Vampires Need Not...Apply?: An Accidentally Yours Novel (The Accidentally Yours Series)

by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff

  Vampires rock. Reason number three: they don’t eject people’s souls from their bodies and take them over like horrible parasitic extraterrestrials.

  Ixtab’s plastic cackle bounced off the walls. “Of course. Stupid mortal souls—they are so weak and disgusting. Who cares what happens to them?” Ixtab was extremely grateful for her veil because it hid the panic in her eyes. This had to be a dream.

  Dreams only happen to mortals. You, my dear goddess, have just had your entire reality chewed on and spit out like a flavorless wad of gum.

  Chapter Veinticinco

  Panting, Ixtab found Antonio sitting on a bench in the garden, gazing pensively at the cloudless night. “Oh, thank heavens! Kirstie said I’d find you here.” Ixtab took a seat beside him. “At least I think she was talking to me. It could’ve been the wall. It’s hard to tell which eye is her good one. And why does she always smell like borscht?”

  “You came out here to talk about the maid’s wandering eye and her addiction to beets?” Antonio’s gaze didn’t waver from the starlit sky.

  “No. I came out for this…” Ixtab socked him three times in the arm, but it had zero impact. “Why didn’t you tell me your father is el Trauco, Latin America’s most infamous incubus?”

  “And that would have changed… what?” he said calmly.

  “Well, well… we could’ve—I’m not sure.”

  “Exactamente. It would’ve changed nothing. Killing or locking him away solves nothing.”

  “That’s why you were looking for the tablet, wasn’t it?” she asked.

  He nodded yes.

  Of course, he wanted to get rid of the demon and send him far, far away to another dimension, and the tablet was the key.

  Oh, gods. “You should have told me.” Ixtab shook her head.

  “This is my fight,” he said coldly. “No one else’s.”

  “You couldn’t be more godsdamned wrong. This mess started long before you were even born.”

  “Doesn’t matter when it started, or by whom, because I’m going to finish it.” He looked at Ixtab and the rage in his eyes made her do a double take. Pita chips! That sure is one hell of a peeved vampire! She could only imagine the horrible things Antonio had been subjected to. Poor, poor man.

  “I’m guessing incubi don’t get father-of-the-year awards,” she said.

  “No. When I was twenty-two, I brought my girlfriend, Vicki, home for a visit. She’d been begging me for months to visit the vineyard. Though I hated seeing my father—he was always such a coldhearted bastard—I figured we’d barely see him. He was rarely around growing up, or ever. Unfortunately, he was home for the weekend. That night, when I woke, Vicki wasn’t in bed. It didn’t take me long to find her; I followed the sounds to his study, where he was sucking the life from her body…” Antonio looked away. “Half out of my mind, I attacked and tried to save her, but it was too late. I don’t know if it was the need to brag or that he enjoyed watching me suffer, but that’s when he told me everything: how he’d done the same to my mother, how my brother and I were merely potential hosts for his next life… So I made a deal. He would take me so that Franco could live, and I would keep his secret—even from my brother.”

  “So, you began searching for the tablet?” Ixtab said.

  “I hoped to send the demon somewhere else before my time ran out. Then all this happened—I was blinded, there was you, and then I became a vampire, removing me from the running to be a host for my father. I failed my brother in the worst possible way.”

  Lightbulb! “Your father can’t use your body because you’ve changed?”

  “Vampires need not apply,” he said starkly.

  It all made so much sense now. Poor, poor Antonio. What had she done?

  “That’s why you were so upset with me after the transformation,” she said.

  He looked at her, his beautiful eyes filled with regret. “I’m sorry for how I treated you; it wasn’t your fault I ended up a vampire. At the time, however, I knew it would mean my brother’s life—he’s the runner-up.”

  Well, he’d just made opening the portal that much more essential. This demon wasn’t going to get his icky incu-paws on another soul if she had anything to do with it.

  “I’m so sorry, Antonio.” She reached out and stroked his arm. It felt so damned good. “I wonder if this explains why I can touch you—” And why you’re hung like a rhino and the ladies can’t seem to keep their frigging hands off of you… “Incubus feed off the life force of others. Usually they prefer sexual energy, but who knows? You had some of my light inside you when you turned, you’re a vampire with a little extra something… there could be a million reasons for how you ended up like you did.”

  Or just one: This was all meant to happen. You’re meant to be mine.

  He shrugged. “I’ve always eaten human food. Until I turned, that is. Then I stopped eating.”

  No. He hadn’t stopped eating, she realized. “Your hunger goes away when I touch you. Yes?”

  He nodded. “Yes. Among other things,” he said suggestively.

  Oh, she so very much wanted to ask about the “other things,” but now was not the time to go there, given they had serious issues to navigate. At least, however, the mystery of Antonio’s appetite was no longer one of them. He’d been gobbling all of her dark energy, which is why he left her feeling goddamned fantastic every time she touched him! That had to be the reason.

  “It’s so ironic when you think about it. Here you are thriving from my touch, but it killed your father,” she said, thinking aloud. Yes, must be something to do with his turning.

  Rage sparked in Antonio’s eyes.

  “What? What did I say?” she asked.

  “He was the one you… lo-lo-loved and killed? My father! That disgusting, heartless prick was your Francisco?”

  Uh-oh. Hadn’t she made that clear already? Ugh. Perhaps I didn’t. “Um. Yes? But let me explain,” she said. “I thought he was someone—”

  “Stop. I don’t want to hear it.”

  Gods dammit. Why did he always shut her down like that? “It’s important you know the truth.”

  “Right now, nothing matters more than opening that portal. I need to get the woman out.”

  Oh, the woman… Did he truly believe some stranger was the one for him? Didn’t he feel the powerful connection between them? Now that she thought about it, actually, after she’d touched him that very first time in the hospital, it seemed a permanent connection had formed. She continued tasting him on her tongue, his energy. She continued filling with his frustration and despair even without a physical connection.

  Ixtab’s mind reeled. “You really”—the words stuck for a moment—“want her?”

  “Once she’s out, she can help us understand how to use the tablet to get to your men. When that’s done, I’ll make sure my father goes in.”

  His reply hadn’t given her the answer she wanted, but maybe he was simply trying to spare her feelings. Or maybe he was peeved because he’d just found out she had a past with his father. Of course, he didn’t know the full story.

  Oh, gods. Who can blame him for being upset? What a train wreck. “Antonio, I know everything feels like an episode of Myrtle Manor, only not very funny, but I promise I’ll do everything I can to help you.”

  “As I said, the woman will know what to do,” he said without even a hint of doubt.

  Oh, and I suppose she walks on water and shoots rainbows from her ass like Cimil’s unicorn! “And you know all this how?”

  “She says so in my dreams.”

  He dreams with her? Oh, gods… how can this be?

  “Well… your plan sucks!” she said spitefully.

  “Sucks?” he asked.

  “It’s got so many holes, I could drive an incubus through it.”

  Antonio laughed.

  Dammit! Now? Now he chooses to laugh? “I didn’t mean that as a joke. You’re banking your entire plan on the woman being there and knowing what to do.”
>
  “I know she will be there. And yes, as stupid as it sounds, I believe she will help us find your men and get rid of my father. I believe because I have faith.”

  Faith? The scientist is leaving it all to… Faith? This was far too important to leave it to that little flake. He might as well light a candle to Chance (another family friend). Hell, throw in a prayer to her sister Fate.

  “Okay. Say you’re right about the woman,” Ixtab argued. “Then the next part of your plan doesn’t work; your father knows what you’re up to and isn’t going to jump in the portal to be banished to another dimension.”

  “We will surprise him and push him in. My only hope is that he’ll never find a way back.”

  Ixtab looked at Antonio. The light of the moon bounced off the sharp angles of his exquisite face—his jaw, his cheekbones, his thick strong lips. It was then that she noticed how Antonio had a gentle goodness in his eyes that radiated outward. It shaped the angles of his mouth, it brightened the light in his eyes, and it made him tilt his head to one side when he felt concerned. Antonio was simply magnificent. And he deserved to live a happy life. Even if that meant being with another woman. It ripped her heart into pieces thinking such a thing, but it was the truth.

  You must truly love him if you’re willing to give him up simply to make him happy…

  Sigh. No one said being the Goddess of Happiness would be easy.

  “I will take care of getting your father inside the portal. You just open it and get the female.”

  “What about your men?” he asked.

  “There won’t be time, Antonio. Opening a portal to another dimension isn’t like opening the garage door where you can drive your giant incubus in and out as you please.” And it wasn’t as if his father wouldn’t notice the fabric of space opening up right inside his own home. No. If they were lucky, they’d be able to lure the demon to the portal and push him in. If extra–super lucky, they’d do it before the woman got out. If she were, in fact, there.

  Antonio stared with his inquisitive eyes. “Why would you give up your plans? I know you and the gods are depending on freeing your men to win your war.”

  Because she couldn’t stand the thought of sacrificing Antonio’s happiness. Not after everything he’d been through. Not when she cared so much for him. And not when there was one other little fact. “Cimil has clearly been manipulating all of us, herding us like mindless sheep to this destination. She wants us to use the tablet to free our men, and given her evil deceptions, I’m not so sure this is what we should do.” Yes, they might be better off finding another to way to free Guy, Niccolo, and the others. She only hoped she was making the right decision.

  Oh. Look who’s leaning on Faith now!

  Shut up!

  Antonio continued to stare. Was that gratitude in his eyes? “Why are you still wearing the veil?”

  She didn’t know. Perhaps to hide her sorrow; she didn’t want to lose him to this other woman, yet she certainly didn’t want to deny him the chance to save his brother or follow his destiny. There was simply no getting around it. The portal had to be opened. “Old habits, I guess.”

  He opened his mouth to say something but snapped it shut and stood. “I’ll go prepare. Can you have my father in the basement at midnight?”

  “Sure.” I’ll go to him after I light some candles. Maybe make a call to Fate…

  Because pulling this off would require a miracle. Sadly, the last time she’d seen Miracle, she was somewhere in the Bahamas with Chance.

  Chapter Veintiséis

  “Are you sure you understand? Don’t let anyone see you, and you are only to intervene if the physicist needs help.” Cimil popped a handful of Milk Duds into her mouth and chewed nervously, staring at Roberto.

  Roberto nodded and then kissed her wrist.

  “Gud. Becosh whateber happens, dosh Scabs can’t be awowed to go fwee. Got it? We mush start kiwing dem off.” Chew, chew, chew. “Gods, I wuv Milk Duds.”

  Roberto tightened his parachute.

  “Shee you in”—chew, chew, chew—“Shedona, baby.”

  She gave Roberto a push out of the plane’s rear door somewhere over Vilafranca del Penedès.

  Gods, this was going to be wicked hard. She needed to have everything set just right or Operation Over would be… well, over. Phooey on that! She hadn’t carefully planned centuries of events merely to have it all fall apart in the final phase.

  Cimil chewed and looked at her watch. She’d need to make a detour to her piggy bank—an ancient temple where she kept her most prized treasures (gold; jewelry; three Thighmasters; Bigfoot; the world’s largest pachinko machine; a few spare tablets for the all-necessary time travel and dimensional hopping; magic fairy dust; a flea circus; her collection of Betamax Love Boat episodes; and last but not least, a few hibernating armies for that rainy day, aka apocalypse) in Mexico and then head over to Bacalar to ensure all was ready for Chaam’s big arrival. According to her calculations, she’d still make it to Sedona in time to meet up again with Roberto, hand off the spare tablet, and then turn herself in. All part of the master plan.

  I wonder if I’ll have time to hit a few garage sales before I’m imprisoned? A few beanbag chairs might be nice for her jail cell, and she needed a new saddle for Minky.

  “I’ll jus hab to make time…” Chew, chew, chew.

  Yes, because some things were too important to pass up even when the world’s fate hung in the balance. Garage sales being one of them.

  * * *

  At a quarter to midnight, Ixtab sat in her room and took one final look at the page she’d written, debating whether or not to put it in the envelope. What good would the truth be for Antonio now? No good at all. Yet she wanted him to know who she really was, not who she used to be: happy. Because of him. He’d freed her soul from the demons of her past—well, sorta. Mentally, the shackles were gone. And now she knew she was good not in spite of her flaws, but because of them. They taught her humility and compassion. They taught her to forgive—mainly herself, but forgiveness nonetheless. She wanted him to know that she’d never loved his father. And as much as it pained her to say so, she wondered if she had truly loved Francisco. Her past felt like an illusion caused by desperation and loneliness. It took meeting Antonio and feeling the powerful bond between them to realize that. Antonio helped her to understand what true love felt like. And she was eternally grateful for it, even though he didn’t love her back.

  She sighed. What good would it do to know all that? None. If she cared for Antonio, she would not stand in his way to a wonderful life.

  She tore up the page, threw it in the trash, and then gazed up. “Please. Just let him be happy, that is all I ask…”

  But would the Universe listen this time? She could only hope. Because this plan of hers was insane. Completely insane. And it depended on her ability to lie. For the record, lying never came easy for her, and tonight, she needed to put on the performance of a lifetime.

  She shook her head. How had everything gone from bad to messed up to seriously messed up to this? She’d come to Spain looking for Antonio, filled with hope, and found instead her dead lover who wasn’t a monk, but a stinking, rotten incubus. Now, she was going to help Antonio and give him up forever to another woman.

  Never in a million years would she have seen this coming.

  Doesn’t matter now, it came. She looked at her watch. And it’s showtime. Antonio is depending on you.

  Ixtab stood and smoothed down the front of her bulky black dress. Gods, when this was all over, she was going to burn these wretched clothes. That is, if she ever made it back to this realm.

  * * *

  “I’m glad you came,” said Francisco in a scratchy voice. “I knew you would.”

  Ixtab walked over to the bed and pulled up a chair next to him. The room smelled of decay, death, and evil.

  “Did you now?” Ixtab responded coyly and pulled the dark green blanket up over his chest while crinkling her nose underneath her veil
.

  He coughed. Drool trickled from the corner of his mouth.

  Ick. Just… ick.

  “Of course. You cannot fight fate.” He wheezed his words.

  “I fight with her all the time.” Ixtab reached over and fluffed the enormous pile of pillows under his neck and head. “Once we were on a pig farm, and I pushed her into a huge pile of poop. It was really funny, actually—but that’s beside the point. I’m not here because I’ve decided to be with you. Yet. I am here to ask questions, and the only way this will work is if you tell me the truth.”

  “Ask away and the truth shall be yours,” he replied.

  Grrr… “You just lied again, didn’t you?”

  He made an evil snicker that faded into a cough.

  “Can you at least try to tell the truth?” she asked.

  “Perhaps.”

  Finally! A straight answer. “Good enough. So after you die, you’ll take your son’s body. Then what?”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “I mean, how do you expect us to be happy if Antonio is always going to be hunting you? He hates your guts, you know. And he’ll hate you even more after you take his brother from him.”

  “Who says that I will?” the demon questioned.

  Huh? “You are taking Franco’s body, aren’t you?” That’s what Antonio had said to her in the garden—“vampires need not apply”—and that Franco would become the next host.

  The demon wiggled his head from side to side and puckered his grayish-pink lips in a noncommittal sort of way.

  “Aren’t you?” she asked again.

  “I admit that had been my original plan, but I believe Antonio will be the better choice. Now that I’ve learned you are able to touch him and he is immortal—I think I may have found a permanent host.”

  What? What? Oh. Come on! Why does everything have to be like this? Hate you, Universe! This was horrible. She needed the demon to want to kill Antonio—that was part of her plan. What plan? Well… the one she’d frigging made up somewhere between discovering the ex-love of her life was actually killed by an incubus and that she’d sacrifice anything to save that incubus’s son, Antonio—who she actually loved.