” I said as I took the powerful Angel’s arm and steered him to the outside edges of the room that were far less populated. “We believe Vlad is the catalyst in trying to eliminate the Royal Family.”

  “Very serious accusation, Heathcliff,” he replied flatly as he glanced down at my hand that held his arm in a vise like grip. “What proof do you have?”

  Slowly removing my hand, I gave him a tight smile and a shrug. “Not much at the moment, but if you follow my lead I believe you’ll be able to take the bastard into custody within the hour.”

  His gaze narrowed and a small smile played at his lips. “This interests me,” he allowed cautiously. “However, if you’re wrong it will be both you and the Royal Family that will suffer.”

  “If I’m wrong, the entire immortal world will suffer,” I shot back.

  The Angel stared long and hard as he considered my request. His posture was relaxed, but his eyes revealed his rabid fascination. The Vampyres were not the only ones who wanted to be rid of Dracula…

  “Does your King believe this to be true?” he asked.

  “I speak for myself, but… ” I started.

  “I do believe it to be true,” the King said as he, Pam and Jean Paul quietly approached. “My children have been cursed and disappearing. Vlad is aware of the curse which leads me to suspect his involvement.”

  “He has the power to place curses?” Roberto hissed as silver and white glittering sparks flew from his fingertips about his head.

  “Calm your fucking jets, Roberto,” Pam advised sharply as she doused his flames with a wave of her hand. “If you blow up the room, we all lose.”

  “Pam,” he said through clenched teeth. “Your alliances are spread thin. You are an Angel mated to a Vampyre. Why should I believe any of this? The undead are not the most trustworthy race.”

  “And neither are the Angels,” Pam added cryptically as she stared Roberto down. “I seem to have a few recollections that might interest a couple of higher ups.”

  “Are you threatening me?” he inquired with a raised brow.

  “Do I need to?” Pam asked innocently.

  The tension was fucking palpable. The standoff was intense and if we weren’t under a time constraint it would have been interesting to watch the deadlock play out. However, time was of the essence. Forcing the hand of an Angel was risky, but the consequences of letting Vlad get away with what he was doing were far more risky.

  “Can you cloak and hide you scent?” I asked Roberto, interrupting the silent face off between him and Pam.

  The Angel snorted derisively. “Do you have any more ridiculous questions?” he huffed in exasperation as his eyes narrowed dangerously. “I am three thousand years old. What do you think the answer to that ludicrous request is?”

  “I’m going to go with a yes on that one,” I replied as I catalogued a reminder to myself to have Pam share what she had on Roberto.

  He was an uppity son of a bitch, but I already knew that. Most Angels were. But the truth was I needed him and his self-righteous ass at the moment. Unless we had a witness that wasn’t a Vampyre, we’d have information and accusations coming from only one side. His unwillingness to participate was not working for me—at all.

  Wait the fuck a minute… I didn’t need Pam to tell me anything. I opened my mind and let it flow to Pam’s. She was ready for me. Roberto’s indiscretion was forefront in her head. Her covert wink let me know she was expecting me. Holy shit, this was good. Roberto was a bad boy.

  “Garden of Eden,” I said flatly. “That damn snake was a pesky little bastard wasn’t he?”

  Satan’s elongated sssss now made sense. He didn’t have a lisp, he was reminding Roberto of the role he’d played in Eden. I’d always thought the snake was Satan, but I also thought the Pope still wore red shoes.

  The Angel’s hiss of rage momentarily made me doubt using the information, but winning was never easy. It would be quite bor
ing if it were simple.

  “I can cloak. I can hide my scent, and I can also kill you. Permanently,” he ground out with lips barely moving.

  “Perhaps,” I agreed as I felt Raquel squeeze my arm tightly. “But I’d put up a Hell of a fight. It would stand to reason if I have this knowledge others might too. Killing me might open a can of wormsssssssss that would have you spending more time with your comrade in Hell.”

  “Enough,” Roberto snapped. “I will do as you ask… this time. I will not be blackmailed into anything in the future. Are we clear?”

  “Very,” I replied in a clipped tone. “After Satan brings in his guests… ”