Vampires Need Not...Apply?: An Accidentally Yours Novel (The Accidentally Yours Series)
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Cenote:Limestone sinkholes connected to a subterranean water system. They are found in Central America and southern Mexico and were once believed by the Mayans to be sacred portals to the afterlife. Such smart humans! They were right. Except cenotes are actually portals to the realm of the gods.
(If you have never seen a cenote, do a quick search on the Internet for “cenote photos,” and you’ll see how freaking cool they are!)
Demilords: (Spoiler alert for Book #2!) This is a group of immortal badass vampires who’ve been infused with the light of the gods. They are extremely difficult to kill and hate their jobs (killing Obscuros) almost as much as they hate the gods who control them.
Maaskab:Originally a cult of bloodthirsty Mayan priests who believed in the dark arts. It is rumored they are responsible for bringing down their entire civilization with their obsession for human sacrifices (mainly young female virgins). Once Chaam started making half-human children, he decided all firstborn males would make excellent Maaskab due to their proclivity for evil.
Mocos, Mobscuros, O’scabbies:Nicknames for when you join Maaskab with Obscuros to create a brand-new malevolent treat.
Obscuros:Evil vampires who do not live by the Pact and who like to dine on innocent humans since they really do taste the best.
The Pact:An agreement between the gods and good vampires that dictates the dos and don’ts. There are many parts to it, but the most important rules are vampires are not allowed to snack on good people (called Forbiddens), they must keep their existence a secret, and they are responsible for keeping any rogue vampires in check.
Payal:Although the gods can take humans to their realm and make them immortal, Payals are the true genetic offspring of the gods but are born mortal, just like their human mothers. Only firstborn children inherit the gods’ genes and manifest their traits. If the firstborn happens to be female, she is a Payal. If male, well… then you get something kind of yucky (see definition of Maaskab)!
The Tablet:A Mayan relic made of black jade. It has the power to create portals to other dimensions and to another moment in time.
Uchben:An ancient society of scholars and warriors who serve as the gods’ eyes and ears in the human world. They also do the books and manage the gods’ earthly assets.
Vamp-ubus, Incu-pire:The saucy combination of an incubus and a vampire.
Character Definitions
The Gods
Although every culture around the world has their own names and beliefs related to beings of worship, there are actually only fourteen gods. And since the gods are able to access the human world only through the portals called cenotes, located in the Yucatán, the Mayans were big fans.
The gods often refer to each other as brother and sister, but the truth is they are just another species of the Creator and completely unrelated.
Acan—God of Intoxication and Wine: Also known as Belch, Acan has been drunk for a few thousand years. He hopes to someday trade places with Votan because he’s tired of his flabby muscles and beer belly.
Ah-Ciliz—God of Solar Eclipses: Called A.C. by his brethren, Ah-Ciliz is generally thought of as the party pooper because of his dark attitude.
Akna—Goddess of Fertility: You either love her or you hate her.
Backlum Chaam—God of Male Virility: He’s responsible for discovering black jade, figuring out how to procreate with humans, and kicking off the chain of events that will eventually lead to the Great War.
Camaxtli—Goddess of the Hunt: Also known as Fate, Camaxtli holds a special position among the gods, since no one dares challenge her. When Fate has spoken, that’s the end of the conversation.
Colel Cab—Mistress of Bees: Because really, where would we all be without the bees?
Goddess of Forgetfulness: Um… I forget her name. Sorry.
Ixtab—Goddess of Suicide: Ixtab is generally described as a loner. Could it be those dead critters she carries around? But don’t judge her so hastily. You never know what truly lies behind that veil of black she wears.
K’ak: The history books remember him as K’ak Tiliw Chan Yopaat, ruler of Copán in the 700s AD. King K’ak (don’t you just love that name? Tee-hee-hee…) is one of Cimil’s favorite brothers. We’re not really sure what he does, but he can throw bolts of lightning.
Kinich Ahau—ex–God of the Sun: Also known by many other names, depending on the culture, Kinich likes to go by Nick these days. He’s also now a vampire—something he’s actually not so bummed about, except that the sifting dimension has been closed (something he’s always wanted to do) and the love of his life is filled with sunshine. Talk about hot sex…
Máax—The One No One Speaks Of: His story is a bit of a mystery, but all will be revealed in Book #5, Accidentally… Over?
Votan—God of Death and War: Also known as Odin, Wotan, Wodan, God of Drums (he has no idea how the hell he got that title; he hates the drums), and God of Multiplication (okay, he is pretty darn good at math so that one makes sense). These days, Votan goes by Guy Santiago (it’s a long story—read Book #1), but despite his deadly tendencies, he’s all heart. He’s now engaged to Emma Keane.
Yum Cimil—Goddess of the Underworld: Also known as Ah-Puch by the Mayans, Mictlantecuhtli (try saying that one ten times) by the Aztec, Grim Reaper by the Europeans, Hades by the Greeks… you get the picture! Despite what people say, Cimil is actually a female, adores a good bargain (especially garage sales) and the color pink. She’s also batshit crazy.
Zac Cimi—Bacab of the North: What the heck is a Bacab? According to the gods’ folklore, the Bacabs are the four eldest and most powerful of the gods. Zac, however, has yet to discover his true gifts, although he is physically the strongest. Once thought to be the God of Love, we now know differently by the end of this book.
Not the Gods
Andrus: Ex-Demilord (vampire who’s been given the gods’ light), now just a demigod after his maker, the vampire queen, died. According to Cimil, his son, who hasn’t been born yet, is destined to marry Helena and Niccolo’s daughter.
Anne: Not telling.
Antonio Acero: Don’t want to put any spoilers here, so let’s just say he’s a hunky, playboy Spaniard with a dirty mouth and a dark secret.
Brutus: One of Gabrán’s elite Uchben warriors. He doesn’t speak much, but that’s because he and his team are telepathic. They are also immortal (a gift from the gods) and next in line to be Uchben chiefs.
Emma Keane: A reluctant Payal who can split a man right down the middle with her bare hands. She is engaged to Votan (aka Guy Santiago) and really wants to kick the snot out of Tommaso, the man who betrayed her.
Father Xavier: Once a priest at the Vatican, Xavier is now the Uchben’s top scholar and historian. He has a thing for jogging suits, Tyra Banks, and Cimil.
Gabrán: One of the Uchben chiefs and a very close friend of the gods. The chiefs have been given the gods’ light and are immortal—a perk of the job.
Gabriela: Emma Keane’s grandmother and one of the original Payals. She now leads the Maaskab at the young age of eightysomething.
Helena Strauss: Once human, Helena is now a vampire and married to Niccolo DiConti. She has a half-vampire daughter, Matty, who is destined to marry Andrus’s son, according to Cimil.
Jess: Not telling.
Julie Trudeau: Penelope’s mother.
Niccolo DiConti: Ex–General of the Vampire Army. He is the interim vampire leader now that the queen is dead, because the army remained loyal to him. He is married to Helena Strauss and has a half-vampire daughter Matty—a wedding gift from Cimil.
Nick (short for Niccole): (From Book #1, not to be confused with Kinich). Also not telling.
Penelope Trudeau: The woman Cimil approaches to be her brother’s surrogate.
Philippe: Roberto’s brother. An Ancient One.
Reyna: The dead vampire queen.
Roberto (Narmer): Originally an Egyptian pharaoh, Narmer was one of the six Ancient Ones—the very first vampires. He eventually chang
ed his name to Roberto and moved to Spain—something to do with one of Cimil’s little schemes. Rumor is, he wasn’t too happy about it.
Sentin: One of Niccolo’s loyal vampire soldiers. Viktor turned him into a vampire after finding him in a ditch during World War II.
Tommaso: Oh, boy. Where to start. Once an Uchben, Tommaso’s mind was poisoned with black jade. He tried to kill Emma. She’s not happy about that.
Viktor: Niccolo’s right hand and BFF. He’s approximately one thousand years old and originally a Viking. He’s big. He’s blond. He’s got the hots for some blonde woman he’s dreamed of for the last five hundred years. He’s also Helena’s maker.
Match the Quote—Answers
Which Deity Said What?
1. “There’s a method to my madness. Yes, that method might be a teensy bit evil and seemingly random, but someone’s gotta make life interesting.”
A. Cimil, ex–Goddess of the Underworld
B. Acan, God of Intoxication and Wine
C. Zac Cimi, God of (TBD)
2. “Living for seventy thousand years without love is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemies.”
A. Máax, the One No One Speaks Of
B. Camaxtli, Goddess of the Hunt
C. K’ak, just… K’ak.
3. “A happy ending awaits us all, but only if we are brave enough to risk everything and have faith it will come.”
A. Ixtab, Goddess of Suicide
B. Camaxtli, Goddess of the Hunt
C. Akna, Goddess of Fertility
4. “Don’t touch the unicorn. Never, ever touch the unicorn.”
A. Cimil, ex–Goddess of the Underworld
B. The clowns (Cimil thinks they are deities, so that counts)
C. Cimil’s unicorn
Also by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
Accidentally In Love With… A God?
Accidentally Married to… A Vampire?
Sun God Seeks… Surrogate?
Accidentally… Evil? (novella)
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* * *
Twenty-two-year-old Emma Keane has a secret friend. He’s powerful, mysterious, and devastatingly handsome. In her dreams, anyway. In real life, he’s an enigma. Maybe just a teensy jealous. Definitely overbearing. He’s also a voice only she can hear. So who or what is he? He won’t say. But if she wants to be free, to be normal, Emma will have to trek to the jungles once ruled by the Mayans and find the forgotten ruin holding the answers. And what she finds is something her mind or heart isn’t entirely prepared for…
* * *
Niccolo DiConti has faithfully served as leader of Her Majesty’s army for over a millennium. When a powerful goddess prophesies he will meet his salvation—a human woman he must turn into a vampire with her consent—he eagerly rises to the challenge. After centuries of sleep, he wakes up in the goddess’s tomb, and not only is his life a mess, but his destined female isn’t about to settle for a coldhearted vampire. Can he win her over before it’s too late?
* * *
When twenty-five-year-old Penelope learns of a new miracle drug that could cure her ailing mother, it’s the answer to her prayers… until she sees the cost. For every door that closes, a window opens. In this case, the window calls herself Cimil, and she’s quite possibly the most insane person Penelope’s ever met. Could it be because this complete stranger just offered Penelope one million dollars to carry her wealthy brother’s baby? But Penelope will soon find out Cimil’s brother isn’t your everyday millionaire. In fact, he gives new meaning to the word hot.
* * *
One minute Maggie O’Hare is traipsing around the Mayan jungle looking for her father’s excavation site; the next she’s accused of being immortal by a guy who swears he’s a god. And every time he touches her, something crazy happens. Backlum Chaam has waited seventy thousand years to meet the woman Fate has chosen for him, and now that she’s here, he can’t believe his luck. Maggie is everything he could have dreamed of… except she insists she’s human. But Chaam knows that’s impossible, for their passion could have the power to destroy mankind.
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* * *
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* * *
Growing up poor and abandoned in Trouble, Wyoming, Lacy Taylor learned to be ready for anything—and to always prepare for the worst. But Chase McDermott might be her ultimate undoing. Thrown off her game for the first time ever, Lacy figures the only way to fight fire is to turn up the heat. Every woman in town would love to tie Chase down, but the happily footloose cowboy prefers to roam free. Still, if keeping Lacy hot, bothered, and riled up will help her deal with her troubles, he’s happy to oblige. Can Chase find the courage to leave his playboy days behind for good and prove he’s worthy of Lacy’s fragile trust… and her love?
* * *
Resort developer Madison Lane is about to lose the one thing she loves most in the world—her job. To avoid being fired, Madison is sent to a small town to restore the holiday cheer. For Sheriff Gage McBride, no hotshot executive from New York City is going to destroy the dreams of the people he loves. But one look at this beautiful woman and it’s his heart that may be broken. He can’t decide if she’s naughty or nice, but one thing is for certain—Christmas will never be the same again…
* * *
Socialite Margaret Vaughn is the wealthiest heiress in London—or so everybody thinks. Margaret is actually facing financial ruin—and social humiliation. After amassing a fortune in the gold fields of Australia, Tom Poole is the toast of London society. Yet despite his newfound fame, he’s never forgotten his own humble beginnings. When he learns of Margaret’s plight, he offers her financial assistance—though his interest is not strictly business. But can he convince the proper, refined lady that, despite their social differences, they are a match made in heaven?
* * *
Lady Sophia has long been estranged from her husband, Vane Barwick, the Duke of Claxton, whose rumored list of amorous conquests includes almost every beautiful woman of the ton. Yet a shocking encounter with him in a crowded ballroom is all it takes to reawaken her furious passion for him. Claxton has never forgiven himself for the youthful mistake that ruined his marriage to Sophia. He’ll do whatever it takes to prove he can be the honorable, passionate husband she deserves. Can they rekindle the flame that burned so bright and find a new path to forever?
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Contents
Cover
Title Page
Welcome
Dedicatio
n
Acknowledgments (aka “Woos!”)
Warning
Match the Quote