Vampires Need Not...Apply?: An Accidentally Yours Novel (The Accidentally Yours Series)

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Reason number three: they drink blood.

  Yes, but many creatures live on blood: mosquitos, flees, Cimil’s unicorn…

  Okay, skip that reason.

  New reason number three: vampires are violent.

  Speaking of violent, she paused outside the hand-carved double doors adorned with the Mayan sun on one side and the Mayan calendar on the other. Phew, no screaming. Not yet, anyway. Her brethren were such an unruly lot.

  Ixtab pushed open the doors of the giant Mayan-esque meeting chamber decorated with hieroglyphs, a big screen TV, and fourteen thrones seated around a large stone slab table. Eight frowns immediately greeted her, the only smile coming from Penelope who, like usual, wore a plain tee and a pair of jeans with her dark hair pulled back into a sleek bun. “Hey, Suicide. We’re just getting started.”

  “Ixtab. The name is Ixtab.” She curled her fists and took the thrown baring her Mayan glyph toward the middle of the table. Damn, she hated this chair. It depicted her with giant, pointy nipples, a noose around her neck, and decaying cheeks.

  Stupid Mayans, nooses are so last baktun. “And my nipples are cute and perky,” she grumbled.

  “Um. Thanks for sharing?” Penelope looked around the room. “Anyone else like to share a description of their nipples before we get started?” Penelope shot a glance toward the end of the table. “It’s a rhetorical question, Belch. Put your hand down.”

  He slowly removed his greasy palm from the air and wiped it down the front of his green Puma sweatshirt. As usual, he had his dark brown hair styled with a nonflattering bedhead look. “I wore pantsss today,” he slurred proudly.

  “Actually,” Ixtab pointed out, “those are called underwear. And they’re not even men’s underwear.”

  “But they are spectacular,” Mistress of Bees added. “Who knew they made thongsss in transparent plastic?”

  As usual, Bees wore a large living hive atop her head and something beeish. Today, it was a tight yellow bodysuit that hugged the curves of her tall, athletic body.

  Belch glanced around the chamber. “When did I leavvve the costume party?” He shrugged and then took a swig from his supersized Playboy tankard.

  “Okeydokey, then.” Penelope picked up her official Ruler of the House of Gods writing tablet—now an iPad instead of stone since she’d insisted the gods start upgrading their technology—and took roll call. Present were Acan, God of Intoxication and Wine (aka Belch); Ah-Ciliz, God of Solar Eclipses (aka A.C.); Akna, Goddess of Fertility; Camaxtli, Goddess of the Hunt (aka Fate); Colel Cab, Mistress of Bees; K’ak and Zac Cimi, who had yet to find their special gifts, but were quite powerful physically and very popular with the ladies; and last but not least, the Goddess of Forgetfulness. Sadly, no one ever remembered her name and Penelope forgot to count her, as usual.

  Missing were Chaam, the God of Male Virility; Kinich, ex–God of the Sun and recently turned vampire; Votan, God of Death and War (aka Guy); Cimil, the ex–Goddess of the Underworld; and the One No One Spoke Of, more affectionately referred to as Máax, which meant “Who?” in Mayan. Ixtab really missed the stubborn bastard, but what was done was done.

  Penelope then moved to setting the agenda. Unanimous votes passed to discuss the news of this mysterious tablet and some physicist named Antonio Acero. The topic of Emma’s evil Maaskab grandmother would be postponed until later; her survival after Penelope’s Maaskab BBQ special was uncertain.

  “I wish to discuss the fate of Kinich,” Zac said acrimoniously.

  Penelope glared at him. “What’s to discuss?”

  Ixtab felt the negative energy spike through the thinning ozone. Here we go. Everyone knew that Zac loved Penelope, and though she tried to hide it—no doubt because of her deep love for Kinich—Penelope felt some attraction for Zac, too. Like the other gods, Zac was tall, recklessly handsome (by mortal standards, not Ixtab standards), well built, and quite sharp. His only shortcoming was that he hadn’t discovered his gift. Yet. Although Ixtab and the others suspected he was the God of Love.

  Lucky bastard.

  “He attacked you—our leader,” Zac said. “This is an offense punishable by death or permanent banishment in the case of a deity.”

  Penelope gasped, and the other gods protested vehemently. Point being, Kinich was no longer a deity so that meant death.

  Zac’s icy blue-green eyes swept the room. “Are you denying Kinich has broken the law? Or that he is a danger to Penelope?” He looked straight at Ixtab. “What say you, sister?”

  That’s an easy one, you lame ass. “We should discuss Kinich,” Ixtab replied. “But how to help, not how to punish him.”

  Zac scowled and took his seat while voting concluded. Death or punishment of any sort would be off the table, but Kinich’s fate would be reviewed.

  “All right.” Penelope clicked her pen and flashed an annoyed look at Zac. “I bring the first topic to order: Dr. Antonio Acero and the tablet.”

  An Uchben soldier entered the room and passed a folder to Penelope. She nodded and placed it on the table. “Thank you.”

  “What is that?” Zac asked.

  Penelope shook her head but wouldn’t make eye contact. “We’ll discuss it in a minute. And stop stepping out of protocol.”

  Zac’s eyes narrowed at Penelope. “Is this the response you would give to Kinich? If he were here, that is, instead of our jail for trying to murder you?”

  Ixtab sighed. This situation was a ticking love triangle waiting to explode. She wished a male would love her enough to behave like a complete ass. Or not die when she touched him by accident. Either-or.

  Ixtab mentally right hooked herself. Dammit! Get over it. But that was easier said than done. Perhaps because time hadn’t dulled the effects of murdering her soul mate.

  You don’t know that Francisco was your soul mate. And you promised not to think about him anymore. It’s a new baktun, it’s a new you…

  “Where was I?” Penelope said. “Oh yeah. The Maaskab tablet discovered by Helena and her vampires. Has anyone heard of it?”

  Fate was the first to speak. “The Mayan had many sacred tablets. They recorded their most valuable secrets on them.”

  Penelope pulled out copies of several ancient texts from a folder on the table. “Well, supposedly this one is made from black jade and had more than just secrets. I’ve been researching our records; it’s believed to have the power to open a portal to any dimension. If that’s true, then we could free Votan, Niccolo, and our men.”

  Interesting… How had this tablet existed without the gods’ knowledge? Ixtab wondered.

  “You are not getting anywhere near it,” Zac stated coldly. “So do not think of proposing to do so.”

  Pen glared at him and then looked at Ixtab. “That’s where you come in.”

  Me? They need me? Ixtab felt her spine straighten a little. “How?”

  Penelope threw down the file. “Meet Dr. Antonio Acero. World-renowned physicist from MIT, heir to Spain’s wealthiest family, current owner of the tablet, and the only being on the planet capable of unlocking it. That we know of.”

  “Why does he possessss the tablet?” Bees asked, blowing kisses to a tiny bee on the tip of her finger.

  Penelope’s mouth twisted with disgust as she watched. “We don’t know how he got it, but we think he’s trying to make a name for himself in the scientific community. Unfortunately, he refuses to work with us and money won’t entice him. Neither will threats. Everyone who’s attempted contact says he’s stubborn, arrogant, and rude. Anyway, Helena and her vampires have been keeping close tabs on him. They were about to resort to glamouring him, but something happened during an experiment and he triggered an explosion. The good news is he’ll live. Bad news is he lost his sight.”

  All heads swiveled toward Ixtab.

  “Why are you looking at me? I can’t cure blindness,” she said.

  “Mr. Acero’s physician,” Penelope explained, “is one of our undercover Uchben. She suspects his condition has so
mething to do with the tablet’s dark energy and may be reversible. In the meantime, he’s extremely… unhappy and refusing to continue his work.”

  “So you want me to fix him?” Ixtab asked, wondering if he deserved saving. Accident aside, he didn’t sound like a very nice person. In fact, he sounded like a snobby, rich playboy who might deserve the hand he’d gotten.

  “Can you do it, Ixtab?” Penelope asked.

  Ixtab scratched her forehead through the itchy veil. She hated toying with anything Maaskab. Their power was based on dark energy, which was highly unstable and unpredictable. Yet absorbing bad juju and saving humans was her gift. Yes, yes, she also dished the bad juju, but curing those in need was always her first priority.

  “Ixtab? Can you?” Penelope asked again.

  “Of course, she cannn! She’sss like a giant rrrechargeable battery,” Belch slurred.

  “Ixtab, if you’d like my two cents”—Fate spoke with a casualness that insinuated some sort of authority—“it is too dangerous. And we all know you are not brave or useful in situations of peril. You should not risk it.”

  Ixtab glared at Fate. Even her outfit—a little white pleated dress and white knee-high moccasins—was annoyingly prissy. Damned goody-goody, always trying to put everyone down.

  Ixtab lifted her chin. “I’m game.”

  “So am I. Wanna see?” Belch stood and stretched his seven feet of inebriated male mass, showing everyone his thong, which now looked like a little transparent tent. He was clearly having a special, special moment with himself.

  “You’re disgusting,” Bees hissed and fired her yellow samurai at his exposed butt cheeks.

  “Deities! Please focus!” Penelope barked.

  Belch plopped back into his seat, too drunk to notice the bees plunging their stingers into his body.

  Penelope winced. “Uh… Thank you, Suici—I mean Ixtab. That’s very generous.”

  Ixtab bowed her head. It was the first time she could ever remember being asked to do something important like this.

  “Thank you. Here’s the information you’ll need.” Penelope slid the folder toward Ixtab.

  Ixtab opened it and felt her insides curl into a heavy knot. No. It can’t be. He looks like… Francisco. The entire room wobbled beneath her. The man had the same dark hair—though the short, mussed style was quite different—olive-green eyes, and deep, deliciously tanned Mediterranean skin. And like Francisco, he was the most exquisite mortal she’d ever laid eyes on.

  But it wasn’t Francisco, because Francisco died long ago. Yes, she’d seen to that, hadn’t she? This… Antonio was simply a look-alike. A genetic anomaly. Those happened, right? Yes. Come to think of it, she’d once seen a dead ringer for Elvis walking down the street. A dead ringer. So close, in fact, that if she hadn’t had firsthand knowledge of Elvis’s fate, she would have asked for his autograph or an imprint of his sideburns.

  “He sure izzzz delicious,” Bees said, staring at the headshot.

  “He kinda looks like an older, tanned Zac Efron,” Penelope blurted.

  “I’d make him my lucky one,” added Fate.

  Ixtab swallowed the sticky glob of dread and centuries of baggage stuck in her throat. I can’t breathe. I can’t feel my body. I can’t be in the same room as that picture.

  “I-I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I have to go.” Ixtab bolted for the door. Why wouldn’t the Universe let her forget Francisco? Hadn’t she suffered enough?

  Living this way was simply too much to bear.

  * * *

  “Was that a no?” Fate asked with a suspicious grin.

  One of these days, Penelope was going to find out what the deal was between her and Ixtab. However, for the time being… Christ! Why is everything with these deities so damned dramatic? They’re like Jan and Marcia. On steroids. During an orange polyester shortage.

  “I think so.” Penelope’s head fell forward. “Dammit. She has to change her mind. We need that physicist back to work, especially now that he’s so close.”

  “How do we know he’s close?” Fate asked.

  “Because he unleashed the tablet’s power and knocked out the electricity in Helena’s building,” Penelope replied.

  “Pleazzz explain,” Bees asked.

  “That’s the irony; Antonio Acero is renting an apartment in Helena’s building—for the time being, anyway,” Penelope said. “She just bought the building last month to turn it into a luxury halfway house for new vampires. That is, as soon as she has any vampires to rent to since they’re all on vacation.”

  The gods stared at Penelope and crickets ensued.

  Dammit, she’d hoped to slide that one in without notice; the last thing she wanted was to worry them further. In the end, it wouldn’t make their already dire situation resolve any faster.

  Penelope sighed. “Apparently there’s a law, enacted centuries ago by the prior queen. Now that the evil vampires have been exterminated, all good vampires are to indulge in a mandatory yearlong celebration.” She shrugged. “Of course, they’re really only getting eight months, unless we find a way to stop the apocalypse.”

  “Deities almighty!” Zac exclaimed. “We won’t be stopping anything without the aid of the vampire army. We’re outgunned against the Maaskab. If they attack, it’s over.”

  “What about our Uchben?” Penelope asked. “Don’t we have enough human soldiers to defend against an attack?”

  “No,” he replied coldly.

  “Really? Our Uchben kick ass. It’s not like they’re just regular old humans,” she argued. The Uchben were highly skilled warriors, trained by the gods and their fiercest vampire allies. In some cases, they were given the light of the gods, making them immortal, too. They also oversaw everything for the gods in the mortal world, including flying their planes, maintaining an army, and managing their assets.

  “The point is, they are easier to kill than a vampire; we’d only be able to hold out for so long.”

  She hadn’t thought they were that vulnerable, but she supposed if anyone knew the really-really, it would be Zac.

  “Can’t Helena command the vampires back?” Fate asked Penelope.

  “She tried. It’s some obscure vampire law that no one knew about. Once word got out, the army took it to heart; they believe their laws are the only thing keeping them from turning into savages.”

  “Then she should change the law.” Fate waved her hand through the air as if it were that easy. But it wasn’t. Didn’t they know by now that nothing was easy in this world?

  “That’s why we need Niccolo rescued,” Penelope explained. “Helena is only the interim leader—she can’t change anything. He can.”

  “So where’d they all go?” Zac asked.

  “Euro Disney,” Penelope responded.

  The deities stared.

  “Yeah. I know,” she said. “And I’m just gonna say it: Doesn’t anyone think this all a little weird? Our vampire army at Disneyland? Niccolo being the only one to change that? The tablet being right under our noses?”

  The gods looked at each other and simply shrugged.

  “Oh, come on! This reeks of a Cimil master plot,” Penelope barked.

  Again the gods simply shrugged, only this time, they did it as if she’d stated the obvious and mundane. (The sky is blue! Ducks quack!)

  “See,” Penelope griped, “this is what drives me bonkers about you guys! Now would be a great time for you to react or make sort of drama, but I get nothing.”

  The gods didn’t make the slightest reaction.

  Maybe they’re just drama-tarded. “All righty. And moving on… So what do we do?” Penelope asked.

  “The only thing we can. Ixtab must visit the physicist and get him back to work,” Bees stated blandly and looked at Penelope.

  “Agreed,” Penelope said. “I’ll go talk to her—”

  “After we discuss the next topic, Penelope.” Zac’s voice was cold and commanding.

  “Why are you doing this?” Penelope whispered
. Couldn’t they just forget the Kinich topic and leave him alone?

  Zac didn’t blink. “Because he is no good for you.”

  “I’ll decide what’s good for me, Zac.” Which might be spiking a fireball down your leather pants.

  “When it comes to Kinich, nothing good can ever come of him. Not anymore. If you opened your eyes, you would see that.” He handed her a letter. “Read it; then tell me what’s good for you.”

  Chapter Cuatro

  Ixtab quickly gathered her belongings from the guest room. She needed to get out of there before one of her brethren came demanding an explanation. Telling anyone about what happened long ago with Francisco, besides Kinich, was out of the question. The pain of what she’d done was bad enough without having her entire brethren know.

  “Where are you going?” Fate stood in the doorway with a joyous expression.

  Right on cue. And how did I know they’d send Miss Rubitinyournose? “I’ve got to go to Denver,” Ixtab replied. “There’s been an outbreak of depression due to a snowed-out romance convention.”

  Fate removed her quiver, walked over to the bed, and plunked down. “We both know that’s an excuse; romance fans are a hearty, resilient breed. They’d never need your help for something so trivial.”

  True. And… true. In any case, at least she could get into some good skiing and get far, far away from the other gods. And yes, for the record, she skied with her veil on because she never took it off except to shower. The veil was her penance, a reminder to always be careful of whom she touched.

  “Well, is there anything I can say to change your mind about going?” Fate asked cheerfully.

  “No.”

  “Figures. You always were the most cowardly of us all.” Fate buffed her nails on the hem of her white dress. “I guess I’ll have to go to New York and see if I can’t help the cute physicist myself. I’ve been itching for a new boy toy.” She sighed with contentment. “Perhaps it’s time for me to take my new black jade necklace for a test-drive. After all, Cimil did say we were to use her gift immediately.”

  Black jade, though first discovered by the Maaskab, wasn’t entirely evil. In fact, it was an inert substance that absorbed supernatural energy. Expose it to something bad, it was bad. Good, good. In the case of gods? Well, for the first time ever, they could use the jade to blunt their energy to have intimate relations with a human—something previously impossible due to a god’s overwhelming power that essentially fried the poor human’s brain.