You Are So Undead to Me

by Stacey Jay

  "No," I said, digging into my extra-large cup, wondering if I could eat my way to a size six in less than a week. "But I think the guy is lying so he won't get in trouble for giving someone my dress without the claim slip."

  "Well, since you still have the claim slip…"

  I grimaced around a bite of white chocolate mousse. "I threw it out. I never keep them; I just give them our phone number."

  "Hmm… okay, so whoever stole your dress must know your phone number too."

  "You're right," I said, following Jess as she turned back toward school. We only had about ten minutes before the pom squad clinic, so we had to walk while we scarfed yogurt. "And we're unlisted, so that would narrow it down a lot. Man, why didn't I think of that before?"

  I should totally have asked Jess for help earlier. She wasn't in the Honor Society or any of the advanced classes, but she was way more gifted than I was when it came to good old common sense.

  "But wait, don't get too excited. Didn't you write your phone number on the sign-up sheet for pom tryouts last week?"

  "Crap, I did." And those had been up on the gymnasium bulletin board, where anyone could see them. Back to square one.

  Well, not exactly square one. Since Sunday, I'd added another suspect to my list. Oddly enough, Mrs. Pierce had made the cut when she still couldn't find my journal by Monday morning. Not only had she allegedly "lost" my list of suspects, she'd also proceeded to give me the third degree about homecoming.

  Was I going? Was I sure I had a reliable ride? Did it seem smart to waste time at a dance when I was falling behind on my studies? It was just… weird, and enough to get her added to my new list-which I kept safely out of sight during English, of course.

  Still, there was only one real suspect in my mind. And now I totally had a motive for her. I couldn't believe I hadn't figured out why Monica might want to ruin homecoming earlier. But then, it wasn't until the homecoming court was announced at school on Tuesday that the lightbulb illuminated.

  For the first time in her entire high school career, the Monicster was not one of the homecoming princesses.

  Neither was Beth Phillips, Josh's ex. Instead, the senior class princesses consisted of London, her friend Alana, and two of the biggest nerds in the entire school. The football and the basketball team had banded together to vote in the nerds, thinking it would be a hysterical senior prank.

  So far, however, no one was amused. Not the nerd girls and definitely not Beth or Monica. Beth was actually crying in the girls' locker room after school on Tuesday as we changed into our dance clothes for the second day of pom tryouts, and Monica…

  Well, Monica had looked ready to kill someone. Maybe several someones.

  If she'd somehow gotten a look at the voting results before the announcement-which was entirely possible since she was on the student council and they were the ones who counted the votes-then she could totally have been responsible for the attacks on Josh, Ethan, and my homecoming dress. She wasn't a princess and therefore couldn't be voted homecoming queen, so she'd probably decided to sic a few Reanimated Corpses on the gym and ruin the dance and didn't want me there to sic the RCs back on her with the reverto spell.

  She was whacked enough to kill, I was sure of it. Anyone who had ever been on the receiving end of one of her arctic glares could see that, and she would consider Josh expendable now that he wasn't dating one of her best friends. I could imagine her sending an RC his way and not feeling an ounce of remorse, and God knew she had no love for me or my poor dress.

  The attack on Ethan was a little harder to justify since they really were good friends, but Monica had been right there to hear him say he was taking me to the dance. She definitely wouldn't have wanted two Settlers at homecoming, and she knew Ethan could handle himself well enough to fend off one RC. Especially if it was already on fire and thus could be completely incinerated by a flame spell without much effort.

  Basically, all things considered, I would have been ready to approach Ethan and the Elders with my suspicions but for two things: One, Monica had been at dance practice the entire time Ethan and I had been at Sonic, and therefore I couldn't figure out how she could have summoned the zombie wearing my homecoming dress from its grave, let alone stuffed it into my dress. And two, I knew the whole "not a single case in Settler history of a Settler using black magic" thing would make the Elders completely unwilling to see the situation with Monica clearly.

  I could, however, totally see Monica being the first Settler to go bad. She was exceptionally evil.

  "Wow, Megan. Do you know how many calories are in an extra large?" The first words to greet us as we entered the gym were enough to give me acid reflux. "I mean, it's fat free, not sugar free. Better watch it or you won't fit into any of the uniforms even if you do make the squad."

  Think of the she-devil and she shall appear. "Thanks, Monica. I really appreciate your concern," I said, my tone so sweet it could have caused a diabetic to go into shock.

  "Sure thing. Anytime." She smiled and I smiled back, wishing I had the guts to growl at her instead.

  But I couldn't afford an attitude. Tryouts were Friday, only three days away, and I had to make the team. It was what Jess and I had been dreaming about for years, and I wasn't going to give the Monicster any excuse to blacklist me-or amp up her RC attacks. Mustn't forget about that. This wasn't only my future of pom-pom shaking that was at risk, but possibly my life as well.

  "Someone should shoot that girl and put us all out of our misery," Jess whispered as soon as Monica was out of range.

  I laughed as I threw away the last of my yogurt. Only Monica could make Jess's claws come out. "You ready to go in?"

  "Yeah, just two more bites. I need calories if I'm going to dance for an hour and a half," Jess said,. shoveling in another bite. "So, seriously, you have no idea who might have stolen your dress?"

  "Not really. I mean, I sort of thought maybe Beth might hate me because of the whole Josh thing, but I mean, it's not like anything really happened between me and Josh," I said, hating that I couldn't tell Jess everything. "He's still cool in chemistry, but it's obvious he heard about the Ethan thing, so there's no more flirting."

  "The Ethan thing?" Jess smiled. "Does your boyfriend know you call him a thing?"

  "You know what I mean," I said, trying to laugh it off but failing. It just felt so wrong to be lying to Jess about anything but especially something as important as who I was dating.

  Or not dating. Ethan was back on babysitting duty and had, in fact, probably been watching me and Jess as we walked to TCBY and back again, but nothing else was going on with us. Our tutoring sessions were apparently over, and he seemed to be doing his best not to spend any more time with me than absolutely necessary. That meant he drove me to school and home and stayed parked on the couch until Dad and Mom got home from work to take over the babysitting.

  Since I was pissed at him, his lack of interest shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. A lot.

  "You look sad." Jess, perceptive as always. "Is there something going on with you and Ethan? A fight or something?"

  "No, it's fine. We're fine." I smiled, trying to look like one half of a happy couple.

  "You don't look fine. You especially don't look like you're dating one of the hottest guys I've ever seen in real life."

  I laughed for real. "He is hot, the jerk."

  Jess smiled. "See there, I knew it. He's being a jerk. Well, tell him just because he looks like he walked out of an Abercrombie ad doesn't mean he gets to treat my best friend like crap."

  "He's not treating me like crap. It's just… it's complicated." God, I wished I could tell Jess the truth: that Ethan was my fake boyfriend and probably not even that for very much longer. By Friday this would all be over, one way or another.

  Not only was homecoming Friday night, it was also the night of the full moon. That alone made it a good night for bad magic since the full moon added power to all kinds of casting. But my Googling on Monday had also re
vealed there would be a lunar eclipse occurring at approximately nine fifty-eight that evening.

  According to the third-stage book I'd filched from the Closet early Tuesday morning, lunar eclipses meant major energy mojo for black-magic practitioners. If whoever was raising the Reanimated Corpses was planning something big, Friday would be the night to do it, whether or not CHS homecoming was involved. Though I still knew it was, no matter that the powers that be thought my theory was ridiculous.

  "So is Ethan upset about you guys not going to the dance?" Jess asked, eerily taking up where my thoughts had left off. How did she do that?

  "Why would he be upset about that?" I turned to head into the gym and Jess followed.

  "I mean, I know he's in college and all, but he seemed kind of excited to go last week. Are you sure you aren't thinking about going? I mean, couldn't you find another dress?"

  I stopped dead in my tracks and turned to look at my best friend. Why was she so curious about whether or not I secretly planned to go to the dance with Ethan? I'd told her and everyone else I was staying home. What did Jess have to gain or lose if I didn't show up at homecoming? Could she possibly have a motive for-

  "I mean," she began, her expression mildly tortured, "I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know if you and Ethan had other plans, but I was thinking maybe you and I could hang out. Just veg and eat junk food and watch old movies all night or something?"

  Oh man. I was such a jerk. Here I'd been on my way to adding my best friend to my list of suspects. I sucked. Really, really hard.

  Thankfully, I had a good idea of how to redeem myself.

  "I love you," I said, hugging Jess impulsively. "You're the best best friend."

  "Thanks. You too."

  "But I know Kyle asked you to the dance today," I said. "I heard him talking about it in study hall. Didn't you tell him yes?"

  "No, I haven't said yes or no yet. But I-" She broke off, and I could tell she was trying to think of some plausible reason she would refuse a date with a total cutie to hang out with her lame, no-dress-having girlfriend. "He's just so tall, and I'm so short. We'd look funny together, don't you think? I can tell him I have other plans."

  "You do not have other plans! You're going with Kyle and…" Hell, I was tired of hiding from whatever freak was out to get me. Time to turn the tables! "And I'll find something to wear and we'll double."

  "Really?" she asked, giving me a look. "Are you sure? It could be fun-"

  "To stay home and miss the dance? No way. Doubling will be great. And I'm sure Ethan won't mind."

  "Well… okay. I-"

  "Um, if you two are done lesboing out, we're getting ready to start," Monica interrupted.

  "I think we're done. Are you done, Jess?"

  Jess paused, considering the question. "Um, yeah. For now." Beth Phillips and a few of the other girls laughed as we joined the lineup behind the seniors. I felt better than I had since this whole Josh-Ethan-homecoming tiling started. I wasn't going to be the two-timer everyone hated for the rest of my life!

  Now all I had to do was make sure everyone at the clinic today knew I was back on for homecoming and the news would spread from there. Sooner or later, it would reach the ears I was aiming for, and this time I'd be ready.

  I was going to flush out the person responsible for the attacks before they had the chance to ruin homecoming or any of my friendships. I'd nearly started suspecting Jess, and that degree of paranoia was unforgivable.

  There would be no more chickening out. I wasn't having any luck hunting for clues, so I'd make the clues come to me. Even if they came in the form of another RC, I could handle myself. I was Megan Berry, full-on second-stage Settler, with all the training I needed to send a Reanimated Corpse packing.

  They could bring it. Because I wasn't afraid anymore.

  Okay… so I was a little bit afraid, but a little fear was good. It would keep me on my toes.

  I focused on the dance routines, and the rest of the hour and a half flew by. I was actually feeling pretty relaxed by the time we finished up and hit the locker room to change. So relaxed, in fact, that I was totally unprepared to be blindsided by an unholy trinity of angry senior girls.

  "Megan, could you come here a second?" London was leaning against her locker, with Alana and Beth flanking her on either side. None of them looked happy.

  "Sure, what's up?" I asked, shoving my gym clothes in my bag as I crossed the room.

  "That's what I was going to ask you," London said. "What do you think you're doing, changing your mind about bringing Ethan to homecoming?" Wow, news really did spread fast. "I mean, aren't you embarrassed?"

  "Um, about what?" I asked, playing dumb.

  "About leading Josh on when you were already going out with someone," Alana said, her tone making it clear I was a lower life form.

  "Ethan and I weren't really going out. I mean, we were sort of dating, but not seriously," I said, wincing at how lame I sounded. I was such a bad liar! "So, you know, I thought it would be okay to-"

  "Okay to what? Act like a skank?" Beth asked, her nose squinching as if she were offended by my scent. "Listen, Josh and I aren't together anymore, but I still care about him. I can't believe you're doing this."

  "Yeah, it's really messed up," Alana agreed.

  Jeez, what was with these girls? It was like they were stuck in the 1960s or something. Even if I had been dating Josh and Ethan at the same time, so what? If it wasn't serious with either one of them, I had the right to date both and not be treated like I'd committed a crime against girls everywhere.

  But then again, this wasn't a crime against just any girls. It was a crime against the popular girls. They didn't like the idea of some sophomore nobody choosing another guy over one of their own. I had offended the social order of CHS, and now… I was obviously going to pay.

  "So do you want to rethink this issue?" London asked, blue eyes wide.

  "Listen, I really am sorry; I didn't mean to upset anyone," I said, thinking fast. "But Josh isn't even going to be at the dance, right? I mean, with his leg broken he can't-"

  "Is that why you ditched him? Because he got hurt?" Beth asked, obviously angry. "What a shallow, selfish little-"

  "Josh and I are going as friends, so he'll be there," Alana said, interrupting Beth, who looked ready to tear my hair out.

  What the hell was up with her? She obviously wasn't over Josh, which bumped her higher on the list of my potential suspects. If she was this angry in public, what might she be doing in private? She had seen me at Sonic with Ethan and had had plenty of time and opportunity to get to a graveyard before we got home to my house. And she was a really good artist. She was always placing in the state competitions, so she was totally capable of making realistic representations of people to use as totems.

  But if she was still in love with Josh, why would she send a zombie to kill him? It didn't make sense.

  "So I really think it would be more pleasant for you if you didn't bring Ethan." London reached over and pressed soft fingers to my elbow, and I tried not to shiver. Her energy really creeped me out. It could have been just normal bitchy vibes, or it could have been that I was sensing some of her dark power. Maybe London was in on this too… for some reason I couldn't fathom.

  God, I was really taking the crazy train to Paranoiaville. That was why I had to stick to my guns and my plan to draw the real culprit.

  "I'm going to bring Ethan," I said, smoothly detaching from London's grasp. "But I'll call Josh to apologize and make sure it's okay with him first."

  "That's the least you could do," Beth said, obviously not truly placated. "I still think you shouldn't go."

  "But it's your choice," London said with a shrug. "We're just trying to make sure no one on our squad gets a bad rep. You're really talented, Megan, so it's pretty given you'll be one of us by Friday night."

  "Yeah, and we haven't even seen your optional dance," Alana said. "Kayla said you and Jess have a routine that's hot enough to
raise the dead."

  My blood chilled several degrees and goose bumps broke out on my arms.

  Raise the dead? Who would say that if they didn't happen to know I worked with zombies in my spare time? Did Alana know? Did they all know? I was going to lose my mind if I didn't get to the bottom of this!

  "I hope so. We, um, worked really hard on it," I said, backing away from the seniors, really needing my space all of a sudden. "So I'll see you tomorrow."

  "Right. See you," Beth said, her normally pretty face pinched and unhappy looking. London and Alana seemed a little more chill, but the vibes all three were giving out were not good.

  No matter what they'd said about my dancing ability, I couldn't help but think I'd won myself three anti-Megan votes. And for what? So I could lure a psychopath into attacking me again? I so needed therapy or an intervention or something.

  Hopefully I'd still be alive to get my head in a better place when all of this was over.

  CHAPTER 10

  Ethan had mysteriously disappeared by the time I left the gym, and Mom was waiting for me in the parking lot. She usually had Wednesdays off from her job at the Arkansas Agriculture Commission, where she did… something with seeds. Sorting them or measuring them or… something.

  I never really understood what Mom did the way I understood Dad's aircraft maintenance work but figured that was fine. I knew enough to know I didn't want to follow in her footsteps. Call me crazy, but sorting seeds sounded about as stimulating as organizing my sock drawer.

  Still, Mom looovvved it.

  She jabbered on and on about some hybrid seed they were working on while I did my best not to think about Ethan or give in to the temptation to ask where he'd gone. Probably to visit his real girlfriend or something really collegiate and important.