Goodnight, Elsie

by Tony Apperley

  Frank agreed with that, he didn’t want to know them, he was just inquiring about how to go shopping for drugs. He wouldn’t do it. If he needed any, then it seemed like Dave was the one to ask. He was seeing a different side to his neighbor now. Frank thought about it and started to wonder why the few people he had spoken to about his thoughts seemed so eager to help.

  He wondered if they did really want to help Elsie or if they just wanted to be part of the action, but without legal consequences. If they supported his actions, then they could talk about it to other people but not be blamed for her death. He wondered if it had become socially acceptable to take the life of an elderly, frail woman who couldn’t take care of herself. If it had become acceptable, he was not sure where society was heading if helping someone to die was considered doing someone a favor. He really was in two minds about this. What seemed right also seemed wrong. The part of him that wanted to end her suffering was still in conflict with the part of him that would never do anything to harm her. There were social, moral, legal, and spiritual connotations he had to consider. He thought about what Ivan had said about God, would God help him do this? He didn’t think so; his thoughts didn’t have any Godly motivation at all.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  It was now nine months since Elsie had been hit by the car and gotten diagnosed. As time moved on, Frank had begun thinking long and hard about what he may need to do, he knew the time was approaching when he would need to make a decision. The last few years, and especially the last few months, had been taking their toll on him. He was deeply tired and distressed although publicly no one could tell he was feeling that way. But both Doctor Bailey and Ivan could tell as they knew how to look deeper than just an external appearance. Externally, he was just the same as he had always been, that being a solid and stable individual in control of his life. But in reality he wasn’t in control, the pressures on him had been swaying him so the once solid and stable Frank Herbert was now confused about what he should do. His daily thoughts were about his wife’s illness and the future prospects concerning where they were to live or whether they were to live at all. His thoughts about whether it was fair on her to allow her to suffer were dominating his daily thoughts even more than they previously were. So he now had to get serious about her future, was she going to go into care, or go to the afterlife? And if she was to pass on soon, would he go with her?

  It was difficult for him as he was constantly aware of how far she had been slipping away mentally; she felt gone from him now. And because she was now physically handicapped, it didn’t seem fair to let her live as a prisoner in her own home. Also, it was hard for him to see his once stable and active wife now inactive and unstable. Although part of that was her shutting herself down as she was bored and didn’t have any mental stimulus. Life to her was dull now, so there was no reason to get enthusiastic or excited about anything.

  With the opposing opinions about what should be done he now knew it was to be his call and his alone, no more outside opinions were welcome. He had heard both sides of the argument regarding what he should do. There were as many reasons why she should go into care as there were reasons why she should be put down, but he still felt she wasn’t a pet. But he also still felt he shouldn’t let her suffer, but was she really suffering? He was aware he needed to decide which side of the fence he was on, and to decide soon. By not deciding what action to take, he was allowing things to progress in their own way, until perhaps they got out of hand and she got taken from him. Without him doing anything to the house now and not often going out other than to get groceries, he was becoming withdrawn himself. He had nothing to overly stimulate his own mind anymore. All his thoughts were what he should do for her, which meant it would affect him as well.

  Dave came over to see him one sunny afternoon several days later and said, “I made contact with an old friend I hung out with years ago who said he could get you some morphine. He can get a much as you want. He can also get a syringe which comes with a needle, still unused, in a hygienic package. So if you want it, it’s out there for you. He doesn’t sell to strangers, so you have to get it through me. I can’t tell you who he is or where he gets it from. I don’t actually know where he gets it from; I don’t want to know too much about his dealing. I’m just doing this to help you. It won’t be cheap though, but that’s the way the market works.”

  Frank said, “okay then, how much do you think I’ll need? Would two vials be enough? I don’t know how much is in a vial, if so I’ll go for that.”

  Dave looked pleased with that, “yes, two should do the job. It’s cash up front on this deal so when you’re ready, come and see me and we’ll talk dollars. We can’t talk about it here, this is Elsie’s home, come to my place when you’re ready to get them and we’ll discuss the deal in more detail.”

  Frank was wondering where Dave’s friend would get it from. If it wasn’t street drugs, then there must be a shady doctor or pharmacist out there somewhere, that wouldn’t be good. He didn’t like that. But then that didn’t seem right, he couldn’t see the medical profession illegally dealing in drugs. Maybe they were street drugs but he was just naive about such things. Perhaps it was just Dave saying they were hard to get in order to bump up the price. But nevertheless there was a supply out there if he needed it. He had no idea how much was in a vial, so he hoped it would be enough.

  Several days later Frank went next door to see Dave, now his drug dealer. As normal, he just knocked on the door and went in. When he entered their home, Julie seemed pleased to see him. He was surprised at Julie’s reaction to him; she acted as if he were a customer. He had thought it was a secret deal between himself and Dave, he hadn’t figured on Julie being involved at all. Julie looked at him as if he was Santa Claus bringing presents. “Hi there Frank, take a seat and I’ll bring you coffee and a snack.”

  Frank replied, “no thanks, I’ll take a seat, but I’m not hungry, and I don’t need coffee. I’ve backed off that now; I don’t drink much of it anymore.”

  A few moments later, Dave came in and smiled at him. “Hi, are you here to talk business? If you are, I have a scheme worked out where you could get your supply on credit, come on through.” He led Frank into the sitting room, which was partially divided into an office area where they did their computing. Dave had him sit near the desk as he sat in his armchair not far away. “I have a suggestion for you. My friend said he would supply you morphine on credit if you took note of the layout at your doctor’s surgery. All you have to do is tell me where everything is, then I’ll pass that on to him. We know you wouldn’t be aware where the medicine cabinets are or the security they use to protect them but you must have noticed where the overhead cameras are. You also know the overall floor plan so just tell me all you know and I’ll pass it on.”

  Frank wasn’t going to be a part of that, this didn’t sound good. He just wanted the morphine to help Elsie, he wasn’t about to embark on a life of crime or aid those already involved in such things. Nor would he betray the medical team he had been seeing for over thirty years. He said sternly, “no Dave. I won’t be a part of that. Who do you think you’re talking to? You know I don’t do that sort of thing, it’s not my game, and I won’t play. If you have what I need then I’ll buy it with cash. I don’t mind being a customer just this once but I’ll never be a partner in this type of action. I’ve lived a clean, legal life; I’m not going to change that. Just because I want some morphine doesn’t mean I’ll ever get involved with the crowd you know, it’s not my scene and never will be. So tell me the cost and I’ll get you the cash.”

  Julie was within earshot so heard the conversation. She entered into the room and said, “what you want will be here sometime next week. We won’t say which day or what time, it will just arrive at some point during the week. Talk to Dave about the financial side of things and I’ll make a couple of phone calls on your behalf.”

  As she left the room, Frank wondered if she was the one who Dave had been talking of when h
e said his friend could supply it. She had a manner he hadn’t noticed before, like she was the boss and Dave was working for her. The fact that she was making the calls suggested to him that it was her associates that would supply him; he definitely wanted no part of this other than to make the purchase. They discussed the amount and what Frank would receive then Frank assured him he would have the cash on hand when it arrived. He then left; he felt he didn’t want to know any more than what he had already heard. He wondered if he really knew his neighbors at all, perhaps all the years they had lived next door to each other they were living in different worlds. There were times he had noticed Julie’s car go out late at night, he hadn’t thought much of it, but now he was wondering if perhaps she had a night job picking up or delivering supplies.

  The days seemed to pass quickly with both Frank and Elsie living their lives the same as usual. There was a knock on the door one evening and Dave walked in, he didn’t have much to say as Elsie was with Frank.

  He just said, “Hi there, you two, Frank, can I see you at home for a while, there’s something you need to see.” He gave Frank a knowing look as he left.

  Frank went next door to see him shortly afterwards, after getting the cash he had hidden. As he entered their home, he was warmly greeted again by Julie, she then walked away as Dave took him outside to the garage. Frank noticed the tools he had given him were still where they had been placed, not moved, or used.

  Dave unlocked a large metal cabinet. “I have your goods here for you.” He reached into the cabinet, and withdrew a large old transistor radio; he then pulled off the back of it and withdrew the stash. It was obviously not screwed together as the whole back came off, not just the battery cover. He handed it to Frank as Frank handed him an envelope full of cash. Dave then said, “well things worked out well didn’t they? I just did this for you as a favor, the money’s not mine. Let me show you what you just bought.” He took the package off Frank and undid it. “Here you are, two vials of morphine and a hypodermic. The syringe is large as you can see; it’ll take both vials at once. You have what you need now, so now you have some choices to make. There’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask you. What will happen to your house when you pass on? If you have no one to leave it to, Julie and I would love it.” Dave knew the amount of morphine he had just handed Frank could easily take two lives. It may not be enough for younger stronger healthier people but for Frank and Elsie it would work.

  Frank answered cautiously, “I’ve not decided on anything to do with our home, no need to just yet. There’s plenty of time for that as I’m not too old yet and I’m not sick, so that’s not a concern at the moment.” He thought he had worked out Dave’s motivation for helping him, Dave wanted his home. Maybe that was why Julie was acting the way she was, maybe not but it could have been on her mind. Dave gave the opened package back to Frank and led him outside; he didn’t invite him in as Frank now had an illegal drug supply in his hand.

  When Frank got home, he went to the cupboard he had previously organized so he could hide his purchase. He had rearranged a cupboard in such a way as to confuse Elsie if she ever went into it. But he doubted that she would ever bother to open it. He thought that perhaps he could put a lock on it, he had the tools and the knowledge to do that, he also had a latch and a padlock in his work station in the garage. Having given away all his serious tools, he only had a few screw drivers and a hand saw left, but they were enough to do the job.

  He went and sat beside Elsie to enjoy her company, but she wasn’t happy with him being that close. They sat apart lately as Elsie needed her own space and would get annoyed if he was too close to her. It didn’t matter in bed as she tended to go to sleep quickly, but sitting she liked her own space. The evening wore on as usual, Elsie reading while Frank watched the TV, then he went into the study to use his computer to search the Internet. He was becoming a fan of it now; he realized there was so much knowledge out there about any subject he could think of. He also often looked at hardware supplies and cars. So he would look at things for hours at a time. Once he would have preferred to spend his time with his wife. But as she didn’t often get involved in conversations and remained engrossed in either her reading or the TV, it felt like he lived alone. Even if she wasn’t reading or watching TV, she would generally not have much to say. So the computer had now become his companion.

  While Elsie sat in her favorite chair flicking through her magazines, her mind wasn’t really focusing on them. She was feeling sore in her bones so sitting wasn’t very comfortable. She was more like a robot than a human lately, she just did what she was programmed to do, but it was her that had programmed herself to do that. Later in the evening, she went into the study to say goodnight. “I’m tired, I’m going to bed. Night Frank.”

  Frank looked at her with a deep thoughtful expression. “Goodnight Elsie, I’ll be in soon.” A little while later, Frank went to check on her; she was asleep. He liked the look of her lying there, looking peaceful. He then went to have a better look at his purchase.

  When Frank looked at his stash, it dawned on him where he was at now. He could end all this quickly if he chose to.

  He had the morphine and the syringe, but could he actually do it? Should he actually do it? The situation had changed for him now. He now felt he was in total control and could decide their future. He could kill her, or himself, or both of them at the same time. It was his call now, but what was he to do?

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Frank had spent many days and nights lately aware of his secret stash of death. He was unsure as to whether he was indeed the stable one or not. Having a supply of medical drugs he obtained illegally in order to kill his wife, and maybe himself, was not the way Frank Herbert would normally behave. He wondered how many others in the world had a secret stash of death tucked away somewhere out of sight; he assumed there wouldn’t many who were in the same situation he was in. Those that were probably didn’t have an illegal supply of medical drugs hidden in their home while they considered killing the one they loved, or did they? Maybe this situation was not as uncommon as he thought it was. He was not too comfortable with this. He had the means to do the job but hadn’t done it yet, if he hadn’t done it, or wouldn’t do it, then why would he have an illegal drug supply in his home? He felt it was getting to the point where he needed to either use it or throw it away. Simply knowing it was there was disturbing him. He knew he had better decide what to do, and decide soon. It could sit in the cupboard for months, or even years, that wouldn’t help her. And if it could indeed be years that it sat there, then was it really the right time to use it now? And would it still work if it was stored for too long, many things have expiration dates. But as his supply came from a shady source, there was no use-by date on it. There were no labels to indicate where it had come from or who manufactured it, no codes, or serial numbers at all. He wondered if it really was morphine, he could have been sold anything but he wouldn’t know. Not being one with a drug history, either medically or illegally, he had no idea what a vial of morphine actually looked like. And without labels on it, he could have bought himself something really nasty, they may kill but not gently. Or even worse, they may not kill but have a huge negative impact on their bodies that may put them in a worse situation than they were in now. But then they may indeed do the job quickly and efficiently without pain or discomfort.

  He sat alone in the sitting room late one night thinking about all that had been said to him. Ivan had mentioned God, but what if God wasn’t true and didn’t exist? But then what if he did exist and was true? But then what if he was true, but didn’t judge, condemn, or even care what we did in this life? But if he was real, and he did judge, and we have to stand accountable for our actions, but we didn’t know the savior who died in order to save us, then would we even get to stand before him? Or would our spiritual path be away from the light into the darkness? He thought that wouldn’t be so bad, an eternity of lonely darkness. But what then if hell was real also an
d that was where he went? Now that was a bloodcurdling thought. Maybe it was time to get to know his savior; some of the hymns he had sung over the years seemed to be rolling round inside his head lately, occasionally he would catch himself unconsciously softly humming them.

  If when he died he came face to face with God, how would he fare if he had to stand accountable for his actions? The Ten Commandments mention “thou shall not kill.” Although he was no holy roller Pentecostal Christian, he did have some believe in God. Even if it was just a basic believe that he sometimes doubted, it was enough to make him question his motives and actions. But then even the predictable, traditional churches felt the same way. All the churches thought the same way about it, and so did the law. If he ignored all that and threw out his belief, then maybe he wouldn’t have to stand accountable. Maybe if he didn’t accept God, then when he died he would simply cease to exist. But then what if there was such a place as heaven but he couldn’t enter? That would mean there was also a hell where they would welcome him. That would be a welcome he wouldn’t want. So if he took his own life was that killing? It would be if he took her life. But if she took her own life, then he would be innocent of any wrong doing. Although getting the drugs, filling the syringe and handing to her, and perhaps aiding her to inject herself, wouldn’t make him innocent of anything at all, he would indeed stand accountable for that. But she wasn’t up to that anyway, she wouldn’t do it to herself. So that was another thought. If she wouldn’t do it herself, then was doing it for her really being loyal and faithful?