Rainbirds

by Clarissa Goenawan

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Keiko told everyone about it, making it sound like I had OCD. Ever since then, they’ve called me Honda.”

  “You fell in love with her because of that?”

  He laughed awkwardly. “You think that’s what happened? No, I was pissed off back then. But I admit, the nickname sort of grew on me. We actually got closer during a period when she kept falling sick, unlike her usual self. I felt the strong urge to take care of her, and I figured that meant she was more than a colleague to me.”

  “And she was.”

  “Only for a while.” He sighed. “I wasn’t the one who killed her, Ishida. I was angry and disappointed, but I loved her. I should have told you earlier, but I didn’t know how to bring it up.”

  “It’s all right. There was a lot going on.”

  He nodded. “To tell you the truth, I didn’t have an alibi. The night she was murdered, I was out in the street, driving alone. I don’t have anything to prove myself innocent.”

  “Don’t worry, I trust you. And it’s not like I have anything to implicate you, either.”

  I couldn’t explain it, but I believed Honda was telling the truth. He wasn’t someone who knew how to lie.

  “I have one last question, but I’m not sure if it’s one I should be asking you.”

  “Just go for it.” He took a sip of his coffee. “We’re already this far in.”

  I cleared my throat. “This might be rude to ask, but I need to know. Were you the one who got my sister pregnant?”

  Honda kept quiet, but his hands clenched the coffee cup tighter. He didn’t drink any, nor did he put it down.

  “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you,” I said.

  “No, I’m not offended. I just . . .” he mumbled. “It definitely wasn’t me. She dumped me, actually, for another man.”

  I couldn’t believe there were two men in her life—not just one—whom I hadn’t known about.

  “Even before I asked her out, I knew there was someone,” he continued. “But she told me the relationship was over, and she had moved on. I trusted her. I guess I made a mistake. Keiko never got over him. That person was like a part of her.”

  “Who is this man?”

  “I don’t know, Ishida, or I would’ve told the police already. Keiko was secretive about him, and I didn’t want to press her about it because she said he was in the past, and I didn’t want to be the jealous boyfriend. But if she was pregnant, I’m certain that it was by this man.” He drank his coffee. “There’s no way it’s my child. We never, well, you know . . . did it.”

  I was at a loss for words.

  “She never felt comfortable with it, and I didn’t want to pressure her,” he said. “I knew something must be wrong. But she hurt my pride when she left me, so I pretended not to care. After we broke up, I kept my distance from her.”

  Having heard what had happened, I couldn’t blame him.

  “I regret it now. I should have been more honest. If I had, perhaps she would still be around. I hate myself for that. I could’ve helped her if I hadn’t given up so easily. In a way, I do feel responsible for her death.”

  “You shouldn’t blame yourself,” I said. “You know as well as I do that she wouldn’t have listened to any of us. If you’re to blame, then I’m as guilty as you. I was indifferent toward her, too preoccupied with my own problems. I knew something wasn’t right, but I turned a blind eye. You could’ve said it was me who killed her.”

  Silence descended upon us. I looked at my coffee. The steam had disappeared, and the dark liquid was still. Tiny bubbles settled around the rim of the cup.

  “If I’d been more persistent, do you think she would have chosen me?” Honda eventually asked.

  I shrugged. “But you couldn’t do that, could you?”

  “You know me well, Ishida. I needed her to choose me because she wanted to, not out of guilt or pity. Otherwise, there would be no meaning to it. Call me naïve, but that’s how I feel.”

  “I would’ve done the same thing in your position.”

  He nodded. “Did it surprise you?”

  “You and my sister?”

  “Yes.”

  “Not really, I mean—” I stopped halfway. It didn’t seem right to tell him I’d always known she had a thing for teachers.

  “Keiko never said that she loved me. Not even once,” Honda said. “She only told me that she liked me. Silly girl, she didn’t make any attempt to hide it. I wish she’d lied to me instead. I would’ve believed her.”

  I reached for my coffee and gave it a gentle swirl.

  “When Keiko and I dated, she lived in an apartment a lot like this one,” Honda said, assessing the room. “That was a few years ago. The place has been redeveloped now. I knew she would have to move out, but I never guessed it would be to the Katous’ house.”

  I took a sip from my cup. “It was an unusual arrangement.”

  “When we were together, she used to talk a lot about you.”

  “What did she say?”

  “That you were a good-looking kid, but you changed girlfriends more frequently than hairstyles.” He smiled, seemingly back at ease. “According to her, you had dated over fifty different girls.”

  “She was joking,” I said. “That’s an exaggeration.”

  “What’s the real number?”

  “I don’t know. Twenty, thirty maybe? Definitely not fifty.”

  “That’s a lot.”

  “You must have a bad impression of me.”

  “Not really,” he said. “Underneath that carefree attitude, she said you were sensible. And that once you found the right woman, you would cherish her forever.”

  I forced a smile.

  Honda patted my shoulder. “You’re still young. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Most relationships simply don’t work out, no matter how hard you try.”

  I knew he was speaking from experience, but our situations weren’t the same. “In my case, it was all my fault,” I confessed.

  “What do you mean?”

  My sister, smiling gently, flashed through my mind.

  “I was infatuated with someone,” I said. “Or rather, it was more of a fantasy. I created an idealized image of her and compared everyone I dated against it. Because of that, nothing would ever have worked out.”

  I thought of Nae, and the countless arguments we’d had before I’d left Tokyo. Not just her, but also the other girls I’d gone out with.

  “It took me too long to realize my mistake, and in the process, I ended up hurting a lot of people who cared about me,” I went on. “Maybe that was why my sister left me.”

  “That’s not true,” Honda said. “Keiko’s coming to Akakawa had nothing to do with you. She was fond of you, Ishida. You know that, don’t you?”

  “I do,” I said, nodding slowly. “But she always thought of me as her eight-year-old brother who needed his big sister to constantly keep an eye out for him.”

  “That’s because she cared about you,” Honda said. “She spoke so highly of you that sometimes I felt jealous, even though I was her boyfriend. But after meeting you, I agree with her. I do think you’re a good guy.”

  I looked away to hide my embarrassment.

  “Her protectiveness must have rubbed off on me. I don’t know how it started, but I feel like I have to watch over you on her behalf, playing the role of big brother.”

  So that was why he’d been so helpful with everything.

  “Keiko was actually worried that she was bothering you.”

  “Really?” I hadn’t known she’d felt that way.

  “I know she used to call every week,” Honda said.

  I looked down. “I kind of miss those calls.”

  “It’s common for people to realize what’s important after it’s gone.”

 
“Uh-huh,” I mumbled, stretching my legs. “Do you want a beer? It’s a good way to wash away the sentiment.”

  “I have to pass this time, since I’m driving back.” He checked his watch and stood up. “It’s almost midnight. I’ve got to get moving. Thank you for being honest with me—it feels so much better to have finally gotten things out in the open.”

  I nodded, still trying to digest everything he’d told me.

  “See you tomorrow, Ishida,” he said.

  I walked him to the door. After he left, I went to the kitchen and looked at the beer in the fridge. There were five cans of Asahi Super Dry left. I carried them all to the living room. After everything that had happened, I needed a drink.

  Before I could open the first can, someone knocked on the door. Had Honda left something behind? Putting down the beer, I went to see who the late-night visitor was.

  28

  Birthday

  Girl

  Standing alone in the corridor, Seven Stars was still in her school uniform. She held a white plastic bag in her right hand. When our eyes met, she asked, “Can I come in?”

  Before I recovered from the shock of seeing her, she slipped past me into the apartment. She put down her backpack and sat in front of the low table.

  I reluctantly closed the door. “What are you doing here?”

  “Just visiting,” she answered casually, scanning the table. “You drink a lot, don’t you?”

  I ignored her. “I thought we weren’t talking to each other.”

  She glared at me.

  “How did you find out where I live?” I asked.

  “I followed you in a cab. I know Mr. Honda usually drives you home, and I figured I could come over after he dropped you off. But he followed you in today, so I had to wait. The two of you took so long, I nearly froze outside.” She glanced at the beer. “I thought you were discussing important work-related issues. Who would have guessed it was a drinking party?”

  “That’s none of your business.” I walked over to her. “Didn’t you tell me you had severe motion sickness?”

  “I also told you I can manage it, if I want. My mother used to drive me around before she got busy with work. It’s only recently that I more or less stopped riding in cars. My father can’t drive.”

  I turned to her. “Since you came all the way here, I take it that you’re no longer mad?”

  Seven Stars nodded.

  “So everything is good now?”

  Smiling, she nodded again and made a peace sign. “Yup, everything is good.”

  “All right.” I stood up. “Since we’ve made up, you need to get going now. It’s late, and this is a single man’s apartment. You shouldn’t be here.”

  She gave me a cold stare, not moving from her spot.

  “Does your father know where you are? It’s past midnight.” I remembered that her parents had a high-ranking friend in the police force. “For all we know, he might have filed a missing persons report.”

  “Trust me, he hasn’t. This isn’t the first time I’ve come home late, and it won’t be the last, either. I do it often, so relax, okay? Just sit down.” Seven Stars moved the beer to create space on the table. Opening the plastic bag, she took out a white cake box. Inside was a round cheesecake. “Look, Mr. Ishida, I brought you a bribe.”

  “I appreciate the thought, but you really need to leave now.”

  She ignored me and continued talking. “This is the best soufflé cheesecake in the world. You should try it. It’s so light and fluffy, even cheesecake-haters would love it.”

  I scratched my head. This looked really, really bad.

  “Plus today is my birthday,” she said. “You’re not going to chase me out on my birthday, are you?”

  I took a deep breath. “Only today,” I said. “And only because it’s your birthday.”

  She looked pleased. “It’s a deal.”

  I sat at the other end of the table.

  Seven Stars took out a few colorful candles and arranged them on the cake. After putting on the last one, she looked at me and asked, “Can I borrow a lighter?”

  “Aren’t you the one who smokes?” I said.

  She shook her head. “I’ve quit.”

  I thought she was joking, but her expression was serious.

  “Since when?”

  “Today.”

  “What’s the occasion?”

  “It’s my birthday,” she said. “Isn’t that a big enough occasion to stop smoking?”

  “Of course it is. Good for you.”

  I went to the kitchen to look for the lighter—the same one I’d used to burn my sister’s belongings. The fluid was still three-quarters full. Well, I’d hardly used it, after all. I returned to the living room and lit the candles one by one as Seven Stars watched me in excitement.

  “Do you want to sing the happy birthday song?” I asked.

  She laughed and sang aloud. I joined her midway. After the song ended, Seven Stars clasped her hands together. A few seconds passed in silence before she blew out the candles.

  “Happy birthday,” I said.

  She grinned. “Aren’t you going to ask what I wished for?”

  I shook my head. “It’s supposed to be a secret.”

  “I’ll tell you if you ask.”

  I laughed. “I don’t need to know.”

  “If you say so,” she said, shrugging.

  I helped her take the candles off the cake. She took out a plastic cutting knife that had come in the box while I returned to the kitchen to retrieve plates and spoons.

  When I got back, she had tied her hair up. She bent down to plate the cake slices and I got a clear view of the back of her slender neck. My heart raced. I looked away, hoping she hadn’t noticed me staring.

  “Mr. Ishida,” she called, handing me the first plate. “Give it a try.”

  I took the plate from her. The tips of her fingers grazed mine, and I felt tense. Seven Stars started on her slice. I watched her dig her spoon into the cake and bring it to her rosy lips, then set the plate down.

  “Perfect,” she said, chewing happily. “Mr. Ishida, you should eat your cake instead of staring at me.”

  Flustered, I put down my plate and dug my spoon into the cheesecake. What was wrong with me? I took my first bite. The cake was delicious. Smooth and airy, it was the perfect balance of sweet and creamy. “It’s really good,” I said.

  She nodded in agreement and took another bite. Tilting her head, she asked, “Mr. Ishida, do you think I’m pretty?”

  “Yes,” I answered without thinking.

  Her lips curled into a little smile. “Would you believe me if I said I liked you?”

  This girl was messing with me. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

  Seven Stars put her hand on top of mine and looked into my eyes. “I like you, Mr. Ishida.”

  I pulled my hand away. “Don’t joke about things like that. It’s not funny.”

  “I’m serious,” she said. Her voice was soft, almost pleading. “I really, really like you.”

  At a loss for words, I said nothing. I should never have let her in.

  “The least you can do is answer me,” she said.

  I put down my plate and hardened my expression. I had to stop her before things went too far. “What do you want?”

  “I want you to stop seeing me as a child and denying my feelings. I’ve said it already, and I’ll say it again. I like you, and I’m serious about you. Can’t you see me as a woman?”

  I hadn’t been prepared for this. “You want me to treat you like a woman?”

  She glared at me. “I am a woman.”

  Not thinking clearly, I decided to try scaring her off. I grabbed her wrists and pinned her down. The spoon fell from her hand and clattered to the floor.

  “Do you know what
a grown man does to a woman when he’s alone with her?” I asked.

  She freed her wrists, but didn’t try to get away.

  Circling her arms around my neck, she whispered, “We can do that, if you want.”

  “Aren’t you scared?” I asked, my body still on top of hers. “Have you done it before?”

  She shook her head. “No, but I’m not scared, because it’s you.”

  Hearing that, I felt a lump in my throat. No, I couldn’t do this. I got off of her and sat down. “You should go now.”

  A moment of silence passed before she sat up and faced me.

  “What’s wrong with you?” she shouted. “Am I not pretty enough?”

  I sighed. “Of course not. You’re attractive, you already know that. But you’re too young.”

  “Didn’t you say age was only a number?”

  “You’re my student. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Mr. Ishida, just because you’re older than me, that doesn’t mean you get to decide what’s right and wrong.”

  Her tone was cutting, almost hostile. I had to find a way to calm her down.

  I took a deep breath. “You’re confused. Your feelings for me are just because I happen to be around, and acting hastily on them will ruin your life. Trust me, this isn’t the real thing, and you’ll get over it.”

  “Why don’t you teach me what the real thing is?”

  “Stop it, this has gone too far,” I told her sternly. I had to cut this off before we hurt each other further. “No more. End of discussion.”

  Seven Stars bit her lower lip and stared at the wall. I wondered if she was about to cry. I hadn’t meant to be so harsh, but lenience would create an opening, and I couldn’t afford that. Now, all that was left was to ask her to leave. I could call her a taxi, just to make sure she would get home safe.

  The next thing I knew, she leaned toward me, and our lips touched. Surprised by her spontaneity, I froze for a moment, but my desire soon took over. I let her tongue slip into my mouth and touched her hair as she gave a sensual murmur.

  Hadn’t she told me she’d never had a boyfriend? But she was such a good kisser, I felt as if I was being dragged into a raging sea storm, with no chance of escape. I let the waves pull me down, deeper and deeper into pleasure.